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Anger problems and alcoholism.


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Old 8th September 2017, 2:13 PM   #31
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Couples must support each other during hard times. True, we were not couples yet and i understand her decicion. But i myself have forgiven cheating, violence towards me (nails deep in your neck hurt), i have been mentally abused, cheated, belittled, i always still try to fix things.

I still wonder why she would want to be my friend if i am a ticking timebomb.

"We can still try to be friends when the dust settles", she said.

Why?

Why does she want to be my friend. She has million friends already. She doesn't need me.
Because she's like most women who find themselves in this kind of situation -- she's being too nice and doesn't understand that it's a road to destruction. This is one of the biggest downfalls for women and it consistently makes them victims.

Just a comment about being supportive. I get it that couples should support one another etc. But there comes a point when a relationship is far too abusive and unhealthy. Walking away isn't about support vs non-support. It's about knowing when to walk away, when it means your mental health, the welfare of your children, all that. Your ex-gf isn't really walking away and is leaving that door open. But, the truth is, humans - by nature - cannot sustain a relationship that's seeped in fear, anger, disrespect. So you probably will get back with her but it won't last as long as things stay the same. The writing is on the wall.

Btw, hitting inanimate objects is interpreted by others as an open threat. There's some part of you that knows this and you're using it to control those around you. Until you get to the root of the real reasons why you behave the way you do, this issue will haunt you all your life.

My ex used to get angry all the time because he "misunderstood" something that was being said. I can't tell you how many times I heard that excuse. But you know what? I misunderstand others every now and then and I have never once had the kind of reactions he had. The truth is, his anger was looking for an excuse to unleash itself. Alcohol, other people's words or actions -- all great excuses.

As I said before, you have to turn that switch off in your brain until the idea of acting out your anger is no longer an option. This doesn't mean you never get angry, it just means that you stop acting on it in the way you have been. Just because you get angry doesn't mean you need to put on a performance.
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Old 8th September 2017, 2:45 PM   #32
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Because she's like most women who find themselves in this kind of situation -- she's being too nice and doesn't understand that it's a road to destruction. This is one of the biggest downfalls for women and it consistently makes them victims.

Just a comment about being supportive. I get it that couples should support one another etc. But there comes a point when a relationship is far too abusive and unhealthy. Walking away isn't about support vs non-support. It's about knowing when to walk away, when it means your mental health, the welfare of your children, all that. Your ex-gf isn't really walking away and is leaving that door open. But, the truth is, humans - by nature - cannot sustain a relationship that's seeped in fear, anger, disrespect. So you probably will get back with her but it won't last as long as things stay the same. The writing is on the wall.

Btw, hitting inanimate objects is interpreted by others as an open threat. There's some part of you that knows this and you're using it to control those around you. Until you get to the root of the real reasons why you behave the way you do, this issue will haunt you all your life.

My ex used to get angry all the time because he "misunderstood" something that was being said. I can't tell you how many times I heard that excuse. But you know what? I misunderstand others every now and then and I have never once had the kind of reactions he had. The truth is, his anger was looking for an excuse to unleash itself. Alcohol, other people's words or actions -- all great excuses.

As I said before, you have to turn that switch off in your brain until the idea of acting out your anger is no longer an option. This doesn't mean you never get angry, it just means that you stop acting on it in the way you have been. Just because you get angry doesn't mean you need to put on a performance.
Trust me. I did not want to get angry. I've had anger problems my whole life. I don't try to make excuses. This is 100% on me. I did not try to control her.
So please, i know i did wrong, and i paid a great price for my mishap, i lost a woman i really liked.

I have no excuses. It was me who decided to drink alcohol, it was me who decided to go out bowling even as i was tired. it was me who got angry about something because under too influence of alcohol. Everything could've been avoided.

So please. I know.
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Old 8th September 2017, 2:57 PM   #33
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All this talk about being an Alcoholic but have you even been to an AA meeting ?

I suggest you do that.. posting on an internet forum isn't going to fix that fact you're an Alcoholic.. only you can fix this.. why not start ?
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Old 8th September 2017, 3:00 PM   #34
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You need to do 90 days and 90 meetings.. you have been arrested for DV because of your drinking and have lost people close to you..

