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Need About a Colleague CRUSH!


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Old 14th February 2010, 5:28 PM   #1
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Need About a Colleague CRUSH!

Well, this is my first post and I'm kind of nervous. I work in a small-ish office (about 40 professionals, plus an equal number of support staff). There's a new guy-- a professional peer- who started about a year ago. And somehow I've developed this overwhelming crush on him. I mean, I just WANT him. And I think about him a lot. But I'm married-- happily! For over 10 years. I love my husband--he's the best! But our sex life is just ho-hum. And I have this fantasies about my new colleague that are so HOT. I know it's awful and I should be shot! My crush is married, too.

Okay-- it gets worse. I went to a conference a couple months ago and we went out to dinner with another colleague. We all got way too drunk. I managed to behave, but we were both flirting with each other all night. When we entered the elevator (having said goodnight to our other colleague), my heart started racing. As I got out on my floor, I told him I had a crush on him! Then I just left.

Well, obviously I was really embarrassed about telling him about my crush, especially since I was drunk (I don't drink much, so I'm not used to drinking!). When we got back to the office, I told him face to face that I was sorry, asked for his forgiveness, and told him I value him as a friend and colleague and didn't want to lose that. He was very gracious and said it was no problem, it was forgotten, and not to worry.

Since then we've still been chatting as much as before (at least once per day, often in my office with the door closed-- but only about professional issues). He asked me out to lunch the other day, and I've asked him out. We go alone, but still nothing unprofessional from either of us. Just business chit chat and light personal talk.

I catch him looking at me at almost every meeting. He quickly looks away. He seems to like talking with me as much as I like talking with him. He knows I have a crush on him. We still go to lunch. And even though I haven't acted on it-and not sure I ever will-- I still have this incredible crush on him. I'd love to just kiss him. Or maybe a one night stand, just to get it out of my system and move on with my life!

Okay-- so here's the questions:

1. Do you think he may have a crush on me to, from what I've described? He's never said so, and he doesn't behave inappropriately, just flirty in a no-pressure kind of way (which is wonderful).

2. How can I stop thinking about him and wanting him? Would it be better to go "cold turkey" and try to avoid/ignore him as much as possible?

3. Is it possible to lust after someone, have them, and then forget about them/move on? Or would this be playing with fire?

I know I'm not a poster girl for the good wife right now, though I do plan on staying married to my current husband for the rest of my life. I feel so confused-- this wasn't part of the plan, and it's taken me by surprise that I could lust after someone so much after so many years of being happily married.

If anyone's been through anything like this before, I would like to hear your story and how you handled it.
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Old 16th February 2010, 12:29 AM   #2
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It's really nice to have a good relationship with your colleague, but that's where the limit should be. I can reassure you that he will never jeopardize his family life and his job over someone's interest or lust. My best advice is to seriously stay away from trouble. A one night stand is not worth loosing your your family and your job.
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Old 17th February 2010, 11:17 PM   #3
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Thanks

Thanks, Chantal. It is wonderful to feel that tingly, attracted feeling again. But I would not lose my job-- could not, actually, due to my special employment status. So I wouldn't worry about that, though I would worry about not being able to pull back emotionally if I crossed the line. Part of me thinks I could just have one kiss or a one night stand and then it would be out of my system. Another part of me worries that it would be too fantastic, and I would be overwhelmed and unable to retreat.

Has anyone out there had this kind of crush, acted on it once, and then put it behind you without regrets? Or is this just too idealistic/unrealistic? Am I overestimating my ability to separate my physical urges from my mind and heart? Seems like guys can do this with ease, so why can't women, too?
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Old 18th February 2010, 1:42 AM   #4
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Stop letting yourself feel. Stop thinking about him, stop the nice thoughts, how it makes you feel, the fantasy of it all. Just..Stop. That's how men do it, they focus on other things and are able to push the thoughts OUT until they disappear. Try it, be active and I bet you within a week it won't be the same.

Don't let yourself think of him in the morning, at night before bed, at work, nothing. If you feel yourself slipping, distract yourself, so he goes out of your head.

If you want to get over the crush you will. Fact is, he's married, off limits to you so it's POINTLESS to even 'go' there and allow yourself to fantasize/want him.

