LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Like Tree398Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 26th June 2017, 9:38 PM   #31
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 1,278
Will you fight for your marriage? Will you fight with yourself for your marriage. I think many of us understand the term Jihid and the action of ISIS. I read one imam claim that a Jihid was about a war only within yourself.
This is what I mean by fight with yourself.

I read regret in your opening post, was shocked to also see remorse. The remorse is the only reason I posted. Will you fight to save your marriage?

This is a yes or no question. I look forward to your response.
Jersey born raised is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th June 2017, 9:51 PM   #32
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 102
i would say grow up and grow a pair as well, fight for child custody, you'll have to pay child support anyway and dont let her walk all over you, she is the one who cheated and she knows it as well, she is just doing emotional manipulation to make you look more guilty than her, she knows she is fully responsible for her cheating and affairs, its a stain one cannot easily wash away from one's character and will always come up in the future or when she seeks other relations.

you didnt abuse her, you are not a bad guy, and you dont deserve tht your wife cheated on you, simple as tht.

Last edited by hammyy2k; 26th June 2017 at 9:56 PM..
hammyy2k is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th June 2017, 6:56 PM   #33
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 66
I don't know if I should make a new thread or just post updates here, so I'll just post here.

We walked for a few hours the other night. All of her friends say marriage counseling doesn't work and she doesn't want to try. I'm fine with it because I know what my faults are and I know what needs to happen if we are to possibly fix our marriage.

I told her I thought it would be best to stay together for the kids' sake, and that I would forgive her in time if she could promise to work on our marriage together as a team.

She's still confused and she says she is too weak to make a decision (me or the other guy). I think deep down she really wants to leave, but she knows that if she does she will struggle financially and will have to work twice as hard as she does now. She knows she will never be able to afford to travel back home for vacations and she's worried the kids will hate coming over to mommy's place because it will be a tiny apartment with nothing fun to do like at daddy's. I tried to tell her not to think that way and let the kids make that decision on their own, and that if they love her it won't matter where she is or what she has.

I told her no matter what happens it will be hard and our lives will change.

I'm letting her decide whether to stay with me or leave which some of you may think is incredibly naive or stupid, but I don't have the fight in me to convince her to stay when she still hasn't broken it off with the OM and has feelings for him.
FloatingThroughLife is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th June 2017, 8:06 PM   #34
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 1,278
You need to start with IC for yourself and your issues. You are trying at some level to rugsweep both your's and her's adultery. Your wife is dealing with both an EA and a PA.
SoleMate likes this.
Jersey born raised is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th June 2017, 1:51 AM   #35
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 66
What does IC, EA, and PA mean?
FloatingThroughLife is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th June 2017, 9:12 AM   #36
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: In yonder flowered garden
Posts: 2,618
IC - Individual Counseling
EA - Emotional Affair
PA - Physical Affair


Kissing is enough to move it to a PA
2.50 a gallon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st July 2017, 5:26 PM   #37
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 66
I want to be intimate with her again but it hurts so much

My original post is here if you want back story: I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

The tl;dr is that I am a man-child and my wife got fed up and had an affair.

Over the last several weeks I have put things in overdrive. Video game playing is extremely rare, I am spending more constructive time with the kids (like teaching them how to do chores), and I am taking care of 90% of the housework while my wife recovers from a surgery.

So here is where we are now... She refuses to completely break it off with the OM, and she is still confused about what she wants (whether or not to divorce me). She has said some really nice things, like I am a good father and I don't deserve any of what she has put me through.

Deep down I really just want to forget the whole thing and convince her that she should be with me. The problem is, I know she doesn't respect me since she didn't do any of the things I asked (break it off with the OM, get an STD test, show me her phone/social accounts, etc.). Every time I think about kissing her, I can't get it out of my head that her lips were on the OM's mouth and she still can't tell me with 100% certainty she wants to stay with me, and it is killing me.

