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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 7th November 2017, 1:29 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Ronnie33 View Post
You were always one of my favorites here. You are non judgmental and understanding, yet you don't hold back. I relate to you a lot. I'm so proud of how far you have come.

I feel tarnished, but I'll never let that show to the outside world. Everyone tells me I look better then ever. I just have to keep moving forward. I really want it though, this time I really, really do.
Don't look at yourself as tarnished. I do believe that it is possible to love more than one person. I don't believe you can be committed to more than one person. I feel pity for your ex AP's wife.
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Old 8th November 2017, 6:01 AM   #17
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I've been on here for years now, I come back often and lurk but don't say much.
Recently I have seen a lot of new names of people in the beginning stages of an affair, or struggling with NC and the questions of why, and was it real, and all the other obsessive thoughts that go along with it. So I wanted to come in and try to help because I know how awful those times are.

My affair was 4 years long, yes four years, almost five. I shake my head when I right that. These thing suck away time like some kind of parallel vortex.

We started as coworkers, I was married he was newly single after a very bad break up. My marriage was a mess and he was a mess from his break up of 5 years. Anyway, we became close friends who leaned on eagchother for support. Just like most stories on here, we started having an emotional affair, and then after almost a year it turned physical. Did we mean for it to happen?? Not one bit, but once it started it took on a life of its own. During that time he started dating someone. I was too scared to leave my marriage, my son was young. He continued to date this woman but we went further down the rabbit hole of the affair. We were so addicted to eachother, it really is like a drug.

Fast forward 4 years and I am now divorced and he is married to that woman. That's right, I left my husband, became single, while he was engaged to her and he stayed with her. Did he stop the affair? No. Why? Because he loved two women and was a selfish asshat. Two days after his wedding he broke the NC I initiated and told me he missed me so much. I went back, why? Because being without him hurt more. Or so I told myself.

So where are we now? Well I've been divorced for over a year. I don't regret it. My husband and I's marriage was a mess before the affair. My husband neverfound out abotbthe affair. We get along for my son and there is no reason for him to know. Do I hate that I cheated on him? Absolutely. I used to hold myself to this high moral code of standard. Now I feel tarnished and dirty. I will
never be the same woman. These things change you.

Did I love my AP? 100%. Do I think he loved me? Yes, I really do. Does it change anything? Not one bit. We will never be together. Staying in touch only prolongs the pain and reinforces the feelings of hurt and sadness that you will never have more. So why do we do it? Because NC hurts so bad, the missing, obsessing, longing. It gets so painful that we go back because something is better then nothing. But it's not. As the years go by it just get worse until you literally don't know who the hell you are anymore. Like a drug addict, so reliant on that next hit to get you by. Then the second you sober up you go back again, becaus the withdrawal sucks. I have gone NC more times then I can count but one of us always breaks it. Not because we are soulmates or star crossed lovers, but because we are two, selfish, broken people who have a bond based out of lies and deception for eachother.

I am single now, raising my son and I date. I have a lot of male followers. There's one in particular I like a lot. We were good friends for along time. The thing is that I'm so jaded now. I look at everything different and believe no one is really faithful.

I haven't spoken to my AP in a few weeks. I told him I wanted to date someone else and I can't have him there in the background. I miss him everyday, 4 years is along time. You know what's worse though? Regret. I already regret the past four years I lost in a pointless relationship. I don't want to regret another four.

Remember, Love is just a word if there are no actions behind it.

Sometimes to rebuild, we have to tear it all down, first.

Let it burn, dont put the fire out, let it go out on its own.
Wow Ronnie, that's powerful stuff. So beautifully and emotionally written.

I just read the first post on the train on my daily commute and wound up in floods of tears. The dear old lady sitting next to me offered me a handkerchief, some mints and some comforting words and put a smile on my face! How sweet, it kind of made my day!

I too had an intense A and relate to a lot of what you wrote. I want to send you a really big (((Jenks hug))) because I know that you have been to hell and back and will be recovering for a long time - I still am over two years after the end of my A. These things shake you to your very foundations.

Affairs are rarely as black and white as the first replier suggests (with the CAPS). Every affair is unique, although we often see similar patterns as an affair progresses. In my case, as in yours, the APs were not serial cheaters, just lost souls who felt a connection, developed feelings and made decisions that would later hurt them and others - very much indeed. Very often, the feelings developed in affairs are very genuine both ways, but that doesn't mean that they are not selfish or that the relationship is viable in the long term, due to the complexity and the sheer number of factors involved. Genuine feelings or not, most affairs end - with a lot of pain.

Thank you so much for sharing this with us Ronnie. I'm now going to catch up with the rest of the thread...and your previous threads.

