Why do women marry?

[Gloria25]

I'm reading all these threads where sex lacks and/or stops in marriages. Also, others where women want men to talk about their feeeeelings all the time, but when she puts her job, kids, etc over spending time with him, oh, he needs to get over it already.

 

Didn't we have one thread where the average tine for sex is like 5 - 7 minutes? Ok, why can't you simply do that for your husband?

 

Why is it so hard to make time for your man? When you were dating, you moved heaven and earth to make yourself available and cute for him. So, somehow that isn't a priority anymore?

 

I don't know why men even bother to get married anymore if the utter contempt for him is what he'll be signing up for...a prison sentence if you ask me.

[alphamale]

yes, men tend to get shafted when it comes to marriage

[amaysngrace]

Some men love their wives.

[alphamale]

Some men love their wives.

 

familiarity breeds contempt

[lana-banana]

Why do you selectively filter out thread after thread of loving women who are neglected or abandoned by their husbands, struggling to communicate and rekindle the spark? Why do you see all broken marriages as a singular failure of the women to fulfill their marital duties (read: have lots of sex)? Why do you not consider the millions and millions of happy couples having strong, enduring marriages and aren't posting on LoveShack?

 

A better question might be "why do you resent married women"?

[carhill]

Love, security, familiarity, fear, you name it. As many reasons as there are people in the world.

[Arieswoman]

Gloria25,

 

I'm reading all these threads where sex lacks and/or stops in marriages. Also, others where women want men to talk about their feeeeelings all the time, but when she puts her job, kids, etc over spending time with him, oh, he needs to get over it already.

 

Didn't we have one thread where the average tine for sex is like 5 - 7 minutes? Ok, why can't you simply do that for your husband?

 

Why is it so hard to make time for your man? When you were dating, you moved heaven and earth to make yourself available and cute for him. So, somehow that isn't a priority anymore?

 

I don't know why men even bother to get married anymore if the utter contempt for him is what he'll be signing up for...a prison sentence if you ask me.

 

The reason you are seeing all these threads is because people who have problems come to this site to get help/advice/suggestions etc.

 

All the people who are happily married don't come here except maybe to try to help out others.

 

And who the heck wants to have sex when it only lasts 5-7 minutes ???

 

FTR - in my first marriage I wanted more sex, to spend more time with him, to work together as a partnership (we had no kids) while all he wanted to do was come home from work, eat his tea and fall asleep in front of the TV and snore.

 

And he was the one who cheated ffs!

 

Please don't think that what you read on here is an indication of what marriage is generally all about.

 

BTW my 2nd husband is brilliant. He's been in the military so he can cook, clean, iron and do shopping (with a list !) As we both work FT then it's only fair he pulls his weight.

[PegNosePete]

Please don't think that what you read on here is an indication of what marriage is generally all about.

Exactly! In fact quite the opposite. What you read on here is an indication of what marriage is NOT all about. That's why they're here.

[brothers343]

This is a funny post but Ill give my two cents in. Sometimes people marry becouse it's the right thing to do, sometimes they marry becouse they think it's always going to be wonderful, sometimes they marry becouse of peer or family pressure, there's so much that goes into a marriege that people just get tired of trying. I have kids and myself and my wife have our careers but we make time for each other,we have date nights and the sex has only gotten better through time.....but you have to put in the work. Marriage is not supposed to be easy.....if it was you wouldn't be posting and there would be no more loveshack.

[wmacbride]

My guess is that they get married because they want to.

 

I mean no offense, but for someone who has never been married you sure sem to feel that you know all about it.

 

The reality is that you know next to nothing.

 

Being married is about two people who have formed a loving partnership, and that will vary depending on each individual couple. It's not always easy, and if you add kids to the mix, the dynamic can really change, depending on the children and all sorts of other factors.

 

Again, unless you have been in that situation, you won't really know what it is like. It's not like babysitting, watching your niece or nephew or like what a podcast says.

 

It's easy to look back tot he 50's and say that's the way it should be, but really, many women, and men too, felt trapped by the expected roles for them. Think of he song "mother's little helper".

 

I was, and still am, a stay at home mom, and will be for the rest of my life, as two of our children have issues that require nearly constant care and attention. in our marriage, I am responsible for 99.9 percent of running the household, and my husband goes out to work. I work at home. It works for us.