Last night I was kissing her goodnight, and I really wanted to give her a longing, lustful kiss, but when I leaned in, I couldn't do it. I gave her a quick peck and left the room. Next thing I know, she's crying. I asked why, and she said she thought I would kiss her in a more passionate way and it really hurt that I didn't. I told her that I wanted to, but every time I think about kissing her, touching her, being loving and caring toward her, I think about her and the OM and I can't get past it. I told her to put herself in my shoes and see how she felt. She seemed to understand, but who knows.

So now I really don't know what to do... Do I just buckle down and try to swoon her, no matter how much it hurts me? Make her try and fall in love with me again? Or do I just wait for her to come to me? I told her I wouldn't be going anywhere and I will support her in whatever way she needs, but this is so hard.
usa1ah likes this.
FloatingThroughLife is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st July 2017, 6:21 PM   #38
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 1,386
Your wasting your time. Her heart is already going in the other direction. Nothing you can do will compare to that wonderful new shiny feeling she is getting from him. If you really want a chance of saving your relationship you have to be willing to end it. The best way to deal with that is file for divorce. Expose her to her family and friends. If the OM is married expose him to his SO.

The only way her to see what she is doing is for her to stop seeing the other man on her own. It has to be her choice not yours. Your just responded to her choice now.

Understand while you think she has this serious love for you she doesn't. She has it in her head now she can replace you easily. So she isn't going to drop her options when she can have both. You have to be the one to pull yourself out of that line up and do 180. If she really wants to be with you she will see what she is losing and she will end it with him on her own. If she doesn't then you have to follow through with the divorce. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

Good luck.

C
Clay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st July 2017, 7:20 PM   #39
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 498
Mind movies take a long time and a lot of support from the wayward spouse to get rid of them. You're getting zero support from yours.

She's cake-eating and you're enabling her.

This will only get worse.

Last edited by GoldenR; 1st July 2017 at 7:40 PM..
GoldenR is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st July 2017, 8:22 PM   #40
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,593
She is not doing as you requested.

She does not respect you.

Stop playing the pick me dance.

File for D. when she sees that there are consequences, she will maybe stop and think.

Or maybe not. Start respecting yourself.

File as soon as you can. After the D, you can see if she changes. but she does not care that she is hurting you.

Go see your attorney now.

std test. DNA tests. NC with OM. or have her go live with the OM now.
harrybrown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st July 2017, 10:38 PM   #41
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 265
Some nerve, expecting a passionate kiss from you while actively in a relationship with another man. Tell her she needs to gargle with Listerine for an hour first.

Better yet, file for divorce and tell her last night's peck was the last kiss she'll ever get from you. This will help her to relearn respect for you really fast. The more you fight to win her back, the further she'll pull away. Count on it.
WilyWill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st July 2017, 10:55 PM   #42
Established Member
 
MidKnightDreams's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Big D
Posts: 3,401
Trust and respect are basics for a successful and fulfilling relationship. If you don't have those, the chances for success are slim.

Many of the things youre doing now are leading her to respect you even less.

I'm not sure groveling is going to help in any way.

At this point, your self-respect should take priority over catering to her.
MidKnightDreams is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st July 2017, 11:45 PM   #43
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: California
Posts: 167
Okay, I'm going to disagree with the others in that I think you need to continue to show the behaviors of a mature man if you want her to see you as a husband. Since that sounds like it was a big part in the decline of your marriage to begin with (I had read your other thread). If you do want to work on your relationship, this is a big part of it. You spent years/decades essentially being another child and an absentee partner from the sound of it in your last post. While she was wrong to start an affair, I'm sure you're right that it caused her to lose attraction to you.

That being said, I do not think she is in a position to expect any kind of intimacy from you if she has not yet cut the other man out of the picture. You be a man and a good father for you and your kids because it will benefit everyone. But know you are in part doing it for you, since you will need these skills no matter what stage of life you're in and what relationship you're in.

I would have a talk with her and let her know that while you will try to pick up your end of the bargain as long as you decide to stay married, you need her to meet you half way or at least respect some basic boundaries. She can't expect that you will be able to just forget about her stepping outside of the marriage and be met with intimacy while she is still ambivalent about letting him go. Or that you will even have the desire to try to stay married while she is actively entertaining an affair. You need to protect your health and emotional well-being. Focus on being a good parent to your children in the meantime while she recovers from surgery.
burnt likes this.
healing light is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd July 2017, 1:39 AM   #44
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 31
Dude

No more Mr. nice guy

Kill her with words politely she has to realize she is losing you.

