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When NC is not possible


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 30th August 2017, 6:53 AM   #1
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When NC is not possible

I am a MM and my OW decided to call it quits 2 months ago because she felt she couldn't wait any longer. I had never said I'd leave my wife. She was previously in unsatisfying LTR and so the A worked for both of us but then she ended her relationship but I wasn't unhappy enough to end mine so our relationship ended. Since then I've never contacted her and I have accepted her decision as it was for the best. The problem is that we work in the same building and therefore try as hard as I may to avoid her we inevitable bump into each other and this happened again yesterday. I had managed to avoid her successfully for 5 weeks prior to yesterday. So she came up and said 'hi stranger.. What are you doing here?'
Me: I just had to pick up some papers (true)
Her: did you go to the party last Friday
Me:which party?
Her: so and so's party
Me: no.. I don't think I was invited
Her: yes you definitely were... I saw on facebook
Me: oh ok I haven't checked facebook for ages. Did you go?
Her: no I went to see Amber (a mutual friend) and she gave me a lift down to London
Me: cool... By this time someone came to talk to her and I got up and left

And suddenly all my progress for the past 8 weeks seemed undone and I felt sad and tearful.

I can't leave my job and can't expect her to leave here
And I am just not sure how I can manage like this. She seemed pretty calm and collected as did I (although I was really struggling inside)
Surely we can't go on like this? To my mind I can't see my progress becoming derailed like this...I could try and keep avoiding her but that is also quite anxiety inducing in itself:-( Has anyone been in this situation and how did you deal with it?
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Old 30th August 2017, 6:58 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by Hbroken View Post
I am a MM and my OW decided to call it quits 2 months ago because she felt she couldn't wait any longer. I had never said I'd leave my wife. She was previously in unsatisfying LTR and so the A worked for both of us but then she ended her relationship but I wasn't unhappy enough to end mine so our relationship ended. Since then I've never contacted her and I have accepted her decision as it was for the best. The problem is that we work in the same building and therefore try as hard as I may to avoid her we inevitable bump into each other and this happened again yesterday. I had managed to avoid her successfully for 5 weeks prior to yesterday. So she came up and said 'hi stranger.. What are you doing here?'
Me: I just had to pick up some papers (true)
Her: did you go to the party last Friday
Me:which party?
Her: so and so's party
Me: no.. I don't think I was invited
Her: yes you definitely were... I saw on facebook
Me: oh ok I haven't checked facebook for ages. Did you go?
Her: no I went to see Amber (a mutual friend) and she gave me a lift down to London
Me: cool... By this time someone came to talk to her and I got up and left

And suddenly all my progress for the past 8 weeks seemed undone and I felt sad and tearful.

I can't leave my job and can't expect her to leave here
And I am just not sure how I can manage like this. She seemed pretty calm and collected as did I (although I was really struggling inside)
Surely we can't go on like this? To my mind I can't see my progress becoming derailed like this...I could try and keep avoiding her but that is also quite anxiety inducing in itself:-( Has anyone been in this situation and how did you deal with it?
Of course I could go and tell her that I don't want her to speak to me but this i itself will probably create more tension which I could do without.. I'm some ways it'd have been easier if she didnt come and speak with me because as she is the dumper she gets to set the boundaries...but she clearly does feel that we can be kind of friends and I am not sure that can work:-(
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Old 30th August 2017, 7:34 AM   #3
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I can't leave my job and can't expect her to leave here
And I am just not sure how I can manage like this. She seemed pretty calm and collected as did I (although I was really struggling inside)
Surely we can't go on like this? To my mind I can't see my progress becoming derailed like this...I could try and keep avoiding her but that is also quite anxiety inducing in itself:-( Has anyone been in this situation and how did you deal with it?
Can't leave the job?

Why are you chained to the desk, a slave.
a serf, what?
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Old 30th August 2017, 7:42 AM   #4
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You CAN leave your job. You choose not to, because it would be difficult and cause a lot of problems in your life.

I'm not going to tell you that you have to leave your job, that's up to you, but you do have to recognise what parts of the situation are your own decision. You chose to have an affair with a coworker, you chose to stay at the job. If you accept the responsibility for the things that you did choose, it can make it easier to identify and deal with the things that you can't choose and can't control.

You can't control your OW. You can't force her to quit, or to never speak to you. So what CAN you do?

You can try to avoid her. This won't always work. By accident or change, she may run into you. What can you do then?

You can insist on leaving immediately if she comes near you. This might be seen as rude. Which would you rather do, be seen as rude or handle the emotional confusion of talking to her? Your choice, your decision.

Think about your options. What can you do? What are you willing to do?
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Old 30th August 2017, 9:37 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by Hbroken View Post
Of course I could go and tell her that I don't want her to speak to me but this i itself will probably create more tension which I could do without.. I'm some ways it'd have been easier if she didnt come and speak with me because as she is the dumper she gets to set the boundaries...but she clearly does feel that we can be kind of friends and I am not sure that can work:-(
No not at all. You tell her not to approach you at work and make small talk. Tell her to respect your wishes to go NC and that means no friendship at all. Nothing.

YOU set the boundaries, not her! Who cares how she feels, she certainly doesn't give a crap about you and your feelings, if she did she wouldn't be trying to be happy go lucky around you and pretending all is okay.
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Old 30th August 2017, 10:18 AM   #6
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Twice in two months while at work --your interaction isn't daily so that is a plus. Unless you leave the job, you're going to have to deal with it.

I'd advise you to go onto your FB and block her also.

