Guide to life after going NC
Entry posted by betterdeal ·
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No contact is not a weapon or a tool to do anything to someone else.
It's all about you. Its about accepting you are not connected to that person or persons any more, whoever they are, and letting go of the connection you used to have with them.
No contact is a stage, a process. It is not a statement. You have decided you are no longer going to get hurt by maintaining a relationship with that person or persons.
It feels strange, counter-intuitive, to not turn to the person or persons that you were so intimate with in some way when you are upset, to seek solace from them. But further contact with them causes more upset. The very thing you relied on for comfort is now causing discomfort.
Let me get this straight: it is not the other person or persons that you have relied on; rather it is your relationship with them that hurts you. You have become reliant on that person in some way, and by doing so you have divested an amount of your care and safety to that person. Don't worry; I don't wish to judge; you were doing the best you could with the information you had.
There are hundreds if not thousands of people you have met that you do not contact any more and will in all likelihood never contact again. The last customer service person you spoke to on the phone - are you in contact with him or her? Will you be in a year? No. That's what no contact is.
This is your time and your life. During this period, you may feel a range of emotions, and thoughts. Let them out. When the melancholy mood strikes, think of it as passing clouds.
Take as long as you like. At first it is bewildering, and scary, and you will be infused with the past. But as time goes by you will notice more things about the present. You might find you think about that person or persons when you are ill, or tired, or stub your toe. It is not he, she or them that hurt you this time, it is the stubbing your toe that hurt you.
Somewhere inside you have associated pain with the person or persons. But as you progress, and review every big or little wobble, every time you think upsetting things about him, her or them, you'll be able to notice that something now was actually what concerned you, not that person or persons in the past.
And sooner than you think, and if it is your wish, you will stop thinking of them as "my ex" and realise they are "someone I was involved with". The difference is that "my ex" suggests ownership, a connection still, whereas people we were involved with do not belong to or own us. I don't have "my ex" taxi driver any more than I have "my ex" girlfriend. I was driven by that taxi driver and I was involved with that woman.
This is what NC is about. It's about helping you calm down, recover, feel better, let go of that relationship, disassociate you now from you then.
This is just one more person or persons you have met on your life journey. You had some extraordinary, unique times together and touched each other's hearts. You're extraordinary, uniquely you. Don't be sad that it's over - be happy it happened.
As I said, no contact is a process, a stage in your life. By deciding to stop the harmful process of being in contact with that persons or persons, you have decided to remove a stress from your life. You have decided to take control of your own happiness. You have given yourself the space and peace in which to accept what has happened, where you are now and let go of the feelings and thoughts you were holding back.
And you end up here, in the now, a better, happier, more present, ready, willing and able to make more of your life. To find things that make you happy and do them.
So go change your phone number, block Facebook, block emails, delete all contact details, delete, burn or hide photos and letters, move town, country, continent. Lose contact.
There's a light at the end of the tunnel and you can reach it by leaving your excess baggage behind.
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