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She is perfect, but I don't feel anything? Thoughts?


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Old 12th October 2017, 2:27 PM   #31
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Speaking as someone who's been in a relationship with a cheating manipulative partner I can tell you it's very hard to get butterfly feelings there's always that wall up of question.....what is this person really end up being like once you know each other?

It could take you twice the amount of time to start feeling that way about someone maybe even a year or longer, people who have had that past experience in a relationship get super cautious with their hearts we don't jump as fast anymore.
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Old 12th October 2017, 2:27 PM   #32
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9 months and no i love you?

Get out and set her free
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Old 12th October 2017, 4:16 PM   #33
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You are in no way a healthy partner to be. Get into therapy to become a healthy partner. Till then, stay single.
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Old 16th October 2017, 11:35 AM   #34
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I feel I am at the same place as the woman in your current relationship...

I care about my bf a lot, treat him well, communicate rationally, wish him a good time when he hangs out with his buddies or family... while with his ex, they constantly got into fights, they smash their phones and threw them into toilet, his ex threatened to hurt him physically, left home in the middle of night just to get him worried, cut her wrist, and forbade him to contact his best friend... but when we are together, he still brings up things with his ex, sometimes I feel like he intentionally brings things up.. like once I wanted to go to a makeup store and he said his ex never do makeup ... hehehe I feel in his mind I am drama-free thus quite boring.

But I am by no means boring. I am adventurous, have a lot of cool friends, have tons of hobbies, always up to learning new stuff. I am just reasonable and treat people well. I am also attractive. So OP, I bet your girl can feel your lack of interest. Hope you set her free. This relationship does no good to either of you.

As for me, I am 6 months in and still observing my bf's behavior. I understand it takes time to get over an ex, but if whatever I do still reminds him of his past, I am going to let him go.

Last edited by jennyanydot; 16th October 2017 at 11:39 AM..
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Old 16th October 2017, 12:22 PM   #35
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Originally Posted by jennyanydot View Post
I feel I am at the same place as the woman in your current relationship...

I care about my bf a lot, treat him well, communicate rationally, wish him a good time when he hangs out with his buddies or family... while with his ex, they constantly got into fights, they smash their phones and threw them into toilet, his ex threatened to hurt him physically, left home in the middle of night just to get him worried, cut her wrist, and forbade him to contact his best friend... but when we are together, he still brings up things with his ex, sometimes I feel like he intentionally brings things up.. like once I wanted to go to a makeup store and he said his ex never do makeup ... hehehe I feel in his mind I am drama-free thus quite boring.

But I am by no means boring. I am adventurous, have a lot of cool friends, have tons of hobbies, always up to learning new stuff. I am just reasonable and treat people well. I am also attractive. So OP, I bet your girl can feel your lack of interest. Hope you set her free. This relationship does no good to either of you.

As for me, I am 6 months in and still observing my bf's behavior. I understand it takes time to get over an ex, but if whatever I do still reminds him of his past, I am going to let him go.
You right you know.. They break their cell phones and toss it in the toilet out of rage oh my..
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Old 16th October 2017, 12:24 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by soconfused89 View Post
Hi everyone.

Ive been seeing this girl for some time now, and she is amazing.
She is kind, caring, she is there for me whenever I need it. She is positive, she has a great sense of humour, she makes me laugh, she is warm, she has a heart of gold, extremely attractive and beautiful (people always tell me I'm "punching above my weight") we have similar interests, similar goals in life, religious values, moral values. We get along so well, she supports me through everything. I have an anxiety disorder, and she has patiently every single time supported me through all my worries.

She is the only person in this world I can talk to about ANYTHING. It gets tough sometimes being able to talk about things when you are a man, theres a certain expectation of how you should be...but with her, Im not embarrassed to tell her anything. She treats me amazingly, she loves me..and she has genuinely been there for me through my darkest time. She's been there when I was ill, poor, depressed...and much more. I cannot fault her. My family and friends love her and she treats them very well. She's got her life together.

However, the problem is, I don't feel that euphoric "butterflies in the stomach, amazing spark" kind of feeling. I do feel that occasionally, sometimes it comes and sometimes it goes. I really do not understand why! The only thing that "puts me off" is that she is petite (5'2 and I am 6'0). It sometimes makes me feel like others think we look strange together (typical thoughts due to my anxiety). Other than that, there is nothing I can fault.

