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Husband has no interest in sex


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Old 10th November 2017, 5:34 PM   #1
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Husband has no interest in sex

The facts: Been married 9 years. We are both 34. Have a teenage child, and a toddler. He works, I do not. He's had a check up, testosterone is fine, but he does have diabetes, he's on medication. These issues started before the diagnosis and have been pretty much the same since. I have tried talking with him many, many times. He refuses to participate and ignores me and gets upset. His only answer to anything is, "I don't know or what do you want me to say?"

The situation: I feel we do not have sex often enough, there have been times 2-3 months have gone by. I'd say once a week is the most. Not only is it very infrequent, it's very boring. There's no enthusiasm on his part, no flirting or trying new or different things. If I say or do something playful, I get no response or something very lame, for lack of a better word. I have told him how much it bothers me and I have offered a lot of ideas on how to improve things.

My efforts: I have tried to share fantasies, ask about desires, dislikes, and just general sex talk. I bought and wore sexy lingerie. I've sent sexy texts and pics to him, of myself and also other women I think he would like (online/ famous, not anyone we actually know). I asked him to watch porn with me*, I am very fun and open, I offer to give him oral sex, I like all sorts of positions, I like to watch him masterbate, I give him massages, love notes... And plenty more.

His efforts: After we are in bed, he will ask "you tired?" Through out the day, no flirting. No, "I've been thinking about you, about what I want to do to you/ with you". He's never asked me to wear the lingerie, or to do anything in particular. In response to my texts, he just replies something like " Oh nice". When I asked him to watch porn with me, he said he's not into it, but would try if I really wanted to. We did, I enjoyed it, he didn't seem to, said he would rather not.*

*Related/ More recent issue: In regards to him saying he did not like to watch porn and that he's always told me he had little desire, low sex drive... I've never doubted this, just accepted it and tried to help improve it. However, about a year ago a very weird situation occurred. I asked to use his phone, mine was charging or got left in the car or something.

So I went over and got his, he asked why I wanted it, what was I doing, then sat next to me while I was on it, and seemed really irritated, and after just a few mins he said he needed to check something and pretty much just took it from me. That was weird behavior, and got me curious. So a while later, I checked the phone out, really with no idea what I was gonna find. Well In his history, going back for at least a year, porn searches at least 2-3 times a week. Tons of videos and websites.

Honestly, I wasn't really upset. I have no problem with watching porn. I do it on occasion. But, but... I still want to have sex with my husband. It's not right he's looking at porn, but not having sex with me. I'm confused, if he has low desire, why look at porn so much? Why refuse/ lie about it when I ask?

Yes, he knows I know. We've talked about it, well I tried. He will not admit it, to this day, denies it. What makes an even bigger issue. I'm not stupid. I know how phone and web history work. I can see the actual search terms he typed in, these are not pop ups that he just kept closing. It hurts me that he's in such denial and has no trust in me.

I'm seeking advice here, because he will not talk about it. I want to work on the problem and make things better.

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Old 10th November 2017, 5:41 PM   #2
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His looking at porn does not necessarily have anything to do with his sex drive. Maybe he is only attracted to the women he sees in porn?

