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She is perfect, but I don't feel anything? Thoughts?


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Old 11th October 2017, 6:34 AM   #16
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My boyfriend is 6'3 and I am 5'4. I love that he is so tall and he loves that I am so petite. It makes him feel protective over me and it makes me feel safe with him. Tall and strong guys are hot

Anyway, it is sad that you don't feel this way for such a wonderful girl, but if the spark isn't there, the spark isn't there. How long have you guys been together now!? How do you know she loves you. Has she told you? Have you told her that you love her? How is the sex?

I dated a guy last year who I had amazing chemistry with. We were almost the same person, we had so much in common. We liked the same movies, music, humor, we could talk about almost anything. But he didn't feel that spark. I have to admit he was 33 and before me, he was in a relationship with a girl for four years (!), and he did not love her. He told me that he felt more for me than for her, but he was still searching for a kind of love that he once had when he was in his early 20s, with his first girlfriend. I think he compared everything with her.

Now we actually have become quite close friends, and he's telling me he regrets that he didn't try more with me, because he feels like he let a good one go. I still think we wouldn't have been happy together, but I am a person who also only goes for the "all or nothing" kind of relationship. The one where I feel head over heels, butterflies everywhere.
These kind of loves are rare, though. I had a few of them, and they were all very destructive. Just like yours.
But now, I am with someone who makes me feel like heaven and we are in a very healthy relationship. Full of mutual respect and admiration, full of love and excitement.
I am now 30. He's 38. We are not the youngest anymore. And yet we found each other, like perfect puzzle pieces.

You don't have to settle, ever. The right one will be out there. And she will make you feel like you've never loved before.

But,.. for that to happen, you need to be honest with yourself now, and also with your current girl.

Last edited by heavenonearth; 11th October 2017 at 6:38 AM..
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Old 11th October 2017, 6:41 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by soconfused89 View Post
Cookiesanddough:
She wasn’t evil from the start.
She was mysterious, intriguing..sexual.

Her true personality appeared towards the end of our relationship, that’s when I found out about all her lies and games. I never used to tell her about my personal stuff in life, never about anything deep. She never knew about my anxiety.. which is a big part of my life.
Yeah...that tends to happen. . . I am sorry. She sounds terrible.


"She was mysterious, intriguing..sexual." ....This might be what gets you going vs predictable, sweet, innocent...? Maybe someone taller too? I don't know. I would not keep dating this girl if you are having doubts, though. It's just not fair to her imo


Maybe you would consider counseling as well to work out the residual emotions and rage you feel about last rship
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Old 11th October 2017, 6:43 AM   #18
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She’s told me she loves me. I couldn’t say it back. We’ve been together for 9 months. She’s great sexually. Really loving too. I love cuddling and clingy women lol and she is that. She’s anything I would ever want in someone. I would want my children to have her as a morher.
Maybe she’s ‘too available’?

I don’t want to lose her and later on think that I wasn’t realistic. The friends who I can talk to about these things tell me that those butterflies don’t last forever, and that you develop a more mature love. They all have good healthy relationships. A lot of them said, if I let her go.. I will regret it. And I will probably want her back because she’s not available. I’m just so confused. I don’t want to be unfair. I just don’t know if I should try more.
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Old 11th October 2017, 6:49 AM   #19
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Yeah...that tends to happen. . . I am sorry. She sounds terrible.


"She was mysterious, intriguing..sexual." ....This might be what gets you going vs predictable, sweet, innocent...? Maybe someone taller too? I don't know. I would not keep dating this girl if you are having doubts, though. It's just not fair to her imo


