He left me while I was at work after 7 and a half years...[UPDATED]

[LostInNC]

Hello everyone. Another lost and hurt person joining the group. I don't know what I am looking for but maybe the community can help me have some understanding so here goes...

 

My boyfriend and I were together for 7 and a half years and lived together for the last 5 and a half. I wouldn't say we were perfect but I thought we were happy. If I had to bet my life on one person being there forever I thought it would have been him. His was my best friend and I felt he just got me and would have my side forever.

 

Our issues: his job had to him work every week except one a month and he had been doing this for the last 3 and a half years. I started to really dislike his job. Spending every weekend alone until he got home at 7 really began to wear on me. Plain and simple. I missed him and doing things with him. I even suggested he quit his job and I could support us until he found something. He didn't even have to find better just closer, his commute was an hour each way and gas was running him $400 a month, he is in a unskilled profession so he could find something else that did not require a skill set. But there was always an excuse or reason. He even hated it but he never ever wanted to put forth effort to make this change for us.

 

Another issue: I was always happy with the little things he did like fix me coffee, help me with the pets, help me with the house repairs and such because I knew he couldn't do big things that cost more money. I would even point that out to him. His idea of eating out was going to get a hamburger or Waffle House not Olive Garden or something like that.

 

So fast forward to this week. He had been acting very weird and distant these past few months but when I ask what is wrong it was always nothing. he never would open up and share what was wrong. It was like a guessing game and piecing together the puzzle. So this week he was out of work for 2 days because of a toothache. So I didn't hear from him Thursday which is odd because he calls a couple times when he is off so I figured he may have gone to work because he was not answering his cell phone. I called his work and they said he had quit is job a few days ago.

 

So I rush home in the middle of the day just knowing what he was doing and sure enough he had packed up his belonging, the garage and hauled himself back to his family in Minesotta.

 

The few days before he left was his weekend off and we went to a festival, had dinner, held hands and had what I thought was a great time. We had pizza rented movies, laughed about the movie, went to my daughters work and then did a little shopping and went to eat a hamburger and talked about what we were doing on Halloween.

 

But he left without a warning, notice, no hey if this doesn't change I will leave, this is driving me crazy stop, a warning shot was never fired, no talks, no anger, no yelling no nothing. Just gone.

 

A few people have come forward and have said a few things he has told them and many are bold face lies and some are twisted truths and a few I am wondering if he felt like this why did he not ever say anything thing. Why would someone who loves you and cares for you just walk away without ever once have a conversation about the relationship.

 

I guess I am dazed and confused but I know I will never hear from him again. I have seen him drop people from his life and never look back. I have tried to get him to mend fences with some but when he is done he is done.

 

I don't understand how someone can be so cruel. This is heartless and if I slept next to someone for 7 and a half years I would feel they would out of respect at least deserve a reason.

 

What do I do? How do I move on? How do I make closure for myself?

Thank you

~~LostInNC

[stemac]

Hello lostinc

 

That's was a big sign "him dropping people at the drop of a hat"

I really don't think people like this have feeling and I feel

So sorry for you, you did not deserved to be treated like

That and if he can cowedly leave you in that Way he's worth nothing, when you meet someone new one-day

And you will look for sign how they treat people because

That's how they will treat you.

 

Happened to me 4 weeks ago will not happen again

 

Stay strong

[S2B]

Closure comes from you. When you look at your evidence then you may understand that he did you a favor.

 

 

Now you have a chance to find a healthy man.

 

One who can earn a decent living.

Work a schedule that's compatible to your needs.

A man who communicates openly and honestly with you.

An equal partner who adds beauty to the relationship.

A partner who sits down to discuss things with you instead of running away and hiding.

 

I hope you will learn that his way of non communication isn't healthy for ANY relationship. He's passive aggressive, acts out behind your back and makes big decisions without your input and telling you his truth. You may be used to that but it will never make any relationship work.

 

 

Seek counseling so that you don't end up choosing the same type of man again in your future. It's familiar to you - but that doesn't mean it's a healthy choice for a relationship.

