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She travels for work constantly


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Old 30th October 2017, 7:26 PM   #16
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Seeing as how I don't think you can get over your insecurities, I think the relationship is only going to go downhill from here. You're always going to be insecure about her travels, and she will probably start to resent you for your insecurity (her annoyance when you first mentioned it probably means the resentment has already started).

My ex was very insecure. He hated it when I went out drinking with my coworkers even though there was zero flirting involved among any of us. It was really annoying dealing with his constant texts when I was out.

My current boyfriend doesn't seem to have that jealousy problem. He's fine with me going out drinking with my coworkers. And I'd be perfectly fine if he went out drinking with any of his as well.

You can't control other people. If they're going to cheat, they're going to cheat. And if they do, then you don't want to be with them anyway.
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Old 30th October 2017, 7:35 PM   #17
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Okay, I'll be the counter balance here....I have traveled for my work for 30 years. Not one time have i been approached or approached someone. This is the DNA of who I am. That said, during a conversation a while back the discussion got to "getting hit on". I stated that I have never been hit on and my good "female" friend stated that I have married written on my forehead. I suppose that I do and candidly am greatful for that as I have never had to rebut an advance. I assure you that I'm no toad (humor??) but one should be able to stand on one's own integrity. I get that you're uneasy but this is likely a self confidence issue or more likely a lack of activity in your time where you have too much idle time. Do you think this could be the case?

I assure you that business travel, no matter how nice the hotel is, it is not your own bed and not as comfortable as your own home. Trust me on that.....
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Old 30th October 2017, 7:44 PM   #18
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If you're going to stay in this you'd better cut out any needless texting or communication. It makes you look needy, clingy and weak. Extremely unnattractive.

This is your life too. There's nothing wrong if it's driving a big wedge in your relationship to move on and find someone who's is more geared to your lifestyle.

Good luck
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Old 30th October 2017, 7:45 PM   #19
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Seeing as how I don't think you can get over your insecurities, I think the relationship is only going to go downhill from here. You're always going to be insecure about her travels, and she will probably start to resent you for your insecurity (her annoyance when you first mentioned it probably means the resentment has already started).

My ex was very insecure. He hated it when I went out drinking with my coworkers even though there was zero flirting involved among any of us. It was really annoying dealing with his constant texts when I was out.

My current boyfriend doesn't seem to have that jealousy problem. He's fine with me going out drinking with my coworkers. And I'd be perfectly fine if he went out drinking with any of his as well.

You can't control other people. If they're going to cheat, they're going to cheat. And if they do, then you don't want to be with them anyway.
Good advice. Better apply it.
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Old 30th October 2017, 9:22 PM   #20
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Ive spoken to her just now and told her it makes me incredibly uneasy. She replied in kind of annoyance that I didn't trust her so I said 'what if the roles where reversed' she then said all you need to know is that I love you.
Her answer.....it's very wayward-ish. No true answer to your question, and very gaslighting.

If she's not cheating, it feels like she's thinking about it.
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Old 30th October 2017, 10:15 PM   #21
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I agree with the others that her annoyed answer to your fears and concerns is worrying. To me, she sounded annoyed because you saw through her exterior so easily. She is angry with herself for being so transparent. That being said, you have no right to make any demands on her time that she doesn't want to give. She is in this job, and that is her reality. Your reality is that you don't like being the 'house husband', being talked down to in a condescending manner... I am surprised she didn't tell you to take your Midol... Since you have no control over what she does, you need to take control over what you can do. I would tell her something along the lines of how you are happy she has found such a fulfilling job, and hope she has many more successes in her life. But, you wont be there. You need a woman who is going to stay near home. Otherwise if you do stay, be prepared to take a big hit to your manhood...
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Old 30th October 2017, 10:45 PM   #22
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I asked her who they are and she's said they're all married with children or she wouldn't of gone for drinks with them. I trust her but I wish I could stop feeling anxious
That isn't exactly something to ease your mind, though she may think it is. Married guys who want to cheat would rather do it with a woman who has an SO or husband because then they have something to lose as well, so will keep it a secret. I'd be concerned, but as previously stated if you become clingy you will piss her off , so your choices are be vigilant but silent, or move on. If marriage is on the table I wouldn't even think about it until you have this completely sorted in your head.
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:49 AM   #23
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As someone who spent 90 days of every year away on business for about 30 years, I have seen both male and female spouses cheat when on business trips. Starts with drinks after work so that you can sleep easier in a strange bed. The drinks lower your inhibitions and the excitement of cheating and the taboo of it in a place where your spouse will never find out, is enticing.

