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Constantly told no spark


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 19th February 2018, 12:19 PM   #61
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Originally Posted by ZA Dater View Post
I also think this chemistry is nothing more than an easy way out to avoid being honest. Which is pathetic.


Maybe more value would be added if people politely told it as it is versus apply generic statements.


Once again OP is apologise for the judgemental nature of society.
Well people seldom appreciate honesty when it comes to what's wrong with them. I'm sure no girl would have appreciated it if I told her the reason I don't want to go out with her again is because she's fatter/older than her pics. Some people would be happy to hear a chance for improvement but most don't.

Also, it's not fair to judge people for preferences as you yourself admitted you were not attracted to the few girls who were in to you. Attraction is not a choice.

Biologically we want to get the best mate we can so we have offspring that will survive. What's different about us vs the animal kingdom is "best" varies by person. For some it's a pretty face, for some it's a nice body, for others it is money, status, height, etc.

OP - I'm not a proponent of listing ALL your deal breakers on a profile. I don't think I should list I snore, I'm grumpy in the morning, or I take longer to get ready than most women lol.

Your thinking you can "win them over" with your personality is akin to the hundreds of chicks I see hiding their fat behind a tree/kid/dog/camera angle/photo cropping. It's dishonest and immediately starts the date off on a bad note. Moreover, I am not attracted to big women.

And I bring that up as I feel extra pounds is the female equivalent of guys who they deem too short. I've heard many stories from dates where a guy lied about his height or misrepresented it and it never goes anywhere. I still can't figure out why it's such a big deal but women do use it as a pre-qualifier. I'm fairly tall so it hasn't been an issue for me luckily.

I have not been on 200 first dates in my life (sounds exhausting!). Though the percentage of "success" on OLD with the ones I did go out have been pretty good (meaning kissing, sex, or few month RL - no luck with finding one I want to keep long term). I think the reason is my profile is pretty representative of me in person.

You say you will get no dates if you list your height. I think you will get fewer but the ones who go out with you will know what they are getting into and you will have a higher chance of a "spark". As far as the speech issues, i think that might be less of a deal breaker to women than your height.

Why not try an experiment - list your height on one site and not on the others and see how it goes with the women you go out with. To get 200 dates you must be way above average in looks which is 90% of the battle on OLD. Be thankful for that. Although I'm fairly successful with women, I've met guys who were much shorter run circles around me. Height isn't as important as looks or charisma. I could be more successful but as an introvert I really lack the desire to do cold approaches useless she is a really showing signs of attraction and I'm really attracted to her.
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Old 19th February 2018, 1:12 PM   #62
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Originally Posted by ZA Dater View Post
I also think this chemistry is nothing more than an easy way out to avoid being honest. Which is pathetic.


Maybe more value would be added if people politely told it as it is versus apply generic statements.


Once again OP is apologise for the judgemental nature of society.
Well, but no. The woman you met up with off e.g., Tinder is not your dating coach. She is there to decide whether you are a match, for HER, which is her prerogative. She doesn't owe you incisive useful feedback on what you can do better next time.

Expecting that from someone you just met online is daft. Especially since the going rate for an hour with a good dating coach is a lot more than the price of one or even a couple of drinks.

Anyway OP, it strikes me as counterproductive that you do not put your height down in your profile. You may not get dates with women for whom your height would be a dealbreaker anymore, but who cares--those dates weren't going anywhere anyway. So eliminating those dates would only save you some time, which would be a win.

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Old 19th February 2018, 1:49 PM   #63
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I still can't figure out why it's such a big deal but women do use it as a pre-qualifier.
I feel more feminine when I'm with a man who is taller than I am.
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Old 19th February 2018, 5:33 PM   #64
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Thanks for the posts.

I do tell the woman my height if she asks. I did meet a 5ft 9" woman before meeting who said she wasn't bothered about my height.

We had a great time

Then I get told no spark.

It seems like I cannot get a spark with any woman, Regardless if she's 4ft 11 or 5ft 11. 99% of the women already know my height before meeting as they asked me.

