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Found hairs that aren't mine.


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 30th October 2017, 11:02 AM   #31
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Hi Pequeen, as a point of interest, just how old are you? I think you are wasting precious time by lingering in this marriage. You should be planning your exit and getting all your ducks in a row as they say. When you are well and truly ready just leave when he is at work and leave a note or email him telling him your decision. Also you should file immediately on separating. Do not let him know where you have chosen to stay so that he does not come around and harass you. As amasyngrace said she did it for her children. You , too, need to do it for your children. Warm wishes.
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Old 30th October 2017, 11:14 AM   #32
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Hi Pequeen, as a point of interest, just how old are you? I think you are wasting precious time by lingering in this marriage. You should be planning your exit and getting all your ducks in a row as they say. When you are well and truly ready just leave when he is at work and leave a note or email him telling him your decision. Also you should file immediately on separating. Do not let him know where you have chosen to stay so that he does not come around and harass you. As amasyngrace said she did it for her children. You , too, need to do it for your children. Warm wishes.
I'm 34 he is 61....he didnt start acting his age until after his brother died unexpectedly 3 years ago....
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Old 30th October 2017, 11:30 AM   #33
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You may speak up, but you stay. And it continues...

Your kids are preschoolers and with the innocence of youth, they are telling you that daddy is mean. That is so sad. Your children are watching, and actions always speak louder than words. They love you now as their primary caregiver. They worry about you as all children do. No child wants their father to be mean or hurt their mother. What a terrible burden to place on your children.

Hopefully, as your children grow older and they start to test their boundaries as all children do, they won't show you the same disrespectful behavior that they have seen their father show you. It's a very real possibility. They are already telling you; if their father does it, then it must be ok. Hopefully, they don't grow up and show their future wives the same behavior. It's what they know about marriage and relationships.

Actions always speak louder than words. And children are always watching and learning from us. Teach them well.
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Last edited by BaileyB; 30th October 2017 at 11:47 AM..
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Old 30th October 2017, 11:49 AM   #34
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I’ve stayed because I made a commitment. My parents divorced when I was 20 and I swore I wouldn’t put my kids through that...
That's what my mother did - stayed because she made a commitment and didn't want to break the family and cause damage to her children.

Staying in a toxic relationship causes more harm/damage than leaving one.

I strongly believe that if she left, we would have been better off. Instead, we became a product of dysfunction.

The whole "quitter" mentality is sometimes an excuse we talk ourselves into believing because it's much easier to stay than it is to do the hard thing, which is to leave.

Forget about the hairs, there's been more than enough that has happened for you to eject. The relationship started off on a lie and it has become your foundation. It's time you start believing that you and your children deserve much better.
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Old 30th October 2017, 12:18 PM   #35
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Anyway, can you forgive every single thing he does or doesn't do that you know in your heart is wrong? He has shown such little regard for your well being that I am curious how you can overlook that.
I dont over look it.....i save money and explore all options. I have no family close by....if i did id have left on january 12. I posted here to get opinions to make sure i wasnt being irrational.
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Old 30th October 2017, 6:02 PM   #36
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It comes across that you are from a non western culture.

You have to think about y yoursek sbd your sons. The reason a number of men harrow up not resp ecting woman is from what they saw growing up.

If boys see men treat women respectfully, they'll do the same. You can say you aren't a doormat ... I'm not saying you are ... but it's what your children see that really matters.
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Old 31st October 2017, 11:01 AM   #37
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I agree that what they see is what matters....but i also see as a teacher what can happen to kids from divorced houses. And before anyone jumps on me about not all kids are messed up from divorce and its all in how its handled, im aware of this. However it has crossed my mind that im the primary caregiver and what will happen when they are away from me. That can mess them up too cuz im not there to redirect or correct.

Side note since my original post was about finding hairs that arent mine, i found one in my car yesterday on the side of the seat by the door on drivers side. he does drive my car sometimes and the hair seems to match others. Hes so lazy i have a hard time seeing him cheating but the signs seem to be there.
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Old 31st October 2017, 11:15 AM   #38
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I agree that what they see is what matters....but i also see as a teacher what can happen to kids from divorced houses. And before anyone jumps on me about not all kids are messed up from divorce and its all in how its handled, im aware of this. However it has crossed my mind that im the primary caregiver and what will happen when they are away from me. That can mess them up too cuz im not there to redirect or correct.

