LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Platonic > Friendship

New friendship - red flags


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

Like Tree70Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 24th October 2011, 10:48 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,917
New friendship - red flags

There is this woman I know who has been slowly turning into a friend. Lately, I am not so sure that it is a good idea. Let's call her Jen. We've hung out a couple of times before last year, but we ended up drifting apart. The connection was too weak, I guess. This year we began working together and reconnected. We didn't get a chance to actually hang out again outside of work until this past weekend. I was excited at the chance to hang out with her and probably wouldn't have hung out with the rest of the group had she not been going too.

I'm picking up on red flags. She'll say things that seem aggressive to me. I don''t know if she is being intentionally aggressive or if she is just socially awkward to the point of saying inappropriate things. For example, when we went to college together I was so quiet back then that other people felt uncomfortable around me and didn't want to sit beside me, except for Jen. Jen decided to (completely out of nowhere) bring it up in conversation and tell everyone that. That was embarassing for me.

Later in the evening she asked me what I do with my spare time and asked me if I spend time with my cats. I found this mildly insulting, but just sort of brushed it off and made a joke about it. She asked again what I do with my time and asked if I still do the yoga. I do yoga with another girl we both know, whom I've become good friends with. I was planning to actually invite Jen to come with us, but she's told me before that she wouldn't want to do it due to asthma problems. So I never invited her. Anyway, I told her yes I still do it and she went on and on about how she doesn't need to do that, and why would you want to do that?

She quite often brings the yoga thing up with me and acts like it is the weirdest thing ever that I do it. I'm starting to wonder if she is jealous or something but I don't understand why something like that would bother her so much.

Another weird thing: she has never ever bothered me before about not talking enough. Suddenly that night she got on my case about it, at least 5 times she said to me I need to talk more. Keep in mind I was pretty stoned, so there was a reason for me to be quiet and she knew this because I told her that's how I get when I'm like that. Yet she kept pointing it out and bringing everyone's attention to the fact that I was spaced out. Nobody else minded, thankfully.

I don't think she dislikes me, since she will comment on how we should hang out together again. She'll then say she misses this other girl called Emma and do I still talk to Emma? I've told her I don't really talk to Emma anymore. Yet she asks me over and over. She asked me three times that one night alone, even though she's asked me several times before this year and EVERY time she asks, I tell her NO. I'm starting to wonder why she just doesn't understand.

In my past I have become friends with people who gave out red flags because I thought I was just acting paranoid. I guess I'd like some opinions to make sure that I'm making the right judgement call on this one. I suspect that she likes me well enough and doesn't mean any harm, but why is she acting this way? Am I doing the right thing by backing off?

It also weirded me out that she spent much of the evening bragging about what she says to people who piss her off, and the way she works constantly with her two jobs and doesn't care that her family is worried about her. She makes more than enough money to live on her own and her family has given their blessing for her to move out, yet she says she doesn't really want to right now because she can save more money this way to go on trips. Then brags about how her cell phone bill was $600, like it's nothing to her.

ETA: Dunno if this is relevant, but my main fear is that she'll tell other people embarassing things about me again either right in front of me or behind my back. It makes me feel somewhat violated.

Last edited by SpiralOut; 24th October 2011 at 11:27 PM..
SpiralOut is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st October 2011, 9:16 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,917
I guess mostly I only hang out with her in a group setting. In a way I guess I feel flattered that she seems to want to be friends with me. In many ways, she is a cool person and I like her well enough. We just aren't clicking in the way that I look for when I'm trying to make friends.

This may just be me being picky but I don't think I can handle being friends with someone who basically humiliates me in front of other people. I don't think she even embarassed me on purpose but the things she said indicates that she lacks some common sense and/or sensitivity.

I still see her every day but I'll be keeping her at arm's length. Thanks for the advice
SpiralOut is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th November 2011, 6:55 AM   #3
New Member
 
DreamHisGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Badenov View Post
It may be as simple as a personality conflict.
I agree, I don't think Jen has any mental issues or is particularly problematic based on the OPs description. But it seems like the OP is just overwhelmed by Jen's personality.