Plus I need to stress the people ALREADY know what I look like before meeting. I have photos and videos of me on social media. It's quite apparent I'm short in my photos so I have nothing to hide.

I want to stress that I am not 100% deaf. I wear hearing aids which help alot. It's not perfect but it helps alot. I can hear people fine if they speak on the ever slightly slow side.


Am I really that undesirable? I have NO problems getting dates as I've been told I'm good looking.

But something is just killing it for them and it's making me so depressed.
Every date is the same.

Plus how am I being dishonest? I ALWAYS tell the woman I am deaf before meeting.

Should I stay at home and wallow in self pity or go out on dates full of confidence and wit and hope they can see past my barriers.

I keep being told I'm funny, intelligent, good looking, witty. Surely those are desirable traits?

Last edited by Superunknown91; 19th February 2018 at 5:45 PM..
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Old 19th February 2018, 5:36 PM   #65
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Should I stay at home and wallow in self pity or go out on dates full of confidence and wit and hope they can see past my barriers.
No, you should not stay home and wallow . I wish we could give you a definitive answer about what is going on. I got nuthin.
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Old 19th February 2018, 7:20 PM   #66
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I just don't mention it at all.
You should, it would save you both the time.

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Originally Posted by Superunknown91 View Post
I wouldn't get dates if I did.
But what does it matter if she's not going to go out with you again because of it anyways? If she has a height preference, you're just wasting your time, her time, and your money. It's a battle you can't win. Better to focus on the ones you can.

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Not sure why there's an obsession with height.
Biology.

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Plus it would be rather awkward if I said to a woman

"Hi how are you

oh by the way I'm 5ft7"

It would be bizarre. So if they ask, I tell them. If they don't I leave it.
You assume the only way to acknowledge it is "awkwardly." If you just list it in your profile, you won't have this problem. That way, if it concerns them, they don't even have to ask. I list my height in my profile. I'm not tall. It's way easier than trying to lie, hide it, or waste my time going out with her if she cares that much.

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I'm not too quite sure why a disability has to be a dealbreaker.
It doesn't "have" to, but for a lot of people, it can be and is as a result of the market. If that person doesn't feel enough attraction, and they're more comfortable trying their luck elsewhere, there's no reason for them not to. Can an overweight person say "I'm not sure why weight should be a deal breaker?" Sure. But it's not going to change anything because those who aren't attracted to overweight people are free to move on. Peoples' preferences aren't personal attacks (even though I'm sure they can feel like that someones), they're just preferences. I would think peoples' preferences have less to do with you and more to do with something they're still looking for that they haven't found.

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Originally Posted by ZA Dater View Post
This entire thread just makes me sad.
Simply because once again its a case of anything off norm is considered undesirable. OP is genuinely being wronged here in my opinion by a society so stuck in "follow my leader" they cannot, dare not even stand up for that nonsense this is.
I sympathize with him, I think it's unfair that he has to deal with this, however, that doesn't change anything. People don't subvert their biological apprehensions just to be nice. Attraction isn't on a "follow the leader" track. People are attracted to certain things and avoid other things. You can see this cross culturally. What if someone held a knife to your throat and said "be attracted to that overweight, uninteresting person!" It just doesn't work that way. No one is under any obligation to be attracted to someone they aren't attracted to. There is no law, no governing body that can demand that.

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I learnt that people are people and should never be judged.
To be fair, I don't think OP ever said he had been "judged." That implies some sort of criticism or perhaps overt discrimination or antagonism. But these 200 women gave him a shot. It didn't work out. The end. You shouldn't vilify those people for whatever reason they didn't want to see him again. You could just as easily vilify yourself for not trying to date every women you see regardless of what you think of her.

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No chemistry and no spark is fine BUT if its because of your disability would it not make a difference if they were actually honest enough to admit that but NO they would never do so because it reflects poorly on THEM.
Some people honestly may have an issue with his disability. I'm not saying it's nice, but it's bound to have been the reason for at least some these 200 girls. What advantage do they have of saying it's the reason (or "a") reason to not go out with him again? It's not something he can control, so that'd presumably hurt his feelings rather badly and then make themselves look horrible.

