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No Contact (NC). Guide for the long walk. Consolidated discussion.


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 16th February 2005, 7:00 PM   #16
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I know its hard brother, but how does all of this drama with girl make YOU feel? I know you love her, but what toll is this taking on you........That is what concerns me.

Think: In all relationships we are trying to take care of needs, some surface: Sex, closeness, compainionship. Others are under the surface: shoring up pain from childhood or various tramatic events like abandonment or rejection. You need to ask yourself these questions and understand your attraction to her.

Another thing: Love is more of a verb than a noun. When you love someone you are loving them. You love her. She leaves for other dudes, is she loving (verb) you, NO. weigh the cost and it appears you are losing more than you are winning. Stopping yourself from growing. Its a moment of clairity when you see that she is shoring up needs that have nothing to do with you. FOR YOU, roll out, get yourself free, there are at least 60 way to leave your lover
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Old 17th February 2005, 9:58 AM   #17
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I'm not sitting by the phone waiting for her to call, that's for sure. I pretty sure that what he said to get her down there and what he does now is two different things and I'm also sure she regrets going there by now but hey, I tried to tell her and she knew what she was getting into. She threw a perfectly good relationship away for nothing, so you're right about the drama and all the crap associated with her. She actually did me a favor when I look back on it because if I can survive that kind of hurt and rejection, then asking someone out and getting a simple "no" won't really mean anything. It certainly can't be any worse than what I just experienced.
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Old 20th February 2005, 10:25 AM   #18
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Nofoolin I think that was an excellent post. I also wish I would have read this sooner. You are right. Contacting your ex is the worst thing you could do. No matter how bad you want to do it just don't. I made that big mistake. Actually Friday him & I hung out (I stayed at his house). We did talk. He said he loved hanging out with me and had a good time. He misses me blah blah blah. BUT he remembers all the bad times we had. Whatever that means. Anyway, today is Sunday and I am still feeling a little screwed up. So just don't do it. I do feel like I'm back to square one, the break up day.
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Old 21st February 2005, 5:04 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally posted by Crystal3187
Actually Friday him & I hung out (I stayed at his house). We did talk. He said he loved hanging out with me and had a good time. He misses me blah blah blah. BUT he remembers all the bad times we had. Whatever that means. Anyway, today is Sunday and I am still feeling a little screwed up. So just don't do it. I do feel like I'm back to square one, the break up day.

Hey, I'm sorry to hear that. Bad news.

I have to confess that I spent Friday evening with an ex... where I had been the dumper. I'm worried that I haven't done her any good. I didn't do the "I miss you" thing. Or "I remember the bad times". I was very nice and complimentary and kept it light, friendly and fun... but I didn't realise that she was still keen on me after this time. Any advice as to how I should have played it... or what I should do now to protect her heart? We're not in a situation where we can avoid each other totally.
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Old 21st February 2005, 7:50 AM   #20
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We are in the same situation. We can't totally avoid each other. He works with my father. So I do often see him and it hurts me. He misses me and all that stuff but why won't he get back with me? Well anyway, I don't think that there is anything you can do to to protect her heart. Seeing you is just going to make it worse as it did for me. The only thing I could think to protect her heart is NC but you said you can't avoid each other. I'm sorry I can't be of more help.
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Old 21st February 2005, 12:16 PM   #21
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Take it from me the absolute worst thing you can do is attempt to get in to contact with your ex (regardless of the reason). From a guys perspective, men have a far more difficult time getting over their ex. I think women have a far stronger support structure and tend to listen to the advice of family and friends; thus, when they hear enough times "that he's a jerk" and have their feelings validated by those outside the relationship, they tend to run with it.

If you have spent considerable time away from your ex, 4+ months, your gonna need a 100 yard touchdown pass to get him/her back into your life. I've been through this several times. All contacting your ex is going to do is really screw you up, like spiking yourself in the nuts with a snow shovel (know what I'm saying). You don't want to know how they are doing (its really more than you can handle). Nothing that you are doing is going to impress or endear them to you, regardless who dumped who.

I have noticed that those of us here, tend to be the ones that are plauged by the memory of loves lost. Our ex is not pimping this site. They do not sit and pine after you. They have moved on. Take this example: past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Think back to a time when you ex discussed ex-boyfriend/girlfriend with you. Remember how they talked about them? Remember how they got over them? They are doing the same thing to you (we are very slowly accepting this and we are very, very pissed off).

In my opinion and after many conversations with guys and girls, you don't quite get over those you have been close to. If you have ever had a death in your family you will understand where I'm coming from. Regardless of time you will always have a small ache when their memory surfaces, fact.

However, the agony of loss will eventually go away. I am a firm adhearer to the concept of modeling the sucess of others to become sucessful. What I'm saying is mimic what others are doing to get yourself free. This is what I have learned.