 

See what you can do to grow and learn from this experience. That will help you.

[mightycpa]

So I rush home in the middle of the day just knowing what he was doing and sure enough...

It sounds like while you were surprised, you could have predicted this about him. What would make you choose to stay with someone like that for so long? It sounds like you had a big hand in building your current misery.

 

Why would someone who loves you and cares for you just walk away without ever once have a conversation about the relationship.

Someone who loves you and cares for you wouldn't.

[minimariah]

Why would someone who loves you and cares for you just walk away without ever once have a conversation about the relationship.

 

because he's a coward & probably had someone else on the side.

 

that's the most childish way -- to leave someone without a word. it really doesn't get more low than that.

 

you move on with strict NC, block him EVERYWHERE & don't speak to him ever again. get some therapy, occupy yourself with people you love and things you like -- and next time, LEAVE if your boyfriend keeps replying "nothing" to your questions about his obvious withdrawal.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you said you just knew what he was doing the day you found out he left - how did you know this? I ask because you say there were no warning signs yet somehow you had a hunch that you knew what he was up to. How did you know to expect he was leaving?

 

In any event, I'm very sorry for what has happened to you. You definitely don't deserve to be treated with such little respect.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

Holy God, that is INSANE! First of all, I'm so sorry to hear all this. But here's how I look at it. If I was you, I would first start off by assuming, that he's gone forever. Not because you won't hear from him again, but because anybody who would dishonor the last 7 years like that, doesn't deserve to come back. Next thing I would do, is get the **** out of that place you're living in, cause it will remind you of him. After that, I don't know what to tell you... Cause I'm going through my own similar ****, that happened a month and a half ago, and it still hurts. But here's what's helping me a little... So I find myself thinking of her quite a bit, and she's still a FB friend (which needs to change). But I look at the clock, and I say to myself... Okay, for the next hour, I will NOT think about her. And then, I watch a movie, or work on a project. By the time I look at the clock again, it's been 2 hours. So, again, works for me, may not for you. But it's worth a shot!

[LostInNC]

Thank you everyone for the kind replies. Honestly it was the first thing I thought of when his job said he quit. I never thought that before but in the moment it was like a million light bulbs went off of super small things I had not noticed.

 

I didn't chose to be with someone who has this history because like many people i thought "he would never do that to me" or the classic "I am different" I was with him because simply I love him.

 

Closure does come from within but as I sit here and feel lost without my friend I still can not grasp the conscious decision of someone to do this.

 

Maybe if I done something...anything...paid more attention...not been so open with him about everything.....just accepted his job....shut my mouth and not have discussed my feelings with him....and not have thought anyone will be here forever.

[LostInNC]

Holy God, that is INSANE! First of all, I'm so sorry to hear all this. But here's how I look at it. If I was you, I would first start off by assuming, that he's gone forever. Not because you won't hear from him again, but because anybody who would dishonor the last 7 years like that, doesn't deserve to come back. Next thing I would do, is get the **** out of that place you're living in, cause it will remind you of him. After that, I don't know what to tell you... Cause I'm going through my own similar ****, that happened a month and a half ago, and it still hurts. But here's what's helping me a little... So I find myself thinking of her quite a bit, and she's still a FB friend (which needs to change). But I look at the clock, and I say to myself... Okay, for the next hour, I will NOT think about her. And then, I watch a movie, or work on a project. By the time I look at the clock again, it's been 2 hours. So, again, works for me, may not for you. But it's worth a shot!

 

Hi! I am sorry this is happening to you also. I like that word "dishonor". That is an excellent way to put what he did. I can't leave the place it is my house which I bought when we were not together. Now he did block me on facebook even before I got home that day and I sent 3 text messages that day asking hi to talk to me but I have not sent anything since. I tired calling one but it went straight to voice mail so I maybe blocked from his phone. Those are clear signs to me he isn't coming back.

 

I like taking each hour at a time. I will have to aim for that goal of 1 hour a time.