Call your local AA Chapter.. they have meetings in Finland
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Old 8th September 2017, 3:04 PM   #35
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https://alcoholics-anonymous.eu/meet...sml-region=835

Talk to your counselor about getting to a meeting if you can't find one and do it, quit for good and for all... day by day of course
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Old 8th September 2017, 11:08 PM   #36
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Trust me. I did not want to get angry. I've had anger problems my whole life. I don't try to make excuses. This is 100% on me. I did not try to control her.
So please, i know i did wrong, and i paid a great price for my mishap, i lost a woman i really liked.

I have no excuses. It was me who decided to drink alcohol, it was me who decided to go out bowling even as i was tired. it was me who got angry about something because under too influence of alcohol. Everything could've been avoided.

So please. I know.
Ok, fair enough. Understood. I think you already know these aren't easy fixes. It's very easy for someone with no attachment to alcohol at all to say they'll never take another drink again. It just makes no difference to that person. It's a very different thing when there is that attachment. I think the others are right that it would be good to start somewhere -- anger management or AA - or both. I hope you'll keep us posted on how you're doing.
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Old 9th September 2017, 1:02 AM   #37
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Couples must support each other during hard times. True, we were not couples yet and i understand her decicion. But i myself have forgiven cheating, violence towards me (nails deep in your neck hurt), i have been mentally abused, cheated, belittled, i always still try to fix things.
You may choose to stick around in unhealthy relationships and try to fix them.
But conventional wisdom says that if a relationship is toxic or a partner shows risky behaviour that you need to get yourself the heck out of there.

Most people believe that feeling mentally and physically safe - and reducing personal risk - is more important than supporting a partner who's behaviours make you feel unsafe or potentially at risk.
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Old 9th September 2017, 9:30 AM   #38
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Well, i guess i can celebrate a bit...i've been 1 week now without alcohol.

I've been very depressed the whole week, and even though i won a nice amount of money from a slot-machine, i still feel terrible for what i did.

I don't know why but i would love to have a drink or two. Just few cool beers to ease my mind...But i can't. I promised to myself and to my sister and to my therapist.

So i am drinking cola. This is hard but i have to go through this...

Next week i go to see psychiatrist and get another diagnose or at least talk about very mild medication. I need to get back on my feet.

I was already doing better, finally got over my ex, started to exercise again etc.

But now i literally came crashing down. I was so happy. Week ago, pretty much this same time, i was eating good dinner she prepared for me. Such a sweet gesture...

And i blew it all up.

But good thing is i've been without alcohol now.

If anyone else struggles with anger or alcohol problem, feel free to talk with me. We can all support each other. We are not bad persons, we just have issues we have to solve to become better persons.
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Old 9th September 2017, 10:35 AM   #39
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Live a clean life and increase your physical activity instead of self medicating. Also keep going for counseling to work through the pain that you feel the need to drink away.

Something is making you feel very bad about yourself and you need to address whatever that is head on.
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Old 9th September 2017, 10:49 AM   #40
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Just read your update and you're doing so well! Of course it's not going to be easy to give up drinking, if it were everyone would have aced it but you're on the right path so stick with it!

I'm sorry things didn't work out with your last GF but maybe you needed that experience to get you to where you are today you know? Like a stepping stone to get you someplace better?

I've found that the healthier I am in my mind the healthier the partners I attract tend to be. Not to say that she's not a good person or deserved to be hurt by you in any way but maybe just for you to recognize the relationship for what it was, forgive yourself and move on.

I admire you. It takes a great courage to make big changes!
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Old 9th September 2017, 11:14 AM   #41
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The first step is AA and from there, if you follow what you will be taught there, you'll become clear about the further paths you need to take.

There is really nothing else to talk about. You can't and won't deal with your underlying issues until you remove the crutch of alcohol. If you prefer, you can waste many more months and years trying to find other ways; maybe you will. In your shoes I would not choose to take the time to try to find them.


Regarding the woman problems you have: NO. No self respecting woman would stay with a man who has rage and alcohol problems. Staying with a person who is unstable and a substance abuser is not "sticking with your partner through good times and bad." If you get your issues sorted out you won't stay with someone like that either.

