I think I saw my son yesterday... that I never knew about

[GCar]

I'm 25, when I was 17 I hooked up with a girl that I went to high school with and got her pregnant. We were in completely different "clique's" and while I known [of] her since kindergarten we were never friends. I was very popular, she was the quiet kid with no friends really. I heard that she liked me and used that to my advantage for easy sex. (Yeah, I was an ass)

 

She got pregnant from that encounter. I learned after that she was a virgin before I came along. When she told me that she was pregnant I blew her off and said I'd never be involved and it wasn't mine. I told some other people, and she ended up getting teased. She said she was going to get an abortion and didn't come back to school the next year. She had no friends so I never heard anything about her and never heard from her again. I assumed she had an abortion and didn't care. I wasn't a good kid and got pretty messed up with drugs and alcohol. I wish I could go back and smack myself.

 

I honestly hadn't thought about it in years. Yesterday I was picking up my niece from school and I saw that girl. I'm positive it was her because I recognized her immediately and someone said her name as they were leaving. It is not a common name at all, I've never heard it on anyone else.

 

She picked up a little boy from a grade 2 classroom, who clearly referred to her as mommy. She is white, I'm black and that kid was clearly half and half. He also had the same cleft chin that I have. 7-8 years ago there were very few black people in this city, literally a handful. He's the right age and race.

 

That has to be my son..... And now I'm not sure what to do about it. His locker said his name is Eli. I have this overwhelming feeling to see him again. I made an excuse to go get my niece again today. Should I try and talk to her if I see her? I don't know if she would even recognize me. Or should I try and message her on Facebook, I found her profile. I was horrible to her so I don't know what to say. I'm engaged to a great woman, who I have been with for 2 years. She doesn't know about this yet. If that is my kid I want to know him and be a part of his life... I also don't want to disrupt their lives though.

[Philosoraptor]

While you did a crappy thing in the past, you do have a right to know if that child is yours.

 

Have a discussion with the woman, without the child being involved. It would be better to get a gameplan with her if you are to be part of this child's life. While you legally could push your way into his life, if she has no interest in you being part of it... and his life is good... a selfless action could be to leave him to the only life he knows rather than to shake it up for your own gain.

[GCar]

I know I was a jackass. 17-year-old me and 25-year-old me are night and day. Somewhere along the line I grew the F up. I'm not angry at her for not telling me, I'm upset that I possibly never knew. 17-year-old me would have made a ****ty father, that kid wouldn't have stood a chance.

 

I suppose ambushing her probably isn't a great idea, especially with the boy present. Part of me feels guilty for even thinking about barging into their lives after 8 years. But I never knew... I could have a son and it's such a weird thought. It makes me wonder what he likes, what scares him, what makes him laugh, does he like sports or music, has he been raised well, what are his friends like, is he happy. I live right behind the school he goes to, I can see the kids at recess through my office window as it looks right onto the field. All day I've been wondering which one is him. I don't know if I could deal with not knowing him now, if he is mine.

 

I want to approach her correctly, because if that boy is mine we need to start off on a good foot.

[dichotomy]

Tough spot.

 

If you are a good man now, and there is a really good chance he is yours - I think the child is owed a chance to know his father. I might check to make sure she is not married, or engaged or in a serious exlusive relationship with a man - if she is - the boy may some one he sees as a father - and I would back off if that's the case.

 

Also what do you do if she says "no he is not yours, thanks for reaching out, glad to hear you are a good man, now leave us alone" - how far would you go to know for sure ? Lawyers ? if so - you could end up loosing 25 % of your paycheck, and mess up your relationship with your new gal.

 

Sorry for all this.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, good for you stepping up after this time and hopefully you get some answers.

 

I've been waiting for a gaggle of kids to come looking for my husband because he got around a lot when he was younger.

 

Luckily I'm a woman so I don't have to worry about "discovering I'm a mother" years after the fact.

[aileD]

First tell your fiancé. Then take some time and don't rush into anything. You've been without him and he without you for 8 years....a little more time isn't going to hurt

 

 

Take is slow . .

[Satu]

I have no particular advice for you, but I respect and admire you for becoming the better man you are today.

 

Keep posting.

 

 

Take care.

[Patrice]

has moved on with her life. You know nothing about it or her child's life. She didn't pursue you, or ask you for anything. To suddenly want to get to know a child you didn't want or concern yourself with, is kind of sad. It might be the road not taken, and you will have to accept that. For certain, tell your fiance and find out about where this woman is with her life. For all you know, the boy has another father figure, and you will be upsetting that relationship.

[mikeylo]

Do it only if you can commit this time around. Its a huge responsibility and I would advise to not take it lightly.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm glad I'm not judged now on what I was like at 17. Good job on shaking off the *********ry of your past.

