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At a loss with my relationship right now.


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Old 26th December 2017, 12:28 PM   #1
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At a loss with my relationship right now.

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now. In our relationship, there were ups and downs. Today, happened to be a down and now I'm seriously considering our relationship.

I've asked him to go to this Christmas place with me to be in the festive mood. I love Christmas and the festive feels. And, we've always been hanging at his house cos he's always tired over the weekends due to work and travelling long distance to his workplace.

And I've been wanting to visit this place for a long time, I've been asking him for the past few years and he said, it's too packed and he'll bring me maybe the next year. So we kept pushing back, and we decided to go today. I even asked him if he is really okay with going, he said yes.

So we went, and everything was fine until people cut his queue, pushed and bumped into us. He went bersark after we collected our food. I thought okay, he needed a space to cool down. So we went to find a seat nearby and sat down to eat our food. Then I told him, cool down okay, control your anger. Then he took the food, shoved it into my mouth and said " Shut up, eat the ****ing chicken meatball." I was shocked, because he actually scolded me with vulgarities 2 months before, he said he won't do it again. But he did it today. Then he went on a full rampage on how screwed up this event was.

He was angry all the way back, and we sat down to have a talk. Long story short, he was angry with me. And that when we were waiting for his bus, I cried a little thinking about today's events, then he pulled my ear and said why am I crying?

Now, he just texted "ok gd night". I don't know what to do with this, I know this is partly my fault, and I am aware of his anger management issues. I don't know if this pulling my ear is consider an abuse, he just slightly pulled my ear. But I am very scared, what initially was just verbal and cursing at me, now is starting to become physical. I don't know if you'd call this physical?

Please help

He's amazing other than this
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:36 PM   #2
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Not everybody likes holidays & crowds. When the happy jolly Christmas loving people try to shove Christmas magic on us, we don't like it. My husband also hate crowds so I have to very careful & selective when asking to go to crowded things

However, your guy crossed into unacceptable physical violence with you. That would be a deal breaker for me. It doesn't matter that somebody cut in line or bumped into him, he had no right to shove a meatball in your face. I'd be moving my stuff out now, not typing on the internet. He has now crossed lines twice. Don't let him do it a 3rd time. Don't be a victim.
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:37 PM   #3
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Get out, now. Before this goes any further, and while you still can. No man should be treating you like this or being physically aggressive towards you in any way.
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:39 PM   #4
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He shoved food in your mouth, pulled your ear and has anger management issues.

This behaviour will escalate.

I am not of the general Love shack mind that all relationship problems require leaving a partner. But this guy has started down the path of physical violence. Sooner or later he will hit you.

Honey, I've been here. I know that you won't leave him because I tell you to, but this will escalate.

You need to tell a real life friend about this. Because you need there to be evidence in case you ever have to go to the police.
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:41 PM   #5
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This man physically assaulted you twice in one day because he was doing something he didn't want to do, something reasonable you've been asking for for years.

He sounds like a ticking time bomb.
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:42 PM   #6
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Yes, what he did was abuse! Not just pulling your ear but shoving food in your mouth...how dare he do that. Absolutely nothing you did justified that behavior. It is NOT your fault. Please reach out to your family and friends for their support as you need to end this relationship ASAP. And please find a counselor or therapist to help you realize that this behavior is always unacceptable and an immediate dealbreaker for any relationship. It should never ever be tolerated.
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:47 PM   #7
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Physical violence is never acceptable. I would end it today.

I'm sorry.
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:53 PM   #8
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Please END THIS TODAY. As a person who experienced a physical abusive relationship...this will only be the beginning. They apologize, things are ok for awhile, then they do it again...the cycle starts and it never stops until you leave them.

If you don't leave you just accepted their behavior, and it will continue.

Again please...I urge you to end this TODAY.
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Old 26th December 2017, 1:58 PM   #9
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Dear all,

thanks for your replies! I've had a long chat with my sister and mum. I've told them about what happened.

What happened today was a red flag for me so I decided to bring this up. They've advised me to talk to him about all these things and see how things go. But they're telling me what you guys have been telling me.

Honestly, this was not the first time. He did it once a couple of weeks back when he called me to rant about his work and I said something which I cannot remember. And he said, what the **** are you talking about? Why are you even ****ing think of that. So from then, I've been wanting to end off this relationship with him. Like many of you all said, he came back and apologized. But today happend again.

I'll update you all when I've talked to him about it.
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Old 26th December 2017, 2:35 PM   #10
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I'm glad your mom & sister are in your corner.

Be safe when you speak to him.
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Old 26th December 2017, 2:55 PM   #11
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Hi Fixandfix,

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship troubles.

