Major red flags? Should I leave her for good?

[fastjack]

Good day guys! I just want to share my story and I need an HONEST opinion about this. I'm really confused and I don't know what to do right now..

 

Anyway, I'm in a relationship with this girl, a few years younger than me for almost three months already. We're both in our twenties. We started out as friends and decided to start dating a few months after we met. It was good at first but then it turned sour.

 

I just want to know if the following are MAJOR RED FLAGS in our relationship and if I should walk away:

 

1.) This happened a few months back. I was supposed to pick her up from a friend's house but I got late. When she got inside the car, she was verbally abusing and cursing me straight up to my face. The night ended with her SLAPPING me a couple of times ( and a punch on my face). So I walked out but I left my phone in her house. The next day, she told me that I left my phone and was really apologetic to what happened the previous night. Because of the incident, she thought we already broke up because I walked out so she went to have lunch with another guy who's really into her. I shrugged the incident because I really love this girl but kept note of what happened.

 

2.) We had an earlier argument so she went drinking with her friends, and eventually got drunk. I picked her up and while inside the car, she was being very annoying. She was trying to open the door while the car was moving and almost had an accident because of that. We stopped on a street and I got out of the car and went on her side to calm her down. I was holding my phone and she thought I was taking a video, she snapped it out of my hands and smashed it on the pavement. I got shocked to what happened and still tried to calm her down. She kicked me really hard and I rolled over the street then she locked the car from inside. It took a while for me to get inside the car. When she woke up the next day, she said she doesn't remember anything..

 

I'm tired of the emotional roller-coaster ride. There are more instances when she can't control her anger and vent it out towards me(verbally abuse, shout etc.) then after that she'll play the victim role, apologize and cry like a baby. I feel like one day i'll just SNAP and might do something unacceptable. I really like this girl but I think it's too much.

 

Your thoughts?

[Reality015]

You said yourself that you are tired of the emotional roller coaster ride. I have just been on a roller coaster myself & had to jump off. I know you're emotionally involved in her however i'd cut my losses & go NC now.

 

The deeper you get involved the harder it will be to move on later on. She should not treat you like that. It's not fair on you.

 

You deserve better.

[badpenny]

Thoughts:

 

Why are you even asking these questions!?

 

One: You are not her therapist or nurse.

She's badly broken and needs fixing, but she needs fixing because she knows she needs fixing, and wants to be fixed, and of course, fixing starts and ends with her. Nobody else can do it for her, particularly when she's unwilling, unable and totally unstable.

 

Two: Physical abuse is absolutely and totally unacceptable and you should never, ever put up with being hit for one nano-second. It is totally and utterly outrageous, intolerable and you really should honestly walk right away from this, because she knows she can hit you. Again, again and again.

And she will continue to do so; it will escalate.

She does it because she has discovered she can, because you permitted it, so that gives her tacit consent.

 

You may have protested but (a) you didn't hit back and (b) you stayed for more.

That, in an abuser's eyes is justification enough to feel they can continue.

 

These are not red flags. At all.

 

These are high-power whacks across the head with a 24cm cast-iron skillet, telling you to run and never look back.

 

Seriously.

[fastjack]

You said yourself that you are tired of the emotional roller coaster ride. I have just been on a roller coaster myself & had to jump off. I know you're emotionally involved in her however i'd cut my losses & go NC now.

 

The deeper you get involved the harder it will be to move on later on. She should not treat you like that. It's not fair on you.

 

You deserve better.

 

I think the latest incident left a scar on me and i'm starting to think that maybe it's my fault. I must admit that after what happened that night, I wasn't the same guy anymore and now she's telling me that she feels like trash and ignored.

[Reality015]

Sounds like red flags to me. At least you are onto it.

 

Doesn't matter how long you have been with someone (3 months or 30 years) I know from experience it can still hurt lots to move on when have feelings for someone.

 

Honestly do you want to be treated like this ?

[Satu]

If you can't get along peacefully together, there's no point continuing in the relationship.

[joseb]

Fastjack, are you serious - do you honestly have to ask if you should leave?

She has physically assaulted you twice, emotionally abused you, smashed your phone, made dates with other guys.

 

Why on earth would you think this is OK?

Dump her immediately.

[badpenny]

I think the latest incident left a scar on me and i'm starting to think that maybe it's my fault. I must admit that after what happened that night, I wasn't the same guy anymore and now she's telling me that she feels like trash and ignored.

 

This is how abused people are conditioned to think, by those who abused them.

This early in the relationship, and you feel like this?

 

Please, for your own well-being, sanity and safety, leave.

 

If you don't, and she hits you again, have her arrested and bring charges. And yes, I am absolutely serious.

[Ruby65]

None of what you've described is acceptable behavior.

 

It doesn't matter that she apologizes later and promises never to do it again. That's what abusers always say. She can't control herself and probably won't ever be able to unless she gets therapy for it -- and stops drinking as well.

 

Game over, dude. Walk away.

