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What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.


Abuse Support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse.

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Old 21st April 2017, 9:36 AM   #631
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Im not sure if bf is giver. I dont get a feeling he is expecting something back. I might be wrong though. I decided to take some space from him and I have been doing my own stuff. Soon I am travelling too. So we will have natural break too. I think his biggest charm has worn off because of his anxiety issues. He seems to be now some how serious. He has been talking about e.g. travelling together. He told me he talked to his friend about his anxiety attacks but imho he should go to therapy and I told him that. When he is actually seeking help I will take him seriously again. Now its just words. I feel good though. I kept my boundaries and showed self respect.
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Old 21st April 2017, 9:57 AM   #632
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Admittedly I haven't read the whole thread so will only answer the OP -

what worked for me was
1. empowering myself by leaving.
2. finally trusting my feelings and waking up from the permanent state of gaslighting I was put in.
3. talking it out with anyone who would listen. My friends were completely aghast at the stuff I was telling them, which helped keep my sanity.
4. stopping to care about what he's thinking, what's he's feeling, what he'll do next, whether he cares (spoiler: he doesn't).
5. stopping to feel guilty for inviting him into my life - he invited himself through the back door via manipulation and lies.
6. paying particular attention to any new man's reaction to stuff: if I'm triggered for any reason, I'm done.
7. if a guy shows consistent signs of emotional instability (irritability, moods swings, anxiety, lack of empathy, not owning up to his issues, 'loner' type or any signs that word and action do not match), I'm gone no matter his circumstances or explanations, no matter whether I'm attracted to him or not, not matter whether we 'click' or not.

I would advise anyone to not play Russian roulette with their emotional and mental well being.
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Old 21st April 2017, 11:46 AM   #633
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^ Well said.
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Old 8th May 2017, 3:28 PM   #634
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I feel weird. Lately bf and I havent been seeing each other that much. He has been more attentive and sex has been amazing. But I find myself of dreaming about travelling alone and doing other things than being with him. I feel like Im not interested on dating and men in general. I just want to feel good.
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Old 10th May 2017, 2:01 PM   #635
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blockrockinbeat74 View Post
Admittedly I haven't read the whole thread so will only answer the OP -

what worked for me was
1. empowering myself by leaving.
2. finally trusting my feelings and waking up from the permanent state of gaslighting I was put in.
3. talking it out with anyone who would listen. My friends were completely aghast at the stuff I was telling them, which helped keep my sanity.
4. stopping to care about what he's thinking, what's he's feeling, what he'll do next, whether he cares (spoiler: he doesn't).
5. stopping to feel guilty for inviting him into my life - he invited himself through the back door via manipulation and lies.
6. paying particular attention to any new man's reaction to stuff: if I'm triggered for any reason, I'm done.
7. if a guy shows consistent signs of emotional instability (irritability, moods swings, anxiety, lack of empathy, not owning up to his issues, 'loner' type or any signs that word and action do not match), I'm gone no matter his circumstances or explanations, no matter whether I'm attracted to him or not, not matter whether we 'click' or not.

I would advise anyone to not play Russian roulette with their emotional and mental well being.
This is actually quite brilliant and should serve as a manual to those (like me) who do not wish to have their heart dragged around.
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Tears unveil hidden parts of your soul." - Anita Krizzan
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Old 13th May 2017, 3:02 PM   #636
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Originally Posted by Fruitee View Post
I feel weird. Lately bf and I havent been seeing each other that much. He has been more attentive and sex has been amazing. But I find myself of dreaming about travelling alone and doing other things than being with him. I feel like Im not interested on dating and men in general. I just want to feel good.
There's no reason you can't have both. My favorite book series is the Spenser novels (Robert B. Parker). Spenser and his girlfriend have been together for more than 20 years. But they aren't married. They don't even live together. They tried that and it didn't work; it was stifling for both of them. They spend the night at each other's house, except when they don't feel like it, and sleep alone. They talk every day, except when they don't. And they're madly in love with each other, BECAUSE they aren't confined to a traditional relationship.

If you want to travel, travel! Just because you have a boyfriend, that doesn't mean you can't have a life of your own. It's not all or none. That's not necessarily healthy.
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Old 16th May 2017, 12:51 AM   #637
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This whole being a good person is whole lot of work.

I have now managed to save twice my rent money and I am paying off my debt too. It feels good to have some back up money and eventually it wasnt that hard to save up.

I also said strictly to bf that I dont now want to travel because then my saving would go to **** again.

Im doing this money detoxing now. And Im avoiding all extra costs. Its very difficult to change. But I already notice huge shift in my thought.

