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NC at work


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 26th April 2017, 5:11 PM   #46
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I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling the person I know at work, who is always nice, even gentlemanly, with the thug I saw away from work. I believe the person I saw outside of work is the real him though.

Not even sure why this hurts. It just does.
I hope you're ok. I can't offer much advice as I just broke NC with my MM, who I work with, so I'm in a similar place. But, I wanted to comment on this part of your post.

Before I went NC with my MM I read the no contact rule by Natalie Lue. There's a chapter on working with the person you're NC with and she talks about this particular point. She basically says that (especially when you feel a strong sense of rejection) you need to remember that just because they might be liked by other people, or they treat them well, it doesn't distract from or change the fact that it didn't work with you. The way somebody behaves at work and to their 'public' doesn't have anything to do with how they behave behind closed doors. So you need to remind yourself that you know this person in a different way to everyone else.

She recommends going on a bull**** diet... shattering your illusions about them and how they are perceived and seeing them for what they are. I just wanted you to know that what you're feeling isn't unusual (there's a whole chapter in a book about it!) it seems to be a common reaction, but you're right you do know the real him.
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Old 26th April 2017, 8:26 PM   #47
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^^^ Exactly. The gentleman he was at work was just a facade for the cruel sociopath that he has hiding inside. Like Christian Bale's character in American Psycho. It's understandable that this is confusing, because most people do not have a Jekyl and Hyde personality. But! He does! Remember, he basically raped you with physical force.....you know? I'm sorry to bring that up because I know it must be a difficult memory. But really, this is not a nice or good man in any way. You're doing great! Keep up the NC. It'll hurt less and less over time.
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Old 26th April 2017, 9:51 PM   #48
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Thanks Rebelnoir and Birdies.

To be honest, and I cringe to say this, because I'm ashamed of myself too - I haven't been able to maintain NC with him. I haven't had any physical contact with him since the beginning of the year, when he asked me to do something humiliating that I'd never done before, and I did it. And then afterwards he left me in the parking lot alone because he didn't want to walk into work with me. So I had to follow behind while I watched him hold the door open for another woman and accompany her back to her work area. I changed my phone number that night, and began the process of withdrawal.

It worked too, for 6 weeks, even though at times I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. Then my first therapist said she didn't think we were a good fit, and I got another one who suggested I sit down and talk with this guy and try to come to an understanding. That's when I broke no contact.

There hasn't been much contact, and for the most part, I do stay away. And now I think he's decided that I'm too difficult, and I'm suspecting he's working on or actually found someone else, so he isn't making an effort to contact me. And all this should be great news. But I'm still mentally addicted, and I conjure up scenarios of him being with someone else and treating her with the respect that he never had for me. I know this is crazy. He doesn't even respect his wife enough to stay faithful to her.

Maybe I'll be better tomorrow. The support honestly helps.
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Old 26th April 2017, 11:30 PM   #49
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But I'm still mentally addicted, and I conjure up scenarios of him being with someone else and treating her with the respect that he never had for me.
Jah, I believe it was Rebelnoir who mentioned The No Contact Rule by Natalie Lue. The aforementioned author also drives home the point in all of her books and on her blog that people *don't* magically change when they are with someone new. They are putting their best foot forward, but their actual personalities eventually emerge.

By the way, I found her book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl to be most helpful.
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Old 27th April 2017, 8:00 AM   #50
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Thanks Rebelnoir and Birdies.

To be honest, and I cringe to say this, because I'm ashamed of myself too - I haven't been able to maintain NC with him. I haven't had any physical contact with him since the beginning of the year, when he asked me to do something humiliating that I'd never done before, and I did it. And then afterwards he left me in the parking lot alone because he didn't want to walk into work with me. So I had to follow behind while I watched him hold the door open for another woman and accompany her back to her work area. I changed my phone number that night, and began the process of withdrawal.

It worked too, for 6 weeks, even though at times I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. Then my first therapist said she didn't think we were a good fit, and I got another one who suggested I sit down and talk with this guy and try to come to an understanding. That's when I broke no contact.

There hasn't been much contact, and for the most part, I do stay away. And now I think he's decided that I'm too difficult, and I'm suspecting he's working on or actually found someone else, so he isn't making an effort to contact me. And all this should be great news. But I'm still mentally addicted, and I conjure up scenarios of him being with someone else and treating her with the respect that he never had for me. I know this is crazy. He doesn't even respect his wife enough to stay faithful to her.

Maybe I'll be better tomorrow. The support honestly helps.
That's ok, no contact is a goal, and if you're doing it 90%, that's a hell of a lot better than 0%. And yes, those visions are a complete fantasy (although understandable) - you know who this guy is. He's not magically going to turn into a good guy. He's an abusive sociopath.
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Old 9th June 2017, 11:00 PM   #51
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Had a talk with him today. It went ok but I had to laugh at one point. He claims he only wanted sex with me for my benefit because I'm single. He must think I'm really ****ing stupid.
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Old 10th June 2017, 3:29 AM   #52
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Had a talk with him today. It went ok but I had to laugh at one point. He claims he only wanted sex with me for my benefit because I'm single. He must think I'm really ****ing stupid.
OMG, I can't believe this jah! He sounds like a real jerk in saying this. Hopefully this will give you more clarity in seeing him for exact what he is (which you have already demonstrated in this thread).