 

 

My advice is to continue to step up. Have a quiet word with her, apologizing for the way you treated her. Let her know that if this is your child (the odds seem to be about 90% pro) then you want to be a part of his life, including financially (whatever the child support guidelines are for your state, with some back pay thrown in) at whatever pace she's comfortable with. Emphasize that your goal is not to disrupt her life. Then maybe apologize again.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I'm glad I'm not judged now on what I was like at 17. Good job on shaking off the *********ry of your past.

 

 

My advice is to continue to step up. Have a quiet word with her, apologizing for the way you treated her. Let her know that if this is your child (the odds seem to be about 90% pro) then you want to be a part of his life, including financially (whatever the child support guidelines are for your state, with some back pay thrown in) at whatever pace she's comfortable with. Emphasize that your goal is not to disrupt her life. Then maybe apologize again.

 

Then when she decides she doesn't think you'd be a good father and stops you from seeing your child, you're stuck with $10,000+ in child support back pay and a legal battle in order for you to even see your son.

 

But hey, gender equality, right?

[mikeylo]

Old cliche , but money isnt everything. It can buy stuff but it cant buy love. Kids need love . Some bio parents are ****y while some step parents feel real.The only difference is love.

[GCar]

Honestly? If she said he’s not mine and I got a bad feeling… I think I would want to take it to court. It just lines up too well for him not to be my son. If he is mine, then that’s my son… I can’t walk away. If she wants child support and back pay to know I’m serious, then so be it. Knowing my child is worth it, he’s worth it. He should get to know who his father is. I don’t want him to think he wasn’t wanted by me. I didn’t know he existed.

 

Telling my fiancée will be difficult. She has always been jealous of my past, this will be worse. She has wanted to start trying for a baby. This is exactly how she wants to get one. I can’t toss my child to the side for my fiancée though. I do need to tell her though, soon.

 

I saw her today when I got my niece. She didn’t notice me but I couldn’t stop staring at them. They both looked happy and I feel like I’m going to shatter that. She didn’t look like she was wearing a ring but I wasn’t super close to her. She was also wearing scrubs so I know she works in the medical field. Even if she is married or with someone, that’s still (probably) my son. Even if I’m not going to fill the father role I’d still like to know him. Or at least have him know I’m here.

 

He’s been about 100ft from me for a year, and I had no idea. His school is right behind my house. I guess I’ll talk to my fiancée about this and go from there. She needs to know before I let other people know.

[Jemima1234]

Honestly? If she said he’s not mine and I got a bad feeling… I think I would want to take it to court. It just lines up too well for him not to be my son. If he is mine, then that’s my son… I can’t walk away. If she wants child support and back pay to know I’m serious, then so be it. Knowing my child is worth it, he’s worth it. He should get to know who his father is. I don’t want him to think he wasn’t wanted by me. I didn’t know he existed.

 

Telling my fiancée will be difficult. She has always been jealous of my past, this will be worse. She has wanted to start trying for a baby. This is exactly how she wants to get one. I can’t toss my child to the side for my fiancée though. I do need to tell her though, soon.

 

I saw her today when I got my niece. She didn’t notice me but I couldn’t stop staring at them. They both looked happy and I feel like I’m going to shatter that. She didn’t look like she was wearing a ring but I wasn’t super close to her. She was also wearing scrubs so I know she works in the medical field. Even if she is married or with someone, that’s still (probably) my son. Even if I’m not going to fill the father role I’d still like to know him. Or at least have him know I’m here.

 

He’s been about 100ft from me for a year, and I had no idea. His school is right behind my house. I guess I’ll talk to my fiancée about this and go from there. She needs to know before I let other people know.

 

 

I have the hugest admiration for you for being prepared to step up and do the right thing. You maybe treated her badly but you didn't abandon your child because you didn't know he existed- if this is your son of course.

 

For what it's worth my son has a father figure in his life and then found out about his bio dad when he was about this child's age. My child has now built a relationship with his bio dad and it is great. His bio dad and I had a messy relationship but I always wanted them to have a good father son relationship- it was important for my child to know the truth and have the chance to build that relationship. So I say you are right- go carefully, speak to this woman calmly and in a neutral place, and hopefully this will all work out. Keep us posted

[dreamingoftigers]

Then when she decides she doesn't think you'd be a good father and stops you from seeing your child, you're stuck with $10,000+ in child support back pay and a legal battle in order for you to even see your son.

 

But hey, gender equality, right?

 

Seriously? We're going there?

[Rubyxx]

First, tell your fiancé about what's going on and then check your state laws on this issue. There are several instances in which you will never be allowed around the child, until 18 of course, if the mother says so. Then approach the woman or do some extra research to find out. Make sure if you have a conversation with the woman that it's in private and not around the kid. Also, don't worry about her not recognizing you. If she's known you since kindergarten AND she lost her virginity to you, she will recognize you.

