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No Contact (NC). Guide for the long walk. Consolidated discussion.


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 26th February 2005, 6:20 AM   #31
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Yeah - no contact ??!!

After ready this post, I have decided that no-contact is the only way.

I have been riding that emotional roller coaster of - him contacting me, me getting my hopes up, contacting him back, him withdrawing (WTF??), me getting bitter and depressed.

So back to no contact.

We will see where it goes.

One day and holding!!!

Last time I tried NC - in one week he emailed me three times!!!

Whatever the weather!


I still love him. So is the only way to 'win' him back is to never speak to him again??

Yeah makes total sense.
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Old 27th February 2005, 2:22 PM   #32
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Good people, you don't need anyone!!!!!! Thinking that you need someone to make you HAPPY is a lie. Nobody is capable of of making you happy. Thats like someone (other than you) eating a sandwich to make you full. Ergo (thus), no contact is for YOU. Its like vacation from a stressful job. Its like staying home from work because you have the flu. No contact is not a game to get your ex to want you. Most of all, no contact is the time when you find out why you go after the people you do. Why you do the things that you do. It is the time for you to drop some knowledge into your dome, and figure out why you tick. It is saying to yourself and the world "I'm wounded and shaken; but I am still standing, I accept the things that are weak and imperfect and I will walk the line and punch these issues right in the colon, this to shall pass".

or

You can hurry up and get into another relationship, avoid your own demons by numbing them away with chick or dude drama, alcohol, drugs whatever. Thats like someone trying to walk off a bullet wound, lol. You could also contact your ex (constantly) and give the impression that you a little b**th. give them all of your power by inflections in you voice and body language that says "I have no self respect, you own me, I will get on my knees and service you, because I have no concept of who I am outside a relationship, please use me an throw me away, I'm am worthless"

If you really need to

You can think of no contact as training camp for a run in with your ex (I don't suggest this). So after a good year of being in the lab, you can view the time away from your ex as just down time for them to adjust themselves before you rock there face off (exs really don't like it when you improve and they stagnate)

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Old 27th February 2005, 2:56 PM   #33
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Thank you No Foolin and the rest of you all.

I've had one of those weekends where I was feeling on top of the world, bumped into my ex whilst out and pretended that I was fine with it all. We spoke briefly and then I got out of there. She asked why I was going and I just said I'd had a good night and I was ready for home.
I have wanted to ring her all day but I have not done so. What's the point? Like you all say, it's just self hurt in the end.

I've not been on this site for a while now because I am doing my police training and it's amazing and keeps me away all week. My colleagues have been ringing me all tonight so I'm going back to the training school in a bit; it's my third week now of 12.

Today has been hard for me and as usual this place and you top people are here. Reading this thread has really helped.

Thank you

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Old 27th February 2005, 3:15 PM   #34
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Hi there BAS - nice to hear an update from you!! Have been wondering how you were doing.

Good that things are going well with the police training.

And yeah for you that you are able to NOT ring her.

I keep checking MSN to see if he is on - and he is at the moment. And what am I doing instead of 'chatting' with him, hanging around LS.

B.
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Old 27th February 2005, 3:15 PM   #35
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excellent work!!! Congrats

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Old 28th February 2005, 3:39 AM   #36
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Thumbs up email from ex about NC

hey NF i love your posts! esp agree with the "look deeper" post and how our childhood experience defines what we need from our lover. i think im a prime example. i really like who i am when im with him, he always complemented me and thought i was cute when i was doing crazy and silly things like a child (literally, e.g. making faces, telling silly jokes etc), and i really miss that about him.