 

We have always had sex several times a week, cuddle a lot, an spend a lot of time together By your calculations, that should mean everything is hunky dory.

 

Guess what? he still had an affair.

 

It's also easy to say that ne parent should stay at home with the kids, but again, life can often be very different than the ideal. even if a mom or dad wants to stay at home, life happens, and that can turn out to be impossible. A working dad can lose his job, need to change careers and not make enough to meet their needs, the parents may want to work so they can help pay for their kid's education and not leave them saddled with huge student loans. A mom or dad may become ill or injured so that they can't work.

 

There are so many variables that it's virtually impossible to say what is "normal'. each couple needs to find a way that works for them, and also has to accept that a marriage is a dynamic thing and not static. It needs to be able to grow and adapt.

[carhill]

One 'why':

'I knew your father had been through a lot (the war and his wife leaving him while in it) and he still kept his dignity and would be a good and loving husband to me.'

 

That from someone who was quite self-supporting and didn't get married until in her 30's, something quite rare in the 1950's. She was, from my observation, spot-on and they were married for life. Did she really love him? Marry him for security? To have a child? IDK. Does any person really love another person? How does one prove that? I guess it's like faith. One believes.

 

OP, overall, looking from the other end of life, people are naturally (nature/biology) prone to moving around from relationship to relationship and, to varying degrees, parents and society imprint them with social norms and customs and, to varying degrees, people take that on-board and make those norms and customs part of their behaviors in life, perhaps even at the subconscious level. Hence, if you ask them, you'll get a standard answer, perhaps even a simple one, but IMO the real psychology of commitment is quite complex and difficult to define and very individual, as individual as each of us.

[Liam1]

I'm reading all these threads where sex lacks and/or stops in marriages. Also, others where women want men to talk about their feeeeelings all the time, but when she puts her job, kids, etc over spending time with him, oh, he needs to get over it already.

 

Didn't we have one thread where the average tine for sex is like 5 - 7 minutes? Ok, why can't you simply do that for your husband?

 

Why is it so hard to make time for your man? When you were dating, you moved heaven and earth to make yourself available and cute for him. So, somehow that isn't a priority anymore?

 

I don't know why men even bother to get married anymore if the utter contempt for him is what he'll be signing up for...a prison sentence if you ask me.

 

Well, I got married, because I love my wife.. As you allude to in your post, she was very interested in sex early in the relationship and we were very sexually compatible. But beyond that, we also have a lot in common and I respect and admire her intellect.

 

We make great life partners, IMO.

 

However, I agree about the weirdness of suddenly losing interest in sex.

 

What I don't understand is that when that happens then the spouse withholding sex because it's not IMPORTANT, suddenly becomes angry when the spouse (whether the man or the woman) seeks sexual release from another person.

 

Then all of a sudden, sex is an important issue, even though they have no interest in sex.

 

I mean, seriously, if sex means nothing in a marriage, and is no longer an important part of the marriage to the no-sex spouse, what does it matter if the other one has a sexual affair?

 

IMO, if a spouse is not interested in sex, and thinks it's not important then why would they care if the other spouse has a sexual affair?

 

In the many discussions I had with my wife about her unilateral decision that sex was no longer an important part of a marriage, she not only said it was not an important part of a marriage, she said it was the least important part of a marriage.

 

So if that is true, than it should follow that if and when the spouse finds someone else to have sex with and they say it was just about sex, why would the no-sex spouse get angry.

 

My wife was initially angry after my affair, but then through counseling she came to understand that she had no right to unilaterally decide what is and is not important in a marriage.

 

She changed the rules, I did not.

 

She did not work any longer hours than I did. We have a maid. Her health is excellent....she's a runner and she works out regularly.

 

Through finding an excellent infidelity counselor, my wife also now understands that if sex was not important to her, and if in her mind sex is not an important part of marriage than how could she get angry, when I told her that my affair was just about sex, not love.

 

My affair has improved all aspects of my marriage.

 

My wife and I now have quality sex more regularly, maybe once or twice a month. We spend more time together, instead of doing our own thing. We now communicate much better, and if we can't she no longer refuses to see a counselor to facilitate tough discussions.