I don't want to lose her, but at the same time I don't want to keep her around to be selfish. I don't know if my thoughts are valid or not...I want the feelings to get stronger. I know I'm never going to find someone like her. She is genuinely my best friend. I feel SAFE with her, and its such a huge thing for me. I just don't understand why I don't feel MORE. I feel like if I leave her, I'm going to make the biggest mistake Ive ever made..I just don't know!

Before her, I was with a woman who I felt SO STRONGLY for. I was head over heels, I always felt the spark, butterflies, fireworks! However, it turned out to be the most damaging relationship ever. It actually made me ill. She was abusive, manipulative, she lied in every sentence, cheated on me with 10 others, had multiple relationships at once, she made me BEG for the truth, she tortured me, I would be on the floor crying (I barely ever cry) and she would laugh in my face and call me a psychopath.
It horrifies me that I felt so strongly for my ex, who was evil...but I can't for someone who has the most beautiful heart in the world and could hurt a soul.

What do I do...Please advice, Please help.. I think about this all the time and it gets to me so much..
She's just your hangout buddy! Nothing else just friends..
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Old 16th October 2017, 12:27 PM   #37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jennyanydot View Post
I feel I am at the same place as the woman in your current relationship...

I care about my bf a lot, treat him well, communicate rationally, wish him a good time when he hangs out with his buddies or family... while with his ex, they constantly got into fights, they smash their phones and threw them into toilet, his ex threatened to hurt him physically, left home in the middle of night just to get him worried, cut her wrist, and forbade him to contact his best friend... but when we are together, he still brings up things with his ex, sometimes I feel like he intentionally brings things up.. like once I wanted to go to a makeup store and he said his ex never do makeup ... hehehe I feel in his mind I am drama-free thus quite boring.

But I am by no means boring. I am adventurous, have a lot of cool friends, have tons of hobbies, always up to learning new stuff. I am just reasonable and treat people well. I am also attractive. So OP, I bet your girl can feel your lack of interest. Hope you set her free. This relationship does no good to either of you.

As for me, I am 6 months in and still observing my bf's behavior. I understand it takes time to get over an ex, but if whatever I do still reminds him of his past, I am going to let him go.
Sounds like he is still hung up on his ex so there is no room in his heart to really "see" who you are or appreciate you.
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Old 16th October 2017, 1:45 PM   #38
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You can't choose who you fall in love with. Thats why so many people break up with the person who is just so "perfect". Its not about who's perfect, its about who you get emotionally involved with. The quality of the person unfortunately has nothing to do with that.
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Old 16th October 2017, 6:18 PM   #39
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A little update..
I flew out with my girlfriend this weekend. It was the first time I flew on an airplane in 10 years due to a horrible experience in the past. My girlfriend calmed me down the whole flight and made me feel safe. She was my rock through an experience that scares the life out of me and has for the past 10 years. She also pushed me to go on the flight as she says she wants me to be able to travel and experience things. It was only because she was with me I did it because I trust her so much.

I donít know if I can let someone like her go. Sheís everything anyone would want. And she is NOT boring or Ďtoo niceí I feel like itís something in my brain that is stopping me from loving her.

Some of you have mentioned that you canít really decide who you love and it just happens, but the big problem with me is that every girl I have truly fallen for have ended up treating me awfully. And the girls who have been nice to me... I lose interest. Is this normal?

I would also like some advice on if you all think love and feelings can grow with time rather than it happening instantly?

Thank you for all your replies guys, I think khendake and Kamille were on point with their replies as my anxiety plays a big part in my life. I always think negatively and about the worse outcome. I never thought it played a role in mu relationships but maybe it does? Anyone have experience with anxiety and relationships? Or similar experience? Would love to get more insight as Iím extremely confused...
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Old 16th October 2017, 6:26 PM   #40
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What was your upbringing like?
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Old 24th October 2017, 8:01 AM   #41
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Originally Posted by soconfused89 View Post
A little update..
I flew out with my girlfriend this weekend. It was the first time I flew on an airplane in 10 years due to a horrible experience in the past. My girlfriend calmed me down the whole flight and made me feel safe. She was my rock through an experience that scares the life out of me and has for the past 10 years. She also pushed me to go on the flight as she says she wants me to be able to travel and experience things. It was only because she was with me I did it because I trust her so much.

I donít know if I can let someone like her go. Sheís everything anyone would want. And she is NOT boring or Ďtoo niceí I feel like itís something in my brain that is stopping me from loving her.

Some of you have mentioned that you canít really decide who you love and it just happens, but the big problem with me is that every girl I have truly fallen for have ended up treating me awfully. And the girls who have been nice to me... I lose interest. Is this normal?

