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Snooped phone and found things from past


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Old 13th June 2017, 5:35 AM   #1
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Snooped phone and found things from past

Looking for advice....

Marrying my girlfriend of a couple of years soon. We started seeing each other while I was completing my divorce. When we started seeing each other, she was aware of the fact that I was married, but told me that she was willing to stand by me during that process, knowing that I was also still living with my ex-wife.

Fast forward seven months into the relationship, now having gotten my own place where she more or less moved in, and I find something on her phone. No initial suspicions at all and was asked by her to get something off of it for her. I stumble upon something that is contrary to what I was told.

Later in the day, when I could freely look, I snooped more. What I see is that after we met, she had continued to date. We never called ourselves exclusive after that first date or two, and obviously living with my ex-wife it would have been a complicated label anyway, but about 3-4 months in she sort of retroactively let me know after a question that she had not saw anyone after our date and we had always been exclusive.

What I saw on her phone however: over the first two months after we met she continued to see one guy and slept with him drunk; continued to flirt, text a lot and connect once with another she had been more a FIB with; texted with at least several other guys, one in attempts to date; met at least two new guys, one of which she may have slept with; and by three months in had given her phone number to at least two or three more guys.

This all sounds horrible, however, for the first six months we were together and I divorcing, I can understand if she was scared of being taken advantage of, or putting too much into a relationship that in her mind may not pan out. So I chalked it up to her lack of security that I was actually finalizing things. Things have been fine the last couple of years since. I Put it behind me.

Now that we are preparing to wed, a couple of years later, I feel I should bring this up. I think it best to talk about it. Let her know I snooped. Let her know that I have questions, and talk it through. She has done the same with me about my past marriage and the state it was in when we met, so I believe it is a fair discussion to have.

Advice needed: What pit falls should I be prepared for? She will be upset that I snooped...Is that going to totally derail the real questions? How do I get around that?

Thanks for any advice in advance.
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Old 13th June 2017, 7:08 AM   #2
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Not cool, but I can kind of understand her hedging her bets with a married man still living with his soon-to-be-ex. How could she really know you weren't lying to her, unless she met your wife and confirmed your story.

Of course, she doesn't want you to know that she didn't fully trust your intentions, because she had hopes for you. You didn't have the exclusivity talk, from the sounds of it, either. She edited the past to hide her doubts about you.

Now, you can get upset and dump her, or accept that she was protecting herself while in a nebulous relationship with you. I think the real question is, do you think you can trust her going forward, now that your situation has stabilized, or do you think she'll want to keep her options open again?

Beginnings can be messy and sometimes allowances need to be made - but you're past that stage, hopefully. Yes, you should talk to her about it, but HOW you approach it may determine if this is a discussion, or an argument that could split you up.
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Old 13th June 2017, 7:22 AM   #3
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Sorry but the married man doesn't get to take the "high road" & complain that the woman he was dating while he was still married wasn't faithful.


However, she didn't need to lie about it. Had she just shut up, I'd have more respect for her.


Since it bothers you, do talk to her before you walk down the aisle. It's not like you can fix this or it will go away after you marry.
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Old 13th June 2017, 7:26 AM   #4
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You were married and she dated others. Sounds fair to me.
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Old 13th June 2017, 8:23 AM   #5
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Not a good plan to snoop on her phone.

And, as a married man you don't really get to be upset that she continued to date during the early days of you relationship - while you are still living with and divorcing your wife. I mean, seriously. What a double standard?

This relationship began on unsteady ground - as an affair when you were still a married man. And now she has moved in and you are getting married after only seven months? Do you really know this woman? That is very fast... Given the way this relationship started and the speed with which you have progressed this relationship, I dont predict good things here...
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Old 13th June 2017, 8:49 AM   #6
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And, as a married man you don't really get to be upset that she continued to date during the early days of you relationship - while you are still living with and divorcing your wife. I mean, seriously. What a double standard?
he didn't mention anything about having sex with his wife during the separation process. Maybe he can clear that point.

because if he had only lived there with no sexual or romantic relationship with his stbx(probably children stuff), while his gf was dating and sleeping with others, especially when she keeps hiding it from him, it says a lot about her character, her ability to lie while looking in his eyes saying she loves him...

If i'm right, he didn't hide, didn't lie and didn't have sex with anyone but his gf. His gf had sex with other guys, lied, hid, all these multiple times. not good. Not good at all.
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Old 13th June 2017, 9:03 AM   #7
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he didn't mention anything about having sex with his wife during the separation process. Maybe he can clear that point.

because if he had only lived there with no sexual or romantic relationship with his stbx(probably children stuff), while his gf was dating and sleeping with others, especially when she keeps hiding it from him, it says a lot about her character, her ability to lie while looking in his eyes saying she loves him...