Is it possible that he does not find YOU attractive any longer? Is it possible that he lacks the intimate confidence and he is trying to hide or avoid dealing with that by not having sex?
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Old 10th November 2017, 6:12 PM   #3
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I have asked if it is me. I've told him if that's the case, then to please tell me. He says it is not. I've been the same look pretty much since we've been together. He doesn't like my hair any different, it's very long, so I do not cut it. I dress nice, do my make up, keep the house clean, make dinner... All the good wife things. I don't know about his confidence, I didn't think that was the case, just because when we do have sex, he doesn't seem to have a problem. I mean, he is able to make me orgasm and he is as well. I always compliment him and make sure he knows I'm satisfied. I would very much appreciate the same. How can looking at porn not have anything to do with sex drive? For example, me personally, I look because I'm in the mood, or I look to get in the mood, if I see that I want to have sex. I don't look at it... For no reason? If you can explain more, I would appreciate your opinion.
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Old 11th November 2017, 8:20 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Silvia García View Post
I have asked if it is me. I've told him if that's the case, then to please tell me. He says it is not. I've been the same look pretty much since we've been together. He doesn't like my hair any different, it's very long, so I do not cut it. I dress nice, do my make up, keep the house clean, make dinner... All the good wife things. I don't know about his confidence, I didn't think that was the case, just because when we do have sex, he doesn't seem to have a problem. I mean, he is able to make me orgasm and he is as well. I always compliment him and make sure he knows I'm satisfied. I would very much appreciate the same. How can looking at porn not have anything to do with sex drive? For example, me personally, I look because I'm in the mood, or I look to get in the mood, if I see that I want to have sex. I don't look at it... For no reason? If you can explain more, I would appreciate your opinion.
Provided that he is telling you the truth, if he is capable of satisfying you when it happens, well, is he capable EVERY time you two have sex? No problems holding an erection? If not, then the lack of sex may very well be that he is just not that interested in having sex with you.

He could be going to porn to satisfy himself b/c he is not interested in doing it with you. His drive may be fine, but his interest in you is not.
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Old 11th November 2017, 9:02 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by Silvia García View Post
I have asked if it is me. I've told him if that's the case, then to please tell me. He says it is not. I've been the same look pretty much since we've been together. He doesn't like my hair any different, it's very long, so I do not cut it. I dress nice, do my make up, keep the house clean, make dinner... All the good wife things. I don't know about his confidence, I didn't think that was the case, just because when we do have sex, he doesn't seem to have a problem. I mean, he is able to make me orgasm and he is as well. I always compliment him and make sure he knows I'm satisfied. I would very much appreciate the same. How can looking at porn not have anything to do with sex drive? For example, me personally, I look because I'm in the mood, or I look to get in the mood, if I see that I want to have sex. I don't look at it... For no reason? If you can explain more, I would appreciate your opinion.
I'm not a psychologist, and don't understand the mental mechanics behind it, but it is very common for men who are addicted to porn to have no actual sex drive with their partners.
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Old 11th November 2017, 9:12 AM   #6
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I second CautiouslyOptimistic. What are his fitness levels like? When I was unfit, I felt very unattractive and hence my sex drive went down a bit. Conversely, I started working out recently and my drive is back. How bad is his diabetes? Severe diabetes can cause major libido issues.
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Old 11th November 2017, 10:18 AM   #7
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My only comment to you will be, it could be one of thee things.
- his medical condition is affecting his ability to perform sexually and he is embarrassed about it and hiding it and self conscious about it.
- he has very low interest in actual sex and sex drive but is addicted to online pornography. online porn is all mental .... there is no physical aspect to it and it much cleaner
- he does not find you attractive sexually and you do not turn him on.

FWIW, my own married sex life is **** as well. I have a wife that has zero interest in sex or sexual activity. And when it does happen its always let get it over with as soon as possible as i want to sleep. It's a very bad place to be if you are the opposite of that in the relationship. It sort of keeps eating at you from the inside and you are perpetually in a state of limbo between: does she/he not love me anymore? does she/he not want me physically anymore? is she/he having sex with someone else?

It's a very bad place to be in mentally. It causes depression, mood swings, alcoholism and all sorts of things.

FWIW, I have given up trying. I go running and to the gym and try to keep myself busy at work and extra curricular activities to keep myself sane. There is nothing more I can do other than wait for it sort itself out on its own.
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Old 11th November 2017, 10:28 AM   #8
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It sounds like your husband has no interest in sex with you. He is still interested in sex.
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Old 11th November 2017, 1:15 PM   #9
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Provided that he is telling you the truth, if he is capable of satisfying you when it happens, well, is he capable EVERY time you two have sex? No problems holding an erection? If not, then the lack of sex may very well be that he is just not that interested in having sex with you.

