Another stupid MM - my story

[jenkins95]

Hi everyone

 

Yes, I am another idiot MM who has got himself into a real mess.

 

I must say first of all say how great LS is. It’s amazing how similar people’s stories can be, and there is a lot of support and advice out there. The only problem with LS – we only seek it when we are already in desperate trouble! I wish there was a law that forced couples to spend a day browsing on here before they marry! I wonder how many As and/or bad marriages would be prevented. Certainly, I wish I had visited here years ago.

 

Anyway, I would appreciate anyone reading my story and posting comments. I expect to get flamed and I deserve it, but any compassion and advice would also be very welcome. I still have power to limit damage, so constructive suggestions would be most welcome.

 

I am a MM with children, and the big issue for me (the precursor for my eventual A) is that soon after marrying, some obvious incompatibilities became apparent between me and my W regarding very key decisions such as where we live, etc. We got together very young and spent many years as BF/GF, not properly living together until we married (big mistake I now see).

 

When we got married, I felt that I was doing all the compromising, and was completely powerless to make big decisions (W has pretty much acknowledge this). I felt trapped and sank into a depression. I didn’t want to give up just after marrying after so many happy years as BF/GF, and we were already around 30, plus kids arrived quickly. So I took the approach that things will get better, I just have to suffer it for now, and it would eventually be OK. As my W was inflexible, there seemed no point discussing things – either I accepted it, or we would have to acknowledge that we were incompatible. So I swallowed my issues and became depressed…..for years. Ironically, it is when I eventually started to feel better that I got into the A.

 

I'm not sure why my depression lifted, but suddenly, I was happier and light enough to do things in my spare time. Previously I had no interest in anything other than sitting around watching TV and hiding my depression (so unhealthy I know). I enrolled in night classes, started losing weight (which had ballooned during my depression), meeting new people and being friendly and chatty for the first time in years. I started chatting to my tutor from the gym. She had a long-term BF, and like me her relationship was OK, but not perfect. We chatted to each other and even became a bit flirty. The fact that we each had partners made it seem OK, that nothing could come with it. Well, you can guess what happened next.

 

I have already written a lot, so I will keep the next bit short because it is a textbook case! We started chatting, flirting and connecting more and more, it eventually became physical, and before we knew it we couldn’t get enough of each other. So many of the classic clichés that we see on these forums are true of my A…..started as friends, became soul-mates, she felt like 'the one', didn’t mean it to happen, tried to stop, so in love, etc, etc. I know it’s pathetic.

 

We started to get into that A fog, more and more needy, more lies, more sneaking around, taking less care to cover our tracks. Then a couple of months ago, D-Day. Her BF discovered us and walked away immediately. Things had already become very difficult, but now it was a nightmare and the dynamic changed between us. She became more and more needy and had more spare time. She was now the classic single OW. We stumbled on for a while not really knowing what to do. I was uncomfortable at having a single OW, but needed her too much to let her go, and she needed me more than ever.

 

With all the stress, I barely knew left from right and I too was discovered by my W. She was actually very good about it, acknowledged her part in isolating me and wanted us to try again, especially as we have children. The OW has made it very clear that she wants to be with me, and I am completely lost. All my original depression issues from years ago have come back worse than ever, plus a whole load more concerned with my OW situation. I feel on the verge of a breakdown, and I’ve only got myself to blame.

 

I do love the OW and think of her constantly, but I feel I have to free her from this horrible situation, and can’t keep her hanging on. I also care so much for my family and am so ashamed that I have compromised their position so appallingly with my selfish actions. I won’t just leave them to go straight to the OW – I think it would be disastrous for everyone in the long term. Yes, I realise that it is sickening to appear to be moral now when I didn't think of anyone but myself when all this started.

 

I think the only reasonable thing to do is to end things as they are now with the OW and finally start facing my issues at home rather than running away and swallowing them into my depression all the time. I want to be honest with my wife, discuss why I ended up in an A, try connecting with her. I cannot allow myself to sink into years more depression; almost all my 30s were spent depressed – it just became the norm and I accepted it. But life is too short for that. If I find that I can’t be happy in my marriage, I will try to end it with some dignity and not with an OW waiting in the wings.

 

I would be very grateful for any comments, and good luck to everyone with you own issues.

[cozycottagelg]

If your wife and you aren't compatible, why are you going to stay with her?

[cozycottagelg]

And if your OW is your "soul mate"..why not try to make that work?

