Stopped The OLDing

[WonderKid]

I'm actually one of those people who swore of OLDing and ended up going back at some point. This time I went for every one of them and shut them down. I cannot see the point of them. I grew up in a terrible area for a guy like me. Plus I almost see the same or same kind of women on there.

 

I just got tired of getting ignored. I know, OLDing can be what you make of it, but me personally I couldn't keep putting myself through that. Especially when I'd find a lady and we'll have many things in common, I give her a constructed reply, she looks at my profile and says not a word. She has the right; no reply is a reply.

 

Now I just stick to meeting women in public. No friend requests. No messages. Waiting to be replied to 20mins later. No walking on eggshells. No profile bios. No getting ignored (even though you can get ignored in public haha).

None of that.

 

I just go to some meetups or events or outside in general. OLDing is a big waste of time for me. I guess the reason I kept going is because I met my first GF online. So then I just used it forever.

 

I keep things like IG and Twitter but I don't think people actually date off those. FB of course. And this app called MeetMe which I keep just for the sheer entertainment.

[IfonlyIknew]

Yep same, I have never had a real relationship stick from OLD. I tried to have an open mind that "we are all people who get online, not everyone is crazy". I think OLD paints a slightly diverted picture that we subconsciously keep in mind and also the fact that if they p*ss us off or vice versa, hey I can put you right back on the shelf where I found you and pick another one just as easy. It's like a human recycle bin.

[VeveCakes]

I am taking a break from it....it has brought me nothing but BS and heartbreak lol

[Larryville]

As someone who has used OLD for a very long time, I think the biggest obstacle is that a good number of us have seriously inflated views of ourselves, looks, personality ect.

 

In addition the use of OLD leads to inflated expectations the can and will lead to major disappointments when daters meet in person. Once a flaw is spotted, the whole date is tainted.

 

Also fantasies vanishes with knowledge is a process that hits women harder than men because many men don’t reveal their true selves and women put more stock in the virtual dating world because they seek a “soul mate” whereas men are typically after a more casual relationship.

 

I have gotten to the point that I lay it all out there right from the start and that had kept me from being too disappointed in the long run. Maybe I reveal too much but doing so does save me time and money.

 

The more we participate in OLD “and fail” we go into each subsequent date “looking for issues.” It's not that familiarity always breeds contempt, but on average, as you learn more about any potential mate, the less likely it is that you will click and get along with them because we are likely to focus more on the faults of someone instead of the potential good qualities of someone.

 

Because of this I always only stay on any given site for a short period and take frequent breaks.

 

People should realize that the rules for online dating and real-world dating are the same. In the real world, you are accustomed to it being difficult to find people; you are accustomed to meeting people and not really clicking, and we can’t assume that because you log onto a Web site and there are all these options that it’s going to be any easier.

 

But bottom live for me is everyone needs to take a close hard look at themselves and ask honestly “why would someone want me in their life?” or would I date me?

How you look, how you act, your intelligence, communication skills, past baggage, honesty, integrity, mental and emotional health ect.

 

Tis why it is said here often you MUST work on yourself first before seeking anyone else. If OLD or ANY type of dating is not working YOU need to figure out what to change.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Plus I almost see the same or same kind of women on there.

 

Yep...When I took a year long break from POF, sometime back, I decided to return to see who was on. Same women that had ignored my emails a year ago.

 

That is quite telling of their unrealistic expectations or it could quite possibly be they are just not really serious about meeting people if they were on for that long.

[TheWhittler]

I have had relationships from OLD. I think if you go in with absolutely no expectations at all and just another way to meet people then it can work. If you get your hopes up too high or start over dramatising it all or are rebounding its not going to work...

[Michelle ma Belle]

I have a love/hate relationship with OLD. It's kind of a necessary evil for me because I don't get out a lot because of my job and family commitments, I don't hang out at bars or clubs and unfortunately I don't seem to cross paths with many men who are available never mind remotely my type. So OLD has it's purpose.

 

I think Larryville made some really good points especially the part about going on for short periods at a time and taking frequent breaks. I couldn't agree more.

 

I think I got a little too excited to be dating again and got a bit OLD gaga where I had profiles up on multiple sites at the same time back in the early years of my dating career only to realize how insane that was :/

 

Having been single and dating and doing OLD I've learned a few things and the biggest lesson of them all is that you MUST take it all with a grain of salt, have a LIFE outside and away from the computer and most importantly, TAKE frequent breaks to recharge and regroup.

Edited December 22, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[VeveCakes]

Yep...When I took a year long break from POF, sometime back, I decided to return to see who was on. Same women that had ignored my emails a year ago.