all your advices are applicable except "hook up". i do miss physical closeness a lot but i know i need to become emotionally itimate in order to enjoy physical closeness with someone. and right now i have still not completely let go of the relationship, and i loved him too much to fall for someone else in the near future. this really sucks esp becoz ex has been using this method to ease his depression, or simply just to happily abuse his freedom! we have been in NC for 4 weeks now and he left me an email at the begining: "you have to work on relationships but sometimes you just have to let go and see what happens. i need you too, you are my closest friend here and i love you. but i dont know what i want and i know i dont want to be with you now becoz i cant see it working. and im certainly not ready to think in terms of being together forever so i made the decision of NC becoz it was wrong of me to string you along. you live your own life and make your own path........there are plenty more wonderful people out there, give yourself and them a chance. it's about time that you start liking and loving yourself.
im sure we will be back in contact after some time, but i dont know how long. i will be thinking of you but i wont be worrying about you." signed with love. somehow this letter has kept me hopeful for reconciliation and unwilling to move on. please could you guys give an objective analysis of his email and tell me to move on, i need a little push. thanks guys!!!
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Old 28th February 2005, 1:51 PM   #37
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This post has truly been an inspiration....and there is a certainly level of comfort knowing that what I'm groing through is shared by many kindred souls out there.

I broke up with a long-distance guy about 3 weeks ago and have broken the NC several times. I was the dumper, although I really didn't want to end the relationship and I cared about him deeply, just the timing wasn't right for both of us as he is a LOT younger than me and LIVES in another continent. Anyway, I'm sure I'm sending him mixed signals b/c there is part of me that wants him in my life still, even though I don't want to resume things with him as they are.

I recently sent him an email, the "how are you doing" kin" and have not heard back from him (it has been 3 days). I'm just a little surprised that he can be so cruel and heartless as to not even respond to my email? Do you think that's the case? Or does he really just hate me b/c I ended things with him? I'm feeling a little down that he hasn't even tried to reach out to me......I thought we could at least try to keep the line of communication going. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.....
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Old 28th February 2005, 2:07 PM   #38
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Quote:
Originally posted by BM30153
I broke up with a long-distance guy about 3 weeks ago and have broken the NC several times. I was the dumper, although I really didn't want to end the relationship and I cared about him deeply, just the timing wasn't right for both of us as he is a LOT younger than me and LIVES in another continent. Anyway, I'm sure I'm sending him mixed signals b/c there is part of me that wants him in my life still, even though I don't want to resume things with him as they are.

I recently sent him an email, the "how are you doing" kin" and have not heard back from him (it has been 3 days). I'm just a little surprised that he can be so cruel and heartless as to not even respond to my email? Do you think that's the case? Or does he really just hate me b/c I ended things with him? I'm feeling a little down that he hasn't even tried to reach out to me......I thought we could at least try to keep the line of communication going. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.....

I stopped answering ReluctantJuliette's telephone calls. She dumped me but kept sending mixed signals. I found it too painful. I wanted her and in my heart of hearts I jumped at any scrap she threw me, although outwardly I maintained my cool. Most of the time

NC is a chance for me to gain perspective and sort myself out.

A question for you. Under what circumstances would you have this guy back? Does he know this?
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Old 28th February 2005, 4:23 PM   #39
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Reluctant Romeo,

To answer your question, I never really specify under what circumstances I would want him back. Basically, I ended things with him because I wanted more committment from him, which he was not ready to do b/c of where we are in our lives....I'm a little older and more established in my career whereas he was just starting out. I also had to walk away b/c he admitted that he could not reciporcate the same level of feelings that I want/deserve. Even still the last time we spoke (after the break up), I sensed that he still liked me too, and I had thought about going over to see him, even though (as I told him) my intention was not to resume things as they are. He is fine with having a "casual" girlfriend, but I'm looking for something a little more. So, I had to walk.....so, in this case, it's not a classic case of me being the voluntary dumper...I had to b/c I just thought it was a dead-end street, ya know?

