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It feels like my soul has been ripped apart


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 18th October 2017, 9:16 AM   #1
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It feels like my soul has been ripped apart

I'm feeling really sad and hurt. I'm not sure if I can keep my self sane the comming weeks and months.
I will try to keep it short.

I have just moved out from my ex-boyfriends apartment. He broke up with me yesterday, well in fact he broke up twice before already, first time a year ago during the same time of the year and then again just before summer. First time we had just moved back from abroad. To give some context, we meet 3 years ago (in a month) aborad at the company we both worked for, he started a year earlier. We are both from the same city and same country, but just happen to meet in Amsterdam. We moved in togheter and everything was really good. A year later, I got sick, I had hit the wall. We both did an immense over time several hours a day for half a year. I got physically sick so I had to be hosptialised and had to quit work. My ex contract was also comming to an end, so we decided to move back to our home country. He strated to struggle and feel depressed, he was like a complete different person and we had just moved back home for a month. He dumped me out of the blue and said he couldn't anymore, that he wasn't happy and I was to blame. I was devasted, I had panic attacks, I felt ill. It felt like a part of me died.
I got myself a short-term apartment and after a month we had contact again and we moved in togheter. unfortunately the happipness was short, I got kicked out as it turned out the apartment was under the table. In the time we spend apart, he got a new job (i had an interview at the same company, but turned it down when I heard he had applied as well). He was lucky to get a company apartment and again, he dumped me, but somehow I convinced him that we should give it a last go. Now anyone would porbably wonder why I would even try after being dumped twice. I just love him too much, I felt I met my sould mate or my better part. We felt perfect for each other. I have been in several long relationships and never felt the same before.

So we in the end we move in togheter, I felt that I was nervous all the time that he would ask me to leave. He acted wierd, not as the same person, kept his distance, but sometime he could be sweet and we would have a good time. Then he lashed out at me during this summer when we where togheter with friends for holiday (I can still not figure out why, tho I think it was becasue he had been smoking cigs before but didn't during vacation). I found out as well during summer that he started smoking 3 month before but kept it hidden from me. I knew he smelled of smoke but I also knew that his collegues are heavy smokers. And during a confrontation when i felt his breath, he said it didn't concern me and he was free to live his own life and that he don't give a **** about what I think. He became more and more unfriendly and distant, he started smoke even at home. He stopped hugging and saying good morning or good night. I had to ask for a hug or a cuddle.

Despite the bad times, we had some good ones as well. Yesterday he told me that he haven't loved me at all for a couple of months and is unhappy with us. I didn't say anything and he just left, didn't even look at me. So I started packing my things and quickly moved back to my parents today. I did't say anything, I left him a note only. I feel lost and hurt. I still love him, or maybe i still love the guy I met and hoped (and still are) that he will come back. I feel like my sould has been ripped apart and I have so much anxiety and panic that I don't know what to do with myself

I'm sorry for the really really really long post
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Old 18th October 2017, 9:30 AM   #2
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Break ups leave everybody feeling raw, especially the dumpee. Moving is also very stressful. The combo has left you uncertain about a lot because there is too much change.

You loving him is not the issue. He said he lost feelings & if this is your 3rd break up let it be the final one because the break up make up pattern shows there were serious flaws in the relationship before this finally break up.

Get yourself settled. That will keep you busy. The new place is a fresh start. Do lick your wounds & grieve the loss but don't go back. Find your own way forward to a new better relationship.

Hang in there. The Holidays will be tough. But with some supportive friends & LS you will get through it.
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Old 18th October 2017, 1:49 PM   #3
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d0nnivain - Thanks for the response, I really appreciate it! I know you are right, it hurts to read and hear it. I knew it was comming and I also know this is the last time, he won't contact me again, which is also why it hurts even more. Knowing that a person you still love and spend 3 years with stopped caring somewhere along the way.

I'm just trying to get by the first day, it feels almost like an enternity has past and it feels like i'm just crying. I'm thinking about him, wondering why it went wrong and when, I know it's useless thinking but the thoughts just won't stop. All the good memories and moments we had that will never come again. I feel phsyically ill and have a hard time breathing. I don't even know how I will cope with work or the upcomming weekend or how anyone who feel like this can manage to get by the hours and days.
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Old 19th October 2017, 11:16 AM   #4
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Day 2

This is day two and it feels like a whole enternity has passed. I have anxiety and feel physically ill. I though it would be a good idea to just write down my emotions like a diary when I feel like it's really hopeless. I have seen mulitple threads here at LS about other poeple doing similar and it seems to help both themselves and others.