My advice: try to spend less time with Jen. Spending too much time with her can cause you to explode and you might say things you'll regret. The less you see her, the more you'll be able to tolerate exposure to her.
DreamHisGirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2011, 2:54 AM   #4
New Member
 
BmwSauber's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 7
If someone makes you feel uncomfortable or humiliated then talk to them about it. Especially if it is someone with whom you barely communicate with. Because you did a bare minimum in telling her to restrain herself, she thinks that it is appropriate to insult and humiliate you in a group setting. Speak to her about it and if she refuses, then it might be time to reconsider your "friendship" with her.
BmwSauber is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2011, 10:26 PM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 28
honestly dude it sounds like shes just ****ing annoying. not much you can do about it lol

and btw im quiet especially in groups and it is annoying when people point it out, besides my close friends who like to bug me about it. i space out sometimes lol. not a big deal. but i get what you mean
Niagara Falls is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th November 2011, 12:16 AM   #6
Established Member
 
spiderowl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,477
Just because someone is nice to you or wants to be with you, doesn't make them nice. The fact that she's asking to hang out with you doesn't make her nice. She might well like you - and why not? - but she isn't being very nice to you. She's embarrassed you. She doesn't listen and keeps asking the same questions. She's trying to push you to behave in a way you are not comfortable with. She is trying to control you! All in all, I feel she is in this to serve her own needs and hang-ups not yours. SHE might want to hang out with you but that in itself doesn't make her a good friend.

Think about what qualities you would want from a good friend. Make a list. Does she fit them?
spiderowl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th November 2011, 1:37 AM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 57,487
Real and true friends don't make you feel bad about yourself.

This girl is insecure and just shooting off her mouth because she can't stop talking.

Be courteous, be nice, but keep your distance. You don't want her as an enemy, that's for sure!

In the meantime, detach and don't let what she says bug you. It seems the others are mature and old enough to decide for themselves and stuff she said didn't affect how they feel about you.

Besides, spending time with your cats and doing yoga are the best! Don't ever feel bad about that!
whichwayisup is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th November 2011, 4:30 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,917
Quote:
Originally Posted by DreamHisGirl View Post
My advice: try to spend less time with Jen. Spending too much time with her can cause you to explode and you might say things you'll regret. The less you see her, the more you'll be able to tolerate exposure to her.
Yes I really do think I might explode if I spend much more time with her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BmwSauber View Post
If someone makes you feel uncomfortable or humiliated then talk to them about it. Especially if it is someone with whom you barely communicate with. Because you did a bare minimum in telling her to restrain herself, she thinks that it is appropriate to insult and humiliate you in a group setting. Speak to her about it and if she refuses, then it might be time to reconsider your "friendship" with her.
Yes I know I should say something. It happened so long ago that I don't know if I should even say anything now, like maybe I'll just wait for the next time it happens so I can speak to her immediately about it so that way she can't claim to "not remember" what I am talking about. I am having trouble with it because she always catches me so off guard that I just don't know what to say when she does it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Niagara Falls View Post
honestly dude it sounds like shes just ****ing annoying. not much you can do about it lol

and btw im quiet especially in groups and it is annoying when people point it out, besides my close friends who like to bug me about it. i space out sometimes lol. not a big deal. but i get what you mean
LOL I'm glad that you know what I mean

Quote:
Originally Posted by spiderowl View Post
Just because someone is nice to you or wants to be with you, doesn't make them nice. The fact that she's asking to hang out with you doesn't make her nice. She might well like you - and why not? - but she isn't being very nice to you. She's embarrassed you. She doesn't listen and keeps asking the same questions. She's trying to push you to behave in a way you are not comfortable with. She is trying to control you! All in all, I feel she is in this to serve her own needs and hang-ups not yours. SHE might want to hang out with you but that in itself doesn't make her a good friend.

Think about what qualities you would want from a good friend. Make a list. Does she fit them?
I definately agree with the bolded part. Some things happened the other day that made me feel so uncomfortable, but I'll explain that in my next post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
Real and true friends don't make you feel bad about yourself.

This girl is insecure and just shooting off her mouth because she can't stop talking.

Be courteous, be nice, but keep your distance. You don't want her as an enemy, that's for sure!

In the meantime, detach and don't let what she says bug you. It seems the others are mature and old enough to decide for themselves and stuff she said didn't affect how they feel about you.

