LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Separation and Divorce

Wife ended 6 year relationship 2 months after we got married


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Like Tree5Likes
  • 2 Post By BluesPower
  • 1 Post By mrs rubble
  • 2 Post By healing light
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 7th November 2017, 7:17 PM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 4
Unhappy Wife ended 6 year relationship 2 months after we got married

Hello and thankyou for the opportunity for me to post here on loveshack. Reading about many others stories has helped me get some focus and hope of rebuilding my life. My situation is as follows:

My wife and I were in a relationship for almost 6 years now. “2 months married”. She is now 35 and me 37. We have known each other for a few years previous to us getting together through mutual friends. When we first got together 6 years ago, she was going through a separation from her husband of two years, in a relationship for total of 9 years. Her relationship began when they were 19 and ended due to him cheating on her with another man. Other factors involved in their breakup included his sexual identity. He had developed a transsexual identity “she knew he was a bit different going into their relationship” and he gradually pursued more of this identity years later in their relationship which caused her problems.

After her and her ex were married for around 18 months her ex husband cheated on her with another man, she had moved out and I saw her at a mutual friends bbq around 3 months after he cheated on her. We hit it off bigtime and got on like a house on fire. Feelings began to grow and we began dating etc we were mindful that she had just separated and trying to take things slow etc and things were great. Around 4 months of us dating, her mother had “nowhere to stay etc” her lease ended and my wife was living in a small studio apartment at the time. My wife basically let her mum move into the apartment and my wife came and lived with me at my place. We lived together for over 5 years until just recently.

During our relationship there have been a few ups and downs which I will go into detail about. I feel I need to be honest about everything here so I can portray things as best I can.

I have had a few anger management problems and sometimes thought almost as far as a borderline personality disorder. My moods could change fast from happy to sad to angry but never violent and my wife sometimes felt she was walking on eggshells around me. My family upbringing was not great with a violent father and a verbally abusive mother. Both of which did not have any drink or drug issues, but my mothers parents were alcoholics and I know she had a tough time as a kid.

Although I was aware of these issues and went to around 18 counselling sessions during our relationship, I would go through a pattern of going to the counselling, we would be great for 2 or 3 months, then would go back to fighting between us. I am so ashamed and to make matter worse, I began using meth on and off during the last few years of our relationship and a bit more the past year. I was having it sometimes every weekend and having 2 or 3 day binges on it. She knew I would sometimes do this and was not happy. I tried to come to her for help a few times when I felt I was slipping up and she was very cold and told me to just don’t do that ****. I tried to get into a rehab a few times and because my use was very sporadic, they advised they could not help me unless I had some meth in the last 48 hours.” I did not want to go get high just to get into the help” I told them. I eventually went to counselling for this which did help.

I also felt that the drug was causing me to be overly sexual more than normal which was causing problems bigtime for us due to us being on different levels when being intimate. I was too over the top and although we had a great sex life together “when I was not high” I was too sexual for her sometimes.

Sometimes when we made love we would talk about having a threesome with another woman. About 1.5 years ago, we ended up having a threesome with one of her girlfriends she bought home. It was not great as her friend was drunk and very rough with her and we called it off midway. I felt so terrible as her friend acted this way and did not respect her during this.
We got past this after a lot of talking and support. We did not do this again and left it at that. She said she may have been interested if she had a better experience that time.

My wife had only slept with 5 guys in her life including myself and she didn’t mind that I was a bit dirty as long as I respected her and love her. She was a bit shy and still kind of is in a funny way. She loved that I would bring her out of her shell and it made her feel sexy and confident.

Fast forward to the end of last year 2016 and I proposed to her even though she had no real massive desire to marry again after the first effort with her ex, but said she wanted to make me happy because I had not been married and she loved me greatly. We had talked about this and I told her I wanted to be her husband after 5 years together and wanted to go down that road. We had talked about having kids but it never was a burning desire / pressure thing we felt. Towards the last few years of the relationship we just said lets see what happens with no major plans in that regard. This was a mutual thing.

Roll into to this year in and we had a fantastic wedding. All one could hope for, friends / family / food / drinks and a beautiful venue. We did a lot of the catering / decorations ourselves to save money and it turned out to be a wonderful day for us.

About a month after the wedding I started slipping up on the drugs a bit, not using everyday but once a week etc, but enough that I would feel crap for 2 or 3 days even after a small hit one every week or so.
I started doing all the wrong things and I don’t blame the drugs for this but I know they certainly were not helping me. I would get moody, feel lost, be needy, and have low confidence, just generally being a **** man to be around. I was turning to her as my source of everything, for love, happiness and direction. My crapness was way too much for her, she had just started a new management job not long after our wedding and a lot of hours etc stress then coming home to me. I felt like I had given up life yet I was only just married to the best women I have ever known. How could it all be?