 

[joseb]

I think the latest incident left a scar on me and i'm starting to think that maybe it's my fault. I must admit that after what happened that night, I wasn't the same guy anymore and now she's telling me that she feels like trash and ignored.

 

It doesn't matter that she apologizes later and promises never to do it again. That's what abusers always say.

 

She is definitely an abuser, and she is already trying to manipulate you by making you think it is somehow your fault. Don't fall for it.

Get out now before you get sucked into a nightmare that might last for years.

I am not being dramatic for affect - I know people who have been in hellish situations for years, even though they got plenty of warnings pretty early on.

 

She is dangerous. Be careful when you split up - I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to smash your place up or try to get you locked up on a false DV charge.

[HollowSea]

Dude... are you kidding? This ***** is literally abusing you physically. The first slap would have been the end for me. Red flag? Well duh. Dump her you're young. You just think you're in love. It ain't worth it.

[fastjack]

80% of the time, she's a good girlfriend. She supports me all the way, sweet, caring and understanding. But when she gets mad, boy there's hell to pay. While we were dating, she told me all her exes were jerks and when I asked why she broke up with them, she told me they all cheated on her at one point. One of her exes physically abused her as well. Currently, she doesn't have a good relationship with her family.

[Reality015]

80% of the time, she's a good girlfriend. She supports me all the way, sweet, caring and understanding. But when she get mad, boy there's hell to pay. While we were dating, she told me all her exes were jerks and when I asked why she broke up with them, she told me they all cheated on her at one point. One of her exes physically abused her as well. Currently, she doesn't have a good relationship with her family.

 

 

 

Sound like it's everybody else's fault always including yourself?

[HollowSea]

None of that. There's no excuse for abuse it sucks that her ex did that to her, but you aren't supposed to mimic that behavior on future relationships. Stop making excuses for her, because the more you do, the more you're going to get your ass beat, the more scars you'll have later on.

 

No excuses seriously. Dump her. Get your mind right.

[fastjack]

None of what you've described is acceptable behavior.

 

It doesn't matter that she apologizes later and promises never to do it again. That's what abusers always say. She can't control herself and probably won't ever be able to unless she gets therapy for it -- and stops drinking as well.

 

Game over, dude. Walk away.

 

 

She's not much of a drinker to be honest. She gets really tipsy with 1 bottle. Her friends are bad influences on her too.

[Marco Valerio]

You can not let her treat you like that. You shouldn't be in that relationship.

[Satu]

She's got serious problems that you can't fix.

 

And about the 80% thing:

 

Would you want a car that works 80% of the time?

 

A dog that only bites you 80% of the time?

[Ruby65]

She's not much of a drinker to be honest. She gets really tipsy with 1 bottle. Her friends are bad influences on her too.

 

Please don't tell me you're going to be making excuses for her.

[HollowSea]

Seriously enough with the excuses. If she can't control herself it isn't up to you to try to make her right. For godsakes you're just blinded by some stupid toxic love you think you have for her.

 

Not being sexist because this goes for women too, but for godsakes how can you as a man be okay with making up excuses and giving someone the benefit of the doubt for putting their hands on you? At what point did it become okay to be so emmasculated to the point that you are making excuses about someone hitting you? Is this what you thought love was before you got with her? Do you realize you aren't in your right mind and need to stop this BS? Have some self respect jesus.

[joseb]

80% of the time, she's a good girlfriend. She supports me all the way, sweet, caring and understanding. But when she gets mad, boy there's hell to pay. While we were dating, she told me all her exes were jerks and when I asked why she broke up with them, she told me they all cheated on her at one point. One of her exes physically abused her as well. Currently, she doesn't have a good relationship with her family.

 

even if 99% of the time she was fine, hitting you, destroying your stuff - not on.

 

 

She sounds like a classic Borderline Personality. The tales of exes abusing her and bad family relationships are very common with them.

 

She is likely lying about her ex, but if he did physicially abuse her, its a bigger red flag, because she may well have pushed him to it (or like I said, made it up). You need to be careful.

 

How long have you been together?

[veggirl]

she is a f*ckin psycho. dump immediately. I'd do it over the phone so she can't flip out on you.

[AaronSG]

i'm starting to think that maybe it's my fault.

 

Don't you even go there, not for one minute! Sometimes it can be normal for victims of this type of abuse to fall into some sort of "guilt complex"! From the way you put, real quick, I got the feeling that there are forces at work here that might elude you. To me, nearly going through the same, the types of abuse I had to deal with, when things came to an end, like you I felt guilty some how. But after doing a little digging and doing a lot of research I stumbled upon some facts.

 

When people of a sociopathic, narcissistic and psychopathic nature leave us, sometimes they leave us feeling more crazy in the end vs the level of crazy we were at in the beginning of the relationship. And something else I've learned, these types of people with those types of disorders can leave us with a good strong "guilt complex" because of how they do things. They sure know how to "work the system", how to set things up in their favor, how to set it up that the true victim of the breakup almost feels like some guilty perpetrator. They are slick, cunning, tactical and very manipulative.