It's been 5 hours on day 2 since I woke up. It's 17 o clock, the sun is setting and it's getting dark. I woke up already at six this morning, slept very poorly and every time I shut my eyes my brain played scenarios about good times with my ex and times that will never come. I had been up until 3 in the morning, chatting with friends on skype and playing some games to keep myself distracted. It was awful in the beginning as I kept thinking about him, we used to play games togheter, we are both gamers. My friends had work to attend to in the morning but they kept on going to make sure I would be so exhausted that I would fall asleep. (if anyones interested I'm 27 and my ex 26 we both work in the games industry)

It feels great that I have friends like them. I think I would have been anxiously running around in my room otherwise and having panic attacks.

I couldn't manage to getup until 12 today, I felt ill and couldn't manage to eat more than a avocado. As I felt like crying, I soothed myself by reading other posts here at LS for like 2 hours.

I decided that I need to accomplish something today or I will be even more depressed and sad. So I thought I would hit the gym. I have been neglecting my training for a while now since I had mulitple colds but also I just didn't feel like it for a couple of months, probably also due to the fact that my ex stopped gyming as well. Me and my ex spend every lunch on the gym togheter, when we lived aboard. Going to the gym reminded me of those times and how happy we were togheter. I felt how I would tear up multiple times when I was doing my work out routine. I managed to complete almost all excersies except from two of them.

After the gym I went home and I felt the anxiousness spring up again and questions like: What is my ex up to? did he go to work? is he sad? does he feel regret? is he thinking about me? does he feel like he made a mistake? did he read the note I left him when I moved? What was his thoughts? Did he go back home already or has he not seen I moved out yet? Not knowing drives me crazy as well.

I'm sitting here, hoping that in a month or two that he will realise that he made a misstake and want me back. I can't stop wishing or imagine that he soon will call and that everything will go back to how it used to be before everything went down. I already know that he stopped loving and caring for me a while ago, it's just my heart is still in denial.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 6:05 AM   #5
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Panic attacks and anxiety

This is day 5.

I have been in a lot of denial. I blocked my ex on my phone, though I couldn't on fb as he still hadn't changed our relationship status. It gave me false comfort, one I knew was gonna hit me hard if he removed our status, i just couldn't make myself remove it as it felt like I would cut the last ties and last hope I had for him to change his mind.

I woke up this morning (very late as I struggle to get out from bed everyday) to see that he had removed me and is now single. He didn't remove it and hide is status, just plain out single. I didn't even get a notification on fb, I read the FAQ and it said that the other person in the realationship would know atleats even tho not everyone else would see it in their newsfeeds. I feel devastated and I have so much anxiety now and panic that i don't even know what to do with myself. It feels like every string is now gone, it feels like a meant so little to him.

I have stayed NC for the past 5 days, but I couldn't stop looking at fb, which is my own fault. He didn't unfriend me, should I unfriend him?

Last edited by Darkchan; 22nd October 2017 at 6:43 AM..
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Old 22nd October 2017, 7:16 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by Darkchan View Post
This is day 5.

I have been in a lot of denial. I blocked my ex on my phone, though I couldn't on fb as he still hadn't changed our relationship status. It gave me false comfort, one I knew was gonna hit me hard if he removed our status, i just couldn't make myself remove it as it felt like I would cut the last ties and last hope I had for him to change his mind.

I woke up this morning (very late as I struggle to get out from bed everyday) to see that he had removed me and is now single. He didn't remove it and hide is status, just plain out single. I didn't even get a notification on fb, I read the FAQ and it said that the other person in the realationship would know atleats even tho not everyone else would see it in their newsfeeds. I feel devastated and I have so much anxiety now and panic that i don't even know what to do with myself. It feels like every string is now gone, it feels like a meant so little to him.

I have stayed NC for the past 5 days, but I couldn't stop looking at fb, which is my own fault. He didn't unfriend me, should I unfriend him?
Cut all contact, remove from all social media, DO NOT LOOK YOU WILL GET HURT, throw away all pictures and anything material that will remind you of him. Clean your room/house, join the gym, keep busy. Phone friends and ask them to to out, for a coffee, walk, anything just get out of the house with your friends. Look to the future and bettering yourself, do not put yourself through this pain again.

