Marriage "Boundaries"...is there such a thing?

[JamesM]

This came up in another thread, and I promised I would start a thread about it.

 

What boundaries do you have in your marriage...if any?

 

For instance, some say that there should be two checking accounts. I disagree.

 

Some say that each person should make his or her decision about his or her own body. I agree unless it impacts the other person (ie vasectomy or abortion).

 

Some say that it is no one's business if the husband wants to go out with his friends. And if he decides that he wants women friends, his wife should have no say in the matter. I disagree.

 

Anyhow, thoughts?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

All I can really say is that I have a lot more boundaries than my husband does. Getting him to respect my boundaries has been difficult.

 

I think that all decisions that affect both parties should be decided together. My husband pretends to believe this, and after reaching a decision together, he'll just do whatever the he!! he wanted to anyway.

 

"All decisions that affect both parties" include all the stuff you mentioned above, right down to the friends and solo socializing. If one partner is out with friends, the other partner is likely home alone with the kids at a time when they might not want that.

 

Marriage is no place for selfishness.

[laRubiaBonita]

maybe not bounderies as much as personal space and trust and respect.

such as email accounts, his mail, etc... i do not read his or know his password, and he does not read mine nor know my passwords.... although if there was some issue, at this point i think we would share the info

 

we share checking, although i still have my own, and do not really use our joint checking much (we are newly weds)

 

personally i think decisions about your body should be a joint discussion.... i would have an issue with a crazy tattoo or a piercing... but he can do what he wants with his hair.

 

he can hang out with his friends, and i with mine, but we tell each other- out of respect and courteousy- where we are going to be and who we are hanging out with

[a4a]

My boundary - as long as it is what I want we don't have any issues.

 

[2sure]

Well, after having dealt with infidelity early in our marriage - we have a lot of boundaries. Possibly not a surprise, since we started with none. We each probably have less privacy from each other because of it regarding passwords, phones, etc.

 

Other than that:

We consult each other on purchases over 500. Usually.

We ALWAYS take each others calls.

We don't name call when angry. ( For some reason, this has proved challenging for me)

We NEVER argue or criticize in front of others

If one of us says another woman or man makes us uncomfortable in any way - that person remains in the distance no questions asked. H was the one who cheated, but we have both found this rule/boundary a good thing. I guess it works because we dont use it often.

[Trialbyfire]

My perspective on marriage is two individuals who have similar, if not nearly identical goals in life. Conceptually, through the dating and relationship process, you discuss what, where, when, to ensure for strong communications and compatibility of interests, style/pattern of behaviours. Once you both understand and accept each others' boundaries, you proceed into marriage.

 

Each person has needs and wants. If a partner is unwilling or unable to meet the other persons' needs, then there's no reason to proceed any further.

 

Within a marriage, if there's a fundamental change, there must be discussion and buy-in by both individuals, otherwise you've dissolved the partnership.

 

I can't stand being controlled or needing to control someone else, which includes nagging from either party. Each person is fully responsible for themselves and their actions, including their own bodies. Fidelity is part of the marriage contract whether it's emotional, physical or both. Keep it zipped or you're out, no negotiation.

 

Within my ex-marriage, we were both financially secure going into the marriage and throughout the marriage, maintaining separate finances. We divvied up the bills/costs, each ensuring that we lived below our means, with a view to retirement. Since we were both in the Finance industry, we also took care of our own investments. We never, ever fought about money.

 

We had separate and joint friends, where more times than not, we socialized with joint friends, since he had knit many of his friends into my social network. We never begrudged each other time with our separate friends, boys or girls night out.

 

When it came to career, each person was responsible for themselves. Unless opinions were asked, we kept things separate to a degree. This was necessary to ensure there was no conflict of interest, since we both worked in the Industry.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Thought we're not married yet, we've both made it abundantly clear to each other that no cheating will be allowed.

 

Other than that, "boundaries" sounds so black and white. For us, it's more about "feeling each other out" about our wants, needs, expectations, etc. and both doing our best to meet those without losing ourselves in the process.

 

I'd like to suggest that you two discuss boundaries before you tie the knot. And define 'cheating'. Not to me, to each other. You might be surprised by a discrepancy in your definitions.

[2sure]

I'd like to suggest that you two discuss boundaries before you tie the knot. And define 'cheating'. Not to me, to each other. You might be surprised by a discrepancy in your definitions.

 

Huge!This is a great idea. For younger partners more important, of course. Also like to add that the definition of boundaries for a person may differ from dating boundaries to engaged boundaries to marriage boundaries.

[me4u2]

Heh heh. We are 49 and 59, respectively. I think we've been around long enough to be able to define things to each other satisfactorily. We actually communicate quite well, and my man respects me and nurtures our love. I am anything BUT lonely and frustrated.

 

Isn't this what we all say in the beginning. Then we find ourselves wandering around here wondering what went wrong.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

For younger people, maybe. It seemed a bit condescending to me, what with my age and all, to have someone in what sounds like a not so good relationship tell me what my partner and I should discuss in ours.

 

I didn't mean to come across condescending. Oh, if only I could climb into my time machine and go back and give myself that same advice!

 

And then, if only I'd listen!

[quankanne]

maybe not boundaries as much as personal space and trust and respect.

 

I'm in this camp ... especially on the respect thing. As in no fighting dirty, no mind-games, etc. Because I saw that with my parents, to a point where it just disgusted the hell out of my that my mother chose to stay married to my dad, who could be a complete anal pore to her. And for the most part, DH has been pretty good about that.

