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Old 20th November 2017, 7:03 PM   #1
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Too shocked to think of what to say...

I have a male friend, we met 7 years ago, he's 54.

He met his current girlfriend 5 years ago she's around 50.

They don't live together but it's a fully commited relationship with both their lives entwined with teenagers, family, friends and all that stuff.

This morning he called me early and ask for a moment. He said: I am in love with another woman. I met her one month ago. We are crazy about each other.

I fell off my chair in total disbeleif. They were like the perfect couple you look up to.

He said he thinks he fell out of love with his gf 2 years ago but he doesn't know how or why. How can you not know how you fell out of love?

He's looking for advice and I need you guys to inspire me because all I am thinking about is smacking him behind the head.

All I am thinking about is we, people, think we're in a great relationship, our bf says he loves us, we feel happy, we travel and enjoy life together and one morning POOF, gone!! no warning!!
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Old 20th November 2017, 7:04 PM   #2
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Well, you don't know that there's "no warning," do you? How well do you know the female half of this couple?
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Old 20th November 2017, 7:15 PM   #3
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I have known both for 5 years. My friend has never complained about anything to me concerning their relationship except for minors things like we all experience at a point.

He said to me nothing is wrong with his current gf and he feels like a fraud toward her.

He said he thought this was the life he wanted but he thinks now it's not.

I think he's making a huge mistake.
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Old 20th November 2017, 7:19 PM   #4
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It sounds like he has the potential to cheat :/

If he fell out of love with the first girl, for whatever reason, it might be best for him to end it with her. I don't see any other way to it, since that other woman doesn't sound like a little crush (if he used the word "love"). And he probably is making a huge mistake, like you think, but his lying to the current girlfriend is not fair to her.
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Old 20th November 2017, 7:25 PM   #5
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If he was my friend, I would tell him that what he's thinking/feeling is probably stupid infatuation, and he should seriously consider his life with his current gf.

And if after serious consideration, he wants to do something with that other girl, he needs to end things with girl 1 because it just isn't right to cheat. Overall, it is his life and his decision, though I would recommend the first option and stopping whatever kind of contact is going on with the other girl.
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Old 20th November 2017, 7:25 PM   #6
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Yeah I'd agree. They aren't living together and aren't married. I'd be supportive with whatever he decides, except for cheating. Relationships end all the time. Encourage him to end his with integrity.
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Old 20th November 2017, 7:31 PM   #7
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It is common for people with whom you feel you are close not to divulge every detail, feelings he/she may have day to day. On the surface, great, but there certainly are details in any relationship that you will not be privy to no matter how close you are.

I agree with others. If your friend is in 'love' with this new woman then he needs to know what his immediate options are. End it with the new person or end it with his long term gf.

He just met this woman a month ago and he's in love. Ask him if it's not euphoria from the newness of the relationship. It is clear that has been cheating on his current gf. Ask him if he's honestly examine this new and exciting adventure and objectively concluded that it is love.
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Old 20th November 2017, 7:33 PM   #8
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I've known a few couples this has happened to Gaeta (some were married) who chugged along in their relationships (to all intents and purposes they appeared happy) UNTIL they met someone else. This was the catalyst which prompted them to leave.

Regardless of how this new interest pans out, it's best to end it with his girlfriend in view of what he's revealed to you about their relationship.
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Old 20th November 2017, 7:38 PM   #9
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I told him it's not love but infatuation.

He told me there is no sex between them as she is non-sexual.

He said he feels a connection with new girl and he feels he knows more about her in a month than he knows about his gf of 5 years. Which is a total non-sense. He's infatuated and totally blind. After 1 month he knows nothing of this new woman. It's all a trick of the brain.

My friend is 20 years sober and he met her at an AA meeting, she is a new member, 1 MONTH sober. She will cause his fall.
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Old 20th November 2017, 7:49 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post
I told him it's not love but infatuation.

He told me there is no sex between them as she is non-sexual.

He said he feels a connection with new girl and he feels he knows more about her in a month than he knows about his gf of 5 years. Which is a total non-sense. He's infatuated and totally blind. After 1 month he knows nothing of this new woman. It's all a trick of the brain.

My friend is 20 years sober and he met her at an AA meeting, she is a new member, 1 MONTH sober. She will cause his fall.
This sounds like something deeper is going on. How does one claim that he knows this woman of 1-month more than his partner of 5-years?
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Old 20th November 2017, 7:51 PM   #11
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She will cause his fall.
Damn, that's really sad. I believe it.

But it will still be his own fault.
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Old 20th November 2017, 8:07 PM   #12
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This sounds like something deeper is going on. How does one claim that he knows this woman of 1-month more than his partner of 5-years?
I thought it was a crazy thing to say and now that I think about it I think he feels a connection with the new girl because they both suffer from alcoholism. They both ruined half their life to it, I have a feeling that's what they are connecting over! He keeps telling me how they connect and know so much about each other.
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Old 20th November 2017, 8:16 PM   #13
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I thought it was a crazy thing to say and now that I think about it I think he feels a connection with the new girl because they both suffer from alcoholism. They both ruined half their life to it, I have a feeling that's what they are connecting over! He keeps telling me how they connect and know so much about each other.
Kindred spirits. I'd put my money on this!
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Old 20th November 2017, 9:10 PM   #14
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This sounds like something deeper is going on. How does one claim that he knows this woman of 1-month more than his partner of 5-years?
This is it. I would be honest, I would tell him that I think this is a HUGE, life changing mistake. But, there's nothing else you can do.

You just never know what's really going on with someone, or what is happening in a relationship behind closed doors...
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Old 20th November 2017, 9:12 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post
I thought it was a crazy thing to say and now that I think about it I think he feels a connection with the new girl because they both suffer from alcoholism. They both ruined half their life to it, I have a feeling that's what they are connecting over! He keeps telling me how they connect and know so much about each other.
Clearly, it's not a healthy connection. For her - they usually advise recovering alcoholics not to make any life changes or get into any new relationships for one year. HE must know this, if he's been sober for 5 years.
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