Like you i have recently (a couple of days ago) split up with my girlfriend. I love her so deeply but we simply arenít right for each other, itís just life.

As I type this I am missing her dearly and would love to have her round to watch movies all day and cuddle. Is it going to happen? NOPE! So what am I going to do? GO FOR A RUN!

Good luck, cut all contact and you will eventually feel better.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 8:27 AM   #7
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Hey OP,

You seemed like you were a loyal and caring girlfriend and this guy left you at your worst. He doesn't seem like a soulmate to me because of that. His behaviour changed because he wanted out of this but stayed with you later on for the wrong reasons and eventually started to feel constrained and suffocated.

I've been with people who were no longer feeling anything for me as well who've stayed and they've also become angry and distant like he did. When you start hearing them talk about "Freedom and Space"..that's the tell-tale sign, they feel suffocated and want out. As soon as you hear that, you give it to them and walk away. Don't chase, don't beg, don't convince..just walk. You don't want to keep people like that in your life OP. No matter who they were long time ago. It's about who they are now. You deserve to be loved by someone who can be genuinely good to you not only during the good times..but the bad times too. That's what counts.

Too many relationships in this day and age fail because people don't have the strength of character to love through a situation like yours. Losing jobs, acquiring illness. Their poorly crafted feelings disintegrate when they have to face adversity. They want immediatate gratification and good times only.

In any case, do what the others said and go strict no contact. You need to surround yourself with good, healthy people for you. Family, friends. This guy is no longer good for you. He is causing you pain and anxiety. There is nothing you can say or do to bring him back because he wants out.

I was replying to someone else on another thread about the healing process and I think you may find it useful.

With regards to anger and healing

The anger comes later. Right now you're shocked and in overwhelming pain and will continue to be for weeks until your mind shuts your heart down and takes over to protect you from losing your sanity. Forgiveness and compassion are hard in the beginning because of the overwhelming hurt so your mind uses the next best thing to get the job done..anger. It'll also feed you extremely small quantifiable doses of reality/truth every few days which will hurt but will be maneagable enough to process and the anger will then numb you out. You will repeat this cycle 1000's of times over. Time will pass; perhaps a year or more. Each time you complete a cycle, you will understand a fraction more, heal a fraction more , return to yourself a fraction more. You won't notice it several months but it'll be happening. It'll be like placing one piece at a time onto a big complicated unsolve puzzle and each piece will bring a clearer idea of what the picture is. After a long while..you'll see it, understand it, and will be strong enough to accept it and that's when you'll be strong enough to forgive and move on.

It's not going to happen overnight or in a month or a few months even. Do not give it a time limit. It'll happen when it happens but the good news is, it will happen. You just have to make sure you keep rolling forward in life.


Hope this helps.

Goodluck

Last edited by Beachead; 22nd October 2017 at 8:29 AM..
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Old 22nd October 2017, 1:14 PM   #8
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Cut all contact, remove from all social media, DO NOT LOOK YOU WILL GET HURT, throw away all pictures and anything material that will remind you of him. Clean your room/house, join the gym, keep busy. Phone friends and ask them to to out, for a coffee, walk, anything just get out of the house with your friends. Look to the future and bettering yourself, do not put yourself through this pain again.

Like you i have recently (a couple of days ago) split up with my girlfriend. I love her so deeply but we simply arenít right for each other, itís just life.

As I type this I am missing her dearly and would love to have her round to watch movies all day and cuddle. Is it going to happen? NOPE! So what am I going to do? GO FOR A RUN!

Good luck, cut all contact and you will eventually feel better.
Thank you for replying! I'm sorry to hear that you didn't fit each other and is perhaps going through a similar rollercoaster of emotions.

I'm trying to do activities, kept myself busy as much as I can, I find myself tearing up and crying even though I meet friends or go to the gym. Today also feels like the worst day, I'm guessing it is becasue it feels like it is totally over and no turning back at this point. Especilly when I unfriend (haven't yet my I understand this is what I must do) him and also especially seeing as he removed our relationship status. I feel even more sad now since it feels like he is already over me, which ofc he is otherwise he wouldn't have acted the way he did.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachead View Post
I've been with people who were no longer feeling anything for me as well who've stayed and they've also become angry and distant like he did. When you start hearing them talk about "Freedom and Space"..that's the tell-tale sign, they feel suffocated and want out. As soon as you hear that, you give it to them and walk away. Don't chase, don't beg, don't convince..just walk. You don't want to keep people like that in your life OP. No matter who they were long time ago. It's about who they are now. You deserve to be loved by someone who can be genuinely good to you not only during the good times..but the bad times too. That's what counts.