 

as far as the checking account thing? Separate is the way to go. In our case, he covers mortgage payments, I cover homeonwers/vehicle insurance and home warranty. He covers utilities, I take care of the house, I take care of some of the more pressing matters dealing with my dad, and I keep the dog supplied in chicken jerky. It's a trade-off that might not sound fair to someone on the outside, but it works for us.

[me4u2]

Isn't this just priceless?!

 

Does it ever occur to anyone that we might discuss things on a daily basis? It's called communication people. Ever try it?

 

You can't sit down at the onset, have one nice, neat little conversation, and expect to remember every little situation and nuance that you could ever encounter in a relationship during said conversation. Sounds good, but it just ain't gonna work.

 

 

I'm glad you find it priceless to see others struggling. Kudos to you! Does it ever occur to you that some people have a break down in communication? When it happens, how it happens, isn't the point. It happens. Priceless, isn't it?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Also like to add that the definition of boundaries for a person may differ from dating boundaries to engaged boundaries to marriage boundaries.

 

Yep, yep, and yep! Big mistake to move from dating to marriage without both parties understanding the difference.

[Geishawhelk]

Tell me about it.

 

I was told by someone young enough to be my kid twice over, to "grow up" - !

[me4u2]

Please point out where I said I find it funny to see other struggling.

 

What I found priceless was being "counselled" by people probably half my age and experience.

 

 

Point out where you said it was funny??? You used the LMAO icon after you said it was priceless, hence deeming it funny.

[me4u2]

You never said directly that you thought it was funny to see others struggle, you didn't have to. I made a general comment about how we all say these same things you're saying and then we end up wandering around here wondering what went wrong. Obviously implying people struggle.

 

Somehow, you decided that comment was priceless and funny. I'm not sure why it was so funny or priceless since I never directed any comment to you, rather I merely quoted your post and elaborated on my feelings.

 

I agree with you on one thing, we can get back on topic now.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Now, since James asked a question for us to merely answer WITHOUT including that we try to play counselor, can we please get back OT?

 

Actually, he asked for our thoughts on marital boundaries, and you came in, unmarried, to exclaim that 'boundaries' were too black and white and that it's something you and your BF can just 'feel out'.

 

And I expressed my 'thoughts' that perhaps that is a dangerous way to approach marital boundaries. Not only for you and yours, but for the many people who read these threads.

[laRubiaBonita]

i think a better word than boundaries would be expectations.

 

what does each spouse expects and is willing to give and what needs to be done to compromise on how to meet in the middle, if need be.

 

and are each persons expectations realistic or are they idealistic.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

and the comment about me being "unmarried" has what to do with it?

 

title of thread.

[Lizzie60]

I was never married but common-law.. so in my book, it's the same, except for the piece of paper.. and the stupid vows..

 

Our boundaries (with my first ex) was to be faithful, respectful of each other, as far as finances, we each had our saving accounts... we knew what each had to pay.

 

We never really established clearly any boundaries.. we just knew we had to be faithful and pay the bills..

[Dark-N-Romantic]

This is the reason why people should do premarital counseling. I think bounderies are ALWAYS expected, but not necessarily discussed to any real extent. And when a unknown/unvoiced bounderyline is crossed, usually back accident, there is an arguement.

 

Whatever concerns you, discuss it and make the lines known. If you think it is important to know how you two are going to deal with your finances, talk about it. If you a big freak in bed and you want to make sure your partner is going to fulfill that side of you, hash it out. Even down to how you are going to run the household if or when children come along. All of this should really be talked about and a line drawn BEFORE you two walk down the isle.

 

Marriage boundaries are NOT a bad thing. It ensures that both people are on the same page of how they are going to work together.

 

 

DNR

[soserious1]

in my marriage the boundaries were quite simple

 

Anything that involved actual work,effort or worry was my problem. All the bills and how they were paid? my problem? household issues or daily life difficulties? my problem. My need to occasionally go out,have a social life? my problem, my sexual needs? my problem.

 

If a conversation involved subjects involving me doing something for him, buying him something or planning an outting he wanted he was all ears..everything else would get me a half hearted pat on the hand and the line ""Ï'm sure you'll figure it all out"

 

He didn't care how I did things,how I dealt with problems.. just as long as I dealt with them. He wasnt interested in reading my email or invading my privacy in that way..he was always interested in reading over my shoulder when I was logged onto my online banking accounts though:)

[a4a]

Getting married suddenly gives you great insight as soon as you step off that altar? Ummm.... Sounds good...

 

And how's that workin' for ya?

 

But once married people can and do change.

 

ya know the saying "something in the wedding cake"...... It is true.

 

Lots of people think once you say I do that means I don't have to any more.

[quankanne]

But once married people can and do change.

 

yep. It's called "campaign promises" in a political realm – you know, all those fine, wonderful things we promise each other, then reality hits the minute you say "I do"/otherwise commit yourself to the relationship, my girlfriend and I were talking about that. She was married only a couple of years, but it was interesting to see how quickly those "campaign promises" fell by the wayside!

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Getting married suddenly gives you great insight as soon as you step off that altar? Ummm.... Sounds good...

 

And how's that workin' for ya?

 

Why are you after me? FWIW, I've been married to my husband much longer than you've been with your BF.

 

The thread is about MARITAL boundaries. BF/GF boundaries are not the same thing.

 

Holy crap, lady!