I would also like some advice on if you all think love and feelings can grow with time rather than it happening instantly?

Thank you for all your replies guys, I think khendake and Kamille were on point with their replies as my anxiety plays a big part in my life. I always think negatively and about the worse outcome. I never thought it played a role in mu relationships but maybe it does? Anyone have experience with anxiety and relationships? Or similar experience? Would love to get more insight as Iím extremely confused...
I read the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment. That's really helped me understand how I let avoidance guide my love life. To sum up quickly: there are 3 attachment styles. Most people are secure, but others are anxious or avoidant. Avoidants suppress feelings of love and fail to notice them. They struggle to stay in healthy relationships and tend to prefer tumultuous ones (which allows them to keep one foot out the door). Basically, as you say, it's something in the brain - fortunately something the authors say can change with time and patience.
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Old 24th October 2017, 3:32 PM   #42
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Your girlfriend sounds absolutely amazing. A girl like that is truly rare. If things don't work out between you two, can you pm me her contact info?
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Old 25th October 2017, 11:02 AM   #43
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Brother,

I feel your confusion, I know exactly what you're going through. (Cliche on this site I know).

To put that in context, I fell in love hard for a woman (Ex 1) about 2 years ago, ended it just over a year ago... it didn't even last a full year. I thought I'd fallen in love before, I hadn't. Its' abrupt ending absolutely BROKE me (why I found this website like so many others here). Like your ex-relationship, I was emotionally traumatized in lieu of another phrase. I worshipped her, did everthing she asked, gave more than she ever intended to, took abuse as 'banter' ... she told me about other men that were more 'ripped' than I... whom she could 'have'. I don't know if she is a 'narcissist' but she certainly had traits of one. Like others have said, i imagine I was 'addicted' to her and the drama of it. Relationships shouldn't be so easy to throw away when an innocent man's heart is on the table.

I was infatuated/in love... (Donnivan is right... I think about infatuation)

It broke me... then my mum got cancer.

If it was possible to break even more I did - suicide thoughts came to the fore... (extreme level of emotional stress - relationships can be dangerous). More pain = more time healing. I'm not 100% there - hence why I keep women I date at arm's length for now...

THEN:

Enter my 'English version' of your nice girl... my ex 2 (you can see where this is going).

She was sweet, she was beautiful (in reality better than ex 1), petite, caring, career driven - literally the 'wifey' list.

BUT I couldn't let myself get the 'feels'. It just didn't happen, no matter how much I tried to let her in. No matter the activities, fun, lists of positives. I was honest with her about the relationship before, how I was treated, ways in which i was broken. She tried to fix me, she couldn't. She wanted to make me feel special, she was very available (albeit a lot of men chase her-she always told me about them in a non-competitive way to show she was loyal).

She was a proper catch mate, just like your current ms.

It caused me so much anxiety in me that I wasn't familiar with. I had a beautiful woman that loved me (really honestly loved me - in truth Ex1 never did). Yet nothing I told myself, nor what my friends told me about regretting it, or threads on loveshack... could help. We lasted 8-9 months as well, I ended it the day we got back from a 'last chance' holiday back in June. I felt bad for a month, she hurt for a couple months more. I regret hurting her and I had no wish to. She was a 'rebound' but in truth a rebound that most likely saved my life. I have nothing but good feeling towards her and I hope one day when i'm whole again we meet again.

That's why you're here... you're looking for some 'eureka' advice that's going to suddenly let your heart open it's defenses to this girl.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news mate. But this girl doesn't have the key to your fortified heart much alike my Ex2 didn't have the key to mine.

It is really going to suck and you're going to wonder 'what if' for a while. BUT what I'd say is after you've ended it, learn the lessons whilst you properly heal so that when you are ready, find that someone in the future that catches your eye... you know what personality you want to see. There's lessons to learn from this.

I read an article on huffpost about love, apparently, you have 3 loves in your life.

1. Breaks You - it's toxic, naive and all-encompassing. (Fireworks on NYE).
2. Heals You - it's supportive, educational, enlightening.
3. Makes Your - lasts thereafter

F**k know what happens if that one goes wrong.. but i'm 2 'loves' down in 2 years... been catching up haha.

Anyway .. my point is you're going to have to let her go. I imagine a few months later you'll feel more yourself and at peace with life as I am.

