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Anger problems and alcoholism.


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Old 20th September 2017, 8:53 AM   #106
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Thank you I really hope i enjoy the new apartment. At least i finally have my own balcony and it's towards the ocean so i can watch the horizon.

I have tried to find out what is wrong with me and found interesting quote from an ASD site. (Autism Spectrum Disorder)

"If you break up with a autistic person and say "we can still be friends", we won't see that as a throwaway line, we will expect that friendship! And we'll often getting blamed for breaking confort zone boundaries with our exes further down the line because we took at your word"

That sounds so much like me. Lots of times, i've made a person angry, because they've said "we can stay friends". And i've actually thought they mean it.

Also it seems lots of times people misinterpret me and i usually get confused why i make some people angry, as i only had good intentions but for some reason i made them mad.

Just like now with this woman i dated. I have not said anything bad to her or about her after we broke up, but still she got mad and angry at me.

And i was very confused last night what i did wrong.
but still she got mad and angry at me. -- Anger is often a "default" coping mechanism that allows someone to deal with hurt and disappointment and fear. Anger actually feels better than hurt, frustration, fear, etc. which helps a person distance themselves from being in a threatening or difficult position and that's useful if they manage it properly. Anger isn't an unhealthy thing, unless it's unmanaged/uncontrollable or violent.
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Old 20th September 2017, 8:54 AM   #107
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Now, i don't want to have autism spectrum disorder, or any diagnosis. But truth is that these days i seriously struggle.

I feel very lonely in this strange world. I anger people i don't mean to, and i get angry when there is really nothing to get angry about.

When i started making music i came up with the quote "I can't change this world, but i can create another one". A world that i understand. Where others understand me. A world of music. I can finally express myself in a way that hopefully other people understand.

Maybe i need to see the psychiatrist and talk with him if i should be sent to tests to look for ASD or something similar... Once i find out the cause to my depression, then i can start to heal.

I mean. I've been the "strange guy" ever since i started school. I remember one of my girlfriends saying "I would love to open up your head and look inside.". Not literally, but she thought i was very different from the other men she had dated or knew.

It was 10 years ago.

It's just that when you constantly hear you are "strange", "weird", etc. you start believing it. Even my sister said "You are not like others. You are quite strange allright, but in a positive way".

Yes, i am artistic, i make music and have wild imagination. But why should that be a fault? I don't want to be normal, whatever that means. I want to be happy for being who i am.

That is probably one reason why i feel depressed. i feel like i don't fit in. I feel like i have nothing common with "normal" people. Smalltalk? I hate small talk. Why talk about something that doesn't lead to anything? If you give a topic and talk about something that i find interesting i can talk about it all day long. So usually i've seen as the "silent" type. But truth is, i am not silent. I just hate talking if it's about nothing.
So i rather be silent.
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Old 20th September 2017, 9:03 AM   #108
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but still she got mad and angry at me. -- Anger is often a "default" coping mechanism that allows someone to deal with hurt and disappointment and fear. Anger actually feels better than hurt, frustration, fear, etc. which helps a person distance themselves from being in a threatening or difficult position and that's useful if they manage it properly. Anger isn't an unhealthy thing, unless it's unmanaged/uncontrollable or violent.
Yes. You are right. But i just don't understand what made her angry. Then i worsen the situation by sendin message "Why did you get angry? What did i do? I have not said anything to make you angry."

Then usually the other person gets even more angry.

Then they say evil things at me or hurt my feelings in some way, so then i become angry and say something i maybe should not say.

for example i could say something like

"Oh now you are angry at me? Why? What did i do to you? You are the one who lied to me about being friends! I am sorry what i did that night and i have apoligized many times, but you are the one who wanted to stay friends so why didn't you just tell me the truth that you want to get rid of me instead of lying! You liar! You are just like all the others. You say one thing but mean the opposite"

I DID NOT SEND HER MESSAGE LIKE THIS!