Too many relationships in this day and age fail because people don't have the strength of character to love through a situation like yours. Losing jobs, acquiring illness. Their poorly crafted feelings disintegrate when they have to face adversity. They want immediatate gratification and good times only.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachead View Post
With regards to anger and healing

The anger comes later. Right now you're shocked and in overwhelming pain and will continue to be for weeks until your mind shuts your heart down and takes over to protect you from losing your sanity. Forgiveness and compassion are hard in the beginning because of the overwhelming hurt so your mind uses the next best thing to get the job done..anger. It'll also feed you extremely small quantifiable doses of reality/truth every few days which will hurt but will be maneagable enough to process and the anger will then numb you out. You will repeat this cycle 1000's of times over. Time will pass; perhaps a year or more. Each time you complete a cycle, you will understand a fraction more, heal a fraction more , return to yourself a fraction more. You won't notice it several months but it'll be happening. It'll be like placing one piece at a time onto a big complicated unsolve puzzle and each piece will bring a clearer idea of what the picture is. After a long while..you'll see it, understand it, and will be strong enough to accept it and that's when you'll be strong enough to forgive and move on.

It's not going to happen overnight or in a month or a few months even. Do not give it a time limit. It'll happen when it happens but the good news is, it will happen. You just have to make sure you keep rolling forward in life.


Hope this helps.

Goodluck
Thank you for replying! I read it through several times. I feel you made me realise a lot of things and you are right. I should not want him in my life, I'm stuck in the past. Thinking back on how good it was and what amazing stuff we did togheter. This past year since the first break up hasn't been good. It had its moments that was really good and he had his moments were he was really sweet even just a few days ago.

His last word also goes around in my head, "i'm afarid of loosing you", it was the last thing he said after he broke up and just went out from the apartment and I didn't see him again. I'm not even sure what he meant, and when he broke up he said he lost feeling a few months back. Especially don't understand it since he broke up with me and few days later removes the relationship status.

I have a hard time recalling memories right now about all the bad things that have been during the year. I know I sat during evenings the past few weeks, almost hated him for reeking of smoke and how selfish he was. I was angry, but I didn't say anything as I though he would snap out of it once he felt less stressed. I did tell him off once only. But now I'm just sad and in denial.

I know this, but I can't convince myself. I can't eat nor sleep and I feel anxious all the time. I'm trying to look ahead, but moments after I'm down again, missing him and sobbing.

And as you wrote it won't happen over night, not in a month and perhaps not even in a couple of month. But being on day 5 and struggle like makes me feel like it will never end.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 2:20 PM   #9
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Darkchan why have you not unfriended him yet? Remove and block on all social media NOW!
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Old 22nd October 2017, 10:23 PM   #10
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I know what you mean when you can't stop thinking about the words. It's like "How could they say something like this and do something like that?"

If it doesn't add up, they didn't know what they were feeling or they flat out lied. That's how it happened. People don't leave you in shambles or have you pulling hair out trying to figure them out if they love you. You wouldn't be confused by them. You wouldn't feel off. They'd make sure they won't risk losing you. Atleast that's the way I see it.

Last edited by Beachead; 22nd October 2017 at 11:01 PM..
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Old 22nd October 2017, 11:10 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by Darkchan View Post
I'm feeling really sad and hurt. I'm not sure if I can keep my self sane the comming weeks and months.
I will try to keep it short.

I have just moved out from my ex-boyfriends apartment. He broke up with me yesterday, well in fact he broke up twice before already, first time a year ago during the same time of the year and then again just before summer. First time we had just moved back from abroad. To give some context, we meet 3 years ago (in a month) aborad at the company we both worked for, he started a year earlier. We are both from the same city and same country, but just happen to meet in Amsterdam. We moved in togheter and everything was really good. A year later, I got sick, I had hit the wall. We both did an immense over time several hours a day for half a year. I got physically sick so I had to be hosptialised and had to quit work. My ex contract was also comming to an end, so we decided to move back to our home country. He strated to struggle and feel depressed, he was like a complete different person and we had just moved back home for a month. He dumped me out of the blue and said he couldn't anymore, that he wasn't happy and I was to blame. I was devasted, I had panic attacks, I felt ill. It felt like a part of me died.
I got myself a short-term apartment and after a month we had contact again and we moved in togheter. unfortunately the happipness was short, I got kicked out as it turned out the apartment was under the table. In the time we spend apart, he got a new job (i had an interview at the same company, but turned it down when I heard he had applied as well). He was lucky to get a company apartment and again, he dumped me, but somehow I convinced him that we should give it a last go. Now anyone would porbably wonder why I would even try after being dumped twice. I just love him too much, I felt I met my sould mate or my better part. We felt perfect for each other. I have been in several long relationships and never felt the same before.