Besides, spending time with your cats and doing yoga are the best! Don't ever feel bad about that!
Thanks!
I think you are right to say she is insecure. I find it very interesting that out of all the people we hang out with it is a bunch of other guys and then me and her are the only girls. Not once have I heard her say anything to embarass anyone else nor has she asked probing questions of anyone else. It is just me that she focuses on. Is it because I'm a woman so therefore I am a threat? I feel as though she is trying to figure me out or size me up.
SpiralOut is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th November 2011, 4:46 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,917
UPDATE

okay I came back here today to post an update.

I went against my better judgement and hung out with her on Friday. She has been telling me so many times we should hang out and I've been dodging her questions for so long. I finally caved in I guess you could say. I figured I would give her another chance because maybe I was being too hard on her.

First of all she insisted upon paying for dinner. Even though last time we hung out she payed and I told her I would pay for it the next time. When we went out aftre for drinks, I paid for my own drinks. When I tried to leave a tip she picked up my money, handed it back to me and put down her own money for a tip. This bothered me. It's a bit insulting, actually. I think she did this because she knows that she has fewer bills to pay than me and I guess she was trying to be nice. But I am not a charity case! I am worried that she is doing this to try and make me owe her something.

One of our other friends from work stopped by for an hour to talk with us. While he was there she totally out of nowhere asked me a question about my ex-boyfriend whom I have been broken up with for 9 months now. She never met him. She knows we're apart. So why is she bringing him up? It upset me and I babbled some things. Our other friend sat there not looking at us and was totally silent. I think he felt uncomfortable by it. I was so surprised that I didn't know how to tell her that I don't want to talk about my ex.

When we were drinking she discussed in detail all of the guys who are still in love with her even though they are married. She says they bother her, but if they bother her so much and don't live in our city it's not like it's hard for her to ignore them. But she'll talk to them. It's like she gets off on the attention. She also complained about how she needs to worry about guys falling in love with her. Give me a break. Then she wanted to know about why me and my ex-boyfriend broke up. I told her some things that I don't mind othre people knowing about. I seriously doubt that she'll keep it to herself.

I feel like she's trying to figure me out, asking me all these questions about my ex, wanting to know how much my bills are, and always asking me what I do with my spare time. I don't think she's ever asked me what my hobbies are or what do I like to watch on TV or just normal questions like that. She just goes straight for the personal stuff. When I tried to ask her about a TV show she laughed like I was asking her the weirdest question ever?? Like sorry for trying to get to know you better.

I get the weird feeling she's sizing me up to figure out if she's better than me or not. Call me crazy if you wish, but that's the impression that I get. Why else would she say weird things about me in front of other people yet NEVER says weird things about the guys in our group?

At the end of the night, she called one of her friends from her other job to come pick her up. She told me that he could not say no to her because when she went to the casino with him he lost all her money. He also has a crush on her that she knows about but she doesn't like him back. So that weirded me out, that she is holding money against someone and taking advanage of the fact of him liking her.

She also takes advantage of her family. She gives the excuse of not moving out because they don't want her to. But that doesn't stop her from going on trips they don't want her to go on and it doesn't stop her from staying out late if they don't want her to. She is in her 30s. I think she just wants to live and eat there for free. I am wondering if the feels threatened by the fact that I am younger than her yet I stand on my own two feet financially like an adult. I don't know.

I work with her so it is impossible to ignore her. I don't want to hang out with her anymore. I feel a certain obligation to pay her back for dinner though (which is why it pissed me off that she insisted on paying for it)

When she asks me out again how do I just turn her down? She already knows that I have no life because she badgered me into admitting that I don't have one. So I can't just say that I'm busy. I am feeling rather manipulated here.
SpiralOut is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd November 2011, 6:01 AM   #10
Established Member
 
darkmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 3,532
Just tell her something's cropped up - new boyf to spend time with alone. A polite excuse! Other people might see what you do - bossy queen bees like her can end up unpopular

I've seen other messages on loveshack where freindships fade and all the person who lost the frend gets is what they call generic answers about the weather or shopping - just stop confiding in her

smile while disengaging from her - don't argue - though she might get heavy - smile.

not sure if she'll like all this but you're not married to her sort of thing and she sounds like a lousy person to confide in - for real if she discusss your ex with other people in public.

she should take the hint with you saying "I'm busy" - people make polite excuses alot

Last edited by darkmoon; 22nd November 2011 at 6:03 AM..
darkmoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th November 2011, 4:15 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,917
Thank you . . . well the only reason I confide in her is because she asks questions over and over until I feel worn down from her interogation, and I'll answer them just to make her shut up.

