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No Contact (NC). Guide for the long walk. Consolidated discussion.


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 3rd March 2005, 12:39 AM   #46
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NF
I too think that this post has helped me a lot too, and I also think that no contact is the only way to go. Even though I do not want to talk to my ex it still hurts that he never really tried to get into contact with me. It seems like most people on here have to stop the contact because their ex keeps calling, but my ex never did that to me. I think thats what hurts me the most. It makes me feel like he completely moved on right away and never looked back.
If only the ex would have tried to make some contact with me, I would at least feel like he was going through some hard times too. You know what I mean.
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Old 3rd March 2005, 12:58 AM   #47
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I have read al of your threads No Foolin. And sometimes I read them twice so that all ofwhat you say actually sinks in. I've been somewhat a fool for thinking contacting her can actually lead to something between us again. But as you say the more you pine and whine over them, the more you miss out on what really could be waiting for you on the other side of the fence.
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Old 3rd March 2005, 2:35 AM   #48
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It blows when our ex's leave and they pick up without a hint. I guess all I can say is: you had your time with him. If we sit and wonder we hurt ourselves. Maybe love never ends, I don't know...............

What keeps me going is the knowledge that my issues are mine and the past ex is just a symptom(sp) of a larger problem. I'll be damned if I alow some other human or what they did in a relationship define me.

If she moved on (who knows, who cares), thats her party. Our book ended and now I'm working on a different novel.

I am certain that I don't want any sort of contact with her. I don't want a birthday card, a hello e-mail, a cheesy JC Penny christmas photo card of her and her life, why? For what purpose? I won't be good with her again, validate her or sit fondly and reminise about prancing in the tall grass in the land of candy canes.

I can tell you I got off lucky and I really feel bad for the dude who commits where I bailed. Life is full of small blessings.

In our own way we are all lucky, think about what you may have lost.

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Old 3rd March 2005, 12:06 PM   #49
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Reply to Isabella82

I know exactly what you're talking about. I was the dumper in my break-up, but have tried reaching out to him a couple of times post break-up. The first few times, we actually talked and it was nice and friendly. But I have sinced tried reaching out again and these attempts have been met with non-response. In my mind, I just can't believe that someone who said they cared about you one day can be so cruel as to not even respond to your efforts to keep the line of communications open. I hope that he is hurting too and that all he wants right now is some space.......

I've given up wondering....just pointless.....the relationship didn't work out and it sucks, but you can't control the other person. I guess NF had it right......we've got to pick up the pieces, stick to our NC rule and try to move on with our lives.

Good luck to you. We're all here together in the same boat.
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Old 13th March 2005, 11:27 PM   #50
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bump!

Bumping this thread up cuz it was on page two...WAAAY too valuable to be hidden away!
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Old 14th March 2005, 1:44 AM   #51
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another good reason for nc

I did the "tried to talk to him" thing ... he even took me out on my birthday. It was nice, it was great, whatevers.

This weekend wowsers if the world didn't blow up and land in my lap. His daughter calls on Thursday, wants me to help clean his house since he has been out of country for 30 some days. Wants to be all sweet and nice. Wrestled with myself on that one, but ok ... I say ok (cause heck I love the guy right?)

His ex~wife calls me early Friday am. Only ever had one other one on one conversation before and she is asking me if I am really going to help daughter, how I am bigger person than she is because wow, didn't you know he is getting married? Oh and PS the reason daughter wants/needs to clean house? She had a house party of over 300 kids and there is all kinds of evidience laying around said home, from three weeks before! Not only had cops shown up, but had been called to disban party four times, and once cause the neighbors mailbox was plowed down

So I go, and let me tell you that his house was destroyed. I only spend a bit of time helping cause I have to go back to work, but wow. I am still laughing that after three weeks she had done nothing, and instead of taking trash (four bags) to the can, and setting on curb? Nah, we stick them in little brothers' room and then whine because we have no where to put them so he won't see 'em.

His toliet got busted (ok so had to fix that, they used it and couldn't flush), his dishwasher is busted but filled with crusty moldy plates, every cup he has was filled with crystals of various colors from the drinks, four buckets of cleaning water to clean floor and mud tracked through out the entire home. And his pride and joy, the down blanket? Laying in a heap on the floor of his bedroom while his bed looks as if 40 kids used it as a trampoline. Not to mention the blender they used that looked like it exploded over the all and counter, floor, you name it. Was a really pretty pink from what I could tell.

Now mind you, I am still in the "oh this is just some mistake and when he gets back he will set the record straight and want me back" frame of mind. There are several other things I could say about what was said between daughter and I, like her wanting me to fill up the tank of gas because she is empty but has to give said car back to him, how I am asked to buy some groceries, blah blah. I didn't do either of those, gave her three bucks for gas and that was all, and a computer tower that was restored, but that was promised long before any of this other crap.

