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What worked for you? Getting over abuse/gaslighting/cheating/lying etc.


Abuse Support for and discussion of psychological, physical, and sexual abuse.

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Old 31st January 2016, 6:00 AM   #151
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Originally Posted by dreamingoftigers View Post
These are all examples of verbal abuse.

If you read The Verbally Abusive Relationship, you'll see it.



You're doing REALLY AWESOME by the way!
Thanks.

I am actually very surprised how good I am feeling. These pills I am eating are awesome. Lol.

Anyway also going to gym etc. Is helping me alot.

I am not waiting for his messages anymore. I am not feeling jealous of him. When I start to think about him too much I am thinking about how his gf gave birth to his baby etc. To keep him out of my mind in positive light. When I look at his photos I dont feel this rush of emotions. Just some sadness.

I hope I can find love like we had again but the real love not this fake ass love.
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Old 31st January 2016, 2:18 PM   #152
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I have been trying to figure out how to block those mms messages too. But I havent got any luck yet. Today he send me a message which was photo of himself and asked me to return the favor. So I send him pic of his gf. I am horrible and going to hell.
Next time, forward his message TO his girlfriend.
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Old 31st January 2016, 2:19 PM   #153
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Additions to my list: if guy says "you are crazy" "what is wrong with you" "if you think / say so" "why do you wanna start something" "i dont have time for this bs" "you are stupid"
Yes, those are all verbally abusive things. It would behoove you to read up on books like this (or WDHDT?ITMOAACM) so you can spot it early.

Did I tell you about the movie Love At The Thanksgiving Day Parade?
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Old 31st January 2016, 2:30 PM   #154
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I have been thinking about a lot what I wrote about those things he said to me. It never really occured to me that so many guys I have been with have said those things to me. I guess it lead to me thinking that there is actually something wrong with me. Instead of these guys actually understanding me and giving me the support I need. I never called anyone crazy or something unless there was a good reason. Like when I found out about the baby and gf I said he is sick or after he beat me up I said what is wrong with him. But so many guys have told me like I am crazy if I am just asking something that is not crazy at all. For example if the guy I am seeing and I are exclusive or not. Then suddenly I am crazy. I understand if its fight then people might say things they regret. But not in normal discussion. Especially if the discussion is about the future of the relationship. Idk.
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Old 31st January 2016, 3:30 PM   #155
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There's nothing wrong with you. You didn't know how to self defend against verbal abuse, that's all. That's why it's so important to read about it, learn about it, so you can SPOT it when it happens.

That's why I asked if I'd brought up that movie yet.
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Old 1st February 2016, 7:07 AM   #156
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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Next time, forward his message TO his girlfriend.
Good idea.
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Old 1st February 2016, 7:08 AM   #157
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Yes, those are all verbally abusive things. It would behoove you to read up on books like this (or WDHDT?ITMOAACM) so you can spot it early.

Did I tell you about the movie Love At The Thanksgiving Day Parade?
Do you know if Netflix has that movie?
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Old 1st February 2016, 7:09 AM   #158
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There's nothing wrong with you. You didn't know how to self defend against verbal abuse, that's all. That's why it's so important to read about it, learn about it, so you can SPOT it when it happens.

That's why I asked if I'd brought up that movie yet.
Yeah that is my problem. Does those books have any input on how to respond?
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Old 1st February 2016, 2:21 PM   #159
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Do you know if Netflix has that movie?
No, I don't. I had to buy a copy online (it's my favorite movie). And it's not about abuse. It's a love story.

But it's about a woman dating a man, and how he oh-so subtly puts her down so that she doesn't even recognize it, but it in effect puts her under his power (waiting 5 years to get engaged). Like if she shows up to pick him up at the airport, he comes out and says 'oh, you cut your hair' and she says 'yeah, just a little,' and he says 'well, don't worry, it'll grow back.'

Or she says 'let's go to Gino's tonight' and he says 'no, we have to go to Mother's, you know how she gets, but we'll go to Gino's and you can have me all to yourself.' And then he says 'and we'll stop by your place on the way so you can change.'

Did you catch the put-downs? The not listening to her? The control of the situation? The ego?