I have been giving her generic questions pretty much all year but she does not take the hint!! She just doesn't get it!! She'll ask a question. I'll give a generic answer. She'll ask again. I'll just change the subject. But she STILL doesn't get the hint! I think I may have to just tell her to her face that when I avoid her questions it is because I don't want to answer them.

She invited me out to a group thing last night. I told her no I can't I'm busy. When she asked me what I am doing I told her I would be busy relaxing. lol. I didn't have the energy to even pretend to be polite. I just could not stand the idea of her saying embarassing things about me in front of everyone again, because I just KNOW that she would do it again.

Anyway. People like her stress me out. I don't like the fact that I'll probably have to tell her straight up that she asks questions that are none of her business (since she doesn't know how to take a hint).
SpiralOut is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th December 2011, 9:59 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,917
Another update. She seems to have realized I don't want to hang out with her because she became angry this past Friday when she asked me to hang out and I told her right away that it's not a good night for me. She practically yelled "why not?? what are you doing??" And I was just like I have plans already. My coworker was sitting nearby and he stood up for me. he told her to leave me alone and then he mimicked her. She must have not liked that because she didn't laugh and she walked away without saying anything.

I spoke to my friend the other night and she thinks this girl just wants to have me around so she can have a constant reminder of how much better than me she thinks she is. Which is exactly how I feel when I'm around this chick, it's like she wants me as her side-kick who follows her around and absorbs the occasional insult.

This whole thing has made me question what it is about me that attracts people like her. I feel so much better about myself than I have in a long time, so it's not like I walk around staring at the floor with super obvious low self-esteem.
thanks for the advice and support, all. I may start another thread at some point about how to not make myself a target for this sort of thing.
SpiralOut is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th December 2011, 4:35 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 558
Well, she knew you before, and it was then that she probably sized you up as someone she was "better" than and befriended you to feed her ego. Now that she's back, she can't stand the thought that you've improved yourself, hence all the questions to be sure that you are still "beneath" her and why she puts you down in public. I'm not sure if she's insecure, narcissistic or some weird combo of both. Definitely immature.

I think the best thing you can do is be direct with her. If you don't want to talk about a subject, just say "I'd rather not discuss that." If pressed, say "It's none of your business." Because it isn't. Call her on her bad behavior -- casually ask her "Why do you put people down like that?" if she puts you down in public again. Stand up for yourself more, especially when she makes a scene in front of other people. I'm glad you're coworker stood up for you, but it will be better if you do more of that yourself. I think your coworkers already know what a jerk she is, but you'll probably be more respected if you don't let her walk all over you. It will also show her that your not putting up with her crap, and she'll probably be less likely to bother you. Odds are, she'll move on to someone else she can be "better" than.

I bet that's why she's asked about Emma -- it's not that she's not listening to you, it's that she's always seen Emma as another "sidekick" like you and wants to find her again. Maybe she thought you'd find Emma for her. Either that, or she was trying to make you jealous of her doling out her attention on Emma, but I think it's the former.

In addition to being direct, you could spend more time with yoga or take up another hobby. She might not regard it as a "life", but don't let someone else convince you that you don't have one! If you're happy with who you are and what you do, don't be shamed into saying you have no life according to someone else's standards. If you're not happy, make changes. Either way, you win. I'd say Jen loses, but she's already a loser.

Last edited by NoMagicBullet; 20th December 2011 at 4:37 PM.. Reason: Better wording
NoMagicBullet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th December 2011, 1:00 AM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,917
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMagicBullet View Post
Well, she knew you before, and it was then that she probably sized you up as someone she was "better" than and befriended you to feed her ego. Now that she's back, she can't stand the thought that you've improved yourself, hence all the questions to be sure that you are still "beneath" her and why she puts you down in public. I'm not sure if she's insecure, narcissistic or some weird combo of both. Definitely immature.
You know what, I think that's true. I realized that the other week when I saw her being excessively nice to this other woman at work that most people dislike. It freaked me right out to realize that's probably exactly what she did with me when she first met me. She is already befriending someone else that she feels sorry for.

