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When NC is not possible


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 30th August 2017, 1:35 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Hbroken View Post
I really respect your words midnight blue you are one of the few people here who are non-judgmental and empathic.

i find her actions unusual too because she essentially broke up with me because she wanted me to leave my family (i had never promised or even hinted at this) and be with her after she ended her primary relationship... one minute this person wants to be with you ...one text later they are completely over you and acting as if you are friends! I am amazed that a 5 year relationship can end like this and she can expect us to be conversational and friendly without any substantial NC period in the interim!
As you say, unusual for a woman to break it off like that, but could it be she has met someone else?

Btw your terminal patient analogy is spot on.
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Old 30th August 2017, 2:30 PM   #17
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As you say, unusual for a woman to break it off like that, but could it be she has met someone else?

Btw your terminal patient analogy is spot on.
I have no idea:-(
she didn't seem so shallow as to get into a relationship immediately after a 7 y relationship with her bf and 5 year affair with me:-(
Who knows
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Old 30th August 2017, 2:45 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by Hbroken View Post
I really respect your words midnight blue you are one of the few people here who are non-judgmental and empathic.

i find her actions unusual too because she essentially broke up with me because she wanted me to leave my family (i had never promised or even hinted at this) and be with her after she ended her primary relationship... one minute this person wants to be with you ...one text later they are completely over you and acting as if you are friends! I am amazed that a 5 year relationship can end like this and she can expect us to be conversational and friendly without any substantial NC period in the interim!
If what you say is true, I doubt she is having an easy time with this.

However, since you were never intending to walk away from your marriage, this was the only outcome of your relationship with her. I know it's painful and heartbreaking for you. And I'm sure she is suffering in her own way.

I think it's great that you've only managed to run into her a couple of times the past many weeks. Already some great suggestions have been made. Keep conversations short, turn away if you see her.

Watch your self-talk. You can get through this. It will be hard. But it will get better.

Have you read back2good's post? If not, you should look it up. I found it really insightful to ready his list of all of the positive things that he's gained back out of his affair ending (he was ghosted).

All the best to you. Today is a new day.
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Old 30th August 2017, 3:00 PM   #19
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I really respect your words midnight blue you are one of the few people here who are non-judgmental and empathic.

i find her actions unusual too because she essentially broke up with me because she wanted me to leave my family (i had never promised or even hinted at this) and be with her after she ended her primary relationship... one minute this person wants to be with you ...one text later they are completely over you and acting as if you are friends! I am amazed that a 5 year relationship can end like this and she can expect us to be conversational and friendly without any substantial NC period in the interim!
Well I'm really the last person to throw stones at someone else.

I'd say that she is probably hurting like you but.....the fact that she was able to completely end it, still work at the same place and be normal after it is over...it just might not have meant as much to her as it did to you. She enjoyed it for what it was, like my xmm, and when it was done, he was over it in 5 seconds. For you, she is single, she can go meet new people, and it's easier to move on. When you are married, you cannot do that and you can't sit and wallow, you have to pretend that you are fine. I was not able to start to feel better till he was completely gone.

I understand you don't want to leave and neither did I. Looking back now, it's something my husband and I debate a lot, should I have left as soon as it was over and saved myself a year of follow-up misery? He says no because if you don't suffer, you don't learn and if you don't learn, you will go do it again. Plus of course there was the magical moment when his wife found the truth out, that would not have happened if I had left.

Your situation is different as your wife I am assuming does not know. That being said above, I was ready to leave and almost out the door when she caught what he was doing. I had had enough and it was time. So I would give it 6 months and if you don't feel better, assume you are not going to feel better until you leave and never see her again.

And you know I'm going to say this. You need to take a look at your marriage and see what is wrong and either fix it or scrap it. 5 years is a long time to have a relationship on the side. It will take a lot of work to repair your marriage, you need to decide if it is what you want.
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Old 30th August 2017, 3:08 PM   #20
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I have no idea:-(
she didn't seem so shallow as to get into a relationship immediately after a 7 y relationship with her bf and 5 year affair with me:-(
Who knows

I'm sorry OP I'm going to be brutally honest.