1) Treat yourself as if you are your girlfriend/boyfriend when you first met them. how did you speak to them? Speak to yourself in the same way. Did you dress to the 9 to be more attractive for your love? Do the same for yourself now. Were you physically attentive to them? Get massages, change up your flat, put yourself in luxury. Did you workout to impress them? Exercise and get rocked up for yourself now.

2)You must treat your ex like he/she is a serial killing stalker. Avoid all (once again ALL) contact with them. Do not call, e-mail, PM, morse code, smoke signal your ex. You will go back to day one of your break up when you do this. Subconciously I think they want to hurt you, so you can hurt like they did.

3)Break your patterns. Do not drive by your ex's place, work, hangouts. You will not accomplish anything but hurting yourself. How would you feel if you see him/her with another (back to break up day 1)? Find other hangouts, other routes to work, other places to workout May cost you some extra money to change locale but it saves on the pain.

4) Become obsessed with a project (this is essential) do some thing you always wanted to do, I don't care what it is. Make sure it involves other people (makes it social). Give yourself little free time. Its when were alone that the demons come.

5) know your mind, find out when you think about your ex, and plan accordingly. I know when I'm tired or really hungry or have nothing to do, her memory surfaces (and she's a scrub). WATCH HOW YOU TALK TO YOURSELF. Congnitive Behavioral Therapy adhears to: What you think is what you feel. This for me is very true. When I feel bad, I do it to myself, not her, not you, ME.

6) Lay off serious relationships for awhile...REALLY! When you do have down time from your now hectic life, that is when you go out with friends and get your drink/party on.

7) Hook up......Yes I said hook up! People, really much of the time all we miss is the physical closeness we had with our ex (for guys this is normally 90% true). My ex was a walking version of the Blair Witch Project (that was me standing in the corner LOL). The physical was all that kept me, even when s**t was really bad. I have found now adays many people are into no strings realtionships or "booty calls" if you will (many people just don't want the hassle of being emotional, or have time for a relationship). My advice is enter into negotiations with a perspective girl/guy. Negotiations should consist of the nature of the realtionship (physical+no drama). Both parties must agree or someone is going to get hurt. I believe that once the physical is taken care of and no relationship is assumed you can be free to work on yourself. The power of the ex will be greatly diminished.

8)Emergency measures: If you run into your ex. If you can roll out before they see you, bail. YOU CANNOT HANDLE what they have to say to you. If you can't bail, wave, smile, roll out (somethings are better left unsaid). If you are trapped and you have to talk, follow these rules A) do not give any info out about you B) do not request info about them C)You are busy, state this nicely, with smile, roll out. You have just saved yourself a ton of pain and you are also mysterious, they think that they're not worth your time (they're not).

8.5) After action: After you see you ex, your going to be a tad screwed up. Refer rule 1) talk to yourself like you are your significant other. Flood yourself with realistic positive comments and walk it off and GET BUSY DOING SOMETHING.

9) Alone emergency measures: A) Get busy doing something (make a card castle, exercise, whatever) B) instill this thought: My situation is not bad, there are people on this planet dying from killer waves, sleeping on the street, being abused by those who should be taking care of them or wasting away from disease, all I got is heart ache, I'm being a little B**ch. If your really hurting just roll into a cancer ward and try to explain your problem to people who are about to take a dirt nap, walk it off

To close, I am well on my way to walking this off. Big part of it was lurking here. This is all that I have learned. You people rock. I'm gonna stick around because unknowingly you did the same for me. Point of interest, I have two dates lined up for the rest of FEB. I'm back!!! I would not change one single thing. What dosen't kill us make us stronger.

No Foolin
Well for somebody who lurks around...YOU give awesome advice. I wish I'd known this info WAAAAYYY back when during my heartaches when I was younger and going through heavy *****.

I DO hope anybody who passes through this section reads what you wrote because it really is genious! How you wrote it and how to take it all in and deal with it. Wow!! And I have NO clue why I popped in this section today, just was wandering about!!

I hope you're doing well No Foolin!
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Old 23rd February 2005, 5:43 PM   #22
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I urge everybody to look deeper

I'm glad I could be of assistance. What I urge everyone to do is gain perspective. What I mean is this: Why is it that we become so devistated by the end of a relationship? What need was being met? These questions are essential to answer.

When I wrote this guide I wanted to convey what I learned from all of you. This guide essentially was written by everyone here, I just typed it out. I also talked to dozens of people young and old, popular and not so popular, players and loners, this is the result.

THe main thing that rings is "you never can go home". I know that many will disagree with this. But really how many relationships get back together and are better, forming into a lasting love affair and possibly marrige........................... Less than 10% kids. All relationships end, how one chooses to deal with the end, will determine much about your character.

