Wants me to love his daughter

[lacoqueta]

Hello Everyone,

 

 

I'm looking to see what others think about my situation and to hopefully help me better understand. I'm currently engaged to the man I've been dating for a year and a half. I bought a house in his town and we moved in together over the summer. I'm 32, no kids, never been married. He's 35, divorced, and has an 8 year old daughter.

 

 

We got into a huge fight the other day over my feelings towards his daughter. I care about her, I don't feel love for her though. She is a wonderful little girl, sweet, intelligent, happy, no behavior issues. I feel lucky to have her as a stepdaughter. We split her with his ex wife 50/50 every week. They are both wonderful parents to her. They shower her with affection and attention. I do everything that is physically needed to fill in as "mommy" when she's with us. The problem is that the desire to want to be involved in everything she does is not there for me. I attend activities but it's not a voluntary thing, it's because I'm going with her Dad. I've never said I'm NOT going, I just don't do much that involves me coming up with ideas that involve me spending time with her. I just do what is presented to me.

 

 

So her dad asked me if I loved his daughter and if I was going to treat her like my own. I answered by saying that I care about her but that those "love" feelings aren't there. He then asked, "if we have a child one day, are you going to love that child more?" I said that I have no idea what it's like to have a biological child but I would assume that "yes, I will love that child more". Then he asked if I would treat that child better and be more emotionally invested in my own child. I answered that I can't imagine how I wouldn't. I always figured that I would be conscious of doing my best to treat them the same but deep down, I just can't see myself feeling the same for both of them. That child is going to love me and always gravitate towards me because I'm the mother. She has a mother that she will always choose first and I'm perfectly fine with that.

 

 

Everything went straight to hell after that. He told me that we can't get married if that's going to be the case. He said he doesn't want his daughter being raised in a house where the Stepmother is giving their child more emotional attention and affection. I was stunned! Maybe I don't understand but I can't see why he isn't happy with how things are between his daughter and I. He said that there will be no talk of marriage plans until I "love" his daughter. He then began to cite examples of people we know that love their step daughters. Each example was of certain men we know that entered a relationship where the woman has a daughter. I don't know if it's because I'm a woman but I know that in each case he cited, these Men are practically the ONLY father figure these girls have. Their real dads are either deadbeats or live so far away that they only see their kid once a year.

 

 

I would really love some feedback because I feel so angry right now and find myself feeling resentment towards his daughter and this isn't her fault.

[Tbisb74]

I have to say I am completely sympathetic with you on this. His demand is at best, unreasonable, and at worst, outrageous. The child has both parents. How can he expect you to love someone who is non blood relation at all, in the same way her mother does. I think I may be wrong to suggest this (others may agree with my suggestion or say it's madness) but is there any way you can approach the mother about this and discuss your feelings of anxiety with her? I think, woman to woman, she would completely understand where you are coming from, and maybe even speak up on your behalf. I know it may sound crazy, but I don't know how things are between you and her... But I certainly would never expect my ex's wife or GF to feel about my children the same way. It's honestly impossible and I think he is being completely unreasonable. Sadly, it's possible that no amount of discussion, reason or persuasion will alter his view....

[Candy_Pants]

Aww don't resent the poor girl for her father's words.

 

It's good you're honest with yourself and him about your limitations regarding his child. I can understand why you'd assume you'd love your (hypothetical) biological child more. But you must also understand your SO's fears that you'd be more loving, attentive, understanding, and kinder to your biological child.

 

I certainly wouldn't marry someone who didn't love my child. I had a stepmother who obviously favored her own children and didn't have the balls to admit it like you. Maybe my father would've thought twice about marrying her had she been honest. It would've saved us a lot of pain.

[Gaeta]

That is why I have always made a point as a parent to always date men that were fathers. That part of your heart has never been touched or used so you don't know how to use it. Once you become a mother you cannot become indifferent to a child, any child.

 

Have you tried to bond with his daughter one on one?

 

Personally If I love a man I will love his children, they are just an extension of him. I will feel love, concern, and be protective of them. If something would to happen to them I would be devastated. Can I compare it to the love I have for my own daughter? No, but would I make a difference between his children and my child as a family? no.

 

So that being said: Because you 2 are engaged to be married, because there is a child involved, I really think you should head to some counseling together and talk about this.