 

My ex-fiancé came to me as a trojan horse! On the outside she was what I thought her first to be. Caring, kind, considerate, good morals, good values, down home living life style, honest, compassionate, sympathetic, ect. ect. ect. Nope, months after the trojan horse open up it's doors and out flooded a totally sosciopathic person, and yes, some slapping on my face started to happen.

 

Just know your not alone, NO, you have nothing to be guilty of! I'm providing some material that really helped me out when feeling as you do! Hope it helps...

 

Curing Post Breakup Over Analysis Syndrome...

 

Why Victims of Narcissistic/Sociopathic Abuse Feel Guilt....

 

 

now she's telling me that she feels like trash and ignored.

 

Don't buy into that, don't buy into this for one second! It's part of the "game", if she is the type that I suspect she is, with you now being withdrawn, she's got no one to vampire off of. You are pushing away, even if just mentally and she detects it, she now perhaps thinks that she's going to lose her "supply" that feeds into what she does! So she's perhaps is going to do the "pull" to try and hook you again! She needs someone to "feed the beast" and when these types don't have that they can get quite convincing with apologies or guilt trips. I think she's going for the "guilt trip" angle!

 

Watch your a** because things could get interesting!

[fastjack]

Seriously enough with the excuses. If she can't control herself it isn't up to you to try to make her right. For godsakes you're just blinded by some stupid toxic love you think you have for her.

 

Not being sexist because this goes for women too, but for godsakes how can you as a man be okay with making up excuses and giving someone the benefit of the doubt for putting their hands on you? At what point did it become okay to be so emmasculated to the point that you are making excuses about someone hitting you? Is this what you thought love was before you got with her? Do you realize you aren't in your right mind and need to stop this BS? Have some self respect jesus.

 

Thanks for your input sir.. I think you're right, I'm just blinded by whatever we have right now.

[fastjack]

Don't you even go there, not for one minute! Sometimes it can be normal for victims of this type of abuse to fall into some sort of "guilt complex"! From the way you put, real quick, I got the feeling that there are forces at work here that might elude you. To me, nearly going through the same, the types of abuse I had to deal with, when things came to an end, like you I felt guilty some how. But after doing a little digging and doing a lot of research I stumbled upon some facts.

 

When people of a sociopathic, narcissistic and psychopathic nature leave us, sometimes they leave us feeling more crazy in the end vs the level of crazy we were at in the beginning of the relationship. And something else I've learned, these types of people with those types of disorders can leave us with a good strong "guilt complex" because of how they do things. They sure know how to "work the system", how to set things up in their favor, how to set it up that the true victim of the breakup almost feels like some guilty perpetrator. They are slick, cunning, tactical and very manipulative.

 

My ex-fiancé came to me as a trojan horse! On the outside she was what I thought her first to be. Caring, kind, considerate, good morals, good values, down home living life style, honest, compassionate, sympathetic, ect. ect. ect. Nope, months after the trojan horse open up it's doors and out flooded a totally sosciopathic person, and yes, some slapping on my face started to happen.

 

Just know your not alone, NO, you have nothing to be guilty of! I'm providing some material that really helped me out when feeling as you do! Hope it helps...

 

Curing Post Breakup Over Analysis Syndrome...

 

Why Victims of Narcissistic/Sociopathic Abuse Feel Guilt....

 

 

 

 

Don't buy into that, don't buy into this for one second! It's part of the "game", if she is the type that I suspect she is, with you now being withdrawn, she's got no one to vampire off of. You are pushing away, even if just mentally and she detects it, she now perhaps thinks that she's going to lose her "supply" that feeds into what she does! So she's perhaps is going to do the "pull" to try and hook you again! She needs someone to "feed the beast" and when these types don't have that they can get quite convincing with apologies or guilt trips. I think she's going for the "guilt trip" angle!

 

Watch your a** because things could get interesting!

 

 

I guess i'm experiencing the same situation you had before with you ex-fiance. My current girlfriend came in like a trojan horse as well! Good looking, charming and irresistible woman. She was always there when I was feeling down. Physically, she's the most attractive girl I ever dated. At the start of our friendship, we clicked immediately. She's the type of girl when she enters the room, most guys will immediately notice. She's always mistaken as a celebrity when we go to malls or do shopping.

 

A few months after we became exclusive, things change. She's always insecure about my previous relationship and always checking my social media if i'm talking to my ex or other girls. If I don't give in to her demands, she always say bad things about me. Then after the dramatic confrontation, she'll be sweet and everything.

 

She doesn't like it and gets too emotional when I open up with my inner circle (closest friends). Actually most of my bros noticed that I'm beginning to change. They say that I look generally unhappy. She was able to penetrate and get close to my family specially with my mom. But of course, I don't tell my mom what's going on between us.

 

She broke up with me once and I took it seriously. The next day she wanted to see me so I dropped by at her house. To cut the story short, she used the begging-crying like a baby (my weakness) card on me. I have no choice but to give her another chance because I have real feelings for this woman.

 

Fast forward to this day and with all your inputs, I'm beginning to see the light..

[Ruby65]

Dude..... she HIT you.

 

There's really nothing else to say.