But i could've. Because i get hurt and feel like they attack me when they get angry at me for no reason. I feel violated. It feels like someone punches me in the face for no reason. Not literally, but you get my point.

This is my problem. This is how usually everything gets started.

I have good intentions, other person mis-interprets it or somehow get angry -> i get emotionally hurt -> i get angry etc.

I need to write this down on paper. This is some good self analyzing here.
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Old 20th September 2017, 9:16 AM   #109
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Yes. You are right. But i just don't understand what made her angry. Then i worsen the situation by sendin message "Why did you get angry? What did i do? I have not said anything to make you angry."

Then usually the other person gets even more angry.

Then they say evil things at me or hurt my feelings in some way, so then i become angry and say something i maybe should not say.

for example i could say something like

"Oh now you are angry at me? Why? What did i do to you? You are the one who lied to me about being friends! I am sorry what i did that night and i have apoligized many times, but you are the one who wanted to stay friends so why didn't you just tell me the truth that you want to get rid of me instead of lying! You liar! You are just like all the others. You say one thing but mean the opposite"

I DID NOT SEND HER MESSAGE LIKE THIS!

But i could've. Because i get hurt and feel like they attack me when they get angry at me for no reason. I feel violated. It feels like someone punches me in the face for no reason. Not literally, but you get my point.

This is my problem. This is how usually everything gets started.

I have good intentions, other person mis-interprets it or somehow get angry -> i get emotionally hurt -> i get angry etc.

I need to write this down on paper. This is some good self analyzing here.

"Oh now you are angry at me? Why? What did i do to you? You are the one who lied to me about being friends! I am sorry what i did that night and i have apoligized many times, but you are the one who wanted to stay friends so why didn't you just tell me the truth that you want to get rid of me instead of lying! You liar! You are just like all the others. You say one thing but mean the opposite"

When someone is angry, it's not a good idea to try to call them out on anything. It's best to let it be for a bit at least. It's not a good idea with respond to anger with anger. All that does is fuel the situation. She told she wanted to just be friends, which is usually just a soft way of ending a relationship and creating some distance. So, you just need to respect her wishes and let it be.

But i just don't understand what made her angry. -- As I recall, you say that you responded violently to something which caused her to become angry/fearful and that's why she backed off.

These kinds of situations are difficult to untangle after the fact. It's OK to try to figure it out, but at some point you just need to let it go. And, in the end, it's probably just about poor communication skills and lack of self-awareness.

Work on all this in therapy and leave it there. When you are not in the therapist's office, you are focusing on your new place and using any tools/guidance the therapist may have given you to work with.

I've been the "strange guy" ever since i started school -- This is where you need to start in your therapy. Focus more on your early childhood than on "current" situations. You need to start at the beginning in order to get to the end in an organized way.

Last edited by Redhead14; 20th September 2017 at 9:19 AM..
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Old 20th September 2017, 10:43 AM   #110
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"Oh now you are angry at me? Why? What did i do to you? You are the one who lied to me about being friends! I am sorry what i did that night and i have apoligized many times, but you are the one who wanted to stay friends so why didn't you just tell me the truth that you want to get rid of me instead of lying! You liar! You are just like all the others. You say one thing but mean the opposite"

When someone is angry, it's not a good idea to try to call them out on anything. It's best to let it be for a bit at least. It's not a good idea with respond to anger with anger. All that does is fuel the situation. She told she wanted to just be friends, which is usually just a soft way of ending a relationship and creating some distance. So, you just need to respect her wishes and let it be.

But i just don't understand what made her angry. -- As I recall, you say that you responded violently to something which caused her to become angry/fearful and that's why she backed off.

These kinds of situations are difficult to untangle after the fact. It's OK to try to figure it out, but at some point you just need to let it go. And, in the end, it's probably just about poor communication skills and lack of self-awareness.

Work on all this in therapy and leave it there. When you are not in the therapist's office, you are focusing on your new place and using any tools/guidance the therapist may have given you to work with.