I have had girls throw themselves at me, calling my room drunk and wanting me to invite them in. I even had one girl grab my crotch and massage it and I turned her down. I had more than one room key passed to me. I never had sex with any girls when on a business trip. I was a good target though because I was a senior executive and not bad to look at. Women are genetically designed to seek out alpha males.

My best friend's wife left him for her boss. He never questioned all of her business trips and working late. Men who feel that their wive's would never cheat are the easiest to cheat on. What disturbed me the most is how a loving wife can talk to her husband on a cell phone and tell him that she loves him in the middle of rubbing a guy's crotch. Some even get indignant when their husband accused them of cheating. It simply amazed me how a loving wife could lie so easily when she wanted sex with another man. I was told a few times that they got a kick out of talking to their husbands during sex with other guys. I actually had that happen once when I was young and into married older women who wanted someone with stamina.

You either put it out of your mind or let it gnaw at you until you blow up during an argument. My wife says that what the eyes do not see, the heart cannot feel. We know that sex can be just sex but the difference is that men usually cheat just for sex while women do it for emotional reasons and that more easily leads to love. Things were not like this in my generation because married women had very limited contact with men without their husbands being there. Now with a lot of women in the workplace and freedom to travel, things are different.

Odd are on your side as only 40% of females have admitted to cheating. Guys used to ask me how did I know that my wife was not cheating on me when I was away so much. I just told them even if they were having sex with multiple men every day, it has not made even a rippled in our marriage or love so who cares.
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:34 AM   #24
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Hi Travel, I guess you are in an awkward position. You are right about feeling upset with your situation since, for one thing, you are not getting much quality time with your GF. Secondly, since she is working in an all male environment, the likely hood of her going astray when she is on these trips is is right up there. Of course it all depends on her moral compass but with drinks even normally circumspect folks are likely to have lowered inhibitions and one thing can lead to another and they get the stamp of a cheater. I would like to know how long you have been with your GF and does she have a high libido? If she does then the chances of her straying increase manifold. Apart from that what has your relationship been like? What is it like when she returns from one of these trips? Is she warm and loving or is she aloof and distracted with work or whatever? Do you guys have any date nights?

That said the real problem that I see here is that of your insecurity. I would suggest that you see an IC for some therapy to help you with this as, even if you break up with this GF you might suffer from the same problem with a new one. There are two paths that you can take. One is to let your insecurity lead you and you exit this relationship. The other is that you place your trust in your GF not to do the wrong thing but keep verifying from time to time. You will have to work out some system whereby you can get some sort of a way to keep tabs on her and check that periodically to satisfy yourself that she is on the straight and narrow. I wonder if your insecurity ids triggered by your gut? If that be the case then your battle is already lost. Think about what everyone has told you and take action. If you ever think she is in fact cheating, then the best would be to employ a PI to dig out the truth and you will have the evidence to proceed whichever way you want. Warm wishes.
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:45 AM   #25
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I do think your level of anxiety about this is somewhat worrisome. Men and women do not share hotel rooms on legitimate business trips, if her company does not at least provide gender-segregated rooms they can be subject to legal action. Beers after work is normal. If she didn't do any of that, chances are she would be relegated to a lower-paying and dead-end role.

I mean... if she was going to cheat on you, she could just as easily do so without having to go through this elaborate ruse. There isn't any point worrying about it.

That being said, constant travel can be draining for a relationship. So you are perfectly within your rights to not want to be with someone who constantly travels for her job. I guess to me, it would be a question of whether this constant traveling is temporary or permanent.
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:51 AM   #26
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Secondly, since she is working in an all male environment, the likely hood of her going astray when she is on these trips is is right up there.
This is absolute poppycock. Women who work in male-dominated environments typically know that if they want to be taken seriously, they have to be seen as "one of the guys". Flirting and sleeping with colleagues produces the exact opposite of that. Sure it happens sometimes, but I'm willing to bet that it happens a lot less often than it does in mixed environments or even female-dominated environments. Hopefully you don't think the solution is for women to not work.

I've worked in a male-dominated environment for several years now and been on a few trips with the complete support of my SO. Zero cheating has happened. The thought of even doing anything sexually suggestive with my colleagues repulses me. Work and romance do NOT mix IMO.

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does she have a high libido? If she does then the chances of her straying increase manifold.
Lots of assumptions here. Many people have high libidos but only for the person they are in a LTR with. Promiscuity has no correlation with libido.

