SouthernT Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Felt like starting a new thread. As I said on another thread... I'm reading the book "Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic man Before He Breaks Your Heart". I'm sure alot of you have already read this book. A friend of mine suggested it and the stuff I'm reading in this book is insane. The whole idea of a man putting his best foot foward by stopping at nothing to win her over. And pursuing a woman until she responds and falls for him and THEN he says he feels trapped and needs to get out as soon as possible? HUH?!?! Is this even real guys? Do guys really suffer from this? Or is it a case of "He's Just Not That Into You"..... Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Well, it always seems to happen to George Clooney, eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
LikeCharlotte Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Oh its real and its hell. I'm buying that book as soon as possible. Does it list warning signs? I never want to go through that again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SouthernT Posted June 1, 2008 Author Share Posted June 1, 2008 Oh its real and its hell. I'm buying that book as soon as possible. Does it list warning signs? I never want to go through that again. I havent finished reading it yet. But before I could finish the first 10 pages my mouth was WIDE OPEN because it described the exact situation I was in with a guy. Now I feel a little better in knowing that my butt wasn't crazy after all. It absolutley is pure hell and draining as hell. The last chapter talks about how to avoid them. But I am just now starting the fourth chapter: "The Man & His Conflict: A World of Double Messages and Contradictory Behavior" Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 aka "another notch on my bedpost" They sure to wrap it up in a sweet package though. Very convincing... Corollary is man tries to engage emotions and discovers a vacuum not seen since leaving mommy's womb. Time is the best determiner of this syndrome. Time tells all. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 aka "another notch on my bedpost" They sure to wrap it up in a sweet package though. Very convincing... Corollary is man tries to engage emotions and discovers a vacuum not seen since leaving mommy's womb. Time is the best determiner of this syndrome. Time tells all. Yeah, when you're in love and it's too late! Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 I havent finished reading it yet. But before I could finish the first 10 pages my mouth was WIDE OPEN because it described the exact situation I was in with a guy. Now I feel a little better in knowing that my butt wasn't crazy after all. It absolutley is pure hell and draining as hell. The last chapter talks about how to avoid them. But I am just now starting the fourth chapter: "The Man & His Conflict: A World of Double Messages and Contradictory Behavior" Does this mean they know they're doing this? Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 I can't speak for all of us, but some of us guys don't fear commitment, in fact, i'd think it would be easier to become a part of one if some girls hadn't read the Rules. Frickin garbage. I think in some cases that could just be why "he's just not into you". Actually I think I'm going to read that one. Oh BTW, I saw a book on the shelf tonite I probably should have grabbed; 'Toxic People' ........I often forget they're out there, perhaps some of them are also men who can't love! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Yeah, when you're in love and it's too late! You'll be hearing about that this weekend, or, perhaps, the reverse corollary. I think this dynamic is precisely why women (and men, where applicable) should take more time developing relationships and wait longer, like a few months, to become sexual in it. The good news is there are plenty of men who can love and a woman's job is discerning the show from the go. Maybe I'll write my own book Link to post Share on other sites
The Collector Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 'Women That Can't Accept Men Who Don't Love Them So It Must Be Something Wrong With The Man Instead Then' more like. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SouthernT Posted June 1, 2008 Author Share Posted June 1, 2008 Does this mean they know they're doing this? Umm...that's a hard one. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. But my interpretation is that they don't see that it's wrong until AFTER the fact and until AFTER he or the woman walks away. But they know what they are doing and sometimes feel guilty towards the middle. But while it's going on, it seems like he doesnt see anything wrong with what he's doing because the woman is going along with it (because she has absolutley no clue) until things get too deep. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SouthernT Posted June 1, 2008 Author Share Posted June 1, 2008 You'll be hearing about that this weekend, or, perhaps, the reverse corollary. I think this dynamic is precisely why women (and men, where applicable) should take more time developing relationships and wait longer, like a few months, to become sexual in it. The good news is there are plenty of men who can love and a woman's job is discerning the show from the go. Maybe I'll write my own book Agreed carhill. And the mistake that I can see these women making over and over again in the different senarios, one of the mistakes is by having sex with the guy too soon. That has become my weapon of choice. Keeping the legs closed for a few months into dating. But what's scary about these guys is that even THAT will backfire when a woman finally does give in. It's like she can't win for loosing... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 With the right man, it won't be "giving in", it will be a mutual signpost on the intimacy path. A completely natural part of the progression of the relationship. One key component, IMO, is a man who can be physical and affectionate without being sexual. IME, most women are that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SouthernT Posted June 1, 2008 Author Share Posted June 1, 2008 With the right man, it won't be "giving in", it will be a mutual signpost on the intimacy path. A completely natural part of the progression of the relationship. One key component, IMO, is a man who can be physical and affectionate without being sexual. IME, most women are that way. Interesting. That does seem like a smart way to weed 'em out. But the key words are "the right man". And that's what's so hard. Discerning the "right man". Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Felt like starting a new thread. As I said on another thread... I'm reading the book "Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic man Before He Breaks Your Heart". I'm sure alot of you have already read this book. A friend of mine suggested it and the stuff I'm reading in this book is insane. The whole idea of a man putting his best foot foward by stopping at nothing to win her over. And pursuing a woman until she responds and falls for him and THEN he says he feels trapped and needs to get out as soon as possible? HUH?!?! Is this even real guys? Do guys really suffer from this? Or is it a case of "He's Just Not That Into You"..... It's like the dog that chases the car down the block, catches up to it and then realizes it has NO IDEA why it was chasing the car or what it wants to do with it now that it's caught up to it. DUH! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 It's much more beneficial for a man to be this way. When a man truly loves he tends to lose out so it is better if he never gets attached. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 A combination of full court press and early investor. Bad mojo, 'cause it's not real. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SouthernT Posted June 1, 2008 Author Share Posted June 1, 2008 It's much more beneficial for a man to be this way. When a man truly loves he tends to lose out so it is better if he never gets attached. Are you seriously claiming this to be ok as a defense mechanism? But it's over the second the SHE gets attached after all of his hard work. The things I'm reading in this book right now is sooooo off the wall. CRAZY for a man to rationalize this type of behavior. I mean seriously: Guy tells and encouarages a girl to to let her guard down. The second she does, HE gets uncomfortable and mad because she does what he encouraged her to do? That is sick. And I guess you have to either have experienced this type of situation or read the book to truly understand how these men behave and how crazy it is. When the relationship is actually going good and he can't find anything wrong, he panics and feel suffocated and needs to get out. But if it's going bad and has drama, the drama gives him the "space" he needs to stick around and keep the relationship going.... Link to post Share on other sites
MJR Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 The whole idea of a man putting his best foot foward by stopping at nothing to win her over. And pursuing a woman until she responds and falls for him and THEN he says he feels trapped and needs to get out as soon as possible? HUH?!?! Men talk. Every day, without fail, when I go to work, when I spend time with friends, whatever the occasion may be, there is a man who complains of the misery a woman is causing him. Today, my friend Rick complained about his wife who doesn't work but wants to blow $850 on a bird even though they can barely afford to pay the mortgage. Rick's step sister is being investigated for witholding cancer medictions from her son, who the doctors now give less than a year for him to live. Joe, he found out that his wife forged his name on several credit cards and racked up a $40,000 bill in his name. Tony, he was ordered to pay 15 years of back child support to his ex-girlfriend for a blonde, blue eyed kid. Both he and the ex are Dominican. I can write a novel-length dipiction of the misery I've heard over just the last year. Everyday there's a new story to hear. Every day these guys look me in the eye and say, "Don't get married". Every day. Many of the single guys I know hear the same thing from the guys they know and work with. When that kind of advice is drilled into a single guy's head on a daily basis, a man tends to think twice once the honeymoon stage of a relationship ends and things get real. He notices things, different behavior, and attatches it to all of the stories. It's not the commitment most guys are afraid of. They're just afraid of turning into the other men they know. All that having been said, I realize men can be just as bad. I know there are a lot of a-holes out there and women have every right to complain about them. Yes, some are looking for just another notch. But many of the "commitment phobic" guys are the ones scared by the stories. It has nothing to do with sex and the lacking capacity to love. But if you think keeping your legs closed makes a difference, whatever.... Link to post Share on other sites
