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Am I being played?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 29th September 2017, 12:13 PM   #1
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Am I being played?

I've done a lot of reading through these forums over the past couple weeks and finally decided to add my own story. I am currently going through a divorce from my wife (marriage of 4 years, together for 14) and that was a very difficult thing to deal with. I thought the world was ending but then something happened.. I met someone through work.

This person is a temp employee who went to college for the same career track that I am in right now. We started off talking at work just professionally and then decided to grab drinks after work one night. Well, after a few drinks.. we ended up having sex. Thinking it was just a one night stand kind of thing due to alcohol being involved. I didn't speak to her all weekend and then asked her out to lunch the following week. We have been seeing each other over lunch ever since (that was about 4 months ago).

Here is the rub... She has a boyfriend.. lives with said boyfriend.. and has a child with him as well. Now, initially when we first started seeing each other.. I got the "I don't love him, I know he's not the one for me, etc." and that is where I decided to entertain the idea that if she is truly not happy then she will leave.

After a couple of months, she ends up telling me she loves me and we have been telling each other pretty much every day through text messages. She tells me she misses me, wants to be with me, etc. We even talked about what it would look like to be together. She said she would leave him and that she couldn't not be with me at this point. So why hasn't she left him yet? Well, she is just a temp (she just graduated with her degree) and is looking for a solid job which she says she wants for benefits. The truck she drives is in her boyfriends company's name which she is going to be trading in very soon here to get a vehicle in just her name. Both of these things I get.. she would essentially be moving in with me if she were to leave as she cannot afford to live on her own at the moment.

I will say that I have lost a lot of sleep, dealt with stress and anxiety, and just put way too much effort and energy into this situation. I did tell her that I wouldn't continue doing this forever and that I hope she is serious about leaving. We set a rough deadline for the end of October but I'm skeptical ..if she doesn't have the job situation lined up, that could be a reason to postpone. My fear is that she will continue to postpone and I'll just keep getting strung along. I'm not broke by any means and I have a great career but her boyfriend owns his own business and makes way more than I do (plus his parents are multi-millionaires) so the money thing makes me very insecure about myself. She assures me she doesn't care about any of that and has told me numerous times that I don't have anything to worry about.

I get along with her son really well. He embraces me and always gets excited to see me. She tells me his father isn't very involved with him and always sees him as a nuisance. I personally love kids and hope to have some of my own someday. For me, I really enjoy the time I spend with them. That all being said, she's playing a dangerous game of bringing him around me. He's about to be 4 so him mentioning my name could be disastrous. I also feel that she wouldn't bring him around if she wasn't serious about leaving to be with me.

Here's what I think about almost daily at this point...

Will she be able to work up the courage to try and leave her boyfriend?
If so, will she be able to resist him talking her out of it (and I'm sure he will try)?
If she gets that far.. how is he going to handle the situation once he finds out about me?
Is she going to be loyal to me going forward?

Based on everything that I've read on these forums.. I know this is a bad situation. The problem is, now I'm in love with this woman and she is very much in love with me. Do I just wait it out? What happens if things aren't in line by the deadline, do I re-evaluate or accommodate the situation if the reason is legit? Am I truly just an idiot (it's ok, I can handle it)? Actions do speak louder than words as I've read here many times and really, these are the only actions I have to go on so far...

She makes time to see me outside of work (generally about once a week)
She brings her son around me (again risky, but why do it if she's not serious)

We text each other daily and the things we say are very affectionate. I'm sure she means most of what she says but is it enough to bail on the current situation (rhetorical). I just don't know if I'm being played or not (she told me she's not playing me and got upset that I would even think like that).

I have been trying to keep myself open to the possibility of meeting someone else as well. Everyone who knows about this situation has been telling me to keep my options open because If I focus everything on this one person, I could miss out on someone truly amazing! I realized after many nights of not being able to sleep, crying, feeling depressed, that this isn't healthy for me. I just feel like I've lost my mind and really could use some input! Lately, I've been coaching myself mentally that this most likely won't pan out in my favor but of course, like many others, I'm still hopeful it will.
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Old 29th September 2017, 12:25 PM   #2
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I think you need to slow down. Take some time to be alone and process your feelings regarding the end of your marriage.
My advice is that you tell her to sort out her current situation. Also keep in mind that he will always be in your lives if you end up with her.
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Old 29th September 2017, 2:44 PM   #3
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Do you really want to get involved with someone who has cheated on her partner and walked away from her child's father so easily?