 

It sounds like your wife probably wasn't that bad and your OW wasn't that good and you don't know what to do.

[jenkins95]

Thanks for some replies already cozycottagelg, much appreciated!

 

I ran away from my issues with my wife at first, for years. I just couldn't bear the idea that we could be incompatible. But that attitude is stupid. This whole experience has shown me that I cannot run away from problems, they only get worse or come back and bite you. It will be very hard but I need to be honest and find out once and for all if we truly are incompatible or not.

 

Yes, I do feel that the OW is my 'soul-mate', but I've read enough to know that the whole idea of soul-mates is a bit of a myth brought on by the limerence that we feel in the affair fog, and that it would be very silly to do something rash while my head is all over the place.

 

Much appreciate the post.

Edited August 5, 2015 by jenkins95

[Spark1111]

former BS here and my H could have written this I believe.

 

For YEARS, I begged him to get counseling for his underlying depression, bouts of anger, and often passive-aggressive nature with me, but he would never.

 

His behavior drove ME away, and like your wife, I, too probably isolated him further in my attempts to keep a healthy, happy home front for our children.

 

You display all the characteristics of many who find themselves in affairs; you avoid conflict at all costs. Why? You do not successfully communicate your needs to your spouse. Why?

 

Affairs are fun and are not based in reality. Now your OW wants more from you and you cannot entertain that thought either.

 

First, you need to work on you in IC. The fact that your wife, after years of your depression, is even giving you this gift, is an amazing testimony to her feelings for you. Don't blow it now, or later when her anger and depression over your betrayal begins to surface.

 

You must end all contact with your OW IF you want your marriage to survive, otherwise your wife's next phone call will be to a D attorney.

 

If you could rekindle those romantic fun feelings you once had for your wife, (and they don't just happen, Bud) would you still want your OW?

 

If you commit to your OW and in time,the relationship settles into familiarity and comfort ( as all relationships do) would you miss your wife?

[qubist]

Jenkins95: you have probably read some stories about MM A here in this website and maybe somewhere else. and just like what you said they are all similar. If you are just like the other 99.99% of MMs, what you were feeling toward the OW is not love is nothing but a need of another sexual R away from the hustle of your Married life in addition to your depression which you related to your married life. A was like a drug to you it make you feel good but won't last. BTW your depression has noting to do with your environment it just piggyback on it, it is a problem in that you have to address.

You need to stop the drug that is A once for all,it's best thing for you, your W and the OW. then seek R with your W apparently she is willing to work with you which is not always the case, you are lucky there, reach out to her immediately and ( if you haven't done it yet) make sure to take full responsibility no excuses and show her remorse. then seek MC or IC. work on yourself as being happy depends only on you being depressed is on you too

[Spark1111]

Thanks for some replies already cozycottagelg, much appreciated!

 

I ran away from my issues with my wife at first, for years. I just couldn't bear the idea that we could be incompatible. But that attitude is stupid. This whole experience has shown me that I cannot run away from problems, they only get worse or come back and bite you. It will be very hard but I need to be honest and find out once and for all if we truly are incompatible or not.

 

Yes, I do feel that the OW is my 'soul-mate', but I've read enough to know that the whole idea of soul-mates is a bit of a myth brought on by the limerence that we feel in the affair fog, and that it would be very silly to do something rash while my head is all over the place.

 

Much appreciate the post.

 

There was a study done on gloriously partnered long term couples and the determined compatibility is seriously over rated.

 

Most important is acceptance and respect!.

 

i feel like you are "hiding" behind the term "incompatible"

 

How so?

[Sandy43]

What exactly do you mean by incompatible?

[qubist]

There was a study done on gloriously partnered long term couples and the determined compatibility is seriously over rated.

 

Most important is acceptance and respect!.

 

i feel like you are "hiding" behind the term "incompatible"

 

How so?

you are absolutely right Spark1111, compatibility between 2 human being is rare. marriage is never built on it. the most important aspect of any relationship is the ability to compromise any incompatibility which I think the OP never had

[TrustedthenBusted]

Refreshing to see a WS show such accountability from go. It makes providing feedback easier, and "worth it"

 

SOunds like you already know what the right thing to do is, and plan to do it. The only thing that really stuck out for me was when you said:

 

We got together ..... and spent many years as BF/GF, not properly living together until we married (big mistake I now see).

 

Now, simply apply this prior experience to your new soul-mate. You've spent no real time living with her either. Only doing the happy dance in secret, which I can imagine has been a whole lotta fun! But you don't know her. You really don't. Her boyfriend thought he did, and he cut bait.