Like you told her every time you see her
You think that om is touching her
Every time she look at you

You situation reminds me of korean tv show
'' my wife is having an affair this week"
In this show when wife and husband want reconciliation
The husband tries to hug her
When he went near her he saw the flashes of OM
And then he found out he will never be able to do that
Then they got divorced but became friends
Then the BH met a woman they maybe had some fling
WW gets jealous but she knows that she cant do anything
But in the end both husband and wife get together.

First of all

You are not responisble for her cheating
Ok do not blame yourself .

I dont think reconcillation is possible after infidelity
Maybe some people especially men pretend because of many reasons.

You will never be able to love her with that intensity
She brought the Om between you two marraiage is for two not for three.

I think people who reconcile they just choose to accept the pain .
mind movies
and other sh+t that cheaters brought upon them
ahmed8xm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd July 2017, 11:05 AM   #45
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Depends on the day
Posts: 701
Quote:
Originally Posted by FloatingThroughLife View Post
My original post is here if you want back story: I pushed her to her breaking point and she cheated on me

The tl;dr is that I am a man-child and my wife got fed up and had an affair.

Over the last several weeks I have put things in overdrive. Video game playing is extremely rare, I am spending more constructive time with the kids (like teaching them how to do chores), and I am taking care of 90% of the housework while my wife recovers from a surgery.

So here is where we are now... She refuses to completely break it off with the OM, and she is still confused about what she wants (whether or not to divorce me). She has said some really nice things, like I am a good father and I don't deserve any of what she has put me through.

Deep down I really just want to forget the whole thing and convince her that she should be with me. The problem is, I know she doesn't respect me since she didn't do any of the things I asked (break it off with the OM, get an STD test, show me her phone/social accounts, etc.). Every time I think about kissing her, I can't get it out of my head that her lips were on the OM's mouth and she still can't tell me with 100% certainty she wants to stay with me, and it is killing me.

Last night I was kissing her goodnight, and I really wanted to give her a longing, lustful kiss, but when I leaned in, I couldn't do it. I gave her a quick peck and left the room. Next thing I know, she's crying. I asked why, and she said she thought I would kiss her in a more passionate way and it really hurt that I didn't. I told her that I wanted to, but every time I think about kissing her, touching her, being loving and caring toward her, I think about her and the OM and I can't get past it. I told her to put herself in my shoes and see how she felt. She seemed to understand, but who knows.

So now I really don't know what to do... Do I just buckle down and try to swoon her, no matter how much it hurts me? Make her try and fall in love with me again? Or do I just wait for her to come to me? I told her I wouldn't be going anywhere and I will support her in whatever way she needs, but this is so hard.
No, do not try and win her. Not until she breaks ALL contact with the POSOM.

Do just the opposite. Tell her that if she will not stop seeing the OM then you will start moving on yourself to see who might be out there for you. You will never win going up against someone that is not sharing the day to day grunge work in a family. All the OM has to do is smile and be everything nice. You have to deal with every day life in a family dynamic. YOU WOULD NEVER WIN IN THIS SITUATION.

She has to commit to the marriage first before anything can be fixed. Earn her respect again by respecting yourself. Not kissing her was the best thing you could have done, good job on that part. Now pull away more and start respecting yourself. If you do not respect yourself then why should your cheating wife?

Do the 180. Only talk about the kids and household nothing else until she stops all contact with the other man.

Your WW lips have not just been on the OM's lips, they have been on other parts of his body as well.
usa1ah is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
OM at the breaking point AShyguy The Other Man / Woman 10 15th November 2015 7:27 AM
Breaking point. Heart of gold 93 Long-Distance Relationships 9 12th March 2015 8:59 AM
Almost to the breaking point....??? RogueAirborne Marriage & Life Partnerships 10 9th April 2011 10:03 PM
Breaking Point Ashbash11 Coping 12 25th January 2008 5:15 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:51 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.