 

She readily agrees to counseling, when an issue arises that we can not discuss calmly on our own.

Edited April 28, 2016 by Liam1

[amaysngrace]

familiarity breeds contempt

 

...or brings them closer, creates more memories and makes them love their lives with their best-friend spouses.

[wmacbride]

...or brings them closer, creates more memories and makes them love their lives with their best-friend spouses.

 

Very true:)

 

One thing I have learned is how important is is to have both emotional and physical intimacy as well as a deep sense of friendship.

 

If all you have is physical intimacy with no emotional intimacy or friendship, it may not feel very fulfilling. The same is true if there is only friendship or emotional intimacy.

 

If you can have all three, that can be a wonderful thing.

[Alamo657]

I guess for some, marriage is a social norm; for me, i see it as putting all my trust and love into one person.

[Gloria25]

 

BTW my 2nd husband is brilliant. He's been in the military so he can cook, clean, iron and do shopping (with a list !) As we both work FT then it's only fair he pulls his weight.

 

And this ^^ is the next point I was going to raise...the "partnerships"

 

I believe that with dual-income marriages the affection/attention sinks cuz you don't see that person as anything other than your "partner".

 

If both people are working, then who's making the "house" a "home? Yea, we have chores being divided, but it isn't done with love, it's more like a "roommate" situation.

 

Back in the day, a man came home to food on the table and a nice, sweet smelling woman who wasn't tired from pulling a 9 to 5 to be there for him. Marriage isn't just about finding someone to share bills and chores with. Some things (i.e. cooking, cleaning, etc.) are made with "love" - it's called "nurturing". When I cook for my family, I feel good cuz I feel like I'm "feeding" them (not just quenching their hunger).

 

Men get nurturing from their mothers, and when they marry their wives take over. If a man is living with a "wife" who tells him "go serve your own food, go cook your own stuff, the maid/house cleaner/etc. got your stuff - then yes, he got the food, but he didn't get "nurtured". Men need us to "nurture" them. If we're not "nurturing" them, then why are we there? Then, women wonder why some men lose interest in having sex and/or showing affection to them in these "partnership" marriages...cuz hello, he doesn't see you as his "woman", you're his "partner" and who wants to have sex with a "partner"? Last time I looked, a "partner" sounds like someone you go into business with. I don't wanna have sex with someone I do business with.

 

Yes, I believe in "division of labor" (Man= cut grass, handiwork...Woman = cook, clean, care for kids). But, what is being fed to the women now a days is they must DEMAND their husband part all the things women used to do (cooking, cleaning, watching over kids) straight down the middle, 50/50 cuz he BETTER pull his share or ELSE. And, that's sad, IMO.

 

My dad was a better cook than my mom, but it wasn't "expected" for him to cook. My brother also cooks now and then, but it isn't "expected". And yes, I'm sure many guys would love to be there for their kids and change a diaper or two, but that's not what they were created for. Look at the differences in our bodies. Men are built to work, women are built to have kids and nurture. It's a "division of labor" that come together.

 

All this "partnership" and cutting everything 50/50 is ridiculous. Oh yea, indeed if we're gonna cut everything 50/50, where do you see women putting out the trash, doing the lawn, handiwork and/or working on the car (stuff that guys naturally were expected to do)?

 

And who likes to be "told" they better do this/that? My brother volunteers to cook - he does it out of love. Good luck the day his wife tells him he "better" split the cooking 50/50.

 

It's a "dance" people. I never allowed men any place in my life until my FWB a few years ago. It was nice to have that "dance". He'd work on my vehicle, home, and I'd cook and greet him with a warm cup of coffee when he was in the cold working on my vehicle. He felt good being able to do guy stuff for me, and I felt good being able to reciprocate. It wasn't a "you better do 50/50 or else" nonsense that's going on now a days.

 

But, that's what we have now a days - especially with working women. They have maids (even if they can only afford a cleaning lady once a week), they have babysitters/daycare/relatives, and no sex for their husband (so he gets an affair). It's outsourcing all the things a woman would do to "nurture" her man (cooking, cleaning, caring for him/kids) and then they wonder why their husband is having an affair

[Gloria25]

Why do you selectively filter out thread after thread of loving women who are neglected or abandoned by their husbands, struggling to communicate and rekindle the spark? Why do you see all broken marriages as a singular failure of the women to fulfill their marital duties (read: have lots of sex)? Why do you not consider the millions and millions of happy couples having strong, enduring marriages and aren't posting on LoveShack?

