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Coping With The Loss of my Marriage


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 11th January 2017, 3:01 PM   #61
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
It's still about control, and your unwillingness to work together on equal footing.
I'm really confused how I'm being controlling in the above situation. He told me how he flet, I took time to reflect how I felt. We talked about it and both made an agreement to move in together. It was his idea for me to rent out the condo, but admit it was after I told him my fears. He said he would continue to drive an hour away to another city. I suggested meeting half way to make it fair for the both of us. If I'm missing something, please enlighten me.

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Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
He is an adult and you're his wife not his mother. Either you will love him for who he is or YOU will ruin this marriage beyond repair.
I'm aware he is an adult and I treat him like an adult. I don't coddle him like his own mother does. As for love him for who he is. I accept that he has a personality disorder and I love him despite that. But I don't think its fair to either one of us, if he uses it as an excuse. It is a part of him but why should it control him. I acknowledge and am working on my control issues.

Last edited by Wheremyheartis; 11th January 2017 at 3:16 PM..
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Old 11th January 2017, 3:22 PM   #62
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Keeping a "fall back" place in case it doesn't work....Or is it just another tool for controlling his behavior?

You mentioned that you got defensive when he expressed his feelings, you have no right to dictate how he feels.

It's good to see that you've finally acknowledge your control issues. It's a huge step, in the beginning of you posting here you were adamant about not being controlling.

As I told you when you started, I recognized your behavior because early in my marriage I did some control thing...Mine was rooted in my battle with OCD which stems from being a military kid.

I can promise you this, give up trying to control him and the outcome, it's so freeing. Stop trying to manipulate and control his behavior, voice your concerns or dissatisfaction with his actions then move on. Stop using emotional blackmail, If you behave the way I want then we can.....You can't maintain that, at some point he will tire of that dynamic.
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Old 12th January 2017, 12:37 AM   #63
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
Keeping a "fall back" place in case it doesn't work....Or is it just another tool for controlling his behavior?

You mentioned that you got defensive when he expressed his feelings, you have no right to dictate how he feels.

It's good to see that you've finally acknowledged your control issues. It's a huge step, in the beginning of you posting here you were adamant about not being controlling.

As I told you when you started, I recognized your behavior because early in my marriage I did some control thing...Mine was rooted in my battle with OCD which stems from being a military kid.

I can promise you this, give up trying to control him and the outcome, it's so freeing. Stop trying to manipulate and control his behavior, voice your concerns or dissatisfaction with his actions then move on. Stop using emotional blackmail, If you behave the way I want then we can.....You can't maintain that, at some point he will tire of that dynamic.
I'm not trying to control his behavior or how he feels. Sure, I got defensive, but that is coming from a place of fear and shock. After I took a few minutes to stop and listen to what he was saying It was easier.

There is many reasons why I still have my condo. My friend even asked why I didn't just have my husband move in there. A lot of it has to do with fear, space and I guess it could be some control, not so much of him but for myself. I've had it less than a year, and if I were to sell it, I'd lose money on it. I mentioned in an early post that my husband felt like he was walking on pins and needles around him. That is how I'm feeling around him too. I slowly believe in his changes. So many times I thought we would go somewhere and he'd bail on me. I'm letting go. But with my condo. Instead of letting him move into my personal space after our separation, he made the suggestion just to rent it out. After he had made that suggestion, I felt so much better.

About voicing my concerns and dissatisfaction, I'm falling advice given from our marriage counseling. He told both of us if we were feeling concerns and dissatisfactions, its best to talk about them. That brushing the issues under the rug can lead to more resentment later on. I saw it first hand in our marriage. I guess in a lot of my posts I'm talking about a lot of how I feel. But I can only comment on what I see, what he tells me and his actions to determine how he feels. I can never be sure how he is feeling if he is feeling controlled. So maybe how I am coming across and how he is feeling is totally different. I don't know.
As for talking about my concerns, his concerns, we came up with a solution. A way to compromise how we both feel and that is freeing.
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