 

Her grass is as yellow as yours, her decision making just as flawed, her character just as broken as yours, and this is the only reason you even know her.

 

She had a grasp on two branches, and when one of them broke, she tried to cling to the remaining branch ( you ) with both arms. And now you feel bad because you need to let her fall. Makes sense. I can empathize.

 

Now go hug your kids, apologize whenever the mood strike you, understand that your wife's pain is very real, and that you will need to be very understanding for a very long time.

[pondhawk]

Can I just ask an honest question? Why is it so hard for many married people to end a relationship before taking their pants off and starting another one?

 

Do they feel it's their right to eat cake? At the expense of many lives (wife, AP's boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, children)?

 

I think it boils down to the character of the individual.

 

You are very fortunate that:

1. Your wife admitted that she needs to improve.

2. Your wife wants to put forth the effort to work on the relationship.

 

I suspect that if you ditched your family and tried to develop a life with your "soul mate", eventually the doldrums of paying bills, childcare, etc, would make that relationship a little less sparkly and you would be looking outside again.

 

Please get IC and get to the root of the problem with yourself. Try MC, hopefully you and your wife can work on those issues too and your children can grow with an intact family.

 

If the problems cannot be resolved, divorce respectfully. Then after you are healed and healthy, move on to another relationship.

 

Best wishes for you and your family.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I think perhaps, as others seem to, that your use of the term 'incompatibilities' might actually refer to the period immediately after marriage where both are adjusting to their new status and finding their way within it.

 

As you have stated, before you married, it was all hunky dory, so I ask you, what was it that made you pop the question? For most it has much to do with not ever wanting to live without that person. Wanting them by your side for life.

[pondhawk]

Her grass is as yellow as yours, her decision making just as flawed, her character just as broken as yours, and this is the only reason you even know her.

 

Amen. Just Amen.

[beach]

How old are your kids?

 

 

IF you intend to work with your wife on the marriage - are you prepared to end things completely with your OW?

[whichwayisup]

If your wife is willing to forgive you and work with you to make the marriage better, then for the sake of your kids and the love that you still have for your wife it's worth a shot at putting in 100% effort to at least see if you two can fix things and have a better marriage. Maybe this has opened your wife's eye and she'll learn how to compromise and treat you like an equal.

 

Cheating was a mistake and now it's made things worse, two women are hurting and there is a chance your kids may lose out on having you and your wife not together under one roof.

 

Ask the (ex) OW to please respect your wishes and leave you alone so you can reconnect with your wife.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Can I just ask an honest question? Why is it so hard for many married people to end a relationship before taking their pants off and starting another one?

 

 

Simple, terrifying answer? Because in most situations, it's not like cheater wants either the spouse, OR the OP..... they just want both.

 

 

It's really that simple. Why didn't my wife end our marriage? Because from her perspective, it was a damn good one, that's why. And it was.

[Mr. Lucky]

Simple, terrifying answer? Because in most situations, it's not like cheater wants either the spouse, OR the OP..... they just want both

 

And yet both women get hurt, the wife by being cheated on, the AP by squandering her time in a dead-end relationship

 

OP, if you care about these people as you say you do then you'll stop harming them. Easy as that...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Noideanow]

divorce, but stay in the same house, with kids, and exwife? (maybe as a start) would such uncommon scenario work? maybe your new love can move in? i know i sound crazy/unrealistic but whats left but untraditional ideas when everything else have failed? i say this because that way the children and parents will not miss out on eachother, but it takes everybody to want it that way to work:confused: could it work? Maybe better yet buy the neighbour house:laugh:? and the children could walk between,

I say this because you seem to want to stay with your wife because of not wanting to hurt your children and her,?

[truncated]

First thing I would do if I were you is to see a doctor who is qualified to diagnose and treat depression. Find out for sure if that is what is really going on, and if it it is, then appropriate therapy/ medication may really help.

 

Secondly, stop seeing the ow as a victim of your choices. She made the decisions that got her into the spot she is in all on her own, just as you did.

 

Third, stop lying to your wife. You say you have been honest with her, but it sounds like there is a lot you have left out.

 

Fourth, once you have been completely open and honest with your wife about how you feel and that, baring the kids, you would leave her for the ow ( if that is the case) give her the time she needs to make up her mind about what she wants to do. Also, if you are still seeing the ow, she deserves to know that as well, as it will allow her to have the information she needs to make decisions about her life and what is best for her.