If i'm right, he didn't hide, didn't lie and didn't have sex with anyone but his gf. His gf had sex with other guys, lied, hid, all these multiple times. not good. Not good at all.
Please, he was married and living with his wife. His "girlfriend" had no obligation to him whatsoever. He needs to get over it.
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Old 13th June 2017, 9:08 AM   #8
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he didn't mention anything about having sex with his wife during the separation process. Maybe he can clear that point.

because if he had only lived there with no sexual or romantic relationship with his stbx(probably children stuff), while his gf was dating and sleeping with others, especially when she keeps hiding it from him, it says a lot about her character, her ability to lie while looking in his eyes saying she loves him...

If i'm right, he didn't hide, didn't lie and didn't have sex with anyone but his gf. His gf had sex with other guys, lied, hid, all these multiple times. not good. Not good at all.
Seriously? He said he was still living with his ex wife, in the process of divorce. You think that if he is not actually having sex with his wife, that makes it any better? You think it says more about her character? I respectfully disagree.

Either way, I don't think this relationship has the strength required to be long term. With a history of infidelity, lack of trust, poor boundaries, and a relationship that has been fast-tracked... There are lots of concerns here.
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Old 13th June 2017, 9:10 AM   #9
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Another example is why not divorced is still being married and
you do not date others when still married.

You did not have the exclusivity talk so she and you were free
agents. She did not cheat. However she is one big liar for she
told you that she never went out with others after your
first date together.

Ask her why the big lie.

Then postpone the wedding for one year to give your mind the
time to process this revelation to see if you can handle this
news without it negatively effecting the relationship.
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Old 13th June 2017, 9:17 AM   #10
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You should certainly discuss any issue in the relationship....left unaddressed it can and might become a larger issue down the road. So it should be discussed.

Is it a reason to not get married? Absolutley. If this is something that cause you to distrust or have doubts you should not get married.

Do I think it should be an issue? Well..honestly...what i think is not necessarily what you think....and i am not the one about to marry someone i already have doubts about. But...I agree with others.

You were married...you did not commit to a monogamous relationship with each other...while wating for your divorce to be finalized....so what she did or did not do during that time frame should not be held against her. However...

You cannot help how you feel...and if it makes you "feel bad"...then it is a big deal to you....and you have two choices....you either have to resolve it between the two of you....or you break up because of it...

If you resolve it...then you dont ever bring it up again.
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Old 13th June 2017, 9:22 AM   #11
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If it was all during those early months when you were getting together, I say leave it.

Yeah, she shouldn't have lied and claimed she was always devoted to you just to flatter your ego. That was dumb. But neither of you are perfect. Best not to get to worked up about it.

If it really upsets you then you can gently let her know that you found out and that it hurts your feelings that she misled you.

The fact that you went snooping, especially if you only found things from so long ago, probably will factor into the discussion and her feelings will be hurt as well. Generally when people get to the point of digging around in their partner's secrets, unless it was easy idle curiosity from something left open, it means there's a big failure of trust in the relationship.
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Old 13th June 2017, 9:22 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by lolablue17 View Post
If i'm right, he didn't hide, didn't lie and didn't have sex with anyone but his gf. His gf had sex with other guys, lied, hid, all these multiple times. not good. Not good at all.
Agree with this.

Sure no exclusivity = freedom, I get that. OP has no right to complain about his GF dating or sleeping with others. But she lied about it, hid it, edited the past, and has shown the ability and willingness to lie right to his face. This would be a problem, for me. If I were going to marry someone then I wouldn't want them to lie to me.
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Old 13th June 2017, 9:24 AM   #13
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Another example is why not divorced is still being married and
you do not date others when still married.
And there is also a reason why Separated is a whole separate marital state on tax and other official forms. Because divorce often takes many years to get resolved.

But I agree that it's complicated based on the fact that the wife was still living there (that means they weren't even separated), I think forgiveness is in order here.
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Old 13th June 2017, 9:48 AM   #14
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And there is also a reason why Separated is a whole separate marital state on tax and other official forms. Because divorce often takes many years to get resolved.

But I agree that it's complicated based on the fact that the wife was still living there (that means they weren't even separated), I think forgiveness is in order here.
There's also the whole "separated but living together" is different from the "separated and moved out and living apart". IMO no one should date someone who's still living with their (ex?)partner
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Old 13th June 2017, 10:06 AM   #15
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Seriously? He said he was still living with his ex wife, in the process of divorce. You think that if he is not actually having sex with his wife, that makes it any better? You think it says more about her character? I respectfully disagree.

Either way, I don't think this relationship has the strength required to be long term. With a history of infidelity, lack of trust, poor boundaries, and a relationship that has been fast-tracked... There are lots of concerns here.
If she felt insecure with the arrangement, she should have told him that, and they could come up with a different arrangement (or split). But she prefered the way of lying and deception. In my world if you sleep with others, (while i don't) while letting me think that you're only with me, there are no excuses -
for me you're cheating.
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