NC and breaking the addiction is so darn tough, but you can do it.

We are here for you. x
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Old 10th June 2017, 4:42 AM   #53
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Had a talk with him today. It went ok but I had to laugh at one point. He claims he only wanted sex with me for my benefit because I'm single. He must think I'm really ****ing stupid.
Might be one of the more honest things he's said. Guys sometimes project our sex drive onto women, so, yeah, if a guy was single and lonely, a woman "swooping in" to give them some sex on the side might be a good thing.

Either way, he's telling you what you need to know. Get out of this situation.
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Old 10th June 2017, 3:33 PM   #54
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You can't have NC if you are seeing him. I tried this for a year and it was a miserable year. I developed health problems from the stress. You need to remove yourself from this situation. I know it seems really impossible but it's not. When xmm's wife pulled him out end of Nov 16, my husband said - 6 months, you will feel better on June 1st. And I feel better! But I lost 2 years of my life I can't get back.

End it completely and don't look back.
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Old 10th June 2017, 4:27 PM   #55
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He is 'bestowing' sex on you?.. He gotta be kidding.. what an A class arse.
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Old 16th June 2017, 2:10 PM   #56
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Fridays are hard for me. I have a great coworker who is not in the office on Fridays, and though we email, it feels very lonely without him there. There are other bad things going on there - I'm being sidelined, which hurts (nothing to do with the A). So I go in, with not much to do, no supportive coworkers, and it takes everything I have not to text MM or go over and chat with him.

During our chat last Friday I asked him if we could just be friends without the benefits. He said yes, and that it would never happen again. And that his promise was good (um yeah, except for that pesky wedding vow promise, apparently).

Monday he came on full steam, wanting me to come chat with him, wanting me to go to the gym. Once we got to the parking lot he changed it. He's done this a million times, and it's his usual bait and switch tactic. We ended up in my apartment. So much for that talk on Friday. So much for promises. He was talking like he wanted to continue on with this.

Then the next day, dead silence. I texted him a few times and asked if he wasn't talking to me. He said no, but then... nothing. Nothing all week. I am confused. I don't know if this is the final end or what. Or if this is some kind of revenge for my periods of NC and ghosting.

Anyway, I just had to get this off my chest. It's hard to cope some days.
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Old 21st June 2017, 10:20 PM   #57
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I've fallen down the rabbit hole again. He has been a lot nicer to me lately. Even gave me a bracelet today. Then I found out he also gave one to his gym instructor, and now I'm wondering if he is screwing her too (he says he isn't but who the hell knows).

I know I'm going to have to cut this off again. I don't even want this anymore. Not getting much out of it except some physical contact. But now I feel scummy and like I need to be tested for everything under the sun (we are being safe, but still).

I'm just going to have to pick a time and change my number again. I will let him know this time. Then it will really be over.

I hate being this damn weak.
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Old 21st June 2017, 10:32 PM   #58
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I've fallen down the rabbit hole again. He has been a lot nicer to me lately. Even gave me a bracelet today. Then I found out he also gave one to his gym instructor, and now I'm wondering if he is screwing her too (he says he isn't but who the hell knows).

I know I'm going to have to cut this off again. I don't even want this anymore. Not getting much out of it except some physical contact. But now I feel scummy and like I need to be tested for everything under the sun (we are being safe, but still).

I'm just going to have to pick a time and change my number again. I will let him know this time. Then it will really be over.

I hate being this damn weak.
Hmmm. A bracelet to his gym instructor?? Not a good sign.

There's really no secret or shortcut. You need to get out of this. I know it's easier said than done. Unfortunately there's no magic pill to make it easier and faster. I don't think letting him know will make it "really be over". He will come back again most likely. It all comes down to you gaining the strength to get him and keep him out of your life.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Don't call yourself weak. It's a difficult situation and we can't help how we feel. You just need to put the feelings aside and let your rational brain control your actions. The feelings will eventually subside. Mind over matter is what I tell myself. If I tell myself what I need to do and just do it, everything else will fall into place.

I'm sorry
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Old 21st June 2017, 11:24 PM   #59
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I don't think letting him know will make it "really be over". He will come back again most likely.
True, but changing my number will. It worked before, until I stupidly gave him my new one. He will have no way to contact me then. The previous time I did this I just changed it without telling him and then I felt guilty on top of everything else.

At least I know I've done this before, and it lasted for 5 months. It should be easier this time.

I know people here say NC over and over, and I didn't want to believe that it had to go that far. But it does. I know it does.

Thanks for the support, lostgirl. I appreciate it.
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Old 22nd June 2017, 10:14 PM   #60
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Well, she posted a picture of the bracelet. Apparently he took her out to eat too. Don't think she knows he's married. But this is the final nail for me. Sex with me yesterday, not a word today, and then this.

Ugh. It's painful and I feel like an idiot. But I am finally done. I'm just going to ghost. God, his poor, poor wife.

"Just have fun" - his a*****e motto. No matter who it hurts.
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