So we in the end we move in togheter, I felt that I was nervous all the time that he would ask me to leave. He acted wierd, not as the same person, kept his distance, but sometime he could be sweet and we would have a good time. Then he lashed out at me during this summer when we where togheter with friends for holiday (I can still not figure out why, tho I think it was becasue he had been smoking cigs before but didn't during vacation). I found out as well during summer that he started smoking 3 month before but kept it hidden from me. I knew he smelled of smoke but I also knew that his collegues are heavy smokers. And during a confrontation when i felt his breath, he said it didn't concern me and he was free to live his own life and that he don't give a **** about what I think. He became more and more unfriendly and distant, he started smoke even at home. He stopped hugging and saying good morning or good night. I had to ask for a hug or a cuddle.

Despite the bad times, we had some good ones as well. Yesterday he told me that he haven't loved me at all for a couple of months and is unhappy with us. I didn't say anything and he just left, didn't even look at me. So I started packing my things and quickly moved back to my parents today. I did't say anything, I left him a note only. I feel lost and hurt. I still love him, or maybe i still love the guy I met and hoped (and still are) that he will come back. I feel like my sould has been ripped apart and I have so much anxiety and panic that I don't know what to do with myself

I'm sorry for the really really really long post
I'm pretty sorry for what happened. That's pretty hard to deal with. All i can say is you have to accept he's gone. The guy that you see now is no longer the guy you fell in love with. People change. Sometimes people get into relationships because they're trying to fill a void in their lives such as unhappiness. He might have gotten with you because he thought he wanted a relationship but realized that's not what he needed. He might be smoking to deal with certain issues.

Regardless, it ended for the best. It's not fair to keep him in a relationship if he's suffering inside. He needs to find a way to happiness. It's difficult to let him go but do it for his sake if not your own. If he wants to be with you, he'll come back. In the meantime, grieve and look forward to a better future.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 11:36 PM   #12
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FB block like others have said, one day you will look at something that will regress your healing.

NC and block everywhere, take control as much as you can.

Breaking up sucks especially when you are the dumpee. I'm a month and a half in with someone I loved but found out by looking at FB lol that the dumped me for another guy.

Burn bridges if you have to, you can't be waiting for contact or leaving yourself open to FB/Social Media with him.

Cut the cord. I am sorry you are going through this, it ****ing sucks! It gets better, the breakup, the move etc. It's a lot to handle.

LOL I got dumped suddenly and it was so devastating I went and made some rash decisions. Like you I will be moving, to a strange city where I know nobody and have no support...I have a job and I'm scared and anxious.

Take care of yourself, heal so you can once again enjoy the journey of life.
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Old 24th October 2017, 5:40 PM   #13
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7 days of NC, I'm finally being able to eat soup and sallad

It's been 7 days today since he broke it off and also since I moved out without telling him. I have kept 7 days of NC I have even made myself not log into facebook for two days now, not becasue I would feel like I would contact him, but it felt like a good thing to take a break from social media in general. I saw that there is a new function in fb that is called "take a break" meaning you don't have to see him active on facebook nor his posts or anything related to the person. Anyone else that seen this function or tried it? Aparently they made this so you don't have to unfriend your ex, as they saw that this was an issue for many people.

I try to keep myself busy, I have been to work twice now, Monday and Tuesday. Which I must say is a real struggle. I go to bed late as I get anxiety attacks, so rather go to sleep when I'm so tierd I can't keep my eyes open. So all in all I sleep around 3 hours a day. I'm also hunted by nightmares that constantly wakes me up sweating, ofc all of them contains him or his name.
So at work I find myself not knowing what I'm doing or I'm lost in thoughts and suddenly realise I'm just scrolling through folders on the computer not knowing if I was searching for somehting or if my hands just acts on it's own.