She really did put a lot of effort into being with me, I was great when I also put in the effort but would slip up and going in cycles of fighting, then she would stay mad for sometimes days, then I would get depressed because she was mad for so long then we would make up and do it all again sometimes even days later.

A few weeks before she left me, I stopped using meth as I was tired of the dirty drug it was and how it made me so moody and up and down all the time. I knew I needed it gone from my life but it always had this way of creeping back in via friends etc.

About 5 weeks ago we had a fight on a Friday night after I decided to take her out for dinner but felt quite depressed “I think was the drugs “ even though it was two weeks since having any I would still feel the comedown for a long time after. Whilst at dinner I was down and not much for conversation with my wife. She picked up on this and things got a bit awkward at dinner. We went home and I had a chat with her about how things were not great in our relationship. I felt so down whilst talking with her, I said “ I don’t know why we are together cause we fight all the time etc.” Big mistake I know but I was being somewhat honest about our problems.

The next day she went to work and I txted her asking if she would like to go out for a drink and talk etc. She said “No I am going out with one of my girlfriends from work tonight at a bar near our place”. I went and stayed at a friend’s place that night a bit upset but understood that I ****ed it up last night with our chat and I knew she was not happy.

I came home the next morning and she was hungover and instantly told me “It’s over I cant be with you anymore and I am moving out today” I was terribly shocked. I did all the wrong things like crying, begging, trying to resolve things, you name it all the **** you do when your wife tells you its over. I felt a dagger in my heart we had fights before maybe 6 in the 5 years where she had threatened to leave but she always said she had abandonment issues due to her parents divorcing when she was a baby and this was the last straw.

She told me that she has never done a selfish thing in her life but this is something she must do for herself which I understood. I still thing she is very brave for having the courage to walk away when things are not right. She is not a selfish person but kind and caring and I still love her more than anything.

Over the past few weeks we have caught up to have dinner etc but nothing too formal. I told her that this has been the biggest wakeup call of my life. I have stopped all the drugs almost 2 months now and getting my life back on track with my business “self employed IT guy” and trying to stay on track.
When we have caughtup I have put myself forward in a positive light and told her I acknowledge my faults in the relationship, came totally clean about the drug use, I put everything on the table. I have started going to counselling to work on myself and find it good. Also reading some self help books, online, reading LS had helped a lot.

Her response has been mixed to say the least and just the past weekend there was a wedding that we both attended separately but spoke for hours whilst there. It was so good to see her and she looked as beautiful as ever. I asked her if she would consider another chance with things and she seemed receptive this this and said it might be good. She even gave me a small kiss on the mouth. This was all short lasted however as whilst we were in the cab home with some friends I put my arm around her and she rejected me despite the earlier kiss etc. I got a little confused and she told me to stop in front of my friends which I was not expecting I merely had my arm around her.

I did the dumb thing and texted her later that night as I had a few drinks at the wedding, but thankfully kept it cool. I just asked her “Am I wasting my time trying for this relationship, I value myself as a person and do not want to chase someone who does not want to be with me” The next day we talked about things and basically she wanted to put me in the friendzone and said “I hope we can be good friends some day.” I said to her I am sorry but you cannot just walk out of a 6 year relationship 2 months after you married me and expect that. After she told me that “the only thing she wants for the future is to be single” I said “ Thats great for you and I wished you all the best”.

Since then have told her “I will be going NC for now except for the formal stuff like the moving out of our old rental house etc.” There is just too much pain there and I need time to heal. I know where I went wrong in this marriage and its too late to undo the pain and hurt we have been through. I am learning from my mistakes and see myself as someone who can love and be loved, to have confidence and get through this tough time in my life. I have cried a lot the past week and felt devastated after our last chat yesterday where I accepted it was finally over. At least I have some direction now so I can work on myself to never let this happen again. I wished I could have done it differently but all I can look to is the future now.

One day we might even be friends, we shared so much together and we went through a lot and had a lot of great times, travelling / living overseas, she loved the good side of me so much. I told her I am not mad at her and she needs to do whats best for her as much as it kills me to let her go.
She tells me that she “needs to find herself on her own” we did move in a little fast after her last marriage due to circumstances but we can’t go back in time either.