Last edited by Doublegold; 30th August 2017 at 10:22 AM.. Reason: Typos
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Old 30th August 2017, 11:28 AM   #7
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There are consequences to your actions. This is one of them.

If you have to see her at work, do not engage at all. In any way. For example, the conversation above would go like this:

Her: What are you doing here?
You: I'm picking up some papers. Excuse me. (You leave.)

Do you see how that works? You're polite yet ending the conversation. Here's another one:

Her: Are you going to that meeting?
You: I'll have to check my calendar. Excuse me. (You leave.)

Rinse and repeat.

The fact that you're still working with your xAP is another whole issue, and one you should take seriously. Can you move forward with xAP still around? What will happen if/when your wife finds out and realizes you're still working with xAP? Just some stuff to think about.

GL.
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Old 30th August 2017, 12:34 PM   #8
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Twice in two months while at work --your interaction isn't daily so that is a plus. Unless you leave the job, you're going to have to deal with it.

I'd advise you to go onto your FB and block her also.
Thank you. we are not friends on Facebook but i guess the party invite was put out by the host on Facebook and therefore you can see who else has been invited
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Old 30th August 2017, 12:35 PM   #9
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I tried to do what you are doing for a year. It does not work. I had constant agony, pain, anxiety and later, health issues from the stress. You'll read it here a lot and it's true. You can't get over someone while you still see them. You need complete and final NC. I was preparing to leave our mutual place when his wife broke into his phone, learned the truth and pulled him out.
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Old 30th August 2017, 12:36 PM   #10
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Twice in two months while at work --your interaction isn't daily so that is a plus. Unless you leave the job, you're going to have to deal with it.

I'd advise you to go onto your FB and block her also.

Also its been 3 times in the last 8 weeks and for 3 of those weeks, i went away on holiday to try and get away from her..:-( and for at least 3 additional weeks, i made sure i went straight from the entrance to my office to avoid any interaction with anyone lest our paths crossed in the corridor etc- very anxiety provoking!
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Old 30th August 2017, 12:42 PM   #11
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I tried to do what you are doing for a year. It does not work. I had constant agony, pain, anxiety and later, health issues from the stress. You'll read it here a lot and it's true. You can't get over someone while you still see them. You need complete and final NC. I was preparing to leave our mutual place when his wife broke into his phone, learned the truth and pulled him out.
Thank you. I guess its not so bad for her as she is out of her relationship now.

For me its very very hard. i think i might look at taking a sabbatical and going away for a year.

It all happened by text. She just texted and said that she needed to move on and i immediately wished her the best by text back and that was it. i was sort of shell shocked...for a while because i never really got any sort of closure. its a bit like looking after a terminal patient (our relationship)... you know the patient is going to die soon but sometimes the patient dies so suddenly and unexpectedly and before you get a proper chance to say your goodbyes - this is what happened to me and therefore i think it has hurt me a lot more. She seems completely fine and dandy!
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Old 30th August 2017, 12:44 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Bittersweetie View Post
There are consequences to your actions. This is one of them.

If you have to see her at work, do not engage at all. In any way. For example, the conversation above would go like this:

Her: What are you doing here?
You: I'm picking up some papers. Excuse me. (You leave.)

Do you see how that works? You're polite yet ending the conversation. Here's another one:

Her: Are you going to that meeting?
You: I'll have to check my calendar. Excuse me. (You leave.)

Rinse and repeat.

The fact that you're still working with your xAP is another whole issue, and one you should take seriously. Can you move forward with xAP still around? What will happen if/when your wife finds out and realizes you're still working with xAP? Just some stuff to think about.

GL.
Thank you. good advice and i will have to try it. But its not going to be easy. Somewhere deep down you long for an interaction and when it does happen you realise how damaging it can be.
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Old 30th August 2017, 12:46 PM   #13
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Thank you. I guess its not so bad for her as she is out of her relationship now.

For me its very very hard. i think i might look at taking a sabbatical and going away for a year.

It all happened by text. She just texted and said that she needed to move on and i immediately wished her the best by text back and that was it. i was sort of shell shocked...for a while because i never really got any sort of closure. its a bit like looking after a terminal patient (our relationship)... you know the patient is going to die soon but sometimes the patient dies so suddenly and unexpectedly and before you get a proper chance to say your goodbyes - this is what happened to me and therefore i think it has hurt me a lot more. She seems completely fine and dandy!
It's unusual for a woman to act like that. I had the same experience where he was totally fine after it was over (different circumstances, you can see my story) and it makes it a lot worse to see how little you mattered and were basically just used.
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Old 30th August 2017, 12:46 PM   #14
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Can't leave the job?

Why are you chained to the desk, a slave.
a serf, what?
I am the head of my department and have garnered a huge amount of goodwill and respect in my time here. I guess it would not be impossible to move but i stand to lose everything i have ever worked for in my career.
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Old 30th August 2017, 12:52 PM   #15
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It's unusual for a woman to act like that. I had the same experience where he was totally fine after it was over (different circumstances, you can see my story) and it makes it a lot worse to see how little you mattered and were basically just used.
I really respect your words midnight blue you are one of the few people here who are non-judgmental and empathic.

i find her actions unusual too because she essentially broke up with me because she wanted me to leave my family (i had never promised or even hinted at this) and be with her after she ended her primary relationship... one minute this person wants to be with you ...one text later they are completely over you and acting as if you are friends! I am amazed that a 5 year relationship can end like this and she can expect us to be conversational and friendly without any substantial NC period in the interim!
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