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Investigation: The begining of the end?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 12th June 2017, 2:16 PM   #1
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Investigation: The begining of the end?

Question:

I have questions whether my wife is cheating on our marriage. In your opinion, is investigating if she is cheating on me the start of the end of the marriage? Does the fact that I have doubts about our relationship hold any hope of getting back to total trust? I feel that once the investigation starts, my marriage will never be the same, no matter if the investigation proves true or not. Am I way off base with my feelings? Anyway...I have enough doubt with her actions that I need to find out what is going on. Just a little perplexed on how my future reactions to her will be.
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Old 12th June 2017, 2:19 PM   #2
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Before you get into complex resolutions, did you already ask your wife how she feels about the marriage?
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Old 12th June 2017, 2:27 PM   #3
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No don't ask...

No don't ask anything yet...

Let me say this. Is she is cheating it will automatically and forever change your relationship, just a fact.

If it is a deal breaker for you then obviously you will get a divorce.

If she is in love with the OM and she is looking for a way out, you will probably get a divorce.

If it is a "Standard" affair for fun, so to speak or she is willing to do what it takes to fix it, it is possible.

You will never ever trust her again.

So if you want to talk about what you are seeing and feeling in your marriage the start typing.

I will say that when you fell it in your gut, there is usually a reason...
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Old 12th June 2017, 2:30 PM   #4
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No, not yet. I think she is seeing a doctor at the hospital that she works at. She has changed her routine dramatically over the past several months (i.e. death grip on her phone; working different shifts; going to more "staff" meetings; working more overtime (but the pay checks are still the same). She also has not been talking about her day with me, which is really out of the ordinary. She is a social worker at the hospital in question, and the doctor is some mutt that has been sniffing around her for months.

I come from a law enforcement background where doing criminal investigations was my main job description. So I have learned that once you have the upper hand, you never give it up. In this case, I think she is cheating, so I am not going to confront her till I get more information.
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Old 12th June 2017, 2:31 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncle Boogie View Post
Question:

I have questions whether my wife is cheating on our marriage. In your opinion, is investigating if she is cheating on me the start of the end of the marriage? Does the fact that I have doubts about our relationship hold any hope of getting back to total trust? I feel that once the investigation starts, my marriage will never be the same, no matter if the investigation proves true or not. Am I way off base with my feelings? Anyway...I have enough doubt with her actions that I need to find out what is going on. Just a little perplexed on how my future reactions to her will be.
It's time for a little relationship temperature-taking. You make a statement: "Xname, I am very happy in our relationship, however, I am sensing that something isn't working for you/us?" If there are somethings that you think we need to address, I am open to that discussion and willing to work on/compromise if necessary." Then you let her talk and observe carefully.

Do this before you "open and investigation". This will give her a heads up that you know/suspect that something is askew. Give her the opportunity to open up to you and go from there.
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Old 12th June 2017, 2:33 PM   #6
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If your gut is telling you something is wrong, investigate.


If you find something, get a divorce. If you find nothing but still feel distrustful, get some MC to see if you can bring the trust back.
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Old 12th June 2017, 2:57 PM   #7
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She is having an affair, no doubt about it. She is screwing him for how ever long the behavior has been going on.

Are you going to hire a PI or do it yourself?

But there is no question what is going on.

What are you going to do?

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Old 12th June 2017, 7:01 PM   #8
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If your gut is telling you she is having an affair, dont waste your money on an investigation. 99% of the time, your gut is right.
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Old 12th June 2017, 7:03 PM   #9
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I spent 10 years in federal law enforcement, which had me travelling from home approximately 6-8 months out of each year. The last several years, she became very discontent with my absence, and I agreed with her. So I left that position and started a security company with several other investigators who showed great aptitude in this field. After several years, the company became successful and my time away from home lessened. I felt that we were gaining back the relationship that we once had before travel and time interfered. Maybe I didn't act fast enough or she just lost interest...I don't know.

With my security company, I have many devices at my disposal to ascertain if she is in an affair and how deep. I can place pin camera's throughout the house and her car which downloads to a repeater/recorder placed within the attic which I can view in past or real time via my smart phone, but this is my wife...the person who I could trust the most. I just feel that going down this road would start the ball rolling and could not be stopped.