Maybe you would consider counseling as well to work out the residual emotions and rage you feel about last rship
She is terrible. She put me in a dark hole, some days I still feel like I’m there. Flashbacks and nightmares. She laughed in my face when I was crying on the floor. I’ve never weeped like that in my life. Her family was the same, they used to call me a psychopath. I feel damaged because of her. She made me feel special by ‘loving’ me, but I didn’t know she was ‘loving’ so many others at the same time. She had unprotected sex with me and someone else only hours between. She did this on many occasions. She put me at risk.
I want to be with someone who’s kind and caring as my girlfriend is now. She is amazing, I can’t even explain how kind she is. I wish so much that I loved her.. I don’t want to end up with a horrible person, and as Lattes4Days mentioned.. a horrible mother to my children.
I feel so broken.
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Old 11th October 2017, 7:06 AM   #20
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She is terrible. She put me in a dark hole, some days I still feel like I’m there. Flashbacks and nightmares. She laughed in my face when I was crying on the floor. I’ve never weeped like that in my life. Her family was the same, they used to call me a psychopath. I feel damaged because of her. She made me feel special by ‘loving’ me, but I didn’t know she was ‘loving’ so many others at the same time. She had unprotected sex with me and someone else only hours between. She did this on many occasions. She put me at risk.
I want to be with someone who’s kind and caring as my girlfriend is now. She is amazing, I can’t even explain how kind she is. I wish so much that I loved her.. I don’t want to end up with a horrible person, and as Lattes4Days mentioned.. a horrible mother to my children.
I feel so broken.
Damn that's terrible...Yea, it would definitely be good to talk this out someone since you've been carrying this with you for over 2 yrs. It's understandable though

---
Kind and caring should be a must, but that alone won't do it for you. The passion doesn't always fade for everyone. You can settle into comforting type of affection for this woman but I doubt it will get any more fulfilling than it is now. 9 months and you are still not in love...you probably won't. And I worry you will want to leave or be tempted to stray years on down the road
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Old 11th October 2017, 7:07 AM   #21
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Well it sounds like you have gone from one extreme to the other, maybe someone in the middle would be more to your liking. But if you re read your thread back she sounds amazing!!! If you don't want her let her go so some other lucky guy can have a chance with her and love her to her full potential! Your letting the physco win by still thinking of her and letting her effect you like this. I think butterfly's don't last forever but true love does.
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Old 11th October 2017, 7:08 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by soconfused89 View Post
She is terrible. She put me in a dark hole, some days I still feel like I’m there. Flashbacks and nightmares. She laughed in my face when I was crying on the floor. I’ve never weeped like that in my life. Her family was the same, they used to call me a psychopath. I feel damaged because of her. She made me feel special by ‘loving’ me, but I didn’t know she was ‘loving’ so many others at the same time. She had unprotected sex with me and someone else only hours between. She did this on many occasions. She put me at risk.
I want to be with someone who’s kind and caring as my girlfriend is now. She is amazing, I can’t even explain how kind she is. I wish so much that I loved her.. I don’t want to end up with a horrible person, and as Lattes4Days mentioned.. a horrible mother to my children.
I feel so broken.
Well but if it does not work with her because you don't love her, that does not immediately mean you will end up with a horrible mother for your children. You may meet someone else 2, 3, 5 years down the road who will give you all the butterflies and who is wonderful to you.
And who you love with all your heart.

It is possible you may realize what you lost if you break it off with your current gf. But I suggest you do that. For her sake.
She deserves someone who loves her to pieces.
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Old 11th October 2017, 7:15 AM   #23
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Could your assessment of your feelings be a result of your anxiety issue?

If you've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, that means you are prone to finding reasons to worry. It sounds like what you've found here is your lack of feeling. It's easier to be anxious then to face the fact you might feel you don't deserver a kind, loving, supportive partner.

If the ex was deceitful, you were likely always on edge. Your anxiety might have been about whether or not you were good enough for her. If so, she played right into your cognitive distortions.

This current partner offers love and support. If you do struggle with an anxiety disorder, it's very likely the anxiety will find another way to express itself around your relationship.

You mentioned in one post you sought support for your anxiety. If you do want to change your attachment patterns, it's a good idea to keep counselling. In the meantime, you could perhaps practice being thankful for the love you receive.
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Old 11th October 2017, 9:46 AM   #24
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Before her, I was with a woman who I felt SO STRONGLY for. I was head over heels, I always felt the spark, butterflies, fireworks! However, it turned out to be the most damaging relationship ever. It actually made me ill. She was abusive, manipulative, she lied in every sentence, cheated on me with 10 others, had multiple relationships at once, she made me BEG for the truth, she tortured me, I would be on the floor crying (I barely ever cry) and she would laugh in my face and call me a psychopath.
It horrifies me that I felt so strongly for my ex, who was evil...but I can't for someone who has the most beautiful heart in the world and could hurt a soul.
This is about how you equate love with pain.