If anyone out there has any advice for us id love to hear your thoughts. I have pretty much accepted that she is gone and that is that. Do you think NC will be the best for me to get through these next few months? I told her I needed this to give time to heal and her space etc. She said “can I call you to check in to see how you are” I said “That is not NC I am sorry but can’t have my heart strings pulled around. I told her “I can’t be her friend right now. And only contact me if you want to talk about getting back together” Is this the right thing to do for both our sake?

Before the breakup my wife was writing all the fights we would have in a journal and was going back and reading them which i guess gave her more reason / resolve to breakup with me. She was talking to alot of her girl friends from work "who i have never met before" and i feel that she may have someone in her ear giving her the wrong information about leaving. It just seems crazy that she would go through 6 years of being with me then leave so quickly after marriage. I understand if she does not want to stay around and better to get out now than in 10 years time. However it doesn't help the hurt i feel at present any less.

She still has not told her father about our breakup and its over 6 weeks now. She also wears our wedding ring and when i asked her what i should do with my ring she says whatever i liked, when i asked her why she still is wearing hers after leaving me after being married only 2 months, she says she can do what she likes with her ring?? I am confused at this and makes me think that she is still confused or unsure about leaving.

Do you think an overseas trip for a few weeks could be good to get my mind off things. We were supposed to travel for our honeymoon a few weeks ago but she cancelled it due to the split. Should I still go overseas? I figure I have nothing to lose as I am moving out of our house soon and will be staying with friends until I get my own place again in the future. My family says i should stay around and sort myself out before going overseas. They do not enjoy travelling like i do though.


Also are there any great books you recommend for dealing with breakup and also kids who have had abusive parents growing up? Any good relationship reads?


Again thankyou for all the support here. Reading through the many other stories on LS is helping me get through this testing time. I hope I can also help someone through this one day. This breakup has made me realise how much support I have from my friends and family. I have been straight up with everyone about my mistakes and am now working on being a better man.

Cheers.
aussie_fella is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th November 2017, 4:35 PM   #2
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 4
Does anyone have any advice for me?

Hey all. Was not wanting to sound like a parrot here, but does anyone have any advice for me during this time? I see almost 200 folks have viewed my original post above, was seeing if anyone out there has any thoughts on this?

IE: Am i on the right track with NC my wife?, anything to help get me through her leaving me something postive any good book reads etc.

Thankyou once again would appreciate any help i can get right now, it hurts a great deal having her leave 2 months after our wedding and anything positive i can do will help me get through all of this.

aussie_fella is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th November 2017, 5:55 PM   #3
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2,392
Sorry no one posted...

Sorry no one posted...

So here is the deal, I am betting she is done. You go NC and just let her be.

Second, the drugs have to be done. And if you are an addict you need to not be smoking pot and drinking, you have to stop, completely...

If you have to do a 12 step, treatment center, whatever, just get it over with and stay that way.

You are self medicating, for whatever reason, you will learn this in treatment or some counseling.

For what it is worth, she is screwing around on you. Probably for a while, why she married you or you her, that was a stupid decision.

So, you have to grow up, get clean, completely and stay that way. This woman is done, you have blown that with your decisions.

It is time to grow up, become an actual grown man, and live a clean life, then you can find someone new...
BluesPower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th November 2017, 10:13 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: The most beautiful little country in the world.
Posts: 1,457
I dumped someone a few years back because he was on meth, I can understand her side of your story. It's such an evil drug, it destroys people, it destroys marriages and is really, really unhealthy.
Stay no contact with your ex and make sure you stay off the meth, maybe book yourself into rehab overseas if you can afford it.
I would've taken my ex back if he got off the meth, but he had no interest in stopping it.
mrs rubble is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th November 2017, 10:18 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: California
Posts: 201
I don't think she's screwing around on you.

If you have any chance with her at all, you need to give her plenty of space like you have been. It's good for you to do no contact for you, that should always be your primary motivator. You need this time to evaluate what you want from life and to get yourself together, get back to a healthy emotional spot so you can be a present partner in your own life and with others.

To be honest, though, I have a feeling you messed this one up too badly because of the drugs. Drug use, even recreationally, has no place in an adult relationship. Getting rid of any tempting influences should be your priority right now--this will otherwise **** up every other part of your life. That means you will need to dump the friendships and contacts you have that keep drugs around as an option.

I could see where she would consider getting back with you if it hadn't been for that, but I think anyone in their right mind, unless also a user, would bail if they thought there was the potential that you would go down that slippery slope and you weren't pulling your weight as a partner. It also sounds like you may have been unemployed or underemployed around this time... so I think you will need to prepare yourself for the assumption that she is done for good.