 

I know some women that aren't parent have a hard time with kids because half of the child is representative of 'the ex' and they can't bond because of that half-jealousy they feel toward the child.

 

I am putting myself in your fiancé's shoes and he must have been devastated to hear those words you said. Especially after 1.5 years you admit you don't go see her in her little school play for her but only to accompany him. That is cold.

[jinjin113]

Well, here are the situations I have in my life that seem somewhat similar.

1) I am 32 and have a 4 year old daughter. I am dating a 31 year old man who has a 13 year old son. We've been dating 8 months. My daughter's dad is actively involved in her life. My boyfriend's son's mom is hardly involved in the son's life. My boyfriend has made it pretty clear he doesn't want more kids. I am ok with that. Being that he had his son so young (when he was about 18 and it was an accident and that he ended up raising the son pretty much on his own), he isn't all that keen on parenting any more children. I've thought about this in regard to him potentially being my daughter's step dad.

 

Ideally (for my daughter's sake I guess), I should find a man that will love her as his own. I have dated some men that I think might be able to do this, yet I didn't love those men like I love my current boyfriend. I suppose it is selfish of me to want to be madly in love with my partner rather than to pick a man that I'm not so in love with but might love my daughter. Maybe, it's possible to find both in one man...I don't know. I think my boyfriend's attitude toward my daughter would pretty much be like yours towards your step daughter. He would be there to help out with things and support me, but he doesn't want to be a dad to her or be particularly active or an authority figure in her life. I've thought about this and I've decided that I'm ok with that. Like I said, my daughter's dad is very active in her life, he is very much a dad to her. So, in terms of my boyfriend, I'm looking for someone to be my life partner rather than looking for a dad for my daughter.

 

Sounds like your situation is similar. That your fiance's daughter has a mom in her life already. I don't think it's wrong for your fiance to want you to love his daughter and to treat her the same as you would treat kids the two of you would have. However, I also don't think it's wrong that you are honest about how you feel and that you don't think you would love his daughter as your own. It is a recipe for disaster though if you two can't agree on this. I don't think you can change the way you feel, so he's got to accept that. If he can't, it's going to be a really rough road ahead for the two of you.

 

I've thought about it and I've decided that I could love his 13 year old son and be a mother figure to him. My boyfriend doesn't ask me to and it's a little moot because his son is a teenager already anyway. The son's mom is not that active in the son's life, so I wouldn't mind stepping into that role a bit.

 

I don't have the complication of having children with my boyfriend, as he's said he doesn't want more and I'm ok with not having more. If we did have kids together though, I guess I would want him to try to treat our kids and my daughter somewhat equally....which leads me to #2......

[mrs rubble]

You're doing everything you should for this wee girl, and I'd say that despite your denying it, you DO actually love this girl. You show this be posting here, you care enough about her to be concerned about her feelings, which is a lot more than a load of parents who claim to love their children do.

Being a stepmother is the hardest, least rewarding job I've ever done. I'd enter into it with extreme caution. You were honest and open to him with your feelings and he gets all defensive and precious over his daughter.

His daughter will never love you as much as her mother most likely, so should any wedding plans be ditched until she loves you enough according to her dad's standards?

[jinjin113]

2) My parents divorced when I was about 5. My mom married a man that has been my step father since I was about 9. My biological dad was not in my life at all really. My step father had a daughter from a previous marriage who was two years older than me. So, she became my step sister when I was 9 and she was 11. I consider my step father to by my dad and he has been wonderful in this regard. Since my dad was not in my life, I am grateful he filled that role. My mom always tried to treat me and my step-sister equally and I think this was very important. However, as we got older, I began to understand that she loved me more (as I am her biological daughter). However, it wasn't apparent to me when we were younger and I think it was very important that she made at least the effort to try to be equal. Again, as we all got older (late teens), she was able to express her heart more....meaning no one really cared anymore that she loved me more because as adults, I think we all understood this was natural. However, as kids, it's important for them to feel like they are loved equally (most of the time at least). My step sister's mother was not active in her life...if that makes any difference.

 

I would say that you should take this very seriously and talk about it with your fiance extensively. I think you should be honest just like you have been about what your limits are and try to explain to him that his daughter has a mom in her life already, and as the poster above mentioned, his daughter will likely always love her biological mom more than you anyway. If he feels you are truly the one for him, he should be happy to have you as a life partner and not force you to take on a role you aren't comfortable with. However, if you have kids together, I would stress that you at least try not to make your preference for your children so overt.

