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Roscilla

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ms.stressed

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I want to leave. Like disappear. Get away from it all and just vanish. I don't think anyone understands what it means to not want to be seen or found. To literally get lost. 

Y'all I have so much life in me...so much to offer and give to this world...My soul, my body is all emotion...I just let my emotions flow. I fill them and I speak them. I teach, so to go through life and see an injustice or something wrong and not act or speak on it, does something to me. It makes me a hypocrite, because I can't look at my children in the eye and *not* tell them to be brave and strong, when I'm cowardly and weak. 

My momma named me Jah, she said it means God. She calls me her sunshine so to go through this life and not stand tall and shake the heavens with my words and action will be a disservice to me and my momma's namesake. I can't go through life living it in half measure. I can't. I have to stand for something or live life not standing at all. And if you don't stand tall and shake the heavens, if you don't let your voice be heard, you risk becoming a shadow of yourself. So you stand tall, and use your big voice and you speak your truth and the truth. 

I don't need to drink, I don't to use drugs, I don't need to use anything to speak, to act, to do anything. I'm not scared. I don't live my life in fear and I might not raise my fists to fight but my momma told me to use my big voice. She said, Jah, speak. Use your big voice and say something. So I stand tall and I speak. I use my big voice and I don't get ashamed for speaking the truth and I don't say, "my truth", I say, "the truth" because everyone doesn't have the same truth

 

I'm the middle child, my momma said, "Melissa is the smart, rational one. My brother is the strong one, but I'm the emotional one. I'm the feeling one." And I am. I'm my brother's voice and my sister's protector. Because my brother won't let people see him cry, my sister won't express her anger or sadness, I do that. And I'm my momma's voice. I get my ass whooped because I speak up or act. But I can't help it. It's just who I am and I'm not compromising it. 

I just can't be any less than that. 

People call me weak minded, but I don't think I'm weak. 

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