You may ask why I just don't ask her. Well...I don't know what she might do. She could just be honest or with the same veracity tell me a lie. This is why I want to keep the upper hand while gathering information...I just feel like a A$$ doing this. I am going to have some reliable cohorts to do a soft surveillance on her while she is out with her drinking girlfriends.

Just to give an example of how confusing she can be...We met and dated exclusively in college for 2 years. During the time between my junior and senior years, I was selected to play rugby internationally for 6 months. We kept in constant contact during this time and when I arrived back home I immediately went to her house where she introduced me to her new boyfriend (WTF).
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Old 12th June 2017, 7:12 PM   #10
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Law enforcement background makes your more suspicious then most. The woman doesn't deserve to be under surveillance. Even if she's cheating, she's not a criminal. Do something less invasive then cameras in your home. Tail her for one day. But then you either have to talk to her or go hog wild. Problem is, like you recognize, what happens when you don't find anything? When you do find something, that is actually easier. You just end things.
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Old 12th June 2017, 7:16 PM   #11
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Listen brother...

There is nothing confusing about what is going on here.

Based on your background you really should have picked up on this sooner. But the thing is that we don't want to see what is going on right under our noses.

You need to check her cell phone bill, and hack her phone so you can understand what is going on there. Do the cameras and a VAR hidden in her car, they are always more open in the car on the way home.

But it not a question of whether or not he is having a sexual affair with this guy. The question is how long? Does she want out of the marriage? Do you want out. Have there been any other affairs with any other guys?

That is all you need to find out...
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Old 12th June 2017, 7:25 PM   #12
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Donni are you kidding me...

Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Law enforcement background makes your more suspicious then most. The woman doesn't deserve to be under surveillance. Even if she's cheating, she's not a criminal. Do something less invasive then cameras in your home. Tail her for one day. But then you either have to talk to her or go hog wild. Problem is, like you recognize, what happens when you don't find anything? When you do find something, that is actually easier. You just end things.
Donni are you kidding me... Really?

Of course she deserves to be under surveillance, and he will find out everything. There are no rules when rooting out infidelity. You cannot get physically violent.

Other than that, its game on.

I really don't understand how you can feel that way, but to each his own...
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Old 12th June 2017, 8:35 PM   #13
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You should definitely investigate. Total trust? That's an ideal. Not your current situation. But I'm not sure how far you need to go in invasion of her privacy, in order to find your answer. I think snooping or tailing will probably give you the answer without the surveillance technology, although I understand why you'd reach for the big guns. You could never get your hands on her mobile phone? How about just verifying what hours she worked at the hospital? I think hidden cameras are a bit too much.
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Old 12th June 2017, 8:36 PM   #14
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Why not just ask her if she's having an affair? It is surprising how people can struggle to answer a direct question if the answer is true. Few people want to lie outright; they would rather be evasive. I would not go into detail about why you suspect, just say you have a feeling.

If she denies it and you still have cause to suspect, then do what you need to to find out. Think about what your end game would be if she was having an affair. Would you be willing to take her back if she gave him up? Would you want a divorce?

I can tell you that not everyone who has an affair does not love their partner or wants to end their marriage. I have had several guys who have tried to start an affair with me. In each case, they adored their wives and would have bent over backwards to avoid her finding out. They knew what they had was special and didn't want to lose it. I have no doubt that if they got found out, they would choose their wives. This is why there is no point getting involved with someone married. They already have a terrific connection with their partner, the other is just for fun.
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Last edited by spiderowl; 12th June 2017 at 8:40 PM..
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Old 12th June 2017, 9:06 PM   #15
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The problem with confronting before you have proof is that they lie to you to cover their ass, quickly delete all evidence, and cover their tracks going forward. So you never get the truth. I know, I was the one doing that once :/

The things you listed are tell tale signs of cheating. If you are in the lucky tiny percentage where you were just being paranoid, you should redouble your efforts to love and trust her. But I would investigate. The sudden death grip on phone, alone, is pretty hard to explain away any other way...

Sorry dude
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