And he's a nice guy. On the surface, nobody would ever see anything wrong with him. But over the course of 5 years, she's more or less given up who she is. By the time she finally gets the proposal, and she's packing, she's crying. Because deep down, she knows it's all wrong. But she's been manipulated so subtly over the years that she can no longer see her need to protect herself.

That's the kind of thing that shows how hard it is to recognize verbal/mental abuse and to walk away from it; the guys often just exude charm, so it must be something wrong with the girl if she's uncomfortable, right?
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Old 1st February 2016, 2:25 PM   #160
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Yeah that is my problem. Does those books have any input on how to respond?
No, IIRC, both of those books basically tell you to just run. Fast. Because he will never change.

That's why I brought up the list idea. You KNOW what a logical list should look like. You know you shouldn't accept those comments you described the other day, but you did. So if you keep a list going of those things, like in your wallet, and read it now and then, you'll catch it when you hear a guy say something like that, and you'll know to then say something like "Well, I have to go. It was nice seeing you" and then leave the situation. You don't owe them anything. You don't owe ANYONE anything. Not even parents or siblings (who likely had something to do with you ending up this way). If something makes you uncomfortable, just say 'Hey, I gotta go' and leave.

I will add, though, that there's a book my IC recommended called The Dance Of Anger, which was written specifically for women. I think you'd get a lot out of it.
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Old 3rd February 2016, 3:47 PM   #161
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I had my therapy again today. I am not sure if it was very helpful. Maybe just talking to someone is the key. But when I went there we first just talked about my general health and sleeping problems. She said if alot of things are going on in my head there is no medicine or pill for that. So basicaly there is nothing I could take that I would be able to fall asleep. So I guess I should try to clear my head before going bed.

We didn't talk about my crazy ex at all. But about my fear of the future. She didn't have any tips or ideas or suggestions for my fear of the future. Which was little bit dissapointing. Maybe next time.

We also talked about medication for my anxiety. And she said I should eat this medication for a month at least. Then visit doctor and see if its working or if I should change it into something else. She said I shoulnd't eat it for like years but just for like couple of months.

We also talked about my last real long relationship. Because my ex who I was with before this crazy one still wants to get back together. We are currently very good friends. I am not so sure about it. So we discussed little bit about it.

Also my career and work related things. Because I am worried about my financial safety.

I feel like I have so much to say. But not enough time or ways to express myself.

I have been going to gym now regularly and school is going pretty well as well. But this sleeping problem is really driving me mad. I have been listening to classical music again too. It always calms my nerves. I think eating good is also helping me a lot. Even though I am having horrible sugar and carb gravings during the day. Maybe because of the medication or because I haven't been sleeping enough. I have started to put down what I am eating to make sure I don't gain weight.

Lately I have been fooling myself or entertaining myself with idea of being with my crazy ex but not taking him seriously. But of course it is stupid idea because I would just end up hurting myself. And I am still feeling love towards him so it wouldn't be possible for me to just be his fwb or something like that.
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Old 3rd February 2016, 4:00 PM   #162
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Yeah that is my problem. Does those books have any input on how to respond?
The Verbally Abusive Relationship does.

I don't know about the books Turnera suggested.
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Old 3rd February 2016, 10:38 PM   #163
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fruitee, the LAST thing you need right now is to be with a man. Any man.

Learning to be ok by yourself, embrace being alone, for long enough that you don't gravitate toward thoughts of being with a man just cos you don't want to be lonely, is probably the hardest - and most important - thing you can tackle at this point in your life.
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Old 4th February 2016, 9:57 AM   #164
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I am feeling very anxious. I know my ex wants to get back together and I know if I get back with him all of my worries would be done. I mean then there are no financial problems and no more crazy ex problems. I wouldn't need to worry about anything. But when I think about moving and all that I start to panic. I have this image in my mind of travels and nice apartment and all that kind of stuff. But the experiences and material things are not good base for a relationship. I did love him and I dont think I will ever find a man like him. As good and caring. But why do I feel like panic and this anxious when I think about living with him again.
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Old 4th February 2016, 11:42 AM   #165
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Because you know just running to a man SO YOUR PROBLEMS DISAPPEAR is a big mistake.

You need to be able to face your own problems, BY yourself. Until you can find peace THAT way, you will NEVER be happy. Wherever you go, there you will be.

If he was so wonderful, why is he your ex?
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