Plain and simple - Start looking at him in a negative way. HE is far from perfect, so you need to tear down that fantasy of him being perfect. His sh.it stinks like everyone else's...
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Old 18th February 2010, 1:44 AM   #5
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Part of me thinks I could just have one kiss or a one night stand and then it would be out of my system.
He..Is...Married..

Don't fall for MM. Go read in the OW/OM section. then go read in the infidelity section.

How would you like it if your husband allowed a 'girl who had a crush on him' a kiss, or slept with her. Put yourself in that situation for a moment - How would you feel?

Don't be that girl at work who falls for married men. You do have a reputation to think about, people aren't stupid, they can see what is going on if you're oogling him..

EDIT TO ADD, sorry I must have missed it..
I see you're married.

Tell your H about the crush.
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Old 18th February 2010, 4:34 AM   #6
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I second everything except of telling your H. This would be a very very stupid move. Nothing happened and nothing is going to happen, why strike waves for nothing ? deal with this yourself and keep it to yourself, not everything has to be discussed... Your H might be upset and worried afterwards and you will be unable to convince him that nothing will happen there.

Besides, aren't you there to perform certain tasks ? and I doubt that drooling over this colleague is one of them (please take this comment with humor). So try to focus on what you are PAID to do and give it time, it may not be easy - but not impossible either.
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Old 19th February 2010, 1:32 AM   #7
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Your idea about just stopping the fantasy is a good one. I will give it a try. But honestly, he's in my office so much, it's hard to stop appreciating his looks and personality. If I could get away with avoiding him at work, it would be so much easier. But my job requires that I have constant contact with him. And given the complete security of my job, it's not one I am going to leave. To be honest, he is much more vulnerable than me because he actually could be fired (I cannot). So I will have to come up with some sort of distraction device when he's in my office (or me in his) and we're alone together. I'll have to think of him passing gas or something that makes me associate him with unpleasant thoughts!

As for telling my H, I think that's definitely NOT in the cards for me. Nothing has happened yet, so why confess to what's essentially just a crush and flirtation? No need to rock that boat, seems to me.

Just another question I'd like to throw out there, for anyone who's been involved with an affair, especially one in the workplace: How do you know if what you're feeling for someone is "just a crush" or something more? When you're married, it seems like you just write off your feelings for others as "just a crush," when, in fact, it could be something deeper, but you just don't get a chance to find out, due to social constraints about monogamy.
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Old 21st February 2010, 8:07 PM   #8
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You are married. Quit trying to rationalize cheating on your husband.

If you want advice on how to do this, I'd say you picked the wrong board to post on. Try the OW or infidelity forums as whichwayisup said.
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Old 22nd February 2010, 2:27 AM   #9
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I love the way the OP has discovered the excitement of being so vulnerable to her own feelings, aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I have hope that her efforts to share them with the world, at Loveshack, are going to be helpful in a way that allows her to keep feeling the experiences inside withOUT having to cross the line professionally or in terms of her marriage.


It is quite satisfying to know that your crush *knows*... when he isn't turning and running away, even when it is in a work environment.


Now I think the OP is going to have to call on all of her strength and resist acting on her feelings and vibes.


I'm sure some will try to suggest that she has already sinned with an "impure thought" or 3000 of them. In male terms her offenses are no greater than continuously hoping that hottie from Human Resources gets on the elevator with him at lunch time again, complete with her pantyline showing.
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Old 22nd February 2010, 1:24 PM   #10
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Think about your husband having a "super crush" on a young woman in his office. He can't stop thinking and lusting for her. He wants her and has finally told her he has a crush on her. They sometimes go away on business trips together. What do you suppose would happen after that and how would you feel?
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Old 22nd February 2010, 1:27 PM   #11
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Gee whiz, can't a girl have some fantasies? I have NOT cheated on my husband and I am NOT trying to "rationalize" doing so. I am posting my feelings (not acted upon) on a bulletin board in order to try to get some people to share their experiences similar to mine. Thought that's what these sites were for.

Those of you who think that thinking about someone = cheating must be very, very pure individuals. I can't live up to your standards! Can anyone? Guess you never see that hot model on TV and wonder what he looks like without his Calvins on? Not sure I really see any difference with my own lustful thoughts, though I did confess them. Not sure if the confession was a good or bad thing, it was just a thing.