Please keep on posting x
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Old 8th November 2017, 6:12 AM   #18
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Hi Ronnie,

I remember you. You can let go of the tarnished and dirty feeling. The only person judging you...is you. Believe me, I relate and I struggled with that feeling for at least 6 months after NC finally started.

The thing is, there are no do-overs, you can't go back and start again. You have three choices (as I saw it), (1) completely give up, lay down in a hole and die, literally or metaphorically, (2) go on and live your life but live it with the constant feeling of shame, regret and self loathing or (3) just f*cken let it all go, like a bag of rocks you've been carrying, day in and day out. Once you see these 3 choices, well (1) and (2), they kinda are nothing but a recipe for an unhappy life, only really punishing yourself and your son - no one else cares (certainly not him). You can do (3), just let it go, realize you are human, you made a mistake, move on and don't look back.

This is your only life. How do you want to live it? In the constant state of shame and regret or just be happy, live your life and move forward in peace?

And don't listen to missyme or people who say you should have left your husband or you took too long, blaming you. He was not married when you got divorced. He could have easily broken the engagement. There was nothing you could do because nine times out of ten, the man will always pick the woman who did not cheat with him. He just sees his wife or fiance as the innocent one and the other woman as the villain. It was not your fault. So don't beat yourself up. It was just not meant to be.

And you don't see this now, but you don't want a guy who could marry someone while in an affair and pick up immediately after the wedding. Am I being hypocritical? Sure. But you know it's a truth. If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.
I love it when MidnightBlue makes an appearance on a thread - kind of adds immediate kudos to any thread IMO. And the bold bit above.....

100% right!

We all struggle with this post A though - any of us with a conscience or any kind of moral compass. Yes we f'ed up, got hurt, possibly hurt others and we punish ourselves through constant mental torture - a bag of rocks is a good analogy. Letting go of that bag of rocks is tough - a certain degree of self-flagellation can almost be comforting in a perverse way. My bag of rocks is still there, but I kind of feel it's hanging by a thread now...and already feels considerably lighter. I think I am letting it go, one rock at a time!

Hope you can too Ronnie. You are one of the good guys...it's so obvious from the way you write.
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Old 8th November 2017, 2:59 PM   #19
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My bag of rocks is considerably lighter.

In my opinion, you will drop a few pebbles here and there for quite a while. I don't think you can drop it all in one go.

My life is changing and xMM is no longer so much in my thoughts. It has become apparent to me that I could never have been comfortable with him in my real life .
Things are changing for me at the end of this year with retirement and a new home..... I am moving on. It has taken a long time but it's happening.

Go with Happiness,

Poppy.
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Old 8th November 2017, 9:50 PM   #20
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Wow Ronnie, that's powerful stuff. So beautifully and emotionally written.

I just read the first post on the train on my daily commute and wound up in floods of tears. The dear old lady sitting next to me offered me a handkerchief, some mints and some comforting words and put a smile on my face! How sweet, it kind of made my day!

I too had an intense A and relate to a lot of what you wrote. I want to send you a really big (((Jenks hug))) because I know that you have been to hell and back and will be recovering for a long time - I still am over two years after the end of my A. These things shake you to your very foundations.

Affairs are rarely as black and white as the first replier suggests (with the CAPS). Every affair is unique, although we often see similar patterns as an affair progresses. In my case, as in yours, the APs were not serial cheaters, just lost souls who felt a connection, developed feelings and made decisions that would later hurt them and others - very much indeed. Very often, the feelings developed in affairs are very genuine both ways, but that doesn't mean that they are not selfish or that the relationship is viable in the long term, due to the complexity and the sheer number of factors involved. Genuine feelings or not, most affairs end - with a lot of pain.

Thank you so much for sharing this with us Ronnie. I'm now going to catch up with the rest of the thread...and your previous threads.

Please keep on posting x
Thank You Jenkins, I really enjoy your posts. Your remorse in your posts comes through, and is very real.
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Old 8th November 2017, 9:51 PM   #21
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My bag of rocks is considerably lighter.

In my opinion, you will drop a few pebbles here and there for quite a while. I don't think you can drop it all in one go.

My life is changing and xMM is no longer so much in my thoughts. It has become apparent to me that I could never have been comfortable with him in my real life .
Things are changing for me at the end of this year with retirement and a new home..... I am moving on. It has taken a long time but it's happening.

Go with Happiness,

Poppy.
Poppy,

I am so happy for you and how far you have come. I hope to one day be where you are.
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Old 9th November 2017, 12:02 AM   #22
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I love this thread.


I told MM not to contact me anymore because it hurt too much. I don't reach out to him but he still reaches out to me. And I answer every time because it's something.I want it to mean more than it does. But we are sad and selfish and in love with the idea of who we could have been together. We don't exist in the real world because our whole existence is based on who we are in secret.
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Old 9th November 2017, 1:21 AM   #23
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I love this thread.