I've been the "strange guy" ever since i started school -- This is where you need to start in your therapy. Focus more on your early childhood than on "current" situations. You need to start at the beginning in order to get to the end in an organized way.
Yes. I understand she was angry at THAT DAY and few days before i lost my temper. But i cannot understand why she is still angry.

I am reading books about Aspergers and explosive rage in childrens...and that fits into me very well... I always asked people to stop, but after asking and people still continued bullying, i usually lost my temper since it was my way of getting out of the situation. I didn't know anything else.

But this is definitely now the right way i am heading. Thank you.
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Old 20th September 2017, 1:37 PM   #111
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I need to write this down on paper. This is some good self analyzing here.
Yes! That's what I've been saying!! Journaling can be so helpful when thoughts are spinning inside your head.

I really hope you start doing that for your own peace of mind.
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Old 21st September 2017, 3:42 AM   #112
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Yes! That's what I've been saying!! Journaling can be so helpful when thoughts are spinning inside your head.

I really hope you start doing that for your own peace of mind.
Well, it seems usually i use web forums as my journal. Maybe i should start a "web journal"...

I noticed i may go through another depressive episode. I have just spent days inside, i feel depressed and sad. I think the "breakup" with this woman really hit me hard this time.

I could go to gym and make music and everything but somehow nothing interests me right now... I just want to sit and watch TV series from netflix (friends).

But i know i will rise up from here again. This is not the first time i feel like this.

Also the days are getting colder and darker here in finland, so lack of sunshine also starts to affect. I could just sleep, sleep and sleep.

I need to getmyself some fridge magnets and put a timetable on my fridge.

"MON 11-13 GYM
"TUE 10-15 MAKE MUSIC RELATED STUFF"
"WED 08-09 GO JOGGING"
"THU 11-13 GYM"

and so on. maybe that way i could get my life back on track again...
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Old 21st September 2017, 4:12 AM   #113
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I don't know about a web journal. To me it seems you may hold back on some thoughts and feelings if you know others will have the ability to view it too.

But whatever works for you to get you to your happy place I guess. Just to me that seems so impersonal on what I think should be a very personal journey but to each his own.

How has the non-drinking been going?
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Old 22nd September 2017, 3:44 AM   #114
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I don't know about a web journal. To me it seems you may hold back on some thoughts and feelings if you know others will have the ability to view it too.

But whatever works for you to get you to your happy place I guess. Just to me that seems so impersonal on what I think should be a very personal journey but to each his own.

How has the non-drinking been going?
Struggling.

I am going through a depression again. But i guess i am starting to feel better already. At least i've been able to sleep well. I have not slept this well in months. I jumped in my bed and fell asleep almost instantly and not once woke up during night.

But i spend my days watching tv-series, surfing the internet. etc.
But i am starting to feel more energetic. IT takes usually few days / weeks until i get back on my feet. _not the first time this is happening.
But i do feel better than let's say, week ago.

I guess i need to talk about the possibility of taking medication. I do use alcohol to medicate myself. And for some reason after drinkin, even just few drinks, next day i feel better. So i guess the damage has already happened.

Being without alcohol makes me depressed and anxious.

I remember when i was 22 years old, i was working in a game store, my GF left me and i remember how i started to take alcohol always when my shift ended. I used the bus to travel so i had no worries about driving. So my shift ended, i went to the shop and got myself a drink. When i got home i went to another shop and got few more.

To shut down my brain. As i call it. Usually my head feels like a "TV" and i am switching channels all the time. I have so many thoughts in my head. When i get few drinks my brains "slow down". Suddenly i am able to concentrate better, no more "noise" in my brain.

I guess i need to talk with my therapist. My sister promised to pay for psychiatrist if i decide to go....

There has always been noise in my brain. But when i drive a car i am able to shut down my other thoughts and concentrate on driving, that is maybe why i like to play videogames too when i am depressed etc. then i focus on the videogame and not other stuff.