 

Be warned that what she decides to do may not be what you want, and you may well find that the green grass with the ow may suddenly seem dead and yellow if your wife decides she wants out.

[gettingstronger]

As a BS I can say, if my husband was still on the fence, I would want to know- I think its pretty telling that even after dday you still have doubts- seems to me that for most WS, dday is the turning point-

 

You need to be honest with your wife about where you are now and see if she wants to continue to work on your marriage-

 

I think the "staying for the kids" is just a cop out- although not ideal, people divorce all the time with kids-kids need happy, stable parents-

You spent mental and physical time away from your kids to carry out you A- so can you really say they are your top priority or that you were doing right by them then-

 

Not calling you a bad parent or questioning your love for them- just saying, really, really look at that statement and decide what is truly best for your kids-

[autumnnight]

First thing I would do if I were you is to see a doctor who is qualified to diagnose and treat depression. Find out for sure if that is what is really going on, and if it it is, then appropriate therapy/ medication may really help.

 

Secondly, stop seeing the ow as a victim of your choices. She made the decisions that got her into the spot she is in all on her own, just as you did.

 

Third, stop lying to your wife. You say you have been honest with her, but it sounds like there is a lot you have left out.

 

Fourth, once you have been completely open and honest with your wife about how you feel and that, baring the kids, you would leave her for the ow ( if that is the case) give her the time she needs to make up her mind about what she wants to do. Also, if you are still seeing the ow, she deserves to know that as well, as it will allow her to have the information she needs to make decisions about her life and what is best for her.

 

Be warned that what she decides to do may not be what you want, and you may well find that the green grass with the ow may suddenly seem dead and yellow if your wife decides she wants out.

 

This is an excellent post, and very practical. All of the above are really important.

 

Incompatibility is an issue, eventually, with pretty much every couple...because no one can have EVERYTHING in common. You have children, and your wife is open to staying married. I think you owe it to your family to give it 150%.

[jenkins95]

Hi everyone!

 

OP here! I just wanted to thank everyone who has read and is contributing to my thread. You can't know how much it means to me (well, perhaps those of you who have been or who are in a similar situation will know!). I have been moved almost to tears at the effort people have put in to help me. The thoughtfulness and quality of the posts is overwhelming.

 

I feel that I am not getting flamed (as would be understandable!), but rather being told some honest home truths, and being given some excellent advice, which is exactly what I need.

 

I don't have much time to post right now, but I am reading every post many times and will have some specific responses to a lot of individual posts.

 

LS members, you are great. I feel a ray of positivity today for the first time in a very long time. Thank you

 

Please keep the ideas, comments and suggestions coming - you are genuinely helping a lost WS see sense, and at the same time helping my depression. It's priceless!

Edited August 6, 2015 by jenkins95

[usernametaken]

Do you think you can fall in love with your wife again? If you manage to get your relationship with her to a point equal to the best spot it's been in before - will that be enough to make you want to stay in that marriage forever?

 

If the answer to that is a "yes" - then stay, give it a year of very hard work (including IC and MC, if you're into that sort of thing), and reevaluate at that time. If it's still not better, cut your losses then.

 

This only works if you go NC with the OW, though.

 

Good luck. I've been there.

[beach]

If you knew you were incompatible early on after marrying why didn't you divorce her? Why did you go on to have several kids knowing the M wasn't great?

 

And why hurt the OW by adding her into your marriage?

 

I'd say divorce your wife knowing the marriage has never been good. Parent your kids on your own - be a good Dad.

 

And stop hurting the OW. Learn to be happy on your own.

 

In the future don't stay in any relationship where they harm you or you harm them.

 

 

These two women have too much harm around them... Start fresh and see what a healthy choice looks like moving forward.

[SummerDreams]

After having read only first post, I have to comment on you being such a kind, generous and good person, I can easily see it through your writing. What I want to suggest is that you start caring about yourself for a change (I know, sometimes it is harder than it sounds). I know you see yourself as this selfish villain who has destroyed his family but I would cut you some slack. I realize depression is something that makes you feel terrible and if you dont have any understanding from your closest person, your wife, it is even harder. Even your wife aknowledged that she was not there for you when you needed her and that says a lot. I would suggest you take some distance from everything, OW and family if possible, perhaps take some days off work and take a solo vacatiin to think. I really believe that you need it. You have the mentality of a giver but you really have to decide to start therapy in order to start caring for yourself now. Dont let any more time being wasted. We are here for you, pm me if you want.