Look deeper, many do not realize that how we currently handle realtionships, was determined in many cases how we were molded and shaped when we were children. I have seen various case studies which stated that those with strong close relationships with parents, were raised in loving households and have a good sense of self, tend to take breakups in stride ie: Sad for a couple of months then move on. Those of us which have had "difficult" upbringings tend to attempt to satisfy needs which were not met as children, this is no B.S. After all, repitition is the mother of all skill. We as people are not difficult to figure out. We are slave to our patterns.

1) CHANGING YOU BEHAVIORS IS GREAT; BUT, you will go back to old patterns if you do not find out the REAL true reason why you act and feel the way you do. EXAMPLE: I may feel saddness, anger and frustration resulting from the end of my relationship; but, is the reason I feel this way because of her NO, NO, NO. Just because you burn a tree down doesn't mean the roots are dead to. Hurt and pain is much deeper.

2) SOLITUDE IS THE ONLY WAY YOUR GOING TO WALK THIS OFF. Your hurt and devistated, you want them back so much, why????? Because they are taking care of a NEED, because you belive they are making you FEEL a certain way. So you give all of your power to a dream and a memory, somehow keeping them alive in your head keeps them with you. Let it go........I promise you can always get that memory back, that won't leave you. Once you let it go, YOU ARE EFFECTIVELY ALONE. This is the battle for possession of your soul. YOU NEED TO SACK UP AND GET INTO THE WAR. Being in love with someone else right away to numb the pain, is just featuring your behind for a double feature of suck (we've all been there kids, you know I'm right).

3) PSYCHOTHERAPY. Any person that says therapy is for pu**ies, needs to be locked into a Porta John and rolled down a hill. I would be alarmed like a swiss bank, if anyone on Loveshack stated therapy is for losers. I would then ask them why are they on Loveshack?????? The insight it takes to realize that you can't find perspective on your own is noble and manly/womanly. Its kind of like clearing out a clogged drain in your sink. Sure you can pour some Liquid Plumber down the drain (Loveshack, self-help books) and it may work for awhile. However, the drain keeps clogging and the liquid Plumber isn't clearing the problem, what do you do?
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Old 23rd February 2005, 5:54 PM   #23
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continued

....Kids you go seek a professional.

Word of caution: you will only get out of it what you put in. If you approach it like someone who is hungover and raking leaves, don't waste your time and money. If you apply yourself like Gandalf walking down the Balrog, a year down the road, man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You will feel PRICELESS.

To close, the guide to the long walk is an everyday routine to living with the loss of a relationship. Going deeper, is a plea for you to forever set yourself free. This is much, much harder. But we all have been in pain for some time, so at least this is for possession of your soul.

Wouldn't it be great in the future for you to say to your next serious girlfriend/boyfriend, "I love you and want you, but I don't NEED you". You only need you kids........Its always been you.


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Old 23rd February 2005, 11:05 PM   #24
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Bravo.

Excellent post, NF. You somehow remind me of.....me.

What he's saying is absolutely spot-on, guys. Everyone who's in this situation, just take that walk. You have to do it. The road is long, and it's tough, and it will hurt you a lot to do it... but the pain that walking away will bring you is NOTHING in comparison to the endless anguish you'll be putting yourself through if you try to "be there for them". You got dumped, so guess what? They aren't going to be there for YOU. When you're feeling like the lowest grade of crap imaginable, they aren't going to be there for you. If they start dating again before you're fully over them, they are not going to stop just because it hurts you. When someone leaves you, they are no longer there for you in any capacity. You are at best, an awkward friendship...and at worst, an annoying bit of history. Don't waste your time and your peace of mind on an attempt at maintaining a sense of closeness and affection which THEY discarded. You can't make someone dig through a trash can to get something back that they lost. That ball is completely in their court. You just have to walk.

The sad truth is that in the end, the more effort you put forth in this "battle" the more you will lose. This person you still ache for so intensely will eventually grow to resent your "persistance" or just consider you to be a depressing presence in their life. Do you really want that? If the relationship ended on a somewhat positive note, wouldn't you rather have them remember you for the good times instead of the end times and the bad times that followed? In no way should you "wait around" for them, but if you cross paths in the future something may just rekindle...unless you've acted like a whiny punk the entire time after the breakup. There's no point in it. You could be stuck pining over your ex far longer than you need to, and maybe even inadvertantly miss the opportunity to meet someone who's far better for you.