Side note since my original post was about finding hairs that arent mine, i found one in my car yesterday on the side of the seat by the door on drivers side. he does drive my car sometimes and the hair seems to match others. Hes so lazy i have a hard time seeing him cheating but the signs seem to be there.
most cheaters are lazy, which is why the OW is probably someone he sees daily at work or has very frequent contact with in his daily routine. so he didn't/doesn't have to go out of his way to find someone or do anything special to attract her. as for your kids, worry more about the example you are setting for them whether you stay or go. they are going to eventually know what happened and how you react(ed) to it influences their well-being, too, and how they see you as a mother/role model.
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Old 31st October 2017, 11:58 AM   #39
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Hes so lazy i have a hard time seeing him cheating but the signs seem to be there.
Laziness has nothing to do with someone wanting to cheat. He may have no motivation when it comes to other aspects of his life but I'm sure the prospect of having a side piece adds a different element to his likely dull life.
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Old 31st October 2017, 12:04 PM   #40
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I dont over look it.....i save money and explore all options. I have no family close by....if i did id have left on january 12. I posted here to get opinions to make sure i wasnt being irrational.
You're not being irrational. But by staying you are setting an example for your boys that it's all acceptable behavior.


Your H sounds like a jerk... show your boys there are consequences when you're a jerk.

Your older son already thinks it's acceptable behavior because Dad does it.


Sometimes you gotta show them with actions that you're NOT ok with the way things are.


It doesn't matter that you said you wouldn't divorce - I said that too - but I had to get divorced to get away from a lying, abusive cheater! I had to do that for me and my boys! That was hard after almost 25 years with him - but it was worth it!

It showed my boys that I value myself. It showed them a fine example of strength and courage! That was 12 years ago. They still tell me I did the right thing.
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:52 PM   #41
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Ha he is a jerk....one really good at showing people only what he wants them to see. And he needs to be the center of attention all the time. He also constantly talks about his older son and his glory days from high school and middle school. I can be talking about our six year old and it turns into something about his oldest son when he played baseball or something, however when i point this out im wrong and he doesnt compare the two....and now im "NOT allowed" to talk about the older one.
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:18 PM   #42
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I agree that what they see is what matters....but i also see as a teacher what can happen to kids from divorced houses. And before anyone jumps on me about not all kids are messed up from divorce and its all in how its handled, im aware of this. However it has crossed my mind that im the primary caregiver and what will happen when they are away from me. That can mess them up too cuz im not there to redirect or correct.

Side note since my original post was about finding hairs that arent mine, i found one in my car yesterday on the side of the seat by the door on drivers side. he does drive my car sometimes and the hair seems to match others. Hes so lazy i have a hard time seeing him cheating but the signs seem to be there.
Right now, this dysfunction is their normal. This sham marriage is their example of marriage. Their father's behavior in word and deed is their example of manhood. If you leave, the kids will be exposed to a different, more healthy, normal and maybe have a shot at not turning into their father.

If he behaves badly during his parenting time the kids will eventually decide not to visit with him.

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Originally Posted by Pequeen1 View Post
Ha he is a jerk....one really good at showing people only what he wants them to see. And he needs to be the center of attention all the time. He also constantly talks about his older son and his glory days from high school and middle school. I can be talking about our six year old and it turns into something about his oldest son when he played baseball or something, however when i point this out im wrong and he doesnt compare the two....and now im "NOT allowed" to talk about the older one.
Do the right thing for you and the boys and leave. Please. This man will ruin them.
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:40 PM   #43
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Ha he is a jerk....one really good at showing people only what he wants them to see. And he needs to be the center of attention all the time. He also constantly talks about his older son and his glory days from high school and middle school. I can be talking about our six year old and it turns into something about his oldest son when he played baseball or something, however when i point this out im wrong and he doesnt compare the two....and now im "NOT allowed" to talk about the older one.
Are you going to spend your life complaining about this man for the rest of your life, or are you going to make a decision and take action?

Because, right now you are stuck in a position of inertia and complacency where you have convinced yourself that yours (and your children's) continued suffering through the abuse (yes, I use the word abuse) this man demonstrates toward you is somehow in the "best interest" of your children.

Your children will see their father for who he is when they grow older - a mean, spiteful, and abusive man who hurt their mother and didn't care enough to parent them.

What are they going to say about their mother? Are they going to say that she was a self-sacrificing or weak woman who stayed in a dysfunctional and abusive marriage because she mistakenly thought it was in her children's best interest?

Or, are they going to say that their mother was a strong woman who did the hard thing and left her abusive husband to build a better life for herself and her children?

It is your decision. Someday, the pain of staying will be worse than the fear of leaving the marriage. You should continue to save money and be prepared to leave. But, don't stay because of the kids. Leave for the kids. He will ruin them. And you.

Last edited by BaileyB; 31st October 2017 at 3:42 PM..
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:50 PM   #44
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The sad thing is that you'll find it harder to leave when he's old, frail and needing care..... people will see you as the bad wife for leaving the old man ... and you'll be stuck with him and miserable.
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Old 31st October 2017, 3:59 PM   #45
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Hard question - is it possible that you choosing to stay in this relationship because it is in your financial best interest to do so...
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