Edited July 29, 2014 by jinjin113

[lacoqueta]

Thank you for responses. Right now I feel like "yes, it is outrageous that he is demanding this of me!" I want to understand him though which is why I'm on here asking.

 

 

 

 

That is why I have always made a point as a parent to always date men that were fathers. That part of your heart has never been touched or used so you don't know how to use it. Once you become a mother you cannot become indifferent to a child, any child.

 

Have you tried to bond with his daughter one on one?

 

Personally If I love a man I will love his children, they are just an extension of him. I will feel love, concern, and be protective of them. If something would to happen to them I would be devastated. Can I compare it to the love I have for my own daughter? No, but would I make a difference between his children and my child as a family? no.

 

So that being said: Because you 2 are engaged to be married, because there is a child involved, I really think you should head to some counseling together and talk about this.

 

I know some women that aren't parent have a hard time with kids because half of the child is representative of 'the ex' and they can't bond because of that half-jealousy they feel toward the child.

 

I am putting myself in your fiancé's shoes and he must have been devastated to hear those words you said. Especially after 1.5 years you admit you don't go see her in her little school play for her but only to accompany him. That is cold.

 

 

 

Maybe I shouldn't have said that EVERYTHING that involves her requires an invitation (and I did not say that to him). I play tennis and signed her up for lessons. That was my idea, and I loved taking her and sitting through them. There is another sport she plays and I have a great time sitting there and watching that too. If anything, I feel like I do a better job than her dad at knowing what her "likes" and her "dislikes" are. She loves watching Regular Show and I took it upon myself to find her presents related to that for her last birthday. Her Dad was clueless. When we eat dinner, she eats what I make but I will make slight alterations to make certain dinners more enjoyable for her. I don't let her sit at the table by herself and eat. I'll at least have a cup of coffee to make sure she has some company. I am very proud of his daughter and I feel zero jealousy over the fact that she has a mother already. I'm happy for that!! How terrible that would be if her biological mother were absent from her life. His daughter and I get along, I joke with her, and we team up against her dad sometimes just to be silly. Do I think I will be more affectionate towards my own child? Yes! Will I discipline my own child the same way I do her? Yes! Will I always include her? Yes! Why do I HAVE TO love her?? And it's not to say I won't in the future.

 

 

Oh yeah, I guess I should have mentioned that his last GF had a son who he told me on plenty occasions that he could not accept as his own.

[lacoqueta]

Thank you both for your responses! I did bring up the fact that she will ALWAYS choose her mom over me and that I'm perfectly fine with that. He said that she's a kid and it's different, I can't expect her to love me as much as her mom. Seriously?? Shouldn't he be happy that I'm not throwing a fit over that? I'd like to add the following....

 

 

Maybe I shouldn't have said that EVERYTHING that involves her requires an invitation (and I did not say that to him). I play tennis and signed her up for lessons. That was my idea, and I loved taking her and sitting through them. There is another sport she plays and I have a great time sitting there and watching that too. If anything, I feel like I do a better job than her dad at knowing what her "likes" and her "dislikes" are. She loves watching Regular Show and I took it upon myself to find her presents related to that for her last birthday. Her Dad was clueless. When we eat dinner, she eats what I make but I will make slight alterations to make certain dinners more enjoyable for her. I don't let her sit at the table by herself and eat. I'll at least have a cup of coffee to make sure she has some company. I am very proud of his daughter and I feel zero jealousy over the fact that she has a mother already. I'm happy for that!! How terrible that would be if her biological mother were absent from her life. His daughter and I get along, I joke with her, and we team up against her dad sometimes just to be silly. Do I think I will be more affectionate towards my own child? Yes! Will I discipline my own child the same way I do her? Yes! Will I always include her? Yes! I always assumed that I'd be fair and try my hardest not to make it obvious that I love my biological child more. Why do I HAVE TO love her?? And it's not to say I won't in the future. And you're right, maybe I already do but he wants me to love her like my own.