Is this really a woman who is worthy of your trust?

Edited to add... she has even worse judgment to bring her child around you. You need to be very careful with this one... it's the old saying, if she will do it with you, she will do it to you...

Last edited by BaileyB; 29th September 2017 at 2:46 PM..
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Old 29th September 2017, 2:55 PM   #4
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My very first thoughts upon reading your post, Neo81, is that this situation started off innocently enough. I have determined, in my experience, that people seem to be wandering through Life, bumping into each other unthinkingly, not considering how their words and actions will impact themselves or others. We get involved with other people knowing we aren't available in some big way. Then everyone gets hurt.

It seems to me that you both are escaping reality when dealing with each other, as neither of you are completely off the hook from your other relationships. She probably does feel this way about her boyfriend (he's not The One, "I don't love him"), but only to some extent - not totally.

Unfortunately, she will work out one way or the other how she feels for him and what she wants to do with her relationship with him on your time. This will potentially end up being a sunk cost, wasted time. And you will be resentful.

You know that is not good for either of you, she seems to be careless and is playing a dangerous game with her boyfriend and with you and with her child. You are setting up to be her soft landing, if she leaves him (which she may or may not). And you are still very much married until your divorce is final... so you and your wife may end up working it out...

It is possible the stress of your divorce is actually the culprit in your sleepless nights, crying, and depression. It may be best to stem the damage you are doing to yourself by backing away from this woman. You may love her, but it may also be limerence that you are experiencing.

Let her deal with her situation and you deal with yours. Perhaps when the dust settles, you'll find your way back to each other from a healthier standpoint.
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Old 29th September 2017, 3:54 PM   #5
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I get what everyone is saying.. I'll address this stuff as best as I can...

In regards to my wife and I working things out.. it's not happening. She has cut off all contact with me and any attempt made by me is met with "speak to my lawyer" which is a ton of fun. I tried to work it out when we first split but she just wasn't having it.

Ah yes, the "if she is willing to cheat with you, she'll most likely cheat on you" phrase. This is a big one right? Obviously I have that concern rolling around in my head. I tend to think that it won't happen (like most suckers right?) but there is a chance that could happen, yes. Is that something that I want? No. I've never been cheated on in any past relationship (that I'm aware of) so I prefer to keep it that way if possible.

The kid thing is huge, I agree. In a way, I see it as a test to see how I am around her child in that she doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't accept her son as part of that deal. Still... it's a huge risk and I get that. I was shocked initially as well.

I realize that being alone and getting my stuff straightened out is probably something I need. I'm not a fan of this whole being single thing after being in a relationship for the last 14 years. That all being said, it's not an excuse to jump right into another situation but this all just happened with bad timing. I did use it in the beginning as an escape from the divorce situation.. I just didn't expect us to fall in love with each other.
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Old 29th September 2017, 4:40 PM   #6
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She needs to get her life sorted out on her own before she starts a new relationship. Most of all she needs to make her child's wellbeing a priority and taking him away from his father and moving him right in with you would be very bad for the poor kid. If she's going to leave his father than she needs to get her own place and keep her kid separate from you and her romantic live for quite awhile. The boy is going to need time to adjust to living away from his dad before he has another man forced into his life. She doesnt' sound like a very stable partner or mother in my opinion.
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Old 29th September 2017, 4:48 PM   #7
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My young brother...

My young brother...

Take a breath. At your age, you are going to do this stuff from time to time. It may work out and it may not.

She could be stringing you along and just having an affair with you or she may not be doing that.

The only way that you will know is if she leaves and STAYS with you for the long term. And, sometimes women will do that and still go back to their exes.

Now, I am grown and I have gotten too deep into these situations before. And when it does not work out it really, really hurts. And what adds to the hurt is the child that you have grown to love that you cannot see anymore if you break up with the mother.