I have started eating a little. (Yay!) Most is in liquid format, like banana mixed with soy milk or soup. I even managed to eat some sallad today. It takes sometime to eat since I feel ill, but after around 45 min to an hour I have managed to eat half of the plate. It feels like I'm making progress in eating, really small progress but it's something. I can't relate to chick-flick movies where the girl gets dumped and eat tons and tons of sugar/ice cream etc. I have the complete opposite issue, can't eat instead. Also I wouldn't be able to stuff my face with sugar, pizza or burgers (I love eating candy otherwise) as it would make me feel even more depressed and then probably also feel fat, even if it would just be one pastry.

Quote:
Breaking up sucks especially when you are the dumpee. I'm a month and a half in with someone I loved but found out by looking at FB lol that the dumped me for another guy.
I'm really sorry to hear that Trust666. I undertsand that must really really hurt. I hope you feel like your rash decision was a good decision in the end. I'm living at my parents currently, I'm also thikning about doing something rash like moving abroad again. We were suppose to move aborad togheter as soon as he felt finished with his current project in like 2 years time, which is not happening anymore. So there is not anything keeping me here at the moment than a job that I don't really enjoy.

Quote:
I'm pretty sorry for what happened. That's pretty hard to deal with. All i can say is you have to accept he's gone. The guy that you see now is no longer the guy you fell in love with. People change. Sometimes people get into relationships because they're trying to fill a void in their lives such as unhappiness. He might have gotten with you because he thought he wanted a relationship but realized that's not what he needed. He might be smoking to deal with certain issues.
I though about what you wrote Andrew9 and you might be right. Perhaps he was filling a void, at least during the last couple of months. I don't want to belive it was like that when we first met atleast, but he did change and might be that's the way he thought.

Quote:
If it doesn't add up, they didn't know what they were feeling or they flat out lied. That's how it happened. People don't leave you in shambles or have you pulling hair out trying to figure them out if they love you. You wouldn't be confused by them. You wouldn't feel off. They'd make sure they won't risk losing you. Atleast that's the way I see it.
I agree with you BeachHead, which makes me feel confused by his words but his acts are the total opposite. So he either lied or he just said that in the spur of the moment.
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Old 24th October 2017, 8:43 PM   #14
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I would suggest deactivating social media (FB, instagram, whatever you have that may lead you to him) altogether. I deleted my FB in 2015 and have felt so free (this is also after a - minor - heartbreak, nothing like yours, but of course to me at the time it felt like a big deal). Like you, I ate very little and my weight was at an all-time low (usually BMI ~ 19, dropped to 17 then). I have no desire to go back. If you must communicate with friends/family via FB, make another FB account for FB messenger only (I believe you must sign up on your phone on the FB Messenger app). That way you don't see or look for his updates. And at first you may be tempted to reactivate and look, but with time it will fade. Best wishes, break up sucks, but know that you will recover and meet someone else who loves you.
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Old 27th October 2017, 10:11 AM   #15
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Day 10

This is day 10
I decided to only work half time for a while, I have a upcomming lecture at another company. It's a lecture for my specialist area and I was super happy 2 month back to get the opportunity. It's a big career boost as they invite all companies around in the city. I haven't been able to work on it now for two weeks and it needs to be done. So I'm having today off and next week 2 days as well. So far today I haven't really managed to do any work, it's hard to concentrate and I feel like I'm having a roller coaster of emotions going back and forth. It's already 16.20.

The lecture was announced on social media and it even reached outside my country (which ofc is super exciting news!) I even got a mail yesterday across the atlantic ocean, requesting an interview for a popular online magazine. (Sorry I'm not trying to brag here, I hope no one interpret it that way)

So all in all a massive career boost! BUT I here's the thing, I can't feel happy. I just can't. I'm trying but I just feel so sad and abonded by my ex that I can't be happy about my own success. I want to tell him all the good news. He had a similar career boost during Winter/spring, which is when he also started to act up and be even more strange.

I don't feel like I deserve this attention seeing how sad I am, it almost make me feel like I'm ungrateful, which I'm truly not. I just can't feel excitment or happiness. I know I would be jumping up and down now of excitment, probably screaming "YES!", if everything would have been fine. Which makes me feel more sad that I can't make myself feel that. Is it normal to feel like this even with all the good news? Am I allowed to have success even though I'm feeling so sad and not happy about it? How should I get myself motivated enough to work? It feels like I already should have all the motivation I need
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