I kind of have a feeling that a lot of women out there think that lusting after another guy is unnatural, evil or makes me an adulteress. Guess I'll just have to disagree with that one!
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Old 22nd February 2010, 2:44 PM   #12
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Happygirl,

I was struggling with a similar situation at my own workplace. I actually did the same thing you did and asked for advice on how to get over her here on this same forum. The responses I got were similarly puritanical...

Personally, I don't think that we're bad people for lusting or crushing on another outside of our relationship. It's part of normal, healthy human nature to notice and appreciate the opposite sex... However, I do believe it's about personal limitations in the context of your relationship.

For me, flirting with the hot girl in the cubicle over made me feel very sexually charged, as well as emotionally fulfilled due to the level of interaction we were having. It was all fun and games until I began to see it having real-life consequences on my own relationship with the girl who I love. Not only was my crush for the office girl hurting our sex life, but it was severely limiting the amount of emotional intimacy I found myself capable of within the relationship.

Ultimately, I was able to quell the crush on the office girl by investing more energy in my work and my own relationship. It was very strange in that it almost felt like falling in love all over again-rediscovering how wonderful my girlfriend is, and how much she has to offer.

Perhaps reaching out to your husband in a similar way could help. Rediscover the things you like to do together, re-kindle your sex life, or simply try to remember and re-validate the reasons you fell in love with him in the first place. You might find that you have everything you need and desire already...

Of course I still work with my former crush. She still wears hot, well fitting clothes, and still talks to me on occasion. The male animal in me still wants to boink her brains out, but that's ok at this point. Our conversations aren't flirty anymore though. When we talk, it's mostly just business, and when she shares details of her personal life, I do not allow myself to take interest. If we were both single people, I could justify allowing myself to take a "let's see where this goes" attitude. It's a much better feeling though, for me, to see her as eye candy only and leave it at that. I come home every day so happy to see my girlfriend and spend time with her.

Good luck with getting over your own eye candy... It's like a breath of fresh air.
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Old 22nd February 2010, 3:20 PM   #13
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Tman,

You may be awesome. Seriously--I appreciate the non-puritanical, practical perspective-- exactly what I was looking for. I can't condemn myself for thinking these thoughts--I'm only human. I just want help trying to deal with them. I have a very happy life and do love my husband, so I need to find ways to put the lust into perspective and deal with it. Men do it all the time, so I assume we women can as well!
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Old 22nd February 2010, 4:02 PM   #14
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Quote:
. I will give it a try. But honestly, he's in my office so much, it's hard to stop appreciating his looks and personality. If I could get away with avoiding him at work, it would be so much easier. But my job requires that I have constant contact with him.
Quote:
I can't condemn myself for thinking these thoughts--I'm only human. I just want help trying to deal with them.
No, but having thoughts and then allowing yourself to 'think, wonder, and fantasize,' takes it to the next level and makes you focus on him and feeds your feelings.

You can appreciate his looks, personality and then just focus on WORK. Separate it and go on about your day. Don't make HIM a priority in your head.
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Old 22nd February 2010, 6:32 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by happygirl1234 View Post
Gee whiz, can't a girl have some fantasies? I have NOT cheated on my husband and I am NOT trying to "rationalize" doing so. I am posting my feelings (not acted upon) on a bulletin board in order to try to get some people to share their experiences similar to mine. Thought that's what these sites were for.

Those of you who think that thinking about someone = cheating must be very, very pure individuals. I can't live up to your standards! Can anyone? Guess you never see that hot model on TV and wonder what he looks like without his Calvins on? Not sure I really see any difference with my own lustful thoughts, though I did confess them. Not sure if the confession was a good or bad thing, it was just a thing.

I kind of have a feeling that a lot of women out there think that lusting after another guy is unnatural, evil or makes me an adulteress. Guess I'll just have to disagree with that one!

I think my advice on imagining your husband in the same situation could really help you. It did me when I came here after fantazising about an ex of mine. I thought, what if my husband was doing and feeling the same way I do. I didn't like it one bit when I thought of that way and it really got me back on track with my thoughts.
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