What is it that you expect from her? You were never going to leave your marraige. She knew that.
My AP, and I work together very closely together. There was never any faking. I knew what I was getting in to. Did I hope for a different outcome of course I did. I love him, I want to be with him and share my life with him......BUT that is not going to happen . So am I suposed to sit around and mope, and cry and tell him how much I miss him. Or how many times I just sit and randomly cry?

Nope!! He made his choice and I have to make mine. I'm friendly because I don't need him to know how sad I am. For what purpose. In the past that only "brings us back together" it's time to go forward.

And yes I'm dating. It's a distraction but you know what I can, I am single he is not.

Maybe you should try to figure out how you can carry on a double life and relationship for so long.
You want her to be sad and miss you because you are stuck. Whatever brought you here is still here. Whatever your reasons are are still the same.
And maybe it pains you because she is moving on with her life but your still in the same place with no changes.
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Old 30th August 2017, 3:32 PM   #21
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I am a MM and my OW decided to call it quits 2 months ago because she felt she couldn't wait any longer. I had never said I'd leave my wife. She was previously in unsatisfying LTR and so the A worked for both of us but then she ended her relationship but I wasn't unhappy enough to end mine so our relationship ended. Since then I've never contacted her and I have accepted her decision as it was for the best. The problem is that we work in the same building and therefore try as hard as I may to avoid her we inevitable bump into each other and this happened again yesterday. I had managed to avoid her successfully for 5 weeks prior to yesterday. So she came up and said 'hi stranger.. What are you doing here?'
Me: I just had to pick up some papers (true)
Her: did you go to the party last Friday
Me:which party?
Her: so and so's party
Me: no.. I don't think I was invited
Her: yes you definitely were... I saw on facebook
Me: oh ok I haven't checked facebook for ages. Did you go?
Her: no I went to see Amber (a mutual friend) and she gave me a lift down to London
Me: cool... By this time someone came to talk to her and I got up and left

And suddenly all my progress for the past 8 weeks seemed undone and I felt sad and tearful.

I can't leave my job and can't expect her to leave here
And I am just not sure how I can manage like this. She seemed pretty calm and collected as did I (although I was really struggling inside)
Surely we can't go on like this? To my mind I can't see my progress becoming derailed like this...I could try and keep avoiding her but that is also quite anxiety inducing in itself:-( Has anyone been in this situation and how did you deal with it?


Just my 2 cents here...

I was the "other woman" for lack of a better term. He was separated and when he got back with his wife, I told him I could no longer play this game. Although it was not as long as yours and definitely not as intense, I developed strong feeling for him and became attached. So after months of this and suddenly trying to go NC it hurt like hell. Every time I saw him I would open the wound and not even realize I was doing it. BUT from day 1, I acted like I was completely fine because if I didn't, I would break down and my job is extremely important to me. It still hurts and it's been months. I finally realized that having full on conversations with him was only prolonging the pain. I started to keep my distance and only hello and goodbye. It definitely helped.

So my point -just because she's acting fine doesn't mean she is. It's also not good for you to think she is hurting because it might draw you back like it did me. You need to close that door as hard as it is believe me I know and I feel for you. It is difficult and probably one of the hardest things I had to do , but you will get through it as long as you put in that extra effort to stay away.
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Old 30th August 2017, 4:23 PM   #22
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one minute this person wants to be with you ...one text later they are completely over you and acting as if you are friends! I am amazed that a 5 year relationship can end like this and she can expect us to be conversational and friendly without any substantial NC period in the interim!
I relate completely; dealing with a very similar situation (though the background is different) with an xAP who seems to want to go back to being casual friends despite confessing a couple of weeks ago that she "still loves me" but "doesn't want to stand in my way of real happiness." It just shows you that two people can experience the same relationship very differently - one person puts a lot more importance and significance on it than another.

Hbroken, I can tell from your posts that you truly did love your OW and that you're taking the breakup very hard. That being said, may I ask why you never considered leaving your wife? Please understand I am asking without any judgment - the huge (and mostly recent) presence of a number of xBSs on this board who only ever post judgment and negativity is a large reason I stopped posting nearly as often. I'm just curious about how/why you decided to remain married despite being obviously in love with someone else.
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Old 30th August 2017, 5:39 PM   #23
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I'm in a very similar situation, with the added 'benefit' of long distance. Like you, I can leave my job. Like you, probably, finding something comparable in benefits, pay, etc, would be a pretty tough challenge, never mind erasing all the good relationships you have with coworkers you didn't have romantic relationships with...