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You will have to work out some system whereby you can get some sort of a way to keep tabs on her and check that periodically to satisfy yourself that she is on the straight and narrow.
If you are already at the stage where you can't trust your partner without "keeping tabs on them", you would be best served by breaking up.
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Old 31st October 2017, 4:11 AM   #27
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Hi Elswyth, you may be right about specific individuals. However do read Steve's post above. The thing is that I said it is entirely dependent on a person's moral compass. If she has good boundaries nothing is likely to happen. However if her boundaries are poor then the factors that I mentioned are enabling ones and she could succumb due to one or more of them. You may have had very high standards but not everyone is like you and the thing is that the OP is disconcerted with the situations that she is immersed in while travelling. The other thing is that instead of being empathetic to the OP she brushed him off and displayed annoyance over his concerns. I do not think a loving partner would treat his or her SO in this manner. By the way, I have never hinted anywhere that women should not work and I do not know how you came to that conclusion. My Daughter in law works in a very demanding corporate environment with a lot of male coworkers and has had to travel abroad a number of times in connection with her work so I am well aware of the phenomenon of working women and what that entails. Warm wishes.
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Old 31st October 2017, 4:24 AM   #28
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I also wanted to add that you have selectively taken some of what I posted and commented on them but I'm sorry to say that they lose context when not considered as part of the whole post. The thrust of my post was that the OP's main problem is his insecurity and that he needs to come to grips with that. I suggested IC to help him understand where his anxiety is being generated and how to subdue it. I also suggested that on of the things he could do was to trust his SO but verify from time to time. Steve wrote about his good friend whose wife left him for her boss because his friend never did question her frequent travel and late nights and trusted her fully. It is better to be smart at the outset than to repent later. Best wishes.
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Old 31st October 2017, 8:06 AM   #29
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I work in a male-dominated field, and until about a month ago, I also had to travel every week. Dinners and drinks with coworkers and clients were all but required- we had to share a rental car, so everyone was stuck together for 14+ hours a day. I work in consulting and refusing to participate in social events would not have worked out well for my career with the company.

Most people hated the travel. We would have all preferred to stay home to have dinner and go to bed with our families.

Personally, I never engaged in, or observed, inappropriate behaivior. But I heard a lot of stories. And the travel was tough on my relationship even though my boyfriend never expressed any insecurities about it. It's hard to stay connected when you're apart so much. The divorce rate at my firm was pretty high- as is the rate of singles and people who don't have kids.

Here's the deal- your insecurity will absolutely destroy this relationship. Having a job with these types of commitments is hard enough without a partner who questions your every move.

However, if this lifestyle is going to be permanent for her, imo deciding it's not for you is a reasonable decision to come to. You may not want the risks and challenges that are part of this package.

So, talk to her and figure out how this job fits in with her greater plan. But don't guilt-trip her for doing her job.

My years traveling were hard, but I dont regret them. I am thankful my boyfriend was so supportive, and am also very glad to have left the travel behind me. It was not something I wanted for myself long-term, but was a good investment in my career.

Last edited by lucy_in_disguise; 31st October 2017 at 8:09 AM..
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Old 31st October 2017, 11:35 AM   #30
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I also wanted to add that you have selectively taken some of what I posted and commented on them but I'm sorry to say that they lose context when not considered as part of the whole post. The thrust of my post was that the OP's main problem is his insecurity and that he needs to come to grips with that. I suggested IC to help him understand where his anxiety is being generated and how to subdue it.
I agree with that point, but I quoted the parts I did because I suspect that if the OP comes back to read this, his anxious nature will lead him to focus on those, and not on the need for counseling. Perhaps I was a little hard on you.

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I also suggested that on of the things he could do was to trust his SO but verify from time to time. Steve wrote about his good friend whose wife left him for her boss because his friend never did question her frequent travel and late nights and trusted her fully. It is better to be smart at the outset than to repent later. Best wishes.
Do you think Steve's friend's relationship would have turned out any better if he had "kept tabs" on his wife? I sincerely doubt so. Someone who is going to cheat is going to cheat, EVEN if they have never traveled a day in their life, EVEN if their partner "requires" that they "report in" all the time. "Keeping tabs" on them doesn't help save the relationship - the only "benefit" is that IF they are cheating you might find out sooner so you leave sooner, but the potential downsides (the resentment it generates in the partner who feels mistrusted, and the natural loss of attraction towards an insecure partner) are far greater.

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The other thing is that instead of being empathetic to the OP she brushed him off and displayed annoyance over his concerns.
Need more specifics about this. I think it's reasonable to feel annoyed at the OP's level of anxiety (he's like a woman who texts her husband constantly while he is working and expects instant responses), but she could have responded better despite that.
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