 

A better question might be "why do you resent married women"?

 

It's not "resenting married women". Honestly, yes, I sit here wondering how these women are so lucky to find such heels to sit back and take all the crap they fling and wonder why I'm still single. Oh, but then again, I couldn't respect and/or feel horny for a guy who would let me walk all over him.

 

Thing is women have so much power over men. Our mood can make or break a home and/or a man. IMO, women are destroying their homes and their happiness cuz they simply refuse to respect men, marriage and family now a days. We have a lot of broken homes and kids with depression/anxiety. The power lies within women.

 

Men are simple creatures. They also live to please their women. They'll move heaven and earth to get a woman to simply smile at them. Men don't require that much talking to. They're less complicated than we women are. Take care of the thing above his navel (stomach) and below his navel (penis) and men are happy. Not women. Most divorces are initiated by women, BTW.

[central]

Some men love their wives.

 

And at least some wives love their husbands. Still, marriage is a huge risk, and should not be entered into lightly.

[RecentChange]

Just curious - this focuses on "marriage" but how do you feel about long term relationships? For me, its the same thing without the government issued contract.

 

So - basically WHY choose to partner up and share you life with someone? Why choose to commit to them, and live your life in step with them.

 

Because falling in love, and sharing your life with someone is a grand way to experience life.

 

I don't think women are to blame for the current state of affairs in american homes, nor do I think men are the simple creatures you make them out to be. Humans are very complex, as are our emotions and motivators.

 

There REALLY is more to a relationship than cooking dinner and having sex all the time. Believe me, there is. I have always had the higher sex drive in our relationship, and I cook amazing meals 6 days a week (we go out for dinner once a week). I keep up the "home" in a traditional sense (while still being the bread winner). Yet that didn't prevent infidelity, that didn't prevent issues.

 

Its not as simple as you make it out to be.

[Woggle]

A good number of marriages these days are like that but many women are also very good to their husbands. Men need to be careful.

[stillafool]

Why do women marry? Hormones

[SwordofFlame]

For financial security if they don't have that themselves?

[Aniela]

Why do you selectively filter out thread after thread of loving women who are neglected or abandoned by their husbands, struggling to communicate and rekindle the spark? Why do you see all broken marriages as a singular failure of the women to fulfill their marital duties (read: have lots of sex)? Why do you not consider the millions and millions of happy couples having strong, enduring marriages and aren't posting on LoveShack?

 

A better question might be "why do you resent married women"?

 

I was going to ask the same thing.

 

I've noticed that most of the people I know, who are happily married, don't talk about their marriage much at all. They might pass on something amusing, or occasionally ask a question, but they're pretty private about their life with their spouse.

 

And looking at your post on the second page, Gloria: women aren't supposed to become a surrogate mother to their husband, once they get married. That's icky. My dad knows how to cook, clean, do laundry, mend clothing... in fact, he taught my mother how to do laundry, and to cook.

 

Most divorces are initiated by women, BTW.

 

And why do you think that is? My mother divorced my dad, because she wasn't happy. I won't mention the specific reasons, but they were good ones. They remarried when it seemed like he'd grown up, and was more of what she thought a husband would be.

[Woggle]

I am full supporter of equal relationship s but too many these days days don't understand the difference between equal and adversarial. Actually being nice and loving to your husband does not make you a stepford wife doormat.

[Arieswoman]

Gloria25,

 

All this "partnership" and cutting everything 50/50 is ridiculous. Oh yea, indeed if we're gonna cut everything 50/50, where do you see women putting out the trash, doing the lawn, handiwork and/or working on the car (stuff that guys naturally were expected to do)?

 

This woman cuts the grass, puts out the trash, and cleans the cars on occasion.

I can also decorate, lay concrete, grow vegetables and chop wood.

 

In UK if a couple aren't married and live together, they refer to the other person as their "partner". I can't see a large % of the UK population in a "room-mate" situation.

 

Affairs aren't caused by a man "lacking nurturing" - they are caused by him lacking boundaries, character and having entitlement issues.