He could be going to porn to satisfy himself b/c he is not interested in doing it with you. His drive may be fine, but his interest in you is not.
Well if he won't tell me the truth, that's not on me. I think physically I'm fine. Neither of us have changed much. He's not perfect either. Yes, when we do have sex, Everytime, it is good. He seems to enjoy it, I always feel good, he easily gets an erection and he lasts a good amount of time.
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Old 11th November 2017, 1:18 PM   #10
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I second CautiouslyOptimistic. What are his fitness levels like? When I was unfit, I felt very unattractive and hence my sex drive went down a bit. Conversely, I started working out recently and my drive is back. How bad is his diabetes? Severe diabetes can cause major libido issues.
He's normal height and weight. I don't think his condition is considered severe. He does not need to check blood levels at home. Only goes to a check up every 3 months, it's always fine. He takes daily pills. We both do moderate exercise. We are similar in physical health.
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Old 11th November 2017, 1:24 PM   #11
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My only comment to you will be, it could be one of thee things.
- his medical condition is affecting his ability to perform sexually and he is embarrassed about it and hiding it and self conscious about it.
- he has very low interest in actual sex and sex drive but is addicted to online pornography. online porn is all mental .... there is no physical aspect to it and it much cleaner
- he does not find you attractive sexually and you do not turn him on.

FWIW, my own married sex life is **** as well. I have a wife that has zero interest in sex or sexual activity. And when it does happen its always let get it over with as soon as possible as i want to sleep. It's a very bad place to be if you are the opposite of that in the relationship. It sort of keeps eating at you from the inside and you are perpetually in a state of limbo between: does she/he not love me anymore? does she/he not want me physically anymore? is she/he having sex with someone else?

It's a very bad place to be in mentally. It causes depression, mood swings, alcoholism and all sorts of things.

FWIW, I have given up trying. I go running and to the gym and try to keep myself busy at work and extra curricular activities to keep myself sane. There is nothing more I can do other than wait for it sort itself out on its own.
Yes, I'm constantly thinking and feeling as you discribed. It's very difficult. I'm giving him chance after chance to talk and tell the truth. I do try to focus on myself and concentrate on other things, but this is my whole life we're talking about. I'm not ready to give up. I don't want to live with someone who doesn't want me sexually, for whatever reason. I don't think he would want to live like that either. Like I've mentioned, the times we are together, it's really good. He easily gets an erection, he makes me orgasm, so does he. Which is why I'm not convinced he has any real physical problem, or with me.
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Old 11th November 2017, 1:28 PM   #12
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It sounds like your husband has no interest in sex with you. He is still interested in sex.
Very possible. If you felt that way, would you tell the truth? Knowing your partner has an issue with it and it keeps causing problems/ arguments? Would you decide to stay your whole life with someone you do not find attractive and do not want to have sex with? I wouldn't.
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Old 11th November 2017, 1:33 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
I'm not a psychologist, and don't understand the mental mechanics behind it, but it is very common for men who are addicted to porn to have no actual sex drive with their partners.
Thanks, I really don't understand all that either. I'll keep that in mind. I wasn't thinking he was addicted to it. I just found it odd. I'd say sometimes it's 2-3 times week at most. Usually 1-2 times a month. As I said, I also enjoy it, to get in the mood. That's the difference. If I look at it, I want to have sex with him. But I guess it doesn't work that way for him.
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Old 11th November 2017, 1:36 PM   #14
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Since he's it giving sex to you - and he's lying about his interest in porn - why are YOU continuing to reward his behavior by pampering him with back rubs etc?


He's not making effort for you - demand professional help to get some form of honesty from him. He's just not honest so you have nothing to work with.
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Old 11th November 2017, 1:50 PM   #15
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But if you have sex once a week that doesn't qualify as no interest.
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