Hope that helps you in some way..

ps. read my past threads if you don't believe me... the similarities are quite scary.
pps. How old are you? Was the nasty ex a first love?
ppps. It's probably going to take longer than you want to heal - as it has my heart.. I don't think you are ever really the same again.
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Old 25th October 2017, 11:19 AM   #44
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I think you should let her go. Seems you need drama to feel excited and happy. So, maybe you aren’t ready for a relationship. Do you know how many guys would love to be with a beautiful, nice and supportive woman? It’s not fair to her to waste her time when someone else would love her. It’s not anxiety or any other excuse. You are selfish if you keep dating her. You just don’t want to let her go because she’s great, but you don’t even have strong feelings for her? You said every woman you loved treated you bad, so you should know it’s not good to lead someone on..

Last edited by BlueIvy; 25th October 2017 at 11:23 AM..
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Old 25th October 2017, 11:29 AM   #45
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Originally Posted by BrokenHeartedMan89 View Post
Brother,

I feel your confusion, I know exactly what you're going through. (Cliche on this site I know).

To put that in context, I fell in love hard for a woman (Ex 1) about 2 years ago, ended it just over a year ago... it didn't even last a full year. I thought I'd fallen in love before, I hadn't. Its' abrupt ending absolutely BROKE me (why I found this website like so many others here). Like your ex-relationship, I was emotionally traumatized in lieu of another phrase. I worshipped her, did everthing she asked, gave more than she ever intended to, took abuse as 'banter' ... she told me about other men that were more 'ripped' than I... whom she could 'have'. I don't know if she is a 'narcissist' but she certainly had traits of one. Like others have said, i imagine I was 'addicted' to her and the drama of it. Relationships shouldn't be so easy to throw away when an innocent man's heart is on the table.

I was infatuated/in love... (Donnivan is right... I think about infatuation)

It broke me... then my mum got cancer.

If it was possible to break even more I did - suicide thoughts came to the fore... (extreme level of emotional stress - relationships can be dangerous). More pain = more time healing. I'm not 100% there - hence why I keep women I date at arm's length for now...

THEN:

Enter my 'English version' of your nice girl... my ex 2 (you can see where this is going).

She was sweet, she was beautiful (in reality better than ex 1), petite, caring, career driven - literally the 'wifey' list.

BUT I couldn't let myself get the 'feels'. It just didn't happen, no matter how much I tried to let her in. No matter the activities, fun, lists of positives. I was honest with her about the relationship before, how I was treated, ways in which i was broken. She tried to fix me, she couldn't. She wanted to make me feel special, she was very available (albeit a lot of men chase her-she always told me about them in a non-competitive way to show she was loyal).

She was a proper catch mate, just like your current ms.

It caused me so much anxiety in me that I wasn't familiar with. I had a beautiful woman that loved me (really honestly loved me - in truth Ex1 never did). Yet nothing I told myself, nor what my friends told me about regretting it, or threads on loveshack... could help. We lasted 8-9 months as well, I ended it the day we got back from a 'last chance' holiday back in June. I felt bad for a month, she hurt for a couple months more. I regret hurting her and I had no wish to. She was a 'rebound' but in truth a rebound that most likely saved my life. I have nothing but good feeling towards her and I hope one day when i'm whole again we meet again.

That's why you're here... you're looking for some 'eureka' advice that's going to suddenly let your heart open it's defenses to this girl.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news mate. But this girl doesn't have the key to your fortified heart much alike my Ex2 didn't have the key to mine.

It is really going to suck and you're going to wonder 'what if' for a while. BUT what I'd say is after you've ended it, learn the lessons whilst you properly heal so that when you are ready, find that someone in the future that catches your eye... you know what personality you want to see. There's lessons to learn from this.

I read an article on huffpost about love, apparently, you have 3 loves in your life.

1. Breaks You - it's toxic, naive and all-encompassing. (Fireworks on NYE).
2. Heals You - it's supportive, educational, enlightening.
3. Makes Your - lasts thereafter

F**k know what happens if that one goes wrong.. but i'm 2 'loves' down in 2 years... been catching up haha.

Anyway .. my point is you're going to have to let her go. I imagine a few months later you'll feel more yourself and at peace with life as I am.

Hope that helps you in some way..

ps. read my past threads if you don't believe me... the similarities are quite scary.
pps. How old are you? Was the nasty ex a first love?
ppps. It's probably going to take longer than you want to heal - as it has my heart.. I don't think you are ever really the same again.

I've read some of your threads and it says the last girl you dated you weren't attracted to, had to explain/defend jokes to, and couldn't keep "it" up with. Is that a diff girl? I feel like people aren't being rly honest with themselves and are just trying to put a bandaid over a bullet wound after a break up by jumping into something with the next loving girl
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