 

 

Oh yeah, I guess I should have mentioned that his last GF had a son who he told me on plenty occasions that he could not accept as his own

[Gaeta]

Maybe I shouldn't have said that EVERYTHING that involves her requires an invitation (and I did not say that to him). I play tennis and signed her up for lessons. That was my idea, and I loved taking her and sitting through them. There is another sport she plays and I have a great time sitting there and watching that too. If anything, I feel like I do a better job than her dad at knowing what her "likes" and her "dislikes" are. She loves watching Regular Show and I took it upon myself to find her presents related to that for her last birthday. Her Dad was clueless. When we eat dinner, she eats what I make but I will make slight alterations to make certain dinners more enjoyable for her. I don't let her sit at the table by herself and eat. I'll at least have a cup of coffee to make sure she has some company. I am very proud of his daughter and I feel zero jealousy over the fact that she has a mother already. I'm happy for that!! How terrible that would be if her biological mother were absent from her life. His daughter and I get along, I joke with her, and we team up against her dad sometimes just to be silly. Do I think I will be more affectionate towards my own child? Yes! Will I discipline my own child the same way I do her? Yes! Will I always include her? Yes! Why do I HAVE TO love her?? And it's not to say I won't in the future.

 

 

Oh yeah, I guess I should have mentioned that his last GF had a son who he told me on plenty occasions that he could not accept as his own.

 

Sounds like you are doing a great job OP.

 

What does he have to say about it when you remind him of his own situation with her ex?

[Tbisb74]

...

Maybe I shouldn't have said that EVERYTHING that involves her requires an invitation (and I did not say that to him). I play tennis and signed her up for lessons. That was my idea, and I loved taking her and sitting through them. There is another sport she plays and I have a great time sitting there and watching that too. If anything, I feel like I do a better job than her dad at knowing what her "likes" and her "dislikes" are. She loves watching Regular Show and I took it upon myself to find her presents related to that for her last birthday. Her Dad was clueless. When we eat dinner, she eats what I make but I will make slight alterations to make certain dinners more enjoyable for her. I don't let her sit at the table by herself and eat. I'll at least have a cup of coffee to make sure she has some company. I am very proud of his daughter and I feel zero jealousy over the fact that she has a mother already. I'm happy for that!! How terrible that would be if her biological mother were absent from her life. His daughter and I get along, I joke with her, and we team up against her dad sometimes just to be silly. Do I think I will be more affectionate towards my own child? Yes! Will I discipline my own child the same way I do her? Yes! Will I always include her? Yes! Why do I HAVE TO love her?? And it's not to say I won't in the future.

I think it completely unreasonable for him to ask for any more than this...

 

 

Oh yeah, I guess I should have mentioned that his last GF had a son who he told me on plenty occasions that he could not accept as his own.

Hypocrite.

[ja123]

I'm not a mother, but I love kids.

 

 

I couldn't imagine loving a man and not loving his little one, too, but I'm kind of a mother earth-type when it comes to kids.

 

 

Though you can't fake how you feel and it was good you were honest, if I were in his position, I would see you in a different light and not want to continue to see you.

 

 

I think you should consider ending it for the sake of all involved including yourself.

[USMCHokie]

From my own personal situation and experience, I will never consider my SO's daughter as my (step)-child in any capacity whatsoever, since her father is still very much in the picture.

 

 

And I think it's a safe generalization (for me, that is), that if the biological father is still in the child's life, then I will not attempt to fulfill a fatherly role.

[Keenly]

Not everyone is cut out to be a step parent, and that's okay. It just means that you can not marry this man. Sorry. It's just how it is.

 

 

 

 

What he is asking for is NOT unreasonable, its expected. As a stepchild of a douchebag who married my mother but didn't give two ****s about me, I say you don't get to marry a man and only go in halfway. Those two are family, and if you are incapable of loving one, you can't go halfsies.

[Gaeta]

This child is spending 50% of her life with you. Children are filters, they know when they are unconditionally loved or not. As she'll grow she'll become more and more work and more worries I promise you that. If you don't bond with her it will be much harder on you.

 

Also, one day when you have a child with this man, your child and that little girl will be linked for life. They will be siblings.

 

There is so much for you to consider. When you have a child with him will you resent him from spending time with his other daughter and not yours? Will you feel he should pay more attention to your child because she-he is younger. These resentments happen all the time.

[lacoqueta]

Sounds like you are doing a great job OP.

 

What does he have to say about it when you remind him of his own situation with her ex?