So I am saying that frankly, the odds of this working out are kind of slim. She may be screwing you because BF is not taking care of business.

Let her actions show where she is at...
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Old 29th September 2017, 5:05 PM   #8
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Yeah, and I'm sure her bad decision making comes from her age ( She's 28 and I'm 36) so there is definitely a difference in that respect.

She tells me they are not very intimate and she cannot remember the last time they had sex. While I think that may be somewhat true.. I'm not buying it either. Then again.. the last few years of my marriage was similar in that we rarely had sex.

I think what I struggle with the most is that I have no control over what is going to happen other than whether I choose to continue with it or not.

As for her moving in with me and that whole situation... I get it, it's far from ideal. Trust me, I agree 100% with having her get her own place and doing this the right way but I just don't see that as an option right now.

I have a lot of realization to face here. I know I do... it just sucks because I am not getting what I want (sorry, I realize that sounds childish and selfish).
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Old 29th September 2017, 6:57 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Neo81 View Post
The kid thing is huge, I agree. In a way, I see it as a test to see how I am around her child in that she doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't accept her son as part of that deal.
See, I see a mother who made a very bad decision to introduce her child to the man she is sleeping with... the man who is not the child's father. This is confusing to the child and it shows such poor judgment... A woman who makes this decision is very selfish and a very bad mother.

Thinks about it - let's say that your wife was having an affair with another man and she introduced YOUR child to this man... Would you say "No problem, she just wants to see how my child responds to the man who has been sleeping with my wife..."

I can appreciate that you may not have planned for this to happen... But, you are making a conscious choice to break up a family and more than likely, this is really not going to end well for you.

As for the fact that you are not getting what you want... Welcome to the adult world. Integrity is doing what is right, even if it's not what you want at the time.

Last edited by BaileyB; 29th September 2017 at 7:02 PM..
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Old 29th September 2017, 7:44 PM   #10
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I'll probably sound materialistic....but if my boyfriend was loaded and we had a child together....I'd need a damn good reason to leave him.
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Old 29th September 2017, 8:14 PM   #11
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Are you affectionate with this OW in front of her child? Does he see you hug and kiss? I sure hope that answer is no, but I have a feeling it isn't.

She sounds very immature --- I am not a big fan of cheaters, and cheaters with children are even worse. Her boyfriend is the child's father, correct?

She can't jump from boyfriend to you --- that isn't fair to the CHILD. It is time for her to stop being so selfish and realize this little boy needs to be her focus - his emotional and mental health are the priority, not living with you after moving out from dad. I am sure it is all fun and games right now with being a pretend family, but it isn't fairytale land for this child.

Stop participating in this deception. Stay away from her until she sorts her life out. You do realize she is of course going to tell you that the boyfriend isn't an involved dad (although she has no job so I am guessing his supporting HER and their child isn't a big deal to her, but it IS a big deal because she's not financially supporting her child) and all that "I don't love him like I love you" baloney...cause that is what it is. She isn't going to tell you she loves him and he is an amazing dad.

And the fact that she slept with you the first time you went and had drinks (and please, let's not use alcohol as the excuse - you both knew what you were doing when you chose to have sex). I'm not sure how far along you are with your divorce, but you really haven't taken the time to grieve your divorce and learn about who YOU are without a partner....realize what you contributed to the demise of your marriage.

Stay away from her until she takes charge of her life and makes decisions based on HER feelings and what is best for HER future and her child's.
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Old 29th September 2017, 9:01 PM   #12
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she would essentially be moving in with me if she were to leave as she cannot afford to live on her own at the moment.
You two should NOT live together. You barely know this woman! You know her in an affair setting. Yes you ARE the OM here.

Quote:
I get along with her son really well. He embraces me and always gets excited to see me. She tells me his father isn't very involved with him and always sees him as a nuisance. I personally love kids and hope to have some of my own someday. For me, I really enjoy the time I spend with them. That all being said, she's playing a dangerous game of bringing him around me. He's about to be 4 so him mentioning my name could be disastrous. I also feel that she wouldn't bring him around if she wasn't serious about leaving to be with me.
bolded part: I'm calling bullcrap on that!

