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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 31st October 2017, 4:15 PM   #46
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Finances are definitely a concern but I work full time and am not afraid to get evening job.
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Old 31st October 2017, 4:46 PM   #47
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Ha he is a jerk....one really good at showing people only what he wants them to see. And he needs to be the center of attention all the time. He also constantly talks about his older son and his glory days from high school and middle school. I can be talking about our six year old and it turns into something about his oldest son when he played baseball or something, however when i point this out im wrong and he doesnt compare the two....and now im "NOT allowed" to talk about the older one.
Can you explain why it's good to stay with any man such as this?

He's not a positive role model for your kids.
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Old 31st October 2017, 4:46 PM   #48
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Finances are definitely a concern but I work full time and am not afraid to get evening job.
You are a teacher, which is the hardest and most rewarding job you can have. Except for parenting.

Don't forget, you will be entitled to child support and probably spousal support. If you haven't talked to a lawyer already (I would have to look back through this discussion because I can't remember), you really should consider it to learn more about what you would be entitled to receive if you ever decide to divorce. There would be no commitment, you are gathering information. It's always better to gather the information so that you can make an informed decision.
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Old 1st November 2017, 7:49 AM   #49
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Can you explain why it's good to stay with any man such as this?

He's not a positive role model for your kids.
Ha I didnt say it was good to stay with him....If i thought it was I wouldnt be on here and worried about hairs or anything else. The bigger picture of all of this is that there are many issues...however i know all relationships take work and have issues so before i leave i want to make sure im not being a huge b*tch and going to be one of those people who give up during a down swing. Things were not always this way. He put up a good show of doing all the things and being all the things i wanted and needed until the cards were down. That messes with your head "he did it before he can do it again". I want to be sure that its not something like depression or some other issue hes having before i just throw in the towel. Obviously getting outside views from people who dont know me or him give a bit of perspective.
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Old 1st November 2017, 7:53 AM   #50
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You are a teacher, which is the hardest and most rewarding job you can have. Except for parenting.

Don't forget, you will be entitled to child support and probably spousal support. If you haven't talked to a lawyer already (I would have to look back through this discussion because I can't remember), you really should consider it to learn more about what you would be entitled to receive if you ever decide to divorce. There would be no commitment, you are gathering information. It's always better to gather the information so that you can make an informed decision.

I have been to an attorney...months ago. Just to get an idea of where i would stand. In my state him not telling me he has a STI is grounds for me to sue him actually. Whats hard about that is you get people telling you oh its only a skin condition and its manageable. My issue is not that...its the deceit. The continuation of lies by not taking the meds and hiding them after ive spoken out saying i need to see him take them to trust him again. He doesnt want to validate my feelings on this and thats a problem.

sorry, rant.

ive thought about a second attorney to get more in depth info...first just told me my opinions and generalized about of child support.
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Old 1st November 2017, 8:58 AM   #51
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I have been to an attorney...months ago. Just to get an idea of where i would stand. In my state him not telling me he has a STI is grounds for me to sue him actually. Whats hard about that is you get people telling you oh its only a skin condition and its manageable. My issue is not that...its the deceit. The continuation of lies by not taking the meds and hiding them after ive spoken out saying i need to see him take them to trust him again. He doesnt want to validate my feelings on this and thats a problem.

sorry, rant.

ive thought about a second attorney to get more in depth info...first just told me my opinions and generalized about of child support.
Yup! For me, it would be time to get more specific information - about the division of assets, child support, spousal support. I'm not sure that you would want to sue your husband (in the best interest of coparenting in the future), but what he did was a HUGE thing. There would be no trust happening after something like that - even if I did see him take his meds...

Knowledge is power.
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Old 1st November 2017, 9:04 AM   #52
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Honestly the trust thing has been my biggest struggle because part of me wants to say I can be that person to forgive and forget but Iím not. Iím really not. I tend to trust people for the get go because I like to believe the best in people but once itís broken I canít look past it. Call it a character flaw, I donít know.

No I have zero interest in suing him...or getting anything more from him that what I need to take care of my kids now and in the future.
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Old 1st November 2017, 9:11 AM   #53
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The sad thing is that you'll find it harder to leave when he's old, frail and needing care..... people will see you as the bad wife for leaving the old man ... and you'll be stuck with him and miserable.
Agreed.
OP, he is already 61 and all he needs is to have a stroke or get dementia, and you are saddled with him as his carer for the rest of his life, which could in reality be decades...

If you are unhappy, the time to leave is NOW, before he gets ill and needs to rely on you.
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Old 1st November 2017, 9:23 AM   #54
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Honestly the trust thing has been my biggest struggle because part of me wants to say I can be that person to forgive and forget but Iím not. Iím really not. I tend to trust people for the get go because I like to believe the best in people but once itís broken I canít look past it. Call it a character flaw, I donít know.

No I have zero interest in suing him...or getting anything more from him that what I need to take care of my kids now and in the future.
You can forgive and forget the fact that he had to work and missed a planned date or one of your children's activities. You can forgive and forget the fact that he said he would pick something up and forgot.

He had an STD that he purposefully decided not to disclose to his partner and he purposefully decided not to take his medication. In so doing, he purposefully decided to put your health at risk without your knowledge or consent.

No, there is no forgiveness for that. And, there would be no sex either... For me.
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Old 1st November 2017, 9:25 AM   #55
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Is there any proof he has had herpes for 30 years or is this a more recent infection maybe?
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Old 1st November 2017, 10:27 AM   #56
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With the big age difference, the fact he has grown children and his selfish deceitful behaviour it makes me wonder how your relationship with him even started. Was it an affair? Was he still married or was he cheating on someone in order to be with you?
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Old 1st November 2017, 11:21 AM   #57
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You can forgive and forget the fact that he had to work and missed a planned date or one of your children's activities. You can forgive and forget the fact that he said he would pick something up and forgot.

He had an STD that he purposefully decided not to disclose to his partner and he purposefully decided not to take his medication. In so doing, he purposefully decided to put your health at risk without your knowledge or consent.

No, there is no forgiveness for that. And, there would be no sex either... For me.
He rarely goes to childrens activities. There is no sex and i told him to his face i couldnt be with him like that because of this.
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Old 1st November 2017, 11:24 AM   #58
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With the big age difference, the fact he has grown children and his selfish deceitful behaviour it makes me wonder how your relationship with him even started. Was it an affair? Was he still married or was he cheating on someone in order to be with you?
Nope nothing like that....he was single. It started with conversation and what i thought was common interests. He did not look his age....once i knew how old he was the emotions were there. He talked a good game. Actually we talked about travel and first date he asked me to go sky diving, which fell though actually. No we travel no where. Well let me amend that....my boys and i travel. He sits on couch.
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Old 1st November 2017, 11:26 AM   #59
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Is there any proof he has had herpes for 30 years or is this a more recent infection maybe?
He admitted hes had it for 30 years. He and ex wife got it around same time, no one knows who gave it to who. But i have spoken to her about all of it. Shes actually the one who told me that while he has told me he has not had an outbreak in 20+ years that he has actually called her for the Valtrex on several occasions.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 2:28 AM   #60
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Why would you want to stay with a man you don't trust and one who disrespects you this way?

Where's your boundary? What does he need to do in order to say no more?

Where's the limit to the abuse you're going to endure?


You're setting an example for the kids - they will learn that you take his bad behavior and do nothing to help yourself - is that what you wish to teach them?
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