What you're doing is acting like anyone who has any sort of apprehension to his disability (or we could put height, or any other attribute in here to illustrate the point), gives the guy a shot, but ultimately decides it isn't for her, is guilty of some sort of moral failing. The reality is that everyone just wants the best partner they can get, and in the process of finding that person will consider many discriminations: disabilities, height, intelligence, success, socio-economic status, race, etc and, in conjunction with their own biological attraction and market value, and select the best partner they can get. Is it "good?" Is it "nice?" Absolutely not. But it happens, that's the world we live in and denying it is only going to make things worse. Everyone does it. You do it. You shouldn't shame people for trying to adhere to their own biological urges in a polite way. Your issue is with God or science, not the individuals.

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Originally Posted by ZA Dater View Post
Saying "no spark" etc. just puts the "blame" on you.
No, this blames the circumstances.

OP, if I were you I'd craft a profile that just laid it all out on the table in the funniest possible fashion. "Just it's out of the way, I'm deaf. And if that didn't impress you enough, I'm also 5'7"." Then a funny statement about how you operate, the challenges it poses to you, and how you confidently deal with them. Then I'd drop it and move onto the other interesting stuff.

I've seen articles about profiles of people with disabilities and some of them are absolutely hilarious and you can only admire the way they go about the process and their lives. You seem like you've got the right attitude so I'm sure you could incorporate this sort of thing into yours. We all get dealt a different hand, all we can do is play it to the best of our ability.

Best of luck.
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Old 19th February 2018, 7:26 PM   #67
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A lot of this Love stuff is tricky. I think a lot of us are not getting love/dates, what ever you want to call it. I think its because we are looking for it. I think the best thing is to leave it alone for a time.

All my friends that are attached. None of them went out of their way to make it happen. I doubt that for those of us that are chilling. We will go the rest of our lives with out love. We just go out and socialize with the opposite sex, and let things roll from there. Not force anything and not always be on the hunt.

Personally. I think you just keep dressing well and do things that make you happy. Better to learn how to Paint/Yoga/Learn Guitar, what ever floats your boat, than try to always make things happen with women in a romantic way.
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Old 20th February 2018, 2:11 AM   #68
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Well people seldom appreciate honesty when it comes to what's wrong with them. I'm sure no girl would have appreciated it if I told her the reason I don't want to go out with her again is because she's fatter/older than her pics. Some people would be happy to hear a chance for improvement but most don't.

Biologically we want to get the best mate we can so we have offspring that will survive. What's different about us vs the animal kingdom is "best" varies by person. For some it's a pretty face, for some it's a nice body, for others it is money, status, height, etc.

Your thinking you can "win them over" with your personality is akin to the hundreds of chicks I see hiding their fat behind a tree/kid/dog/camera angle/photo cropping. It's dishonest and immediately starts the date off on a bad note. Moreover, I am not attracted to big women.

{snip}


I agree with some of this disagree with some of it.


I think many people would appreciate honesty over blanket statements, at least then they can know why they are being rejected.


"Best mate" I have read this before and honestly it doesn't resonate at all because when I look around me at married people, some of my own friends, I cannot for the life of me imagine they thought "hey this is my best mate for biological reasons" no, I think the more often thought was "she likes me, I like her, ok" and this is why the divorce rates are what they are.


I digress.


I think it is possible to win people over with personality BUT its very, very difficult unless you have something going for you in the physical attraction department. In fact I the examples I mentioned above it must mostly be personality which drives attraction in those couples. I do concede physical attraction is subjective.


Agreed, OP should list his height and yes might get fewer dates but perhaps those dates will be more successful.


Its worth trying thing and see how those things influence results. I once listed every deal breaker in a profile and didn't get one date....so yes there is perhaps a case for not being OVER honest!

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 20th February 2018 at 8:50 PM.. Reason: snipped ~T
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Old 20th February 2018, 2:21 AM   #69
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{snip}

Some people honestly may have an issue with his disability. I'm not saying it's nice, but it's bound to have been the reason for at least some these 200 girls. What advantage do they have of saying it's the reason (or "a") reason to not go out with him again? It's not something he can control, so that'd presumably hurt his feelings rather badly and then make themselves look horrible.