Your ex brings you the pain you understand.

This new girl doesn't and that's why this perfect for you person isn't making the mark: you don't recognize her brand of love without all the drama .

The height issue is nit-picking and trying to pin fault somewhere, but, nah... doesn't wash, s0n.
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Old 12th October 2017, 5:08 AM   #25
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I think you feel this way because she is toooooo nice and available !!! I as a woman, like to be with nice & good men for sure but i like those men to be witty and smart in a way that make me feel attracted to them. As for your case, im sorry for having this confusion, I have been through this several times and i let go extremely nice guys but at the beginning of the dating phase. You didnt feel this attraction at the beginning so why you didnt let her go ? If you think you can love her with time stay with her but if you think you would never ever love her just care or respect her then dump her now.
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Old 12th October 2017, 6:08 AM   #26
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If you think about it, do you actually want to leave her? Can you imagine a life without her?

There are many different kinds of love. Just because it doesn't feel the same as with your ex, doesn't mean it's a bad thing.
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Old 12th October 2017, 8:07 AM   #27
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Unfortunately your picker got damaged.

You think that the spark & butterflies means something. It's just infatuation not love but somewhere along the way you got addicted to the drama. It was that drama that caused the sparks & butterflies but it was also what caused the pain & meanness.

Now that you have a lovely sane person who treats you well, you are confused because you are craving the bad stuff.

Make a list of all your GFs good qualities. Sit & brainstorm, free think. Put the big stuff on there & the little stuff like she makes a mean scrambled egg or something similarly trivial. Re-read your list periodically. If that doesn't re-wire your brain, also make a list of your EXs horrible qualities & the reasons you need to be apart. Read the lists together & make a conscious choice to pick the saner woman / relationship.

Real, true love is the solid safe feeling you get from a nurturing relationship
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Old 12th October 2017, 9:30 AM   #28
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To be frank, I’m still traumatised by my ex. She lives in the same very small town. I don’t have feelings for her. I just honestly hate her. She did the most horrible things to me and just moved on to someone else who she seems so happy with now.. and I can’t even seem to Love the amazing woman I am with. My ex made me unwell. I had to seek help. And what still bothers me is that I never got my revenge. I am not saying I would harm her, it’s just a feeling of injustice. Someone came in to my life and watched me fall apart, I nearly lost my job... yet she had no remorse. I’m left broken. I still have occasional nightmares about her, flashbacks and when I see her I feel sick..

This in bold was disturbing to read. You are simply not ready to be in a romantic relationship yet. Getting away from a bad relationship isn't enough, we need to heal and you have not. When we are over an abusive relationship we feel 'indifferent', we don't feel hate or injustice.

You will get over the abuse when you recognize YOUR part in what happened. I am saying that as someone who's been years in an abusive marriage. I did not deserve all of what my ex did but I was responsible 100% for allowing it in my life

You need to go back to therapy and understand why you accepted this abuse and you need to forgive yourself for allowing it to happen.

You need to break up with this woman, as amazing as she can be, you are only using her as a crutch.
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Old 12th October 2017, 11:31 AM   #29
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I think your current gf isn't enough of a challenge for you.
She makes you feel too safe.
Perhaps love with your exes or maybe even in childhood never felt safe or consistently provided, so it doesn't feel like love if you don't have to chase it, yearn for it.
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Old 12th October 2017, 2:16 PM   #30
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I just wanted to chime in here really quick, but I have NEVER heard a guy complain about a woman being petite. I am 5'3 and my boyfriend is 6'1. We fit great together and I get to wear high heels, which I could never do with my shorter ex. You can easily lift her and carry her anywhere - that's cute. She fits easily next to you when you two cuddle. She can get on her tippy toes to kiss you - that's also cute. My boyfriend loves to pick me up and toss me around like a bag of potatoes - it is so fun.
Ha! Reminds me of how I was with a very petite ex. Those were my exact thoughts and actions.

Hey wait a minute...do I know you?

I didn't understand that part of the OP's post either, but not everybody finds the same things attractive in the opposite sex so to each their own. If the spark isn't there then it just isn't there.
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