My girlfriend used to date a guy like this, in fact he was one of my dearest friends. As much as he promised to work on his anger issues (they were really abandonment issues), he never really got the help he needed.

My friend loved this woman with all his heart but...

...until he resolved his anger issues, he would continue to verbally abuse her when he lost his ****. She finally ended things with him and when he got sick, she took care of him until he passed (she is one of the strongest most loving women I have ever met).

She always tells me how amazing John (not his real name) was to her and as my friend I know he was amazing with her...

...except...

...for the verbal abuse, from his anger issues.

Until your guy works out his anger issues, he will continue to act this way and in many cases he will blame you for it. (Unfair to you)

You need to sit him down and gently, compassionately and lovingly tell him that his anger is becoming an issue and he needs to get help.

If he can't(not ready) or won't(not ready) then you need to make some hard decisions about your relationship and whether you want to be his whipping girl as that is probably what will happen.

Your guy may be amazing in every other area just like my friend John, but, no one in a "loving" relationship should ever endure abuse from their partner. If there is abuse it's a problem.

It can be healed if he's willing to do the work (very hard to do this kind of work alone) and ONLY if he's willing to do the work. Otherwise the abuse will continue and most probably get worse.

Sending you much love and light
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Old 26th December 2017, 4:54 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fixandfix View Post
Dear all,

thanks for your replies! I've had a long chat with my sister and mum. I've told them about what happened.

What happened today was a red flag for me so I decided to bring this up. They've advised me to talk to him about all these things and see how things go. But they're telling me what you guys have been telling me.

Honestly, this was not the first time. He did it once a couple of weeks back when he called me to rant about his work and I said something which I cannot remember. And he said, what the **** are you talking about? Why are you even ****ing think of that. So from then, I've been wanting to end off this relationship with him. Like many of you all said, he came back and apologized. But today happend again.

I'll update you all when I've talked to him about it.
This was not the first time and neither will it be the last one. Once he found out that he can get away with this kind of behaviour, he'll continue to disrespect and abuse you in this way. Even if he apologizes, he knows that you take his crap and forgive the unforgivable, therefore you'll continue to put up with it in the future as well. You allow it to happen by not walking out the door the very first time he acts like that.
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Old 26th December 2017, 5:34 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fixandfix View Post
I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now. In our relationship, there were ups and downs. Today, happened to be a down and now I'm seriously considering our relationship.

I've asked him to go to this Christmas place with me to be in the festive mood. I love Christmas and the festive feels. And, we've always been hanging at his house cos he's always tired over the weekends due to work and travelling long distance to his workplace.

And I've been wanting to visit this place for a long time, I've been asking him for the past few years and he said, it's too packed and he'll bring me maybe the next year. So we kept pushing back, and we decided to go today. I even asked him if he is really okay with going, he said yes.

So we went, and everything was fine until people cut his queue, pushed and bumped into us. He went bersark after we collected our food. I thought okay, he needed a space to cool down. So we went to find a seat nearby and sat down to eat our food. Then I told him, cool down okay, control your anger. Then he took the food, shoved it into my mouth and said " Shut up, eat the ****ing chicken meatball." I was shocked, because he actually scolded me with vulgarities 2 months before, he said he won't do it again. But he did it today. Then he went on a full rampage on how screwed up this event was.

He was angry all the way back, and we sat down to have a talk. Long story short, he was angry with me. And that when we were waiting for his bus, I cried a little thinking about today's events, then he pulled my ear and said why am I crying?

Now, he just texted "ok gd night". I don't know what to do with this, I know this is partly my fault, and I am aware of his anger management issues. I don't know if this pulling my ear is consider an abuse, he just slightly pulled my ear. But I am very scared, what initially was just verbal and cursing at me, now is starting to become physical. I don't know if you'd call this physical?

Please help

He's amazing other than this
Wait. What? Nothing was your fault. Not partly. Not at all. The fact that you are starting to (partly) blame yourself for your boyfriends unacceptable behaviour tells me that you might be heading down a bad path.

Im not an expert; but its textbook for women with abusive partners to a) blame themselves and b) excuse his behaviour, because; he really is an amazing guy.
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Old 26th December 2017, 7:28 PM   #14
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Updates: he wants to meet to have a talk. I don't know whats going to happen, but I'll update you guys after the talk. Thanks for the help everyone
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Old 26th December 2017, 7:38 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fixandfix View Post
Updates: he wants to meet to have a talk. I don't know whats going to happen, but I'll update you guys after the talk. Thanks for the help everyone

I'm hoping your talk will be somewhere public, so you're safe.
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