I get her closing that door. Probably, she desperately hopes you will come and bust it down and make the changes needed to be together. From what you said, it sounds like that is not part of the plan.

It took her five years... it took me most of one (likely the distance helped me figure it out a little quicker) to realize loving someone, caring about someone, wanting someone, doesn't mean you will ever get to be with that someone. Not all, but most women, who spend a lot of time with a man and sleep with him want to be his. Not his cake, but his everything.

Likely, she's been feeling this pain you're feeling for a while. Realizing it's not going anywhere, that her fairytale has hit a brick wall of a dead end. Yeah, she knew it wasn't going anywhere. But deep down, she hoped you were seeing something in her that made you want to turn the tide to make it happen.

Sorry you're having a rough time. And maybe this isn't what she's feeling at all right now, but it's where I'm at.

I guess.. there are reasons you are staying in your marriage. The best you can do is reaffirm those, and keep doing as you are. The more time passes, the more distance, the easier it will be if the same happens again.

Or so I've been told...
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Old 30th August 2017, 6:40 PM   #24
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We'll first of all, I cannot even begin to tell you how wrong cheating is.

But, for the problem at hand - I would suggest first coming clean with your wife before she opens up to your wife about it.

Because this lady sounds a little stalker-ish - and that might become a problem, especially if you end up having to get police involved.

It's time to face the music.
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Old 30th August 2017, 7:30 PM   #25
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I am the head of my department and have garnered a huge amount of goodwill and respect in my time here. I guess it would not be impossible to move but i stand to lose everything i have ever worked for in my career.
So you can not be head some where else?

So you can not get an even higher position some
where else?

So you can not develop good will some where else?

So you will not be respected some where else?

Life has consequences. You had no problem banging
this woman. So why are you complaining about facing
your consequences and paying the price now for you
had your fun?

You also choose to ignore that having an affair with a
co-worker just adds to the problems afterwards.

I suggest the way you ignored the potential problems
before you banged her that you ignore the things that
are bothering you now after you are done banging her.

You ignored reality then.

You ignore reality now.
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Old 30th August 2017, 8:17 PM   #26
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We'll first of all, I cannot even begin to tell you how wrong cheating is.

But, for the problem at hand - I would suggest first coming clean with your wife before she opens up to your wife about it.

Because this lady sounds a little stalker-ish - and that might become a problem, especially if you end up having to get police involved.

It's time to face the music.
Stalker? Police? She ended it and has not contacted him for weeks. She is clearly over it and moved on.

I'm pretty sure OP is aware cheating is wrong. I sense no risk the woman has any interest in contacting the wife.
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Old 30th August 2017, 8:21 PM   #27
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Hbroken...I feel your pain (and anxiety....and stress). I'm in the same situation, albeit only a few weeks into my split from my MM. I take every precaution available to avoid him at work, knowing that even a glimpse will derail whatever progress I've made. You're right...it's exhausting.

During our last conversation when he told me he was going to reconcile with his wife, he asked that I "not be a stranger". I told him no. There can be nothing between us. I'm glad that I was able to set that boundry. I can only assume that perhaps he wanted to keep some small means of potential connection with me or an attempt to lessen his guilt over his decision? I'll never know.

I think you got some good advice, especially the one where you excuse yourself every time she tries to make a connection. I would hope that over time, she would eventually realize that you're not available to her anymore and drift away.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks. Hang in there.
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Old 31st August 2017, 2:11 AM   #28
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I hate comments that say "yes you can leave your job" and I see so many of those in so many other topics and that is complete bs. Sometimes YOU CAN LEAVE but it's not the most sane/smartest thing to do. I make 6-figures and I need every penny as I'm supporting my parents(and myself so that's two mortgages), I cannot simply find a job that easily that would pay me 6-figures, I'd have to take a huge pay cut honestly and I CANT DO THAT. Just because you can do something doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. Can I go jump off a bridge?? Yes of course, but I won't like the end result, so those comments "are you chained" or whatever are not really helping anybody AT ALL.