BiAxident Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Economics, ladies and gentlemen. When a man pines after a woman, he is approaching from a position of need. He may want sex, a life-partner, he may just be lonely, etc. Once a relationship reaches a point of serious committment, men react to a surplus. His free time is limited, his "guy-time" is threatened, etc, etc. In that situation, men become a little panicked and pull away to a certain degree. The degree to which they pull away, what exactly triggers it, and what can prevent/help the situation varies from one individual to another, I would imagine. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 As I've mentioned in another thread, I think men like this flirt with the thought of relationships, like flirting with danger. They pull back if they think it might become real. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SouthernT Posted June 1, 2008 Author Share Posted June 1, 2008 Men talk. Every day, without fail, when I go to work, when I spend time with friends, whatever the occasion may be, there is a man who complains of the misery a woman is causing him. Today, my friend Rick complained about his wife who doesn't work but wants to blow $850 on a bird even though they can barely afford to pay the mortgage. Rick's step sister is being investigated for witholding cancer medictions from her son, who the doctors now give less than a year for him to live. Joe, he found out that his wife forged his name on several credit cards and racked up a $40,000 bill in his name. Tony, he was ordered to pay 15 years of back child support to his ex-girlfriend for a blonde, blue eyed kid. Both he and the ex are Dominican. I can write a novel-length dipiction of the misery I've heard over just the last year. Everyday there's a new story to hear. Every day these guys look me in the eye and say, "Don't get married". Every day. Many of the single guys I know hear the same thing from the guys they know and work with. When that kind of advice is drilled into a single guy's head on a daily basis, a man tends to think twice once the honeymoon stage of a relationship ends and things get real. He notices things, different behavior, and attatches it to all of the stories. It's not the commitment most guys are afraid of. They're just afraid of turning into the other men they know. All that having been said, I realize men can be just as bad. I know there are a lot of a-holes out there and women have every right to complain about them. Yes, some are looking for just another notch. But many of the "commitment phobic" guys are the ones scared by the stories. It has nothing to do with sex and the lacking capacity to love. But if you think keeping your legs closed makes a difference, whatever.... Then please help me (and other women) understand what makes a difference? Link to post Share on other sites
LikeCharlotte Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 It's like the dog that chases the car down the block, catches up to it and then realizes it has NO IDEA why it was chasing the car or what it wants to do with it now that it's caught up to it. DUH!Pretty much, yeah. It sucks being the object in that scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Men talk. Every day, without fail, when I go to work, when I spend time with friends, whatever the occasion may be, there is a man who complains of the misery a woman is causing him. Today, my friend Rick complained about his wife who doesn't work but wants to blow $850 on a bird even though they can barely afford to pay the mortgage. Rick's step sister is being investigated for witholding cancer medictions from her son, who the doctors now give less than a year for him to live. Joe, he found out that his wife forged his name on several credit cards and racked up a $40,000 bill in his name. Tony, he was ordered to pay 15 years of back child support to his ex-girlfriend for a blonde, blue eyed kid. Both he and the ex are Dominican. I can write a novel-length dipiction of the misery I've heard over just the last year. Everyday there's a new story to hear. Every day these guys look me in the eye and say, "Don't get married". Every day. Many of the single guys I know hear the same thing from the guys they know and work with. When that kind of advice is drilled into a single guy's head on a daily basis, a man tends to think twice once the honeymoon stage of a relationship ends and things get real. He notices things, different behavior, and attatches it to all of the stories. It's not the commitment most guys are afraid of. They're just afraid of turning into the other men they know. All that having been said, I realize men can be just as bad. I know there are a lot of a-holes out there and women have every right to complain about them. Yes, some are looking for just another notch. But many of the "commitment phobic" guys are the ones scared by the stories. It has nothing to do with sex and the lacking capacity to love. But if you think keeping your legs closed makes a difference, whatever.... Very interesting post. So stop allowing that negative feedback to mold your way of thinking. I think that having no faith that you won't become like one of your friends, is ultimately having no faith in your own abilities. There is no reason why a man has to turn his relationship into one that is a failure just as the ones he compares himself to. If you go into a situation predisposed to fail you will fail, and if you enter into a relationship plaguing your thoughts with the failures of others how could you not be destined to fail? I think that men that are afraid of commitment are ultimately afraid of their own capacity to succeed, and that can be scary I suppose. People don't fail because others make them, people fail because they themselves set out to. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Pretty much, yeah. It sucks being the object in that scenario. You were quick to catch on to that! Link to post Share on other sites
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