Good luck, if you make it to AA please let us know how you're doing.
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Old 10th September 2017, 3:45 AM   #42
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I had a problem in the last year of uni. Was `mullered` rather too often.

The world of work changed it. I soon realised being `Bladdered` was not the best way to turn up for interviews.

If it`s really really serious then like others have said, get to AA. You need a support network.

Forget about girlfriends for now, the priority is getting clean.

I doubt it will be easy but there are others here who have come out the other side. So you have a network here too. But a physical one is essential.

It`s great when your straight` (Meaning sober)
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Old 10th September 2017, 1:00 PM   #43
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Thanks for the support everyone.

I am very happy i managed to stay full week without alcohol. So i guess i am not that much hooked into it as i thought. Which is very GOOD.

Now i've realized i don't need alcohol to feel better. Of course this has been hard week for me anyway, because of what happened week ago. I still am bit depressed about it all.

I really lost a great woman this time. We already had future plans for xmas and both of us dreamt about future together, so i am very sad about what happened. And i will be for a long time.

It's not every year you find woman like that. I really did like her.

Anyway, i bought myself (1) ONE beer with dinner. I decided i can allow myself to have (1) ONE beer with dinner during weekends. No more. Just one or maybe i don't even need the one.

Anyway, after that one beer i felt normal. I had no feelings of sadness, rage, or anger or anything.

My biggest problem has been that i drink when i am depressed. I have usually used alcohol to get rid of the depressed feeling, and it usually just backfires.

I do intend to stay clean from now on. What i mean about being clean is, i don't have to get wasted. I can have 1 beer and leave it at that.

I am actually very surprised i managed to go sober the whole week and i still am sober. I mean, i lost a woman i cared about, i basically f'd up my future. I won money and even that win did not help to lighen up my mood.

Every time i want to get wasted i just need to recall the image in my head.

"You lost a woman because you get too drunk. Don't do it".

I don't have many friends. We have grown apart. I guess i have to try to make new ones and still learn how to be alone and enjoy life alone.
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Old 11th September 2017, 9:06 AM   #44
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Anyway, i bought myself (1) ONE beer with dinner. I decided i can allow myself to have (1) ONE beer with dinner during weekends. No more. Just one or maybe i don't even need the one.
Dude.. that isn't going to work.. you have to give up Alcohol..

You ever heard the saying that "one beer is too many and a 1000 isn't enough".. you live that so why not go get some help and quit drinking for good and for all...

You never even tried to quit for 2 weeks before you started drinking again..

I've been reading your threads for a long time and you have spoke of your drinking problem often so it's quite obvious you have one...

Something to think about:

Someone who DOESN'T have a drinking problem doesn't ask themselves if they have a problem...


So you have one and by the sounds of it you are an Alcoholic... now is the time to fix it...
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Old 11th September 2017, 10:00 AM   #45
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Dude.. that isn't going to work.. you have to give up Alcohol..

You ever heard the saying that "one beer is too many and a 1000 isn't enough".. you live that so why not go get some help and quit drinking for good and for all...

You never even tried to quit for 2 weeks before you started drinking again..

I've been reading your threads for a long time and you have spoke of your drinking problem often so it's quite obvious you have one...

Something to think about:

Someone who DOESN'T have a drinking problem doesn't ask themselves if they have a problem...


So you have one and by the sounds of it you are an Alcoholic... now is the time to fix it...
Today i've been without alcohol again and i am doing fine

But i understand what you are saying. Couple years ago during the whole year all i drank was 6 beers, and that was one nice summer day with friends.
But you are right. 1 beer can lead to 2nd beer...and 2nd to 3rd...

I still hate myself for messing up with that woman. I mean i don't usually meet women easily, i've been in tinder for over half year, not a single date and on various other dating sites as well. Then i meet her, by coincidence (my pants ripped, she fixed them).

Then we meet each other few times, we talk and i noticed we have lot in common (hobbies) and we have very similar style of humour and being with her is very natural and easy... Her values about relationships and life matched with mine pretty much.

There are not many women like that out there...and i f'd it all up by going berserk about something ridiculous :/

Gosh i still hate myself. Not saying she was the perfect woman for me but still i would have loved to see where it all could have lead.
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