I would want to be in a relationship with him IF I thought he was ready for a long-term, serious committed relationship, i.e. heading towards the path of at least living in together. But given where he is in his life, living in Europe with his parents and still struggling to get his career going, I just don't think he is ready for that kind of responsibility. On a rational level, I totally understand this, but I can't help but miss him terribly.....hence, my inability to NC completely.....but my last effort to reach out to him has been met with non-response. Is that because he has moved on? Or is he just exercising distance as a way for him to deal with this too? I just can't believe he could be so cold and cruel so as to cut ALL ties.....

romeo, what do you think? Not once did you cave and called your ex back? Did she say she wanted you back?
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Old 1st March 2005, 12:11 PM   #40
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Quote:
Originally posted by BM30153
romeo, what do you think? Not once did you cave and called your ex back? Did she say she wanted you back?
OK, I understand your situation better now.

No I haven't caved in once - with the exception of a birthday ecard. Wanted to, but didn't. She phoned a lot at first but never left a message and I never picked up. I was pretending to be out having fun

In the 2 weeks between her dumping me and NC she several times hinted she wanted me back, but kept taking it away when I responded. I would have loved to have her back, but she never followed through.

We have been more than 6 weeks NC now. I'd love to hear from her. But I can't build a relationship on mixed signals.
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Old 1st March 2005, 2:39 PM   #41
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I think when we are the ones that have been dumped and our ex does contact us, we look too deep into things. We are clutching for straws, searching for a mixed message to give us any hope at all of getting back together.

I know I recieved a few messages over the past 6 weeks, and everyone of them gave me hope, thinking I was a chance. But when I sit down and listen and read to what was said, maybe the messages were not actually mixed at all.. just me hoping they were...

That was my case anyway.. maybe not yours...
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Old 2nd March 2005, 4:01 AM   #42
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thx all

Hey all

First off, thanks for some excellent insight + advice... Helpin me right now..... Is NC the only way, cuz we're pretty close, we (still) live together but she's into online dating and stuff so I have no illusions. plus, if I move out, it will mess up my education, at least this semester. but sometimes, I get really depressed, also, if we fight, I'm really really messed up, can't think straight without begging her to make up with me.... complicated? yes. confused? so am I.....
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Old 2nd March 2005, 10:42 PM   #43
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Hello people:

Listen, if you have been with your ex for any considerable time, it is next to impossible not to think of them. This is the very reason for no contact. Have you all heard the statement "time heals all wounds", it is very, very true; unless you have just been smashed into a wall by a commercial trash truck. Then time would make you fertilizer. The point is, in order to get your head right, you have to get into the mud of your pain and work it out. The last thing you need is to be jawing with you ex, you just keep drinking the poison your trying to cure yourself from.

An above post stated something to the effect of analyzing messages from your ex. Congrats you have now just wasted 5 to 10 minutes of your life that your never going to get back and you have made yourself feel like sh*t.

For mercy sake I will say this. Yes, you are still in your ex's head (not to the extent that we think about them). When two humans take up the majority of each others lives, mentally, emotionally, physically, a bond is created. Now the trick is to break the bond otherwise be a slave to a ghost that you gave power to.

IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN YOU. The door is in front of you. You can turn around and walk away or sit there and stare at it. Freedom is at the other side. Only you can open it and walk through. You will always have the memory of your ex, so don't be afraid you are going to lose them; however, "you can't go home" you can't have them back, you've come to far, people change, now its your turn.

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Old 2nd March 2005, 10:49 PM   #44
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Excellent once again...

No Foolin' you're awesome. I can tell you 100 times a day. Wish you were around waaay back when I went through my heavy crap. You're a GURU on this thread and are helping SO many people.

I think you oughtta do what Jmargel does...Copy and paste this thread http into your signature.
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Old 2nd March 2005, 11:18 PM   #45
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No Foolin

No Foolin, all I have to say is you are sooooo wise. You word things so perfectly. I feel so liberated when I read your posts. You are just awesome. You should write a book or an online breakup guide. I would definitely buy it!!!


Thank you for taking time out to write some really insightful and helpful post. My heart healed a lot faster after folllowing the NC rules.
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