About this journal
My journey started 11 years ago. During that time, I was already in my 30's and feeling all alone. I just wanted a companion, someone to talk to and pass the time. I entered several yahoo chat rooms until I finally landed on the Boston chatroom. That is where I met Sam. We said hi and started talking. Maybe we clicked immediately cause we started talking for hours and hours in the days that followed. He lived in the US and I lived in the Middle East. We would chat his afternoons and my evenings. We would occasionally exchange pictures. From chatting, we progressed to talking over yahoo voice. On his prodding, we would even do phone sex over yahoo voice. No yahoo cam as he claimed his laptop has no cam then. Towards the end of the first year, the frequency of our talking declined from 3-4 times a week to only once a week. There were weeks that passed by that no words from him at all. The next time he would show up, he would say he was busy with work. I started feeling uncertain and thought he is not into me as I want to believe. So I started chatting with other guys and put him on offline mode. Unfortunately for me, I could not find the joy I felt talking to Sam with these other guys. After about 2 months, I showed online to him again. He asked me where have I been and told him I met Andrew. He confessed that he was jealous and would not want to lose me and promised to give me more time. He even showed his face on cam for the first time then. The naive, or should I say the stupid me, believed him.
This set up of us talking over cam continued for the next couple of years. I would ask him if we would meet in person and he would say someday. One day, I decided to see him in the US if he cannot come see me. So I applied for US visa and was luckily approved. When I told him I am going to the US around summer of that year, he told me that my timing is wrong cause he is going to the UK for business (red flag ). Since my flight and hotels were already booked, I went ahead with my trip to the US with my office mate. There in the US, using another account, I found out he was in the US that time and not in UK as he claimed. My heart was devastated but maybe the thought of finally fulfilling my dream of seeing NYC, Hollywood, Niagara Falls dampens my disappointment with him.
Over the next couple of years, we continued talking. I know I am so stupid to continue doing so. But I have already fallen for him (some may find this unbelievable, but that's how I felt for him). With Sam, we could talk about anything and everything. I felt I found someone who shares the same wave length as mine. He also made me feel beautiful and sexy, something that I don't think of myself as one. I am someone who suffers from low self-esteem over my looks. With these years, there would be some time that he would not show up for a month. Next time he showed up would reasoned out he was busy putting up his own business. I am not sure if I am really that dumb or am just glued to him that I accepted all excuses. I have come to accept and conditioned myself that he is just not ready to commit yet. Later on, this idea has transformed to my mind that he has commitment phobia (again stupidity on my part).
To be fair to him. there were few instances that he asked me if I would want to stop whatever we have. That he feels guilty that I am waiting for him. I would say no and then we would resume again with the relationship we had.
Sometime in 2017, he said he is fed up with America and he would go back to Aus. He sold his house in the US and moved back to Aus. There, we would talk my mornings and his afternoons. Things have progressed there as we would talk more often, he would confess more intimate details bout himself. He would even say I love you out of the blue. I thought, our relationship is finally elevating to a new level. We would talk of me going to Aus and meeting him. By the end of 2018, he was flying the idea of him going back to the US. This time to Texas. I asked him I thought he was already done with the US. But he said, he finds Aus now so small as compared to the US. By middle of 2019, he relocated to the US. From the time he relocated until February 2020, we continued talking. Come March, we only talked around twice that month. The entire April and middle of May, no words from him again. By the 3rd week of May, we were able to talk for less than 30 minutes with him reasoning out that he is busy with the university research work he is doing and he is covering for those who has families who cannot come to work because of covid.
During the time we were not talking, I am not sure if by heaven intervention, but I happened to stumble upon his linked in account. I got curious with his work experience and I researched the companies. The last 2 companies were the ones that really made a shattering impact to me. One company listed him as President. I was impressed and searched that company. I saw the products the company is offering which coincides with the work he was telling me all those years. Another website showed the company registration for that company and officers/members. He was listed as Member together with another woman. My initial reaction is ohhh. In that same website, I searched the registration of the second company and found out that him and the same woman are listed as Member/owner again. When I checked the actual website of the company, it was mentioned there that the woman is married with one son. I maybe stupid about my feelings toward him, but it does not require rocket science to put two and two together to figure out they are married.
My world collapsed. Coupled with being stuck at home due to covid, I developed depression. I am blaming myself for falling in love with him, making him the center of my life, believing that someday, I would be able to change his mind to commit. Now, I don't know what I would feel next time we talk. Not sure if I would pretend I don't know anything or just completely stop talking to him. My friend told me that maybe, there is something wrong with his marriage that I somehow fulfill his needs for companionship, talking and sharing thoughts. Regardless, he is a jerk, for leading me on and letting me believe that we had something.
If anyone would read this, please do not tell me I am stupid. I already know I am STUPID, DUMB, etc., etc. No need to rub it on my face. I write this journal, to somehow, feel relieve in getting these feelings out of my chest. And maybe, hopefully someday, I may get over him and learn to forgive myself for letting me fall for the wrong guy.