 

Thank you for sharing and I do hope you heal soon.

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you spoken to him at all since he left? Did he communicate any reason at all to you?

 

You said he was acting weird and distant the last few months. Can you elaborate on that? Examples?

 

You must be so hurt and confused, but do not blame yourself. It sounds like there was a lot more going on beneath the surface with this guy and he chose not to tell you.

[LostInNC]

Have you spoken to him at all since he left? Did he communicate any reason at all to you?

 

You said he was acting weird and distant the last few months. Can you elaborate on that? Examples?

 

You must be so hurt and confused, but do not blame yourself. It sounds like there was a lot more going on beneath the surface with this guy and he chose not to tell you.

 

 

Hello ExpatInItaly,

 

No I haven't spoken to him since he left and no he never communicated any reason before he left. The day before he left he took my daughter out to lunch they watched television, he fixed the brakes on her car and I picked up pizza and rented a movie and we sat around laughing about the show and he made me really good coffee.

 

I mean really super small things like he always would hold my hand while he drove and or rubbed my hand and that became less and less. I would talk about certain things and he would not be as happy or optimistic as usual. And that is only within say the last month or two.

 

But on the other hand the day he left he was getting up to go warm up my car because he thought I would be cold but I told him I would be fine to go back to sleep because of his tooth. He kissed me goodbye and said he loved me.

 

I do know one thing which I hadn't thought about until now. He was on long term medication for PTSD and going to counseling every few months at the VA. Basically he was on happy pills is what he would joke about. About 10 months or so ago he quit the pills and counseling and told me he was told he no longer needed them. I don't want to blame this on that but I wonder if there is a connection?

 

Just a note: I say my daughter because she is but while he was here she was so comfortable and thought like I did he would be here she would introduce us as her parents and he was he dad to everyone he met. Which is difficult for her because she is not a super trusting person. She is 22.

 

Maybe I am this not so nice person he told everyone I was....maybe the things I thought were great and good like good cups of coffee and just riding around looking at the scenery were not that great. I don't know. I am really confused and still trying to figure out what he didn't give me a chance to correct anything that may have been wrong.

 

Thank you Expat for talking to me it feels nice to have someone to bounce things off that is not friends or family.

[LostInNC]

I am sorry I just realized something I wrote in my beginning post he worked every WEEKEND but one not every week but one. Sorry that sounded so lame like he only worked 3 weeks a month. We actually had 2 full days a month to spend together.

[KatZee]

So he's a combat vet with PTSD, and was on pills to help, and then stopped taking them? Was he in any other sort of therapy?

 

Now his behavior makes sense. Closed off, cold, non-communicative, and now gone without a trace. Was he triggered in someway? Obviously being with him for 7.5 years you have noticed how PTSD affects people, and people can pull away and go into isolation for days, weeks, months, indefinitely, completely out of no where and with no care for their partner.

[LostInNC]

So he's a combat vet with PTSD, and was on pills to help, and then stopped taking them? Was he in any other sort of therapy?

 

Now his behavior makes sense. Closed off, cold, non-communicative, and now gone without a trace. Was he triggered in someway? Obviously being with him for 7.5 years you have noticed how PTSD affects people, and people can pull away and go into isolation for days, weeks, months, indefinitely, completely out of no where and with no care for their partner.

 

Hi KatZee,

 

I have been racking my brain to try and think of times he has been withdrawn and i can remember one where he went off medication and we could tell a difference and he went back on them. But nothing like this because he was always taking his medication. Maybe I missed it this time because my work environment has become super stressful and the office is in flux and problems trying to help my daughter work out her anxiety and depression.

 

I just missed everything.

[LostInNC]

Well he has been gone since Thursday and I have cried so much my eyes hurt. How can someone's eyes hurt? I have cleaned out left behind items, deleted phone numbers and pictures on my phone and sent my last text on Friday morning. So I cried and pouted all weekend and laid in the bed almost the whole weekend and now I am back to work today and have purchased a gym pass so I will be heading to a gym to help make me feel a little btter. If it doesn't make me feel better at least I can watch TV while I walk on the treadmill because he took the TV.