What you're doing is acting like anyone who has any sort of apprehension to his disability (or we could put height, or any other attribute in here to illustrate the point), gives the guy a shot, but ultimately decides it isn't for her, is guilty of some sort of moral failing. The reality is that everyone just wants the best partner they can get, and in the process of finding that person will consider many discriminations: disabilities, height, intelligence, success, socio-economic status, race, etc and, in conjunction with their own biological attraction and market value, and select the best partner they can get. Is it "good?" Is it "nice?" Absolutely not. But it happens, that's the world we live in and denying it is only going to make things worse. Everyone does it. You do it. You shouldn't shame people for trying to adhere to their own biological urges in a polite way. Your issue is with God or science, not the individuals.
{snip}


Any form of discrimination based on disability doesn't sit well with me. In fact I think nothing of people of discriminate on disability. Undoubtedly OP has been victim of this on occasion and while I agree with you "like who you like" then at least offer up something better than no chemistry for no second date.


All that tells me is a lack of interest per se and the need to rather cover that with blanket nonsense. OP don't worry too much, I can list about half a dozen people I went out with who gave me the same rubbish, of those half dozen all are still on dating sites I guess it might "their" lack of chemistry and had nothing to do with me at all.


Swing things around, instead of feeling you are to blame, pass it on the person who rejects you. They have lost out, not you.


If you take to heart each rejection life becomes a terrible place.


Agreed, focus on battles you can win but its difficult to pick those...or you can fight battles you might win if you stay the long haul.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 20th February 2018 at 8:45 PM.. Reason: snipped ~T
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Old 20th February 2018, 3:21 AM   #70
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Superunknown91, in my extended family we have a deaf woman who was raised as you have been, as a hearing person. She does talk and her voice sounds a little like a barking dog or as if she has breathing issues.

Anyway, she married a quite good looking guy who does well, a pilot for private jets.

The thing about her is that even though her speech is strange and she has to watch you talk to lip read, you totally don't notice it. I think it might be because she doesn't really try very hard to get people to talk where she can see their mouths and doesn't try extra hard to get you to listen to her at first, she more listens and smiles and laughs. She's very good looking, though, I would say she's hot, actually, but she is mostly bouncing around all the time having a blast and is very supportive to others.

I know another woman raised the same way. And she's very hard to talk with though her voice sounds similar to the first lady. Both can form words that are easily understandable they just have a different sound than most peoples' voices.

Anyway, the thing the second lady does that makes it hard to talk with her is that she almost forces you to talk with her and listen to her. The first lady isn't needy and demanding whereas when you are with the second lady you feel that if you don't talk with her she'll have no one to talk with and so you feel guilty turning away.

The second lady gets in your face and connects her eyes with yours intensely and never looks away and keeps talking and talking. She is somehow controlling with the way she needs you to talk with her. The first lady is more casual and easy come easy go so that you feel you have a choice with her.

You're probably not like either one of these people. But, I do want to draw a comparison to your situation and theirs. It is that if either one of them got on this forum and told about themselves I doubt either could accurately describe the way they present socially. It would be more like all about their appearance, disability, education, etc etc.

Every once in a while someone comes on here and maintains the same thing as you are, that nothing ever works out for them, no one seems to have chemistry with them.

My point here is that someone who can be with you in person is going to have to give you the answer. I doubt your main issue is your disability or your height, which is great because I believe it's something you have control over and can work on.

I hate to tell you to get into therapy because it doesn't sound as if you need it. But, maybe get with a life coach, or someone who can give you feedback who can socially interact with you. Show them this thread because when they see what everyone has written it may free them up to speak candidly with you knowing your feelings won't be hurt if they suggest that you do something differently than the way you're doing it.

It would actually be helpful if you could interact with several people who are around your own age who would be honest with you.

And you may work with several people this way, and find out that you are doing everything just great! That maybe you just haven't met the right woman yet! There are a lot of single folks on LS that are still waiting or still looking, just as you are! So quite possibly you're just like the rest, wondering where is Mr./Mrs. Right and what you can do to make things happen for yourself sooner rather than later!