I always travelled and bought stuff because of status and because thats what youre supposed to do. Noy even because I wanted to. It was just a habit.

Now Im thinking I am investing in my future. I used to think Im such a loser If Im not able to travel. Now Im focusing on my future and not my status.
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Old 22nd May 2017, 4:39 AM   #638
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I have now cut off even more people out of my life. I noticed that some people have hard time accepting that I might know myself, whats good for me, what I need and Im able to make decisions and stick by them. Even when I said I dont want to be friends anymore they were questioning my decision, asking what happened and saying stuff like we talk later. I dont wanna talk nor explain myself or my decisions. If someone is not adding value or peace of mind to my life. Or supporting me and my decisions its pointless to stay in contact. I dont need people who provocate me and then say Im triggered because they are right instead of understanding I dont appreciate that type of behaviour.
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Old 29th May 2017, 10:30 AM   #639
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So suddenly lot of things are making sense.

I met some bf's friends and his ex gf as well. I have been wondering why his ex is such a topic in his group of friends and why they still keep in touch. But now that I met her... I could smell her manipulative behaviour straight away.

I also talk to one of his friends and he said that ex has been using and manipulating lot of people. And he dont like her and he dont want his gf to be around her etc. That ex tried to break this couple etc.

What I have been previously wondering is how bf who is so sweet and genuine turn into anxious person with commitment issues over night. And now I know that it is because of this ex of his. Her actions and words have been poisoning his mind.

I know this sounds extreme and its not cos Im jealous of her or what not.

I dont think she is able to come between us.

But she is also someone I dont want as my friend. And I think bfs friend also managed to talk to bf and explain how she has been messing with his head.

I hadnt even said hi to her when she was already talking bs to me..

Now that we spent little time apart at the end of April and bf had been spending time with his smarter friends I feel like he is doing better and our relationship is progressing naturally.

He is also starting to see her manipulation and not to let it get to his mind.

I guess we all have that one crazy ex or someone in our group who is not good for us.
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Old 13th June 2017, 5:54 PM   #640
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Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
And to refine that a little further, know your 'bill of rights.' Know them very well. "I will not accept being lied to." "I will not accept being criticized undeservingly." Things like that. And this applies to everyone. And whenever someone crosses one of those items, you just calmly say 'You know, I have a list of things I no longer want to accept, and what you just did is one of them. So I'm going to take a break. We'll talk later." And then you just excuse yourself and go do something else, or break up with them, or leave.

My IC had me write out my list and keep it in my wallet so I would see it often and memorize them. So that I could recognize when it was being done to me.
I've been trying to find the right words to say to a
Manipulator /liar when or if they return with lies or abusive words..
you hit the nail right on the head for me. I've been trying to think of this for DAYS so I would feel prepared and strong.
Since I have kids from my ex No contact is impossible..
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Old 18th June 2017, 3:12 AM   #641
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Lately I have been thinking that maybe it is not bf having relationship anxiety. Maybe it is me.
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Old 24th June 2017, 8:18 PM   #642
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Well, I did tell you I thought you needed to learn to be alone before you'd be good girlfriend material. And you didn't.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 2:12 PM   #643
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So bf dumped me. Im not even sad. I mean I guess I havent really realised it in a way. At the same time I am relieved. His anxiety was getting best of him. There was really nothing I could have done. He told me he had become codependent of me. Im not sure if that really is the case. He also told me that he dont understand me. But in my opinion he has started to drink too much and dont understand how that affected our relationship. Well this year has gone by so fast. Dont know if I actually achieved anything special this year. But at least I will graduate soon. I guess its for better that we broke up. But only time will tell what will happen now.
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Old 28th October 2017, 9:07 PM   #644
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Have you ever just sat down and written out a list of what you'd like in a partner? Five or six things? Write it out, and keep it in your wallet. Read it every few days so it starts to become your norm. Also write out a list of things you will no longer accept and do the same.

What that will do is help you recognize the red flags before you get too deep into a bad relationship. Like my DD27 had a 2-strike rule: you can mess up once and I'll go ahead and go out with you again. But if you dis me a second time, you don't get a third date. Saved her a lot of heartache.
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Old 1st November 2017, 1:34 AM   #645
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^ Yeah we had been dating over 6 months before something happened in his drinking got out of hand it is understandable from his side. And I told him he should get help and I cannot be with someone who drinks too much. Now he is getting better, just without me. I have cried little bit but Im doing better than I expected. I should graduate in couple of months. Im hoping after that I will get a new job. But lately I have been wondering what to do with my life. Whats my purpose. What is it that I want to achieve now.
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