 

I love him and miss him terribly but I know deep in my soul that I will never hear from him again. He has moved 1200 miles away while I was at work so that is pretty much a sure sign he will never be back. So I don't have the hope in my heart to bother me. The urge to contact him has passed because I want to have some dignity.

 

But it really really hurts.

[LostInNC]

Good Morning LoveShack Community,

 

I am going into my 5th full day of no contact and no other half. I did not cry as much yesterday. A little in the morning and a little in the evening but nothing like this weekend. It was raining and raining and I remember sitting there thinking let the heavens cry for me a little I am tired. Hokey huh I know! But I was being melodramatic at the moment.

 

I came home from work and did a little grocery shopping, although I haven't been eating much, but I bought some fruits and veggies and something really bad for you.....squeeze cheese. Small smiles are what is going to help me get through this. So I spent a few minutes playing with the squeeze cheese and crackers trying new items on them.

 

I cleaned house and tried not to think about 7 pm coming, which is what time he normally came home from work. I made it through 7 and watched some happy kids cartoon on netflix for about an hour. I did not want anything too adult with world problems.

 

My daughter came home and she brought me flowers, some new winter pajamas and a huge 3 pound bag of gummies and a box of rocher chocolate. She is so sweet. Now that made me cry.

 

We chatted and talked and we both finally went to bed. I wore my new pajamas and did something I never do......I got on my knees and prayed. I normally don't pray but I wanted to talk. And when I was done I went to sleep and I actually slept through the whole night. I did not wake up once. I think the exhaustion had finally gotten to me or the prayer had helped. I am not sure but it felt good to sleep.

 

So today I got up on time and before I did anything I felt again like praying just to help me through my day. And so here I am another day still missing him and loving him and loving him and missing him. And still trying to figure out what went wrong. It is crazy insane when i think about being heartbroken when I would have never thought he would leave ever and we would be horribly wrinkled and old together.

[sandylee1]

I just can't imagine how devastating this was for you ....... how shocking it all must be.

 

I had something similar happen to me years ago. ...but we weren't living together. We were in a relationship for a year and a half.....he just vanished from my life...... he moved house...no cell phones back then..... I had no way of contacting him........he resurfaced once after that, but I wasn't home when he came ......... my roommate said he seemed at odds with himself. I was so upset that I wasn't in. Then he came again and I was in this time.

It was strange...... I won't go into everything here .....but PM me if you want to know.

 

It's so hard because you don't know what to tell people. I'd say we're not together any more and friends would ask what happened. I couldn't bring myself to tell them..... I didn't It know what to say. It ended without an ending. I can say how and when every other relationship of mine ended...but not this one.....it's weird.

 

I would cry in toilets or while waiting for trains on my way home from work. I lay awake at night for so long thinking about what we had together.... I really loved him so much.....but after what he did.... It changed me for a while.....but I was just 22...and was determined he wouldn't ruin my faith in men.

 

Just typing this brings it all back...... I was crushed...but nobody knew.....because I cried alone. I gave him so much of me and he is the one and only person that broke my heart. I never allowed it after that ....I was very cautious about hurt again.

 

For what it's worth, I don't believe it's anything you've done at all......it's something within him that caused this. A combination of his PTSD and probably another mental health condition caused it.

 

To walk out after 7.5 years..... ...just like that...wow...just wow.

'Normal' people just don't do this.

 

You are doing well under the circumstances......

[Leigh 87]

Wow.

 

This is absolutely awful.

 

I am sending prayers your way.

 

You are very brave.

[ManyDissapoint]

Heya. We are very different people. I'm a man and you're a woman with a daughter.

 

But we have one thing in common. We both loved for long periods people who we thought would be different for us. Then, one day, they turned that behavior on us. The gleaming eye of Polyphemus.

 

I'm here to tell you that it gets better. But it does not get all the way better.