His ex calls me again, Saturday, the day of his return, to ask how bad the house was (she couldn't go in because he has restraining order against her) and thanks me for looking out for her kid. That she is pregnant but not by him. And I said something to the effect that I wished I knew when he met this lady he is marrying so I can see if he cheated on me (I have come to face the fact I was used to cheat on her ... I understand that it wasn't my fault persay but still leaves a mark on one) and sure, he was set up on a blind date a week BEFORE he broke up with me. He had never said one word to me about him feeling something was missing or he was wanting to date others (last to know).

And still I am not mad. Hurt, confused, broken hearted, all whatevers but not mad. At least not til about 1:30 am this morning/last night. And then I get pissed. I don't think I have ever been so angry in all my life.

I had a journal I had written in everyday, talked about what I went through, how I felt, all kinds of things. Funny memories, whatevers went into that book. So about the time I get pissed I decide that hey, this guy deserves to understand what he has done to someone else ... not by wanting to marry someone else but by cheating, lying and just being an SOB. So I drive to his house, leave it on the front seat of his car, and then come home and call his voicemail. Say that I deserved to be told the truth from the beginning, how I think it is lovely that he is wanting to marry someone that he has clearly already cheated on, that I didn't appreciate being used that way, and that I wished him many years of great luck, he was going to need it And there was my final gift on the seat of his car, he may want to read at least the last pages so he can see what shape he leaves another in when he lies.

The anger is gone. I find the whole situation funny and to be out of some soap opera now, and if I could go back and change the past ... I would go back to the day he said goodbye and shake his hand and say thank you . I would have never contacted him again if he had said he was dating someone else, but he couldn't be truthful to me ... let alone to himself.

His ex called me today, to see if I was ok. I said yep, she says that he has kicked his daughter out of his house (she will live with her mom full time now), that about a year ago he cut off all communication with the oldest who lives 20 minutes away at college, and that he is drinking quite heavily. I told her it was probably the best thing he could do for either of those two children at this time and she ought to get prepared to have the other three at any time. He is on full destruct mode and I just pray he doesn't hurt anyone when he goes down in flames.

Sometimes when they let you go, and you don't know why? Let them go. Don't seek any answers, don't contact them, don't make yourself look like an idiot. It is best to let the past be the past and move on. No matter how much you love them.
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Old 14th March 2005, 11:24 AM   #52
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Re: another good reason for nc

Quote:
Originally posted by sportynut38
Don't seek any answers, don't contact them, don't make yourself look like an idiot. It is best to let the past be the past and move on. No matter how much you love them.
the best piece of advice for anyone. i think too many ppl use nc as a way of gettin someone back, its not, u have to move on and get on with ur life, its a chance to focus on urself and wen u do, ull see what the ex has lost and everything uv gained!!
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Old 14th March 2005, 11:25 AM   #53
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Quote:
Originally posted by No Foolin
I can tell you I got off lucky and I really feel bad for the dude who commits where I bailed.
preach!!!!

thats exactly how i feel and wen u get there its the best feeling in the world!!
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Old 27th March 2005, 2:06 PM   #54
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Great thread!!!

Great thread
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Old 27th March 2005, 2:09 PM   #55
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IT is an excellent thread! Glad it's been brought to life again. SO many have been inspired by No Foolin'. Speaking of which...WHERE did ya go NF?
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Old 27th March 2005, 6:50 PM   #56
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Wow, this thread has really stopped me from making some major mistakes. My breakup with my ex was definitely a mutual thing, I mean I was more unhappy with her than she was with me. She just had enough sense to pull out before it got too bad. When things were good they were amazing, we both have this connection that we have never had with anyone else. We can't go one week without talking to each other, longest we have ever gone was 2 days.

First major mistake I made was hooking up with a girl immediately after our breakup. I told my ex about it, and told her how she meant nothing to me and that I only wanted her, and well I just don't think things will ever be the same. She just contacted me yesterday, though I don't know why she would want to after what I've done. Anyways, I know she still loves me and wants me, but she has said that she wants to be able to get over me.

I'm not going to stand in her way at all. Deep down I believe that this girl is special, and that we can work, but right now I've got to be able to fix my own problems before i get back into a relationship with anyone. I told her we could be friends, she said that it was ok, but now I think after reading all of this that NC is the way to go. She is expecting us to have dinner this week, monday I think, but I won't call her or even go online for this entire week. I'm gonna show her that I don't need her to survive and that I can be perfectly fine on my own. We'll see how it goes, I've bookmarked this thread so I can go to it whenever i get the urges.
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Old 27th March 2005, 11:56 PM   #57
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I think this post should be pinned. So many people seem to be inspired by No Foolin's words and wisdom, and the other posters who have shared theirs as well...
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Old 28th March 2005, 12:22 AM   #58
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Amen to that...vote for sticky...
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Old 28th March 2005, 12:37 AM   #59
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Yup I let the Mods know about this thread. Definately sticky worthy! LMAO!
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Old 2nd April 2005, 8:29 PM   #60
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Hey kids how's the coping thing going? Remember the worst battle is dealing with yourself (its the most important one. Its a life long one).

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