Be the best man you can be for yourself and if she comes back around, great! But in the meantime, take care of you. Your future well being depends on it.
healing light is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th November 2017, 8:53 PM   #6
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 4
Thankyou for the responses

Hi all and thankyou so much for your responses.

Since my original post, i have moved out of the house and staying with friends etc. My wife has gotten her own place and seems ok there.

I have been going to counselling and i feel this has been helping. I am still off the drugs and feeling alot stronger resolve for this now as when i think of doing anything like that i feel pain and disgust!!!

It is still really hard as when i saw my wife the past weekend when we finalised our rental house, i instantly feel no sadness etc, just the upmost love for her and i wish beyond hell we could give things another go. I am def going to use this time to work on myself and get back to loving me!!! Alot of these problems in our relationship was me not loving me and being negative about life and taking drugs etc. NO MORE OF "THAT ****". I realised i do not ever want to feel this way again in my life.

I am not mad at my wife for breaking things off, im really annoyed at her timing "2 months after our wedding" all the money we spent, time involved, family helping at the wedding etc. i wished she had the guts to break things off earlier with me instead of going about things this way.

MY wife is def not cheating on me etc, she has only been with 5 guys in her life and i just know as we are very open and honest usually. That is not a concern for me put it that way.

It is hard to stay the NC with her during moving house etc as there was times we had to meet to sign paperwork and move things out. I am going to try going full NC again now all of the house stuff has been finalised.

When we see each other it feel so right to want to chat, hug etc. I really do love her so much and she still tells me the same. Maybe we will be friends but not anytime too soon as i need some time apart for both of us to find ourselfs some more.

Does anyone have any tips for the NC? I don't want to be a jerk to her here as she has been very good to me after the breakup, still helping with bills, helped me do some cleanup etc when moving out. However it seems to suit her more than me to be friends at this stage.

She texted me asking for advice on a computer problem, should i just be cutting this off? IE not replying or simply saying to her "can i plz have NC with you" Hard thing is that i feel like i don't know if NC is needed or not, maybe i will be get over her sooner with NC but maybe i will even if i keep things cool and don't get emotionally invested too much. IE: Still accept fact she is gone, but go on living my own life with occasional contact with her. Im sure most people will say NC is best, but some may say you may still be friends with your ex if you can accept its over and move on with your own life, date other people etc.

I really don't want to lose her for good, but that is up to her at this stage. Ill just keep on doing my own thing and if she doesn't come back thats her choice.

Again thanks for your replies, it helps so much to hear others advice on here.

Take it easy!
aussie_fella is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th November 2017, 11:38 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: India
Posts: 1,549
Hi Aussie_fella,, sorry to see you here. I wanted to ask you if you two have initiated divorce or annulment proceedings? Has your wife done anything about it? Starting those proceedings will help you heal faster and if ever you think you want to be together you can have a new marriage. In the meantime you need to sort yourself out as, let's be frank, you nuked your relationship. Once you feel that you are in control of your life you can start looking out for new romantic relationships. Warm wishes.
Just a Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th November 2017, 9:33 PM   #8
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 4
Saw ex wife on the weekend at a wedding.

Hi Just a guy! To answer you question - and to ask some of my own


1. No we have not filed for any divorce etc at this stage. I spoke with her about this and she said "do not worry, we can worry filing for divorce in a year or so". Australian law states that you have to be not together for 12 months before you can push the paperwork through.

2. My wife still wears her wedding ring and will not take it off. I asked her why she still wears this despite ending our marriage after a few months and she tells me "she will do what she likes and she will keep wearing the ring for a long time to come" I don't know why she would do this if she doesn't want to be me me anyways?

3. I don't know if i should keep wearing my wedding ring, part of me wants to toss it all and start again, another feels bad about it due to her keeping wearing her ring, like some weird chance at getting back together. Would taking my ring off show her that i am done, "at least with the marriage"

4. I really don't know what all of this means, one part of me says cut all ties here and do my own thing, which i believe is healthy for my own sake. Another wonders why she is still hanging onto the ring, not filing for divorce etc, I wonder if she is just not 100% sure of leaving and maybe is just too stubborn to cut it fully clean or has is ashamed? Maybe she regrets leaving i just don't know.

I saw her briefly over the weekend at a mutual friends wedding. It has been soo tough to goto 2 weddings not long after my failed marriage and hearing all the words of the wedding vows, the ones about not leaving or giving up on a marriage when things turn to **** etc are tough for me as i feel like 2 months was not much of a chance at our marriage but understand i did nuke the relationship. She had to get out etc.