You know what else I noticed is that she embarassed me right around the time when people seemed to like me. That night, I was saying things to make everyone laugh and it was obvious that people enjoyed talking to me. That's when she suddenly said those embarassing things about me. It might be my imagination but I'm 99% certain that she couldn't stand the idea of me actually making friends and being sort of cool to hang out with. So she tried to cut me down to put me back in my place. (She never saw me act outgoing like that before.)

Quote:
I think the best thing you can do is be direct with her. If you don't want to talk about a subject, just say "I'd rather not discuss that." If pressed, say "It's none of your business." Because it isn't. Call her on her bad behavior -- casually ask her "Why do you put people down like that?" if she puts you down in public again. Stand up for yourself more, especially when she makes a scene in front of other people. I'm glad you're coworker stood up for you, but it will be better if you do more of that yourself. I think your coworkers already know what a jerk she is, but you'll probably be more respected if you don't let her walk all over you. It will also show her that your not putting up with her crap, and she'll probably be less likely to bother you. Odds are, she'll move on to someone else she can be "better" than.

I bet that's why she's asked about Emma -- it's not that she's not listening to you, it's that she's always seen Emma as another "sidekick" like you and wants to find her again. Maybe she thought you'd find Emma for her. Either that, or she was trying to make you jealous of her doling out her attention on Emma, but I think it's the former.
Thank you for the suggestions. I know I need to stand up for myself more often. The main reason I don't is because I just don't know how. That might sound odd but it's true. It's something I've been working on, though. There was this one time when she asked me how much the rent is at my old apartment and I just said "I'd rather not say" and she got this unhappy surprised look on her face. hahaha. Seriously though, the things she says to me sometimes are so random and weird that I am at a loss of what to say.

For example, last time I hung out with her I mentioned my period of unemployment last year. She responded to that by laughing. Most people would never have the nerve to laugh at that, although she was drinking so maybe that's why. Either way, it told me that there's no way she and I can be friends.


Quote:
In addition to being direct, you could spend more time with yoga or take up another hobby. She might not regard it as a "life", but don't let someone else convince you that you don't have one! If you're happy with who you are and what you do, don't be shamed into saying you have no life according to someone else's standards. If you're not happy, make changes. Either way, you win. I'd say Jen loses, but she's already a loser.
Are you suggesting that she shamed me into telling her I have no life? I never thought of it that way. I mean whenever she asks me what I do I'll say something like "work on my writing, go running, etc" but instead of asking me further questions about those things she would continue to ask and ask and ask what do I do? Like she does not consider those things to count as actually doing anything? I always thought that was weird of her to not accept my answers. I mean if she cared so much about what I do she could have asked me what sort of stuff do I write or how long have I been running. But she never asks me anything like that. She just ignores that like it doesn't matter. I think she just wants to know how many people I socialize with.

Anyway, thank you. I think this is exactly what I need to hear. I've been putting a lot of effort towards improving my life over this past year. I have a long ways to go still, which is why I get upset when she pushes at me to know what I do with myself. I don't feel secure enough in myself to be able to deal with someone like her. By the time I DO figure out how to deal with her, I'll be able to handle anyone!

I love your final sentence. Well put!! Haha.

Last edited by SpiralOut; 24th December 2011 at 1:28 AM..
SpiralOut is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2011, 9:44 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 57,487
Bottomline is this, don't be friends with anybody who makes you feel bad about yourself. Life is too short to waste time, love, care and energy on someone who isn't worthy of your friendship.
furby19 likes this.
whichwayisup is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
red flags gamechanger Dating 16 4th October 2011 9:57 PM
Red flags, what to look for... Illiandra Dating 9 23rd April 2011 1:22 PM
Red Flags!! Jmina Coping 19 4th June 2008 5:54 PM
Red flags? lovecrazed22 Getting Married 4 30th July 2006 4:39 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:00 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.