I'm dealing with the same situation as you at my work. It's a nightmare as I had to change everything in my daily work life so I don't run into her and I still sometimes do. It's hard, especially when she tries to make small talk, be friendly and whatnot and all I want is to be left alone.

It's amazing how they all wanna be friends after its over.


My advice is to be polite and just keep it moving when you do run into her. NO SMALL TALK, pretend you're busy and walk away. This MAY trigger her so expect a salvo of messages/emails, you just gotta stand your ground.

Good luck,
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Last edited by Origin; 31st August 2017 at 2:38 AM..
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Old 31st August 2017, 3:55 AM   #29
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Apologies for this post. I dont have access to the journal but i needed to put this somewhere safe where i could look at it from time to time to gain strength. After many many weeks, i am finally getting to the stage where i am beginning to get some clarity. I thank you for all your posts. I am a flawed person and i need to recognise this and take responsibility for this and i will.

31st Aug

Today, I have finally come to the unbearable decision to let go.

Let go of everything. My hopes, my expectations, my disappointment, my anger and resentment. Most of all i need to let go of my ego. Its been over 2 months and it has been the hardest 2 months of my life. I have never felt so conflicted, so confused, so bereft, so abandoned. Whilst I tried to hold my head up high and act as if i was comfortable walking away somewhere I longed for compassion but also control after the sudden breakup.

I am deeply sad that something which was more than an A but a friendship has ended without closure. Without the chance for me to say that I deserved more compassion for what I had contributed. I wish I could have said that I deserved more than a text message for 5 years of my investment. It was not to be. I hate to admit it but more than anything it was my ego that took a battering.

2 months of my life, my headspace have been devoted to figuring someone else out, their actions, their words, why they chose to do what they did. Whilst I chose to maintain a calm exterior somewhere my ego was plotting – could I cause pain back, could I somehow win… the truth is that the problem is within me.

The truth is that I cant control anyone else. The truth is that I will never know the truth. The truth is that I still wanted something from someone else and they have no obligation to give it to me. It is also true to say these feelings could have been caused by anyone. There was nothing special about this particular person. They did what they needed to do for themselves. They pampered my ego by their presence but perhaps the relationship had died a long time ago. They did not fulfil my emotional needs towards the end and neither did I connect with them the way I used to do. This is the truth and was very apparent even when they existed in my life.

I have to accept reality and truly move on. I can only do so by forgiving them and myself and being grateful for all that I am left with. Yes my ego has taken a battering. Yes I feel sad but I don’t need another person to behave in a certain way to make me feel better. I have gone through the grief and it will still stay me for a few more months. I will need to look after myself first and foremost. I will need to protect myself from more injury. I will need to concentrate on being a better person. I will need to learn from this that perhaps the way to avoid conflict is to face it head on and not run from it and bear resentment.

This person owes me no explanation. They have their own conscience and their own values. Perhaps those are not aligned with my own. I don’t need to worry or occupy myself with thoughts about what they will do in their future life or whether they will love another like they would love me … this is my ego’s desire. I need to be more than my ego. It doesn’t really matter. Once you let go, nothing really matters – only you and those close to you at this point in time.

From today, I will not plot
From today i will actively try and discard ego thoughts and replace them with constructive thoughts that will add value to my life when realised.
From today, I will not do anything other than be myself.
From today, I will decide that I am enough and I don’t need anyone else’s validation to make me feel better
From today, i will be honest about my needs and expectations from those close to me
From today, I will walk away and be indifferent. From today I will not try to cross paths with her. From today I will look for happiness within me and within my life rather than from someone else.
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Old 31st August 2017, 4:31 AM   #30
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Stalker? Police? She ended it and has not contacted him for weeks. She is clearly over it and moved on.

I'm pretty sure OP is aware cheating is wrong. I sense no risk the woman has any interest in contacting the wife.
I had gathered that she showed up at some place talking about a party she knew he was at? That is a red flag for me. . .
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