[Mr. Lucky]

He’s been about 100ft from me for a year, and I had no idea. His school is right behind my house. I guess I’ll talk to my fiancée about this and go from there. She needs to know before I let other people know.

 

Boy, do I feel differently than most of what's been posted. Warning, tough love coming.

 

Honestly, you were a sperm donor. You slept with her and kicked her to the curb knowing she was pregnant, with no real interest in even understanding her fate or the eventual outcome. And, as you've gotten your act together, you had many chances to follow-up and step-up, none of which you took. As you've said, there she is right on Facebook.

 

All of this means you don't have the right to blow up her world today. If you want to do the right thing, don't "let other people know", contact her discreetly and offer financial support only. You have no idea what she's gone through in the last 8 years or how hard she's worked to get where she is today.

 

This idea that you're going to walk into their life is ... wrong. Were I her, I'd exhaust every legal avenue making sure it didn't happen. This isn't a Lifetime movie, it's somebody's life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

I'm 25, when I was 17 I hooked up with a girl that I went to high school with and got her pregnant. We were in completely different "clique's" and while I known [of] her since kindergarten we were never friends. I was very popular, she was the quiet kid with no friends really. I heard that she liked me and used that to my advantage for easy sex. (Yeah, I was an ass)

 

She got pregnant from that encounter. I learned after that she was a virgin before I came along. When she told me that she was pregnant I blew her off and said I'd never be involved and it wasn't mine. I told some other people, and she ended up getting teased. She said she was going to get an abortion and didn't come back to school the next year. She had no friends so I never heard anything about her and never heard from her again. I assumed she had an abortion and didn't care. I wasn't a good kid and got pretty messed up with drugs and alcohol. I wish I could go back and smack myself.

 

I honestly hadn't thought about it in years. Yesterday I was picking up my niece from school and I saw that girl. I'm positive it was her because I recognized her immediately and someone said her name as they were leaving. It is not a common name at all, I've never heard it on anyone else.

 

She picked up a little boy from a grade 2 classroom, who clearly referred to her as mommy. She is white, I'm black and that kid was clearly half and half. He also had the same cleft chin that I have. 7-8 years ago there were very few black people in this city, literally a handful. He's the right age and race.

 

That has to be my son..... And now I'm not sure what to do about it. His locker said his name is Eli. I have this overwhelming feeling to see him again. I made an excuse to go get my niece again today. Should I try and talk to her if I see her? I don't know if she would even recognize me. Or should I try and message her on Facebook, I found her profile. I was horrible to her so I don't know what to say. I'm engaged to a great woman, who I have been with for 2 years. She doesn't know about this yet. If that is my kid I want to know him and be a part of his life... I also don't want to disrupt their lives though.

 

Are you also prepared to pay her back pay of child support and future child support?

 

If you hadn't see her with her son you'd never know and you'd be starting a new life with your wife and making plans for a baby...

 

before you do anything, go home and talk to your fiance about everything.

[mikeylo]

Wish I could give more than 1 like to Mr Lucky's post.

 

OP, you need to put aside your current gf. You don't involve her in this. It has to be your decision and not influenced by anyone. Your first step is to find out if the child is yours. If yes, then take it from there. It's going to be a lot of emotional turmoil for all involved.

 

But again , go ahead only if you are ready to attach to the child otherwise you will scar the child for the rest of his life and you have no right to do that.

Edited December 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[htmshsj]

100% agree with Mr. Lucky. You were a self ass the way you handled the situation at 17. You're still a selfish ass if you think you can just barrel into her and the child's life because you're now feeling a little protective/guilty/whatever.

 

Based on your handling of the situation, I seriously doubt the mother is losing much sleep over your absence. At this point, they're probably better off without you getting involved anyway.

[Springsummer]

You have no idea what she's gone through in the last 8 years or how hard she's worked to get where she is today.

 

My Lord...can't imagine that.

 

It's always women who pay for the price of 'passion'.

 

When I was in high-school, I read a novel about this kind of things. Girl and boy had sex and she was abandoned and left alone to suffer the consequences. Very SAD. Maybe that's the reason why I am critical of men?

[GorillaTheater]

When I was in high-school, I read a novel about this kind of things. Girl and boy had sex and she was abandoned and left alone to suffer the consequences. Very SAD. Maybe that's the reason why I am critical of men?

 

 

Not to threadjack, but you're critical of men because you incorporate stuff you read in fiction and celebrity news and extrapolate it onto the wide universe of real life men.