I told MM not to contact me anymore because it hurt too much. I don't reach out to him but he still reaches out to me. And I answer every time because it's something.I want it to mean more than it does. But we are sad and selfish and in love with the idea of who we could have been together. We don't exist in the real world because our whole existence is based on who we are in secret.
Yes....that's the thing. You are still in love with an idea.

I have been able to see xMM realistically.

He is retired now and lives in a seniors community with his wife. He does seniors tours and bus trips . He has moved into a different life style.
This is not a criticism in any way. It is where he is on his life journey.

It has become clear to me now that he never shared my tastes or interests and would not have fitted into my family or circle of friends.

It took almost ten years and a lot of emotionally draining times and many wonderful times with him to realise all this.

Poppy.
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Old 9th November 2017, 4:28 AM   #24
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My bag of rocks is considerably lighter.

In my opinion, you will drop a few pebbles here and there for quite a while. I don't think you can drop it all in one go.

My life is changing and xMM is no longer so much in my thoughts. It has become apparent to me that I could never have been comfortable with him in my real life .
Things are changing for me at the end of this year with retirement and a new home..... I am moving on. It has taken a long time but it's happening.

Go with Happiness,

Poppy.
Good for you Poppy - this is wonderful to read! Seems like we've both shed several pebbles from our sack of rocks since we last exchanged posts! I'm so pleased for you Poppy.
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Old 9th November 2017, 6:00 AM   #25
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I love this thread.


I told MM not to contact me anymore because it hurt too much. I don't reach out to him but he still reaches out to me. And I answer every time because it's something.I want it to mean more than it does. But we are sad and selfish and in love with the idea of who we could have been together. We don't exist in the real world because our whole existence is based on who we are in secret.



This is what kept me in it for years. In love with the "what could have been"
Then i woke up one day and it's 4 years and I thought "how the hell did I get here" Now I think of the "what could have been"
as "never going to happen"

Last edited by Ronnie33; 9th November 2017 at 6:02 AM..
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Old 15th November 2017, 6:27 PM   #26
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Update.

He broke NC. Same ****, I miss you, I miss us, yada yada. Finally tells me he loves me after 4 years. The ****ty part is that it didn't even feel good. You love me but throws can't go anywhere so it's pointless. All the women on here who are waiting to hear those words, thinking it will make them feel better. I got news for you, it doesn't. Almost annoys me more because it's like "I knew you loved me asshat, and after four years, Save it"

I am convinced though that the MM that say it after a month or two, really are using it as manipulation, or they mean it in limerance. My MM is an asshat but at least he didn't use the I love you card to manipulate me, but I also never told him. After he told me, he asked. I said "do you think I would be here after all this if I didn't"

Anyway, he wanted to see me. I said no, he begged, then he got mad and now we are back to not speaking. I care less and less each time.

That's my hamster wheel update
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Old 15th November 2017, 8:51 PM   #27
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GOOD FOR YOU Ronnie

Yeah, he loves you. I love my mom's cat. It doesn't mean I'm going to leave my SO to be with it.

Which sounds crappy, but that's just the reality. My situation is the same.
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Old 15th November 2017, 10:09 PM   #28
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Lmao, I said the same thing. "I love my dog after 4 years, but that doesn't mean I'm in love and want to start a life with her"
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Old 16th November 2017, 6:53 PM   #29
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So last night I had a male friend over. I like him, we get along great and I know he really likes me. He is very attractive, and I am very attracted to him. We start
start kissing, and as it goes further and further MM pops into my head. I tried to push him out, but he was there the whole time. When it was over My friend asked me if I was ok. I told him yeah, I just had an early day tomorrow and still had to get some things done. He got the hint and left.

Soon as he was gone I laid in my bed a cried. I didn't cry because I missed MM, I cried because I can't get away from him. I'm having sex with a man that I'm attracted to and genuinely like and there he is, in my mind.

Then I cried on the way to work today thinking how bad I just want this to be over. I haven't cried over him in months. Probably longer but the past two days I have been losing it. I'm sure it has to do with him contacting me the other day.

I just keep listening to Tom Petty's Won't Back Down. "You can stand me up at the gates of hell but I won't back down"
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Old 16th November 2017, 7:48 PM   #30
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Ugh I'm sorry to hear that. Jah said it on a differethread... and maybe you've talked about this before... but does MM's unavailability resemble something you've known in close relationships in the past?

Perhaps you think you're craving MM, but you're really craving the disappointment, loss, or rejection that reminds you of "love" that you've known in the past.

Stay strong! you're doing the best you can right now... Can you plan some friend time?? it might help.
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