Last edited by LivingWaterPlease; 20th February 2018 at 3:25 AM..
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Old 20th February 2018, 10:10 AM   #71
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You should, it would save you both the time.



OP, if I were you I'd craft a profile that just laid it all out on the table in the funniest possible fashion. "Just it's out of the way, I'm deaf. And if that didn't impress you enough, I'm also 5'7"." Then a funny statement about how you operate, the challenges it poses to you, and how you confidently deal with them. Then I'd drop it and move onto the other interesting stuff.


Best of luck.
That's a good idea but..If I wrote on my profile "I'm deaf" people would automatically assume I can't speak and only sign then swipe left. That's the typical stereotype of a deaf person.

I'm far from a stereotypical deaf person. I can't even sign! I never had to.
And I can speak fine. I just sound a bit foreign. I've been told I sound like a German who speaks perfect English.

Last edited by Superunknown91; 20th February 2018 at 10:12 AM..
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Old 20th February 2018, 1:01 PM   #72
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Undoubtedly OP has been victim of this on occasion and while I agree with you "like who you like" then at least offer up something better than no chemistry for no second date.
So what you're saying is, you'd prefer people say "No chemistry as a result of undesirable qualities X, Y, and Z, and lack of desirable qualities A, B, and C" rather than generic "no chemistry?"

Women have to be as congenial as possible when turning a man down, because if she doesn't do it ever so delicately, there's always a chance he could take it the wrong way and do something awful to her because he's thin skinned. There's no advantage to the women to say "You're too short and I don't like it, it's a huge turn off" instead of "no chemistry." The first makes it sounds like the decision was dependent on something about him he can't control (which may be the truth, but not a pleasant one), the second makes it sound like the decision is based on circumstances that neither of them is at fault for.

Women are looking out for their own safety and your feelings, not trying to give you the best, most detailed, qualitative feedback. And honestly, they gave you a shot and then politely declined to do so again. That's perfectly reasonable. They don't owe you a detailed explanation if they don't want to give you one. Odds are they don't do it because it would make at least one of you very uncomfortable. They're trying to do things as easily and peacefully as possible.

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All that tells me is a lack of interest per se and the need to rather cover that with blanket nonsense.
That's not nonsense. We've all been out with plenty of people (yourself included) with whom there's been no real interest. The person seemed at least promising or interesting enough to go out with once, but simply not enough to go out with again. And so what? That's fine. Most of the time, the reason you don't see someone again is just the blanket "generally uninterested" reason. You just want a degree of specificity that most people can't articulate, or feel uncomfortable giving or hearing.

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OP don't worry too much, I can list about half a dozen people I went out with who gave me the same rubbish,
What about the people you didn't want to see again? Was it the same rubbish?

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of those half dozen all are still on dating sites I guess it might "their" lack of chemistry and had nothing to do with me at all.
My pet peeve on this forum is this line of thought: "They didn't want to go out with me, yet they're still single, so their standards are too high/they were lying to me or themselves/they're awful/etc"

Maybe their standards and/or circumstances are a little more nuanced than you're making them out to be.

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That's a good idea but..If I wrote on my profile "I'm deaf" people would automatically assume I can't speak and only sign then swipe left. That's the typical stereotype of a deaf person.

I'm far from a stereotypical deaf person. I can't even sign! I never had to.
And I can speak fine. I just sound a bit foreign. I've been told I sound like a German who speaks perfect English.
So say that. Make it funny. Don't act like it's a setback (I'm sure you don't), but find a way to make it your niche and use it to your advantage. Best of luck.
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Old 20th February 2018, 1:27 PM   #73
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Keep your confidence and a positive self-image. I know there's soneone out there that you can 'spark' with. I believe there is someone for everyone. Maybe it takes more patience. I understand you are being very patient. Don't entertain playing the disability card in why you are having issues in the dating arena. Your first dates go well, a good sign to me. I'll stand with you about a bright future; full of sparks!
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