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Boyfriend admitted he wasn't that attracted to me


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Old 16th August 2011, 8:31 PM   #1
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Boyfriend admitted he wasn't that attracted to me

I had a pretty big argument with my bf of 7 months. He told me that at first sight, he finds some girls a lot more attractive than he found me. He said that he is attracted to me and that's enough for him and that his feelings now go much deeper. That he is in love with me because of my personality.

I told him that my worry is that he will meet a girl that he is extremely attracted to on first sight and then he will like her personality too and he will leave me. He paused and said that he doesn't think he would do that but there are no guarantees in life.

I am kind of shaken up by this admission. I am thin and in shape. I have a cute face. He also said that he thinks it's a fairytale to think you will find it all in one person and that he has never found it before. He doesn't believe that he is settling as he has genuine feelings for me. We are both in our mid 30s.

.............

Should I be worried?
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Old 16th August 2011, 8:50 PM   #2
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We all know that we are not perfect, in terms of personality and appearance, but there is no need to mention it. Sometimes, we do not tell our partners that we had a certain crush on someone else not because we can't be honest, but rather because we care about our relationship and we don't want to hurt the person. When he tells you outright that he finds someone more attractive than you, it seems to be a lack of respect and care for you to me. and when you asked him if he would fall for someone else he even hesitated? he doesn't have "deeper" feelings like he assumes and I am afraid that he cares a lot less than what he pretends to. I agree that you shouldn't break up just for that especially when you two are both in your 30s and your are supposed to be mature, but I would not expect much from this guy.
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Old 16th August 2011, 9:03 PM   #3
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I don't expect to be the most beautiful girl in the world to my partner, however I do want to him to be attracted to me.

If he is always looking at other women and wishing that I could measure up to them, the relationship would not last. Attraction is essential for a relationship.

It's understandable that you're bothered by what he said.

It's a great thing that he loves you for who you are as person and finds you beautiful. However the way he put it out there was plain disrespectful. He put you down.

I'm concerned about this line.
Quote:
He paused and said that he doesn't think he would do that but there are no guarantees in life.
I'm well aware that anything can happen in life, however the fact that he mentions it in said way does not seem promising.
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Old 16th August 2011, 9:07 PM   #4
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I am not sure if it's something I should break up over.
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Old 16th August 2011, 9:09 PM   #5
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Rinas - he did say that he is attracted to me and wouldn't be with me if he is not.
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Old 16th August 2011, 9:26 PM   #6
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He does believe that he is settling though, otherwise he wouldn't say,"No girl is perfect, which is why I chose you, a person who I only sort of like."

I think you should dump him because if he can find a girl who doesn't make him feel like he is settling and date her, he will guarateed leave you for her.
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Old 16th August 2011, 9:51 PM   #7
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I do agree with him. I have never found it all in one person either. I think we all need to find a partner that's "close enough".
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Old 16th August 2011, 9:58 PM   #8
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I do agree with him. I have never found it all in one person either. I think we all need to find a partner that's "close enough".
Of course nobody will have it all, however he's telling you that when he goes out he indeed finds other women more desirable. It's essentially comparing you to them.

It's one thing to go out and just look, another to tell your girlfriend how other women do more for him.

I understand that you won't always be perfect to your partner, however make sure he isn't just settling.
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Old 16th August 2011, 10:00 PM   #9
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I can't imagine someone saying that to their partner, even if it's the truth, it's just a mean and potentially damaging thing to say to someone.

If someone said that to me, it would rattle my confidence and feed into my insecurities.
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Old 16th August 2011, 10:00 PM   #10
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What an ass.....

If he tells you his disappointment in you now without realizing how it hurts your self esteem then wait until you are married..

Who does that.. the guy should have his head examined...
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Old 16th August 2011, 10:00 PM   #11
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How did this subject come up? Did your boyfriend initiate the conversation, or you? Just curious because if he sat you down and had a "talk" and said this, I think it is time to leave the relationship. If you asked him, however, I think it's a little different situation.

However, I still would start dating others if I were you and not put all my eggs in his basket. I agree with ptp's analysis. If you're crazy about someone, you're just crazy about them and you look past the little imperfections, you don't even notice them. I think someone in love with you thinks that you hung the moon.

It seems to me that he's telling you (in a kind of mean way) that he doesn't see a future longterm with you.

Last edited by Hot Chick; 16th August 2011 at 10:03 PM..
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Old 16th August 2011, 10:14 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by suckered View Post
I had a pretty big argument with my bf of 7 months. He told me that at first sight, he finds some girls a lot more attractive than he found me. He said that he is attracted to me and that's enough for him and that his feelings now go much deeper. That he is in love with me because of my personality.

I told him that my worry is that he will meet a girl that he is extremely attracted to on first sight and then he will like her personality too and he will leave me. He paused and said that he doesn't think he would do that but there are no guarantees in life.

I am kind of shaken up by this admission. I am thin and in shape. I have a cute face. He also said that he thinks it's a fairytale to think you will find it all in one person and that he has never found it before. He doesn't believe that he is settling as he has genuine feelings for me. We are both in our mid 30s.

.............

Should I be worried?
Your BF's admission represents a lack of commitment to me.

There is always going to be someone more beautiful, more handsome, more this, more that. But when someone is committed in an active fashion, they put their partner first and commit to making the most of the relationship. "S/He's It" vs. "S/He'll Do."

I don't think your BF is fully committed if he said "there are no guarantees in life." I guess I would have a serious conversation with him on where you both see the relationship going and see if you're really on the same page.

I also agree it's a hurtful thing to say.
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Old 16th August 2011, 10:27 PM   #13
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But that's just the thing. He asked me to move in with him recently. He seems fully committed. He doesn't go out or seek out other girls. He is always with me.

He says that his philosophy on relationships is different to other men. He never bases a relationship on an earth-shattering passion. That is not the type of relationship he is seeking.

Conversation came up because I asked him. We were talking about passion in general so I brought it up.

He tends to blurt things out. He talks a lot and often says things that would be considered inappropriate and then kicks himself later about them. He already apologized, but still what he said was true.
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Old 16th August 2011, 10:35 PM   #14
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Try role reversal.. put yourself in his shoes.

If you said something like that to him, what would you be thinking in order to think that he wasn't attractive to you but still good enough to have around..

It isn't a healthy basis for a relationship.. ahh.. she is good enough.. for now..
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Old 16th August 2011, 10:38 PM   #15
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I guess you know that he doesn't feel strong passion for you, and that you fit the bill as to what he's looking for in a relationship.
You have to be happy knowing that your relationship will lack passion, and if that is OK with you, then I guess there is no problem.
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