 

The questions stop coming, even without having received the answers.

 

Recently a stray dog fell in love with me and decided to adopt me. He ran 40 kilometers through rain, shine, storms in order to find his way back to me. I realized that this dog already loves me more than my ex ever did.

 

I love dogs.

[Seth0194]

First its not your fault, it sounds like he had somethings wrong with him.

 

Second if you have the means go talk to someone, I did this once (I went to one visit) and they helped me so much in an hour of being there.

 

Three Learn how to live again, 7 years is a long haul, I finished a 4 year relationship a little while back and I had to relearn how to live. Do things different, if he made you coffee every morning, find a place to grab some on the way to work, dont eat at the places you all went too. Find a new show on Netflix, pick up a self help book, anything to stay busy. It will get easier, I promise, just a month ago I was wreck and I am better, gym has helped, Ive lost 63 pounds in 4 months. I started dating again. (My point being, you have to grieve and let those feeling out) but you need to keep living.

 

I am sorry you went through this, no one should endure such pain. Prayers be with you and I wish you all the best.

[phalgal]

I am soooo sorry about what happened to you. I wish I could give you a hug!

Your daughter sounds like such a wonderful person, at least you have her as support. And I love all the little things you are doing for yourself. Any small gesture that brings you some happiness at this time is very important. I hope it continues to get better for you. I don't know you but I really wish there was something I could do!

[LostInNC]

Thank you everyone for the wonderful words of encouragement. I really enjoy reading them. So it is day 6 and tomorrow will be one week since he walked out like a ghost. Vanished into thin air.

 

Still going NC because I will not stoop so low as to beg again. I sent my 3 begging texts the day he left and then no more. As JustAnotheLostLove said about dishonor...I will not dishonor myself and resort to begging. He could not respect me and what we had enough to tell me he was leaving then I will respect myself and not contact him.

 

My sister called and said that a person who used to work with my ex came into her husbands garage and was just as stunned about my ex leaving but said my ex had been a little strange at work lately and that people knew to stay away form him when he got like this. And then the man tried to call him on his phone but there is no answer. So I am not sure if his phone even works or if he has changed numbers.

 

So I still wonder what had happened and if I could have changed anything but I don't know and I never will. But I have only shed a few tears this morning and nothing this afternoon or evening. Not feeling good about it but I am cried out.

 

Still loving and missing him but he is gone and I have accepted that because I have no hope to cling to. When he left he took everything thing emotionally and everything that connects us and I have nothing left

Edited November 5, 2015 by LostInNC

[Emma1a]

Hi lostinnc

 

My ex fiancé of 8 years left me out of the blue without a reason almost seven months ago. We lived together for 6 years. He blocked me on everything and told me that he just wanted to find himself yet three months later I saw him and another girl on the street holding hands LOL!

 

He unblocked me after awhile and sent me some msg here and there but I ignored for the most part.

 

Your ex probably 99% has someone else lined up. I learned that now - these cowards don't leave until they have sth on the side to help them fill the void. And yes you are right people are cruel sometimes you cannot control that, what you can do is to eat better sleep better and take good care of yourself! The best revenge is to live better right!

 

And lose the hope that he'll come back, he won't. Even if he does that's probably bc the new girl didn't work out. Do not take him back ever if he comes back! My ex broke up w me once before and came back and now look what happened!

 

Stay strong <3

[LostInNC]

Hi Emma1a,

 

Thank you for sharing! I hope you are doing better also. That must have been awful to see him with another woman on the street. Thank goodness mine has moved 1200 miles away.

 

I hope you are doing much better!

Take care!

Crystal

[itisdanielle]

I wish I could say something magical to instantly make you feel better, but I know there is nothing. I'm going through my first break up and it was 3 years - so a lot shorter than your relationship - so I honestly don't feel qualified enough to advise!

 

But I did want to comment, just to say that I admire how well you are handling this and I know things will get better for you. You don't deserve a man that would up and leave the way he did.