I'm in this same situation with the rest of you. I want nothing more than to just be with her for a while. Talk to her for a while. I keep fighting the temptation to call her and shoot the breeze. I fight it because while hearing her voice would be very nice, it would cause me a lot of pain in the end. We broke up on good terms and I have no reason to be bitter with her about how things ended. They just ended. Nothing lasts forever. There is no "mile marker" which declares what was or was not a "good" realationship. If the relationship ended without her cheating on you with your best friend and robbing your apartment, consider yourself FORTUNATE. I do. Inside, I think all of us wish things could have "worked out" or "lasted a little longer"...but it serves no purpose to mourn such things. All relationships end. Sometimes sooner, sometimes later. It's just part of life and personally, it's something I'm beginning to accept.

What the WRONG thing to do, however, is feebly trying to recapture the spirit of a period in your life (and theirs) that is now over. NoFoolin is absolutely right when he says that you'll still have your memories in the end. God's honest truth to that. My first gf and I had a terrible break-up. At the end, were screaming at each other, saying terrlble things and writing each other angry letters. It was really bad. It hurt for a long time too. But it's been over a year since then, and you know what? It doesn't bother me at all. My ex and I are on very friendly terms and still talk from time to time. I've almost completely forgotten the horrible finale of our relationship, and these days, I can sit back and actually enjoy fond memories of the good times we had together while it lasted...it brings a smile to my face being able to play back that part of my life.

That principle is what has kept me from breaking down during THIS break up. Folks, everything has a way of working out in time. I know for a fact that, eventually I'll get over this. I can say with complete certainty that someday I will be able to look back on the events of those past 4 months with a smile. I will be able to remember it, not with a bittersweet longing for what once was, but with a warm appreciation for just being lucky enough to have experienced it. Worse things could have happened to me in the past four months. I'm sure a lot of you could say the same.

At the moment though, part of me is still longing for what we had...and I have to make myself let go. In the future, Colleen and I may develop a great and rewarding friendship, spark up another love affair...or we may be total strangers to each other for the rest of our lives. But regardless of the outcome, I will always have my memories. There's nothing (aside from massive head trauma) that can take them away from me...or from any of you. Take that for what it's worth.

Cheers,
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Old 23rd February 2005, 11:10 PM   #25
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Originally posted by Grinning Maniac
Bravo.

Excellent post, NF. You somehow remind me of.....me.
Excellent post, GRINNINGMANIAC. You remind me of me and exactly what I would say.

Day-um, were we twins seperated @ birth?
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Old 23rd February 2005, 11:43 PM   #26
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NF, I think I you!! Oh your words of advice are so bang on and 100% true. All of it.

I've thought all of what you've written, just never seen it put out there like that.

Quote:
Word of caution: you will only get out of it what you put in.
SO True!! What you put into it is what you get out of it. That's my motto too!

Take it easy NF. Look forward to hearing some more from you!!!
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Old 24th February 2005, 3:39 AM   #27
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Grinning Maniac, outstanding reply.......we could be related, never know, lol

WWIU lol, thanks!

Sometimes stepping into the light can hurt your eyes other times it warms your face, people. Sometimes you have to be dragged into the light. I'm not one to quietly sit and watch someone drown in saddness and pity. I think a short time in the dark is good, helps with grief. We all have to feel the pain of loss......Its human. We've all been there. We have all remembered the sting of loss, as we analyze, and burn with devestating fantasies of what are ex is doing. We have all looked like we have low crawled through some weeds after going on benders the likes of which offed River Pheonix (know what I'm saying). We have all woke up off the floor and had to brush pennies and dimes off our face and maybe the odd potato chip. But those times are gone, so why would you let your mind run videos of loss.

BUT I LOVE HIM/HER!!!!! Hey, you still can, nobody said you had to not care, nobody can take that away. They just don't love you. Your character is determined by what you do in crisis, not what you do in comfort. I for one will not be remembered as a man who wasted his life over a girl, who is a case study in a psychiatric journal at best.

You need to think about how you will be remembered. You could A) wallow in self-hatred, being angry because what you had is no longer. You could psychologically have yourself beaten with clubs and left bleeding in the moonlight, by daily reliving your relationship. Or you could B) Understand that is has always been you. ITS ALWAYS BEEN YOU. You are making yourself feel pain, you are pining, you are analyzing, you are falling back. NOBODY IS GOING TO SAVE YOU.............Good, we don't need them. If we all are hurting ourselves, then we can all save ourselves. If you really want to get better, I mean really, accept that its over and put one foot in front of the other and walk.


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Old 24th February 2005, 4:53 AM   #28
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Quote:
Originally posted by No Foolin
beaten with clubs and left bleeding in the moonlight
coughcoughgeorgecarlincoughcough


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Old 24th February 2005, 4:56 AM   #29
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LOL
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Old 25th February 2005, 11:24 AM   #30
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Guess who's been calling me? Read my other post to see how rediculous she is. You would think she's starting to regret what she did to me.
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