 

 

 

Thank you. His response to my bringing that up last night was "that was a totally different relationship that failed for its own reasons". He is very witty and has a response for everything, right away. I need more time and now that I've had it, I'm even angrier because the primary issue for their breakup was her substance abuse. He said that his ex GF was indifferent towards his daughter. Never has he ever cited that her indifference was a "deal breaker", he says it was the substance abuse. Even so, I don't think his response is justified (regarding his ex's son)

[lacoqueta]

This child is spending 50% of her life with you. Children are filters, they know when they are unconditionally loved or not. As she'll grow she'll become more and more work and more worries I promise you that. If you don't bond with her it will be much harder on you.

 

Also, one day when you have a child with this man, your child and that little girl will be linked for life. They will be siblings.

 

There is so much for you to consider. When you have a child with him will you resent him from spending time with his other daughter and not yours? Will you feel he should pay more attention to your child because she-he is younger. These resentments happen all the time.

 

 

 

 

Trust me, I want us to be one big happy family. I also always assumed that if we have our own child, this would actually make me bond with his daughter even more because I will have "tapped into" those maternal feelings and this would naturally bring us closer. His loving his daughter was one of my main attractions to him. He's a wonderful dad.

[lacoqueta]

From my own personal situation and experience, I will never consider my SO's daughter as my (step)-child in any capacity whatsoever, since her father is still very much in the picture.

 

 

And I think it's a safe generalization (for me, that is), that if the biological father is still in the child's life, then I will not attempt to fulfill a fatherly role.

 

 

 

Are you in this situation now? What does she expect of you?

[USMCHokie]

Are you in this situation now? What does she expect of you?

 

Yes. And define "she"...the mother or the daughter...?

[lacoqueta]

Yes. And define "she"...the mother or the daughter...?

 

The mother

[USMCHokie]

The mother

 

Besides occasionally helping her out financially, absolutely nothing. Her daughter is in college now and stays with her dad when she goes home on breaks. Her mom travels home to visit when she can, whether we can afford it or not...

 

 

So I know my situation is a bit different from yours, but I imagine that if I were to have to see my SO's daughter more regularly, I'd treat her the same as I do now, as nothing more than a friend or acquaintance.

[Gaeta]

if I were to have to see my SO's daughter more regularly, I'd treat her the same as I do now, as nothing more than a friend or acquaintance.

 

We cannot treat an 8 year old as a friend or an acquaintance.

 

Every single adult in a little child's life is influencing (or hurting) the child's emotional development. Just look at the members on here that had to deal with a step parent that did not love or care for them.

[clia]

Do most parents really expect that their new significant other (step parent) will love their child as much as the step parent would love their own, biological child? I think that is unreasonable. Love, treat well, with respect, sure. But on the same level as their own biological child? I don't know. That sounds unreasonable to me, as a person without kids.

 

I think you are in the right here, OP. You are good to his daughter, which is all that is to be expected of you. She already has two parents who love her!

[USMCHokie]

Do most parents really expect that their new significant other (step parent) will love their child as much as the step parent would love their own, biological child? I think that is unreasonable. Love, treat well, with respect, sure. But on the same level as their own biological child? I don't know. That sounds unreasonable to me, as a person without kids.

 

I think you are in the right here, OP. You are good to his daughter, which is all that is to be expected of you. She already has two parents who love her!

 

I've got to agree with this here...if "unequal" love from a step parent is such a big issue for the biological parent, then there are three things at play here: (1) you shouldn't have had kids to begin with; (2) you shouldn't have gotten divorced; or (3) you shouldn't remarry.

 

 

Otherwise, be grateful that the stepparent treats the kid respectfully...

[Blade96]

Especially after 1.5 years you admit you don't go see her in her little school play for her but only to accompany him"

 

This made me cry. My online for now bf has a daughter. She is 5. I told him if after we have met, if we get married, although I'm CF and I don't want bio kids, I want to love his daughter like my own. She's very pretty. I saw her photos. that means her little school play and anything else I'd be able to go to not to accompany him, but because I really will love her. I do love kids who are past the baby toddler stage and up.

 

Your bf is afraid you will make his daughter a "behind the coucher" you are showing it now and you haven't even had a one of our own yet. I don't think he's unreasonable. This can cause problems years down the road. The daughter could come to hate her siblings. She could come to hate you....or even her father when she grows up for this. You don't want that, do you?