I am unable to sit still in a silent room. I need something to stimulate myself.
And i do get bored very easily. When i was working in a shop (as salesperson), i got bored in 2 months. Then i start to get irritated, angry, bored, etc because i feel that job has nothing to offer me anymore. It doesn't "stimulate" me. Then i start to play these mind games to keep it exciting.

Like for example, my boss told me to get an item from the warehouse. It was a carton special photograph paper. I named it "X-10".

Then i roleplayed a secret agent "Your mission is to infiltrate enemy warehouse and steal secrec X-10 prototype paper and send it forward"

Of course i don't think i am secret agent. But it was the only way to keep me entertained about that job. It was so boring. Same things every day...

So that is maybe one reason why i drink. I am bored.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 5:51 AM   #115
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Journal to get those thoughts out. Don't take med. Thats not much better than numbing the pain with alcohol.

Do you think you're the only one who has ever had thoughts spinning inside their head? Guess again.

You can get through this but it's going to take actual effort on your part. If you're just looking for an easy way out at least own it.
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Old 22nd September 2017, 5:07 PM   #116
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It took me about 2.5 months before the fog started to clear and my head stopped spinning and thoughts started slowing down.
While your Blood Alcohol Content goes away rather quickly the after effects of Alcohol on your brain and emotions takes a while to go away.
This is what you are feeling Protec... the Alcohol has pickled your brain and it can take a long time to clear.

Removing Alcohol is causing you body to Detox itself from the effects of drinking too much..
The effect of Alcohol for an Alcoholic lasts more than a few hrs, it took me MONTHS for my head to stop racing.

Eat well and DON'T drink at ALL and wait this out for a couple/few months and your head will clear and you will be able to start to think again.
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Old 26th September 2017, 7:32 AM   #117
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This is what you are feeling Protec... the Alcohol has pickled your brain and it can take a long time to clear.

Removing Alcohol is causing you body to Detox itself from the effects of drinking too much..
The effect of Alcohol for an Alcoholic lasts more than a few hrs, it took me MONTHS for my head to stop racing.

Eat well and DON'T drink at ALL and wait this out for a couple/few months and your head will clear and you will be able to start to think again.
No, it's not about not being able to think. My head has always been in a state like that. I remember when i was in 14-18 years old and my head never stopped thinking. I did not use alcohol back then at all. I think it may have something to do with my cyclothymia.

I really don't want to admit i have something like that. but again, after feeling 2 weeks very depressed, now my head feels light, i feel more positive about everythin and i feel much more energetic.

I do get these "depression" weeks when i just sit in my couch and watch tv. Now as i feel better mentally, i've spent more time outside and have planned about my music project. I get something done again.

I have my therapy session thursday, i try to talk with my therapist about my drinking.

I don't know why my mood goes up and down, nothing has changed in my life but suddenly i feel better again.

I do admit when i feel better my self-esteem is better as well. I feel i can succeed whatever i am goind to do. I feel more brave, i look people into eyes when i talk with them etc. Sky is beautiful (even if it's raining), everything is fine. I love music, i love myself etc.

And when i have these depression weeks i feel like i could sell my all music equipment, everything is pointless, life is boring, everyone is stupid, etc.

It's tough.
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Old 27th September 2017, 6:02 AM   #118
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And now the woman removed me completely from WhatsApp. Why?
I have not sent anything to her in few days.

Yesterday i checked she still was in my whatsapp.

It seems she was another lying sack of sh*t i've encountered countless of times.

"oh you are so fun and nice! "you smell so good!" etc. then one, ONE MISTAKE, and they erase you from your life like you never existed.

"We can stay friends.".

GOD i am angry. I am so angry i want to go to her shop and rip down the shelf i installed just month ago when she asked so nicely.

"Could you come and install the few shelves to my shop? I cannot do it myself".

ARGH!

"HERE! Here are your shelves now! DOn't EVER, EVER LIE TO ME AGAIN! F-you, f-your friends and f-everyone."