[GCar]

My fiancee wants me to ignore it and not even ask if he is mine. She thinks there is no way he's mine, because if he was that woman would have contacted me for money. My fiancee said she is probably just promiscuous and got around (I somehow doubt that, hardly anyone had heard her even speak. Come to think of it, she was always in the counselors office as well and being pulled out of class). Even if he's mine, my fiancee thinks I won't be wanted at all (possibly true) and the woman will just sue for child support and not let me see him. She doesn't think our money should go to a woman who didn't even bother to tell me I had a son.

 

My fiancee got extremely upset and mad. I don't blame her, this came from no where. She has always been jealous of my past GF's and encounters, this takes the cake. I created life with another person. She said she doesn't want "some sluts" kid and shouldn't have to clean up her mess. She doesn't think I owe the woman anything since she chose to cut me out.

 

I love my fiancee, but if that child is mine I need to open the door - or at least crack it. I can't regret it for the rest of my life. Sure, I didn't know about him a few days ago but now I do. That isn't something you can just forget about. If I open the door, I don't know if my fiancee will stick around, that is something I have to accept or acknowledge. I think the jealousy will eat away at her.

 

I don't expect to walk into their lives and assume the daddy role. Of course it would start very slowly. To start with, I just want to talk to the woman. I want her to know I'm sorry and she shouldn't of had to do it alone. She's the mother and she knows the boy best, if she's open to me being in his life I would trust her to make the right decisions for him. But if she just doesn't want to deal with me, I think I'd have to take further action. Even still, I would want to go slow with the boy. If somehow it's decided that I shouldn't be in his life, I at least want him to know I'm here and the door is always open.

 

I looked up her Facebook profile, which might be a bit creepy, especially since I had to log into a friends account to see it. It says she is single and there was no hint of a man. I went through a lot of her posts, years of them. Nothing ever referenced a man. All that I saw was some posts on her wall by friends, who made references to her being a single mother on Mother's Day and Father's Day every year. She finished university in April. I found out the boys birthday. I looked up her name on Google and found out where she works and what she does. I looked at pictures for hours.

 

Her Facebook as this entire life that I never knew about. It goes back to 2007. I can see his entire life and all these things I missed. There wasn't a lot posted, maybe a new video every couple months and pictures. But enough for me to have this glimpse at their life. To see the birthdays and milestones. My fiancee hoped that would satisfy my curiosity and I'd let it go.

 

We had a class trip, that went to Germany, Czech and France. That's when I had sex with this woman. I went back through old photos of mine to find it and it was April 15-25. So somewhere in there we had sex. The boy was born January 18. Perfect timing.

 

Boy, do I feel differently than most of what's been posted. Warning, tough love coming.

 

I respect that opinion. There is this constant battle in my head of what is the right thing to do. I feel like I have 3 options.

 

1) Stay out of their lives completely, don't contact her in anyway.

2) Contact her and offer financial support and an apology but expect nothing in return.

3) Same as above, but try to get to know the boy.

 

I don't want to disrupt their lives, I really don't. I don't want to upset either of them or worry the woman. Once I open that door, I can't close it and put things back how they were. At the very least I want to offer her an apology. If she would accept financial help, that's there too. I want her to know that if he ever wants to know me, that door is open.

 

I can't imagine how she would feel if I contact her, she probably doesn't expect it at all after all these years. Based on some info I found about her, she just moved back to this city in April. She had moved across the country for school. According to her works employee page, she went to a good university and has her bachelors and masters. She graduated in April. There was a post on her Facebook that said something about it taking twice as long to graduate but she finally did it. It makes me feel like **** because here I was going through life like a breeze. College was no problem, I partied through half of it.

 

I was a horrible kid, I'll admit that. I can try and come up with excuses, but at the end of the day I was a little sh*t. I didn't think about her at all. If she would have come to my mind I like to think I would have at least looked her up.

 

I don't think that this is something I can just let go. There is very little doubt at this point that he's not mine. I was a bad teenager, and I shouldn't have erased her from my mind, but I still want to know my own son. The feeling to contact her is so strong. It's like I need to, not just want to.

[GunslingerRoland]

I think you know in your heart that you need to reach out to this woman. And that you want to try to right the wrongs of your past.

 

At the same time I understand the fear of your fiancee, this might take a financial toil on your relationship that it doesn't recover from. But at the same time this girl has had to raise this child on her own without a cent of support from you because of your poor choices.

[hotgurl]

If you do this you have to be all in. You can't reach out and see the boy then decided it is too hard to much and disappear. Because trust me it will be hard. You probably won't get a great reception from either of them.

 

Are you willing to part ways with your fiance over this? What if she really fights you on it? The last thing your ex needs is a jealous woman wrecking havoc on her life.

 

What she did was tremendously hard. I know I was in a similar situation. Pregnant at 16 the guy checked out after the baby came and it wasn't fun anymore. Then he was in and out for a while. That is so much more damaging to a kid then it is to be absent. You have to be consistent.