 

That is quite telling of their unrealistic expectations or it could quite possibly be they are just not really serious about meeting people if they were on for that long.

 

My therapist has a theory on this. She said most people in the dating pool are avoidant, so they cycle in and out because they never can maintain a healthy relationship. So sometimes you see new people and never see them again because they get into a relationship. Whereas the avoidants are always on a vicious cycle. Makes sense if you think about it.

[VeveCakes]

 

I think Larryville made some really good points especially the part about going on for short periods at a time and taking frequent breaks. I couldn't agree more.

 

I also think this is key... I've been off for a month and thinking in the new year might go back. The ironic thing is I have met some new people in person since then and I never EVER met people in person before...like ever and thats why I used OLD. So maybe it was stunting me somehow lol

[Larryville]

The main thing for me regarding OLD is every single woman I have ever “met” using OLD I would have NEVER met IRL, unless by pure accident or unusual circumstances.

 

I’m a person of color and frankly many of the women I met would NEVER be in any of my social circles, also lets say I’m somewhere and they are with their girlfriends it is likely that I would have no shot of meeting them because even though they might be receptive at meeting me they would not be sure how their friends/family would react initially. Does not make them “racist” or anything many are just more comfortable with familiarity. This is solely because of my skin color that is just real world reality.

 

So just being in a situation using OLD if they are willing and open to getting to know and meet me that MAJOR barrier has already been alleviated.

 

I met my second wife on OLD, she was this very successful, very high profile lawyer, how the heck would I have ever met someone like her if not for OLD?

[DK_Casus]

I'm 40 and I'm a guy.

 

Pretty much all of my relationships have been the result of OLD - and yet I've always had a fickle attitude towards it. I hate it most of the time - but I also recognise the good parts about it.

 

Most of my friends are now settled meaning I can't really use them for access to single women like I used to - and I don't go to bars or stuff like that.

 

My place of work is really just men, except for other departments.

 

I'm the sort of person who's very aware of what I want - and I have a hard time not focusing on it. This being love and intimacy right now.

 

I've spent the past 2 months with pure frustration because of OLD.

 

I'm actually better at it now and I have a reasonable amount of women "approach" me online - but the good ones are very rare, and the interactions don't seem to go anywhere.

 

I just spent two weeks focusing on this one girl who seemed to be a great match in most ways - and today I finally initiated the meet, and she tells me she's not interested.

 

WTF? Why spend two weeks talking back and forth, then?

 

It just seems such a massive waste of time..... until it doesn't.

 

I'm working out and I'm getting close to a body I'm happy with. So, I've decided to focus on my body and the other parts of my life for a few months.

 

However, I really don't know how the f**k to do without intimate contact for so long. It's already been 4 months since my breakup - and I'm tired of it.

 

I guess I just suck at being single.

[CobraX]

I had a great time with Online Dating. I think it's all about your attitude. Like Larryville said... it's a great way to meet people you otherwise would not. Don't take it too serious up front.

 

I do understand however if you put out tons of personally well crafted messages and get zero replies... that can seriously destroy your self esteem. That's only something guys have to worry about though. My friend is fat and ugly and she gets tons of guys hitting her up... so I think women just generally have an easier time with OLD.

[VeveCakes]

Yes there is plenty of interest for us women but the quality once you get to meet the men is severely low.

 

Like emotionally unavailable, unstable, or time wasters in my experience.

 

There are good ones out there, I just don't think in my region lol

[kendahke]

Yep...When I took a year long break from POF, sometime back, I decided to return to see who was on. Same women that had ignored my emails a year ago.

 

That is quite telling of their unrealistic expectations or it could quite possibly be they are just not really serious about meeting people if they were on for that long.

 

When I sign back on, I'm always stunned by the numbers of the same guys being on the site with the gall to act picky 3 years after I last signed in, so it's not only women at fault for profiles lingering long after someone else thinks they should.

[CobraX]

Yes there is plenty of interest for us women but the quality once you get to meet the men is severely low.

Like emotionally unavailable, unstable, or time wasters in my experience.

There are good ones out there, I just don't think in my region lol

 

I understand, but it's not the same. The feeling of constant rejection makes you want to jump off a bridge. Quality problems are very different.

 

I would imagine it like a woman from a wealthy country complaining about traffic to a woman from a poor country that has no food to eat.

[Larryville]

The feeling of constant rejection makes you want to jump off a bridge.

 

I’m thinking what exactly is “rejection” when it comes to OLD?

 

Someone not getting any messages?

 

Sending messages and not getting or never getting a reply?

 

Meeting (and liking someone) but they don’t like you back?