I am so fed up with people. Everyone lies, deceives, they say they are your friends and care about you but when you make one mistake they ditch you like a rotten apple.

They are all two-faced. How the f'k am i supposed to trust people? Since EVERY ONE has always lied to me my whole life. "Let's be friends". Nope. In some kind of bizarro world (where i apparently live in), it means : I don't want to be your friend but it was nice to know you.

I love you - As long as you are nice and play by the book, i love you. Make one mistake and i make sure i erase you from my life just as fast you came into it.

I care about you - I say this just to make you feel better. I care about you, but once this is over, i don't care even if you die. Oh, and i will block you so even if you'd need help, i am not going to help.

Oh. And i got the new apartment. WOOP.
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Old 27th September 2017, 11:06 AM   #119
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Have you ever read about dysphoric mania? A lot of people think mania is only extreme energy and over spending and wild, euphoric sex. But no....DYSPHORIC mania is relentless thoughts and at time uncontrollable rage.

If you tend to go in cycles, I would ask your therapist about this.

Oh, and congrats on the apartment.

And regardless of what some may say about meds, in some cases, that is like telling a diabetic not to take insulin. Meds CAN be a good thing in conjunction with therapy.
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Old 28th September 2017, 1:47 AM   #120
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Have you ever read about dysphoric mania? A lot of people think mania is only extreme energy and over spending and wild, euphoric sex. But no....DYSPHORIC mania is relentless thoughts and at time uncontrollable rage.

If you tend to go in cycles, I would ask your therapist about this.

Oh, and congrats on the apartment.

And regardless of what some may say about meds, in some cases, that is like telling a diabetic not to take insulin. Meds CAN be a good thing in conjunction with therapy.
Yes, i have talked with my psychiatrist about my "cycle" and i have noticed now to have more energy etc. but also i am very quick tempere atm. Even people standing close to me in shop irritate me. I just want to be alone.

Also fell off the wagon yesterday. I was supposed to be happy about the new apartment, but i wasn't all i did was angry about that woman erasing me from her life. I sent text message why she erased me "NOW JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!".

I got so depressed and angry (not angry at her, at myself) i decided to go and buy alcohol. Here i am, having a hangover and i need to leave to therapist.

Do i feel good? No. Absolutely not. Did i feel good at evening? No. Absolutely not. I think this time i got wasted to actually punish myself. So, kind of self-destructive behaviour.

I feel alwul. Failed and miserable. I was so happy i managed to do 2 weeks with only one beer. But positive side: I know i can do 2 weeks. I did it once, i can do it again.

Now i did myself a calendar. Every day i am without alcohol i will put a check marker on it. And at the end of each week, there is a prize. Nothing big, maybe candy, rent a movie, something. The money i save from not drinking, i can use part of it for something good and nice.

This is my new plan. Reward myself for not drinking.

yesterday when i was angry i tried to really hard to think "Why are you angry?" I was angry because she was mean towards me, i was angry because i caused it, i was angry because i couldn't fix it, i was angry because i lost a nice person. I was angry because she thinks i am a lunatic.

And no matter how i tried "it's ok, everything is going to be all right, you have gotten through worse." It did not help. It's so powerful. It lasted for almost 2 hours and then it got over by itself. It's a reaction, it's my body, not my mind. I measured my heartbeat when i was angry, it was around 100. My breathing is faster. It's like i am preparing to fight and there is nothing to fight at!

That's why i kick a lamp post. I have to get that anger out of my system in some way. Yesterday i held it back. It felt horrible but i had to hold it back.

So...this is kind of a bad thing i guess. It's so rooted in me, that just the knowledge that she had blocked me and textmessage from her "don't write me etc." gets me so angry that my body prepares to fight someone.

I guess it's flight-or-fight response. But man, just from a simple message? I even got the apartment! I was supposed to be happy and dancing.

I am not ok.
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