At the wedding she barely talked to me and went to leave without even saying goodbye to me, i had a quick chat with her when i saw her heading out to the car and told her i loved her etc which i know is stupid and breaks NC but she was there in person and i couldn't resist. She still tells me she loves me and misses me but i would imagine not in the lover sense lol!

Is is common for a women to hang onto their ring etc, even after leaving their husband? Not rush divorce etc? I can only imagine she is confused but she is certain enough to have moved out so Ohh well back to NC again for now. Wish me all the best!!! Thankyou again for the help.
aussie_fella is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th November 2017, 10:14 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 1,090
Sup mate. I'm Aussie as well BTW.

I actually think you should avoid her as much as possible. No Contact or at least Limited Contact is the best option for you here. And if you must have contact, it needs to be about trivial stuff only, no more talking about the relationship.

She made her bed, now let her lie in it. That is the only way she learns and MIGHT have a change of heart. While your hanging around and talking to her the way you are, your disrespecting yourself while empowering her more. As you empower her, you just re-enforce her decision more.

I know it's SO hard to follow this advise. But trust me when I say it is the only way that works the best for YOU. You keep your sanity and she respects you more. Everyone on this site has been through it, including me.

You didn't mention that you have any kids so you could actually go hard No Contact once she has grabbed her stuff. Only respond when it comes to the divorce papers in 12 months. Don't tell her your going NC. Just go NC, that shows her that you don't need her approval to begin the process of your healing.

As for her hanging on to the ring, it's probably just out of guilt. She feels less bad because she keeps wearing the ring, in the hope you hate her less. This is all the kiddy stuff that happens when grown-ups breakup. It is mind-blowing stuff but it has happened to virtually everyone on this site.

Last edited by marky00; 19th November 2017 at 10:21 PM..
marky00 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th November 2017, 11:37 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Downtown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 2,390
Quote:
Originally Posted by aussie_fella View Post
I have had a few anger management problems and sometimes thought almost as far as a borderline personality disorder.
Perhaps so, Aussie. As you likely know already, we all exhibit the nine BPD symptoms to some degree -- and it is common for even healthy adults to occasionally get temporary flareups of these symptoms that may move them onto the upper region of the BPD spectrum for a year or two.

Quote:
About a month after the wedding I started slipping up on the drugs a bit, not using everyday but once a week.
When emotional instability lasts for only a year or two, the two most common causes are a strong hormone change and drug abuse. Your meth abuse, for example, may have caused temporary flareups of your BPD symptoms for a year or two. If I understand you correctly, however, you apparently are not talking about a temporary instability.

Rather, you seem to be referring to a persistent lifetime instability that started before you abused drugs -- an issue you believe may have originated in your childhood, i.e., in your unhealthy family environment. If so, then you may benefit from knowing that the two common causes of lifetime instability are BPD and bipolar disorder. And the event-triggered anger issues you mention are far more characteristic of BPD than bipolar. (If you're interested, I distinguish between these two patterns of behaviors at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences.)

Quote:
Are there any great books you recommend for dealing with breakup and also kids who have had abusive parents growing up?
Aussie, if you decide that your BPD symptoms are persistent and strong, I would recommend that you read the book, Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified: An Essential Guide for Understanding and Living with BPD. It seems to be the most popular book among people diagnosed as exhibiting full-blown BPD.

On the other hand, if you are uncertain what these symptoms look like in day-to-day behavior, I would suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these red flags at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises any questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your own issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you decide whether it would be prudent to spend money seeking professional treatment by a psychologist.

If it turns out that you really do exhibit BPD traits that are much stronger than average -- and if those traits are persistent, not temporary -- you likely would benefit from the excellent treatment programs available in the major cities of Australia. Programs like DBT and CBT can teach you how to better regulate your own emotions, thereby reducing the intense feelings that distort your perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Take care, Aussie.
Downtown is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
7 year relationship ended 2 months back, ex has been weird since, dont get it!?!?! pea007 Breaks and Breaking Up 4 12th September 2016 5:39 AM
5 year affair ended two months ago...still devastated Ruby80 The Other Man / Woman 10 5th July 2014 12:06 PM
Separated now nearly a year, wife ended it. Help! losteverything Separation and Divorce 7 5th June 2014 9:39 PM
He ended a six year relationship three months ago maylis Dating 6 3rd October 2011 4:28 PM
ever heard of ex-GF still not talking 14 months after she ended 6 year relationship? grounded Coping 4 2nd March 2004 6:37 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:20 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.