 

I’m thinking about this because on one dating site there is this woman who has been sending me flirts and brief messages for years, I’m not joking I have been off and on this site for maybe more than 4 years and every single time I get back on she sends me a “flirt” or a message and I have never responded to her EVER.

 

I wonder WTF does she message me when I have never responded to her in any way?

 

Am I “rejecting” her?

 

Am I wrong for not responding?

 

After being on OLD for so long I just developed the attitude of not responding. Done’ know if this is good or bad.

 

But back to question, I have sent messages to women and they did not respond but I don’t consider that a “rejection.” Heck to me even if they DID respond and say they are not interested I don't consider that a rejection because I don't know them, I never actually invested in them.

[CobraX]

I’m thinking what exactly is “rejection” when it comes to OLD?

Someone not getting any messages?

Sending messages and not getting or never getting a reply?

Meeting (and liking someone) but they don’t like you back?

Am I “rejecting” her?

Am I wrong for not responding?

After being on OLD for so long I just developed the attitude of not responding. Done’ know if this is good or bad.

 

I think that is a very powerful question. Let me quote OP

 

no reply is a reply.

 

He obviously feels as most poeple should that refusing to respond is a rejection. It's a soft rejection for sure... but it is still rejection none the less.

 

I can't tell you what to do about this particular lady, but for me if someone was persistent and I wasn't interested I would respect that persistence with a response.

 

Here is the thing people are very social animals and we need to feel valuable to somebody in order to be happy. People who get responses get to feel valued. People who get no responses like OP feel like they are not allowed to be part of the herd.

[Larryville]

I can't tell you what to do about this particular lady, but for me if someone was persistent and I wasn't interested I would respect that persistence with a response.

 

Here is the thing people are very social animals and we need to feel valuable to somebody in order to be happy. People who get responses get to feel valued. People who get no responses like OP feel like they are not allowed to be part of the herd.

 

Both good points, I guess as far as this woman is concerned my thinking is this, my profile is very clear about things I am not interested it, I’m not a “lister” but something as simple as having seriously outdated photos, a number of blurry photos for example. There are clearly things in her profile I state in mind that I'm not interested it. But bottom line she is seriously unattractive to me, my interest is less than zero, so I think are people that freaking clueless?

 

So when she keeps reaching out to me after all of these years I think I get more and more flabbergasted.

So as your statement if I had just said “not interested” years ago would I have saved her time and validation?

 

What is worse getting a “not interested” or not getting a response?

 

I’ve had countless women say that when they send a “not interested” dudes get belligerent, nutty because they don’t handle rejection well.

[butterfly84]

thank you for this post and the insight into OLD, as someone who has never tried/been interested in OLD i keep getting comments from friends that i should try it... however i think most of them are not people who have actually used it and are just trying to think of something to say to me. it's nice to have the perspectives of people who have used those sites and the pros and cons.

[VeveCakes]

I understand, but it's not the same. The feeling of constant rejection makes you want to jump off a bridge. Quality problems are very different.

 

I would imagine it like a woman from a wealthy country complaining about traffic to a woman from a poor country that has no food to eat.

 

ummmmm I don't know. Guys who all say they want a relationship and then date you and then ghost you after a month. And it's not just me, all my friends... It's really hurtful to have the constant fake pulled on you.

[DK_Casus]

ummmmm I don't know. Guys who all say they want a relationship and then date you and then ghost you after a month. And it's not just me, all my friends... It's really hurtful to have the constant fake pulled on you.

 

Fakes can be spotted a mile away with open eyes.

[VeveCakes]

Fakes can be spotted a mile away with open eyes.

 

oh yeah, we are all just a bunch of blind dummies.

[DK_Casus]

oh yeah, we are all just a bunch of blind dummies.

 

That, or you're just deliberately not listening to yourselves - because you want to connect with someone.

 

Key is to look for consistent behaviour and a correlation between words and actions.

[VeveCakes]

That, or you're just deliberately not listening to yourselves - because you want to connect with someone.

 

Key is to look for consistent behavior and a correlation between words and actions.

 

I think the correlation is fairly obvious once they ghost....its only after like a month in. After they go on and on about how much they are into you, want a relationship blah blah blah.

 

You can't have your wall up all the time or you will never let people in. How about instead of blaming us the men stop lying to us and themselves. (Im only saying men because thats what I date).

[hermitcrab]

I've stopped this too. I did online dating because I have a social anxiety problem and find it difficult to meet and talk to new people, but you know what it's not worth it anymore. The guys I've gotten into relationships with from online dating sites did not treat me well at all. Plus, it's annoying dealing with sexual harassment on those sites.

 

I'd rather meet in person, even if it happened to be at a bar (not that I necessarily want that), I still think that's a step up from a dating site (the free ones at least).