You are not this child's father and honestly when this blows up her partner, father of her child is going to lose it knowing that some other man was around his son!

She has re written history and let her feelings for you get in the way of what she has at home. I highly doubt this man treats her poorly, ignores her and isn't there for his own child. Come on. She is manipulating you selfishly and justifying her behavior.

end it and tell her to call you when she's been on her own for a while. Don't continue to see and her son anymore. That's wrong and you know it. You're stressing out and your gut is reacting to what is going on.

If you continue, be prepared for a huge fallout and a punch in the face by her partner.
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Old 29th September 2017, 9:07 PM   #13
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I get what everyone is saying.. I'll address this stuff as best as I can...

In regards to my wife and I working things out.. it's not happening. She has cut off all contact with me and any attempt made by me is met with "speak to my lawyer" which is a ton of fun. I tried to work it out when we first split but she just wasn't having it.

Ah yes, the "if she is willing to cheat with you, she'll most likely cheat on you" phrase. This is a big one right? Obviously I have that concern rolling around in my head. I tend to think that it won't happen (like most suckers right?) but there is a chance that could happen, yes. Is that something that I want? No. I've never been cheated on in any past relationship (that I'm aware of) so I prefer to keep it that way if possible.

The kid thing is huge, I agree. In a way, I see it as a test to see how I am around her child in that she doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't accept her son as part of that deal. Still... it's a huge risk and I get that. I was shocked initially as well.

I realize that being alone and getting my stuff straightened out is probably something I need. I'm not a fan of this whole being single thing after being in a relationship for the last 14 years. That all being said, it's not an excuse to jump right into another situation but this all just happened with bad timing. I did use it in the beginning as an escape from the divorce situation.. I just didn't expect us to fall in love with each other.
How can you spend 14 years with someone and then start a new life with someone else within less than 5 months? It's so unhealthy. You are afraid to be alone and on your own (I sympathize there with you) but the habits you've formed and being in a short marriage with a long history vs an affair with someone you really don't know well isn't a good thing in the long run. It's your life and you're gonna do whatever you want to do but already your R with her is a lie. She's lying and hiding you.

Imagine 2 years down the road, she is with you...you are playing step dad to her child...she has men friends, spends time with them, texts them, how are you going to feel? Not saying she will cheat but your trust in her may not be as strong as you think it is now. Already she's showing to be quite a skilled liar by having an affair with you and involving you in her child's life without her boyfriend (father of her child) knowledge. It's sickening/wrong of her to involve her kid in this. I hope you see this?
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Old 29th September 2017, 9:13 PM   #14
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Why does she have to move in with you if she leaves him? Does she not have any close women friends? Parents? Siblings? My guess is she'd be ashamed once the truth comes out and not too many would support her in her decision to up and leave her partner and move in with you. I am guessing none of her friends or family know about you.

End it and tell her to call you when she's moved out and been on her own for a while.

Her kid is going to be devastated too IF she actually is serious about ending it. And no way is her partner going to allow you to be around their son after this blows up. He will find out the truth about you and the affair.

To me (from what you've said and just going on LS history of situations like this) it seems like she's enjoying the ego feed and all the feelings you give her. And really is too scared to give up all that she knows for the unknown.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 9:10 AM   #15
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I appreciate the input.. a lot of what is being said are things that I do know. Obviously, I'm just having trouble processing everything.

Her staying with me was due to the fact that she is unable to support herself on her own in the current job she has. Once she actually gets a steady job (she's just an intern currently) I would think that would be more reasonable. I agree, the living together thing right off the bat is a risky move.

As for the other guy, yeah.. that's probably not going to go over well with him. No matter what, he's not going to be happy when he finds out about me. I think a lot of it comes down to how she explains things to him too but either way, he'll be pissed. This is all assuming she is actually going to go through with it. I think the pressure/stress is going to get to her when it comes time to make her move and that will be it.

As for her integrity and behavior.. Yes, there would be some concerns. Those concerns would need to be talked about with a clear understanding between both of us. I realize, talk is cheap.

I know the situation is a crap show. Hearing the truth helps though which is why I reached out. Trust me, everything being said here is valid input. I have a lot of consideration to do.
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