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Just found out my gf of almost 4 years wants to sleep with her boss

Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 10th November 2017, 8:14 AM   #46
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Hypergamy. You are the secure home body that was easy to get established. Now she has a HUGE alpha male in her sights. He's married, doesn't matter. He has a newborn, doesn't matter. In the primitive thought, she is looking at "mating capability for higher status and resources". If you planned on keeping this woman, you need to be the bigger alpha. What is the money situation like. Do you do pretty good for yourself? Have a non emotional talk about her feelings and your wants and plans for future. If she is wishy washy about it....YOU have your answer. She is in the jumping ship mode. Thank heavens you are not married. If she wants to keep this relationship with you. You need to have her EARN it. Go cold. Don't react to comments or her demands. You need to play the alpha now. Plenty of online relationship coaches show how to do this.
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Old 11th November 2017, 10:26 AM   #47
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Hi Folks, from what I can see the OP's GF is an adult and if she has reservations about whether the OP plans to marry her or not, she could as well sit him down and have a serious discussion about their future plans. She does not have to cheat with her boss to send a message to the OP. If anything, it just goes to show that she is not a reliable partner and OP would do well to rid himself of her. However, before he does that he has to sit her down and have that serious 'talk' before taking the next step. It is the minimum he owes her after having been with her for four years. Just some thoughts. Warm wishes.
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Old 11th November 2017, 12:18 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by Robbierob View Post
I read her chat logs with her boss last night it was all completely work related... she always tells me if someone has crossed the line in regards flirting, or if someones asked for her number, even when all this started she was completely open about her boss and his advances... but now all of a sudden hes "the only person she can confide in" he gives her preferential treatment at work as well. I know he fancies her, im just hoping she feels lost i suppose. To be honest this whole situation has just torn me apart. I was about to start planning a proposal... anyway wish me luck
No, luck has nothing to do with it.

My personal opinion is that, if you have read much of this forum, you will understand some of the patterns in infidelity with limerence like this (and while we're on it, look that up: limerence). What I see here is - regardless of whatever her vulnerabilities are - it sounds to me like it's at the very least mutual but would not have happened if he had not opened the door wide with all the "preferential treatment" and flattering intimacies. I'm sure her colleagues either pity her or are jealous. How old are you guys anyway? Only excuse I can anyone for this kind of wholesale fall into such a trap is immaturity.

But anyway, back to patterns: She's following one of them and, in my opinion, NOTHING will knock sense into people already in limerence orbit except you, upending her world from this side.

I personally think the worst thing you can do is what I did:
You DON'T give "I understand" speeches.
You DON'T say first thing "last chance."
And you DON'T say, "If you ever do it again, I'll..." because ...

N O N E of that works when they're already sucked into the AP's halo effect from the kindness/attention/admiration/etc. She has to be SHOCKED into awareness and you can only do that by throwing her out with the trash. You have to say this is complete bullshyte and that you have no future with someone:
- so easily conned by flattery and sympathy
- without, apparently, any self-awareness
- and without sensitivity or thought of how such a relationship affects YOU.
So if she can't see clearly WHAT IT MEANS when something like this is happening to her and someone she's supposed to be exclusively committed to, then she doesn't understand what exclusive commitment means. If she did, then ALL her vulnerability and openness is toward you and making your relationship fuller, more intimate and more meaningful for both of you; confiding in YOU; learning to communicate with you so that you are more effective at supporting each other and have no wish to give that job to someone else. You say that you can't spend your life teaching her what's important or looking over your shoulder to make sure she's on track.

And you kick her out. It's like parenting a teenager. Their hormones are sparking and soaring, and they have no clue that what they're doing is self-destructive and even less control to stop it. Only tragedy, shock or time will teach them. You don't have 5 years to wait for her to grow out of this, so what do you choose? Tragedy or shock? Shock is most survivable but not for the feint of heart.

OH! And it won't work if you don't mean it. In other words, it's one of life's Catch-22s that you must sincerely be willing to lose her to have any chance of keeping her, but you must be operating from the "lose her" green light for it to work. She won't believe you otherwise and will continue to hedge bets. IT HAS TO BE ABSOLUTE to shake her out of it.

And finally, you absolutely do not forgive her at the first or even the hundredth tear. You wait. Wait. Wait. Stay. Stay. From the moment she starts waking up until maybe even the day you die, SHE works to gain awareness, true commitment and maturity. She will remember this moment with fear and gratitude that she came around in time. That's the best result.

And you? You gain independence. Your stomach stops churning and you walk forward into YOUR future having done and said what you believe and expect in a exclusively committed relationship. IF she comes around, you can decide to give her a chance BUT NOT with tears of relief and wimpy warnings.

Anyway, I'm tired of writing. Others may take up some of these points or not. I know it's true by what I did wrong (and then right) and by reading hundreds of examples like yours.
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Old 11th November 2017, 12:40 PM   #49
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We're saying the same basic thing, OP:
A huge shake-up is needed to resolve this situation.

Here's an interesting post from another thread started by someone reading this forum as sort of a pre-marital study on what can go wrong. It's in a thread started by someone who cheated and lost everything but still a great synthesis of what it takes to get out of limerence:
One of the things my fiancee and I have noticed is the stark difference between posters who have sufferered severe consequences versus those who have not. ... Those who wake up in the morning to a empty bed, divorce proceedings, selling the house, splitting the children and dealing with lawyers, do not greive the AP. They have no time. There is no limerance or fog. It is unlikely you will grieve someone, that has destroyed you.

It is unfortunate that some must learn lessons the hard way....
Maybe others don't think you're at this point since she hasn't done anything physical (and THAT point will be her rationalization, by the way), but it is the vision of the future if she keeps going in this direction that will shake her out of it. This is the last thing the poster above said:
Tnose who are deep in the affair, fighting to get out, or dwelling on the AP during reconcilliation, should instead read and say to yourself , "There, but for the grace of God, go I"

Last edited by merrmeade; 11th November 2017 at 12:43 PM..
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Old 11th November 2017, 1:09 PM   #50
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How did the talk with her go? What are her consequences for plotting and planning to cheat on you?
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Old 12th November 2017, 5:13 PM   #51
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Hey buddy how are you doing any update on your situation.?
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Old 12th December 2017, 6:18 PM   #52
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How are things Rob?
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Old 13th December 2017, 12:40 AM   #53
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Hi Folks, when Thread starters go silent after an initial flurry of posts, I get the feeling they have given up the fight, have gone back to trying to 'nice' their SOs back and are willing to accept the complete emotional humiliation of playing second fiddle to their SOs current squeeze. So it is with OP. He has been given a ton of good advice but he has not responded to any of it in a long while. So, as Merrmeade has suggested in her post, the OP is set to learn his lesson the hard way and the only saving grace here is that his SO is not his wife but his GF and so the parting is not likely to affect him financially, in a major way. The parting is inevitable, if not by his choice then by his SO's choice very definitely. So as they say "You can take a horse to water but......" Warm wishes.
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