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Partner's daughter said she would be PROUD if she found out her dad cheats on me.


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Old 12th February 2019, 12:41 PM   #1
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Partner's daughter said she would be PROUD if she found out her dad cheats on me.

Need to get some perspective here. My fiancé and I have struggled. He’s recently told me that I need to make changes in my behavior. I don’t look “happy” and that I can be too demanding. SO here it goes:

I had to drive to a work meeting yesterday. It was 2.5 hours each way. I chose to COME BACK instead of stay overnight …so we could go to dinner together and have a nice night. The night before — i was pushing for sex. We had sex 3 times in 2 days — and I told him that morning that I wanted to come back so we could have another fun/sex night.

He said okay….. So the plan was for him to get off work (at 3) — he would go work out and then when I arrive home (around 5) he would be ready to go to dinner.

So what happened? What always happens. He chose to go to the mall after work to get socks that he liked better. he said the new socks he bought last week weren’t comfy enough. He spent an hour at the mall (Nordstrom) buying socks etc. He got home to go work out at 5. So he said he would be quick. He came home at 6:15. He showered and changed …we couldn’t leave for dinner until 6:45. Dinner was at a nice steak place we often go. But he started the conversation about his child support expiring for his youngest daughter because he got a notice in the mail. So he used our dinner to text his ex wife about the payment schedule and to look through his finances. I didn’t say anything.

We got home and and he said he needed to work a little on his laptop but we could watch TV. I said okay. He said don’t worry — I won’t work too long. OFTEN he will work on his laptop until 12:30 in the morning. ALMOST every. single night.

So he started complaining about how his workload was so awful and that he needs an assistant. Well he HAS a full time assistant. He lets her work remotely all but ONE day a week. So she is working from home 4 days a week. I simply said you have one — give her more work. He blew up and said no, she works too much as it is. That she is overwhelmed. I said just a couple of weeks ago you told me that she was BORED and appeared to be coming up with projects because she was idle.

He proceeded to tell me that just because I came in and helped him for a day while she was off — that I don’t know what I’m talking about and I didn’t even know what I was doing.

He said “She’s gold” He said you just don’t like her. (I’ve never even met her!) I said no, I am just stating the facts. You are working too much. It’s cutting into our lives because you aren’t delegating. He handed me the computer and said “let’s see if YOU can do this… NO you can’t… and until you can do this job — you don’t know what the FU8K you are talking about.”

I said look i’m not fighting with you. He said you’ve had wine …and now you are picking fights. I said NO. I am just waiting patiently for you and minding my own business. I thought we were going to have a good night….

He said well you are destroying that.

So at that point I said well, it’s 10:15. I’m going to head to bed. He said okay. So he came to bed and IMMEDIATELY started working on his laptop in bed. He then looked at me and said the night before when we had sex he had fallen asleep after — and he can’t do that again. So he is going to work.

So I rolled over and went to sleep. This morning he was asking why I was quiet. He said he hopes that I know he loves me and that we will have a better “sexy” night tonight. He said he was just very busy.

His big complaints about me/us HAVE been — that I fall asleep too early drinking wine (waiting for him on the couch) and we don’t have sex the way we used to. And that I used to be so loving and physical with him — and I seemed detached.

So CLEARLY I am here trying to fix it and I’m realizing that maybe “I” am not the problem. His work is…..and his reluctance to be with me.

I am also feeling extremely insecure because his 24 year old daughter has moved back into our area and she has been staying at our house a few days a week. (Usually when we aren't home--otherwise she stays at her Mom's house)

He just hired her one day a week while she goes to college "PART TIME". She said she wanted to go back to school -- so she doesn't have to WORK for awhile. He spoils her....

So I overheard her the other day (she didn't know I was in the house) telling her boyfriend on speaker phone that she would be PROUD if she found out when she started working for her dad-- that he was "banging his assistant". THey both started talking about how much they want him to be single to meet a "really nice woman".... and to leave me.

Now ALL i think about when he's with his daughter is how she must be non stop telling him to leave me....and be single.

BTW -- I SHOULD ADD -- He is NOT cheating on me with the assistant. She is married and just had a baby. He isn't cheating -- but I know it may sound like it given how defensive he is about her.

Last edited by liladavis662; 12th February 2019 at 12:47 PM..
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Old 12th February 2019, 12:54 PM   #2
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Call it off, you can find better and it will only get worse.
Ignore the daughter, she may have known you were home and not let on and anyways...
Would not be surprised if he is laying the groundwork to be 'banging his assistant' if he isn't already.
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Old 12th February 2019, 12:55 PM   #3
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You don't need proof of anything untoward to leave someone - it's enough that they don't treat you right and cannot meet each others needs - this guy sounds like grade A douche nozzle.
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Old 12th February 2019, 12:58 PM   #4
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It's been 4 and a half years. I just feel like I've changed my entire life (changed jobs and careers for him).... I don't know how to start over.

I work REMOTELY so I could spend more time with him...and now he works non stop.

he tried to get a new job (he currently owns his own business) and he hasn't gotten hired.

As for the daughter -- I was SO angry and hurt. I haven't told anyone about what I heard. I know my partner would say that I made it up -- and his daughter would deny it.

It hurts...
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Old 12th February 2019, 1:00 PM   #5
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Would you constitute the argument from last night -- as emotionally abusive? Telling me I don't know what the fuc* I am talking about -- and that I am idiotic and have stupid ideas?

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You don't need proof of anything untoward to leave someone - it's enough that they don't treat you right and cannot meet each others needs - this guy sounds like grade A douche nozzle.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 12th February 2019 at 3:30 PM.. Reason: Fix spacing
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Old 12th February 2019, 1:03 PM   #6
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Quote:
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.
Would not be surprised if he is laying the groundwork to be 'banging his assistant' if he isn't already.

That is the impression I got too.
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Old 12th February 2019, 1:07 PM   #7
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He has told me several times that I shouldn't be jealous -- she is too fat for his taste anyway.

I don't think he will ever be attracted to her -- she is married with kids. BUT -- I don't feel good about how defensive he is.

What he's told me is that he gets defensive because I question him and how he works ...when he says I have no idea what the "fuc*" I'm talking about
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Old 12th February 2019, 1:12 PM   #8
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It's been 4 and a half years. I just feel like I've changed my entire life (changed jobs and careers for him).... I don't know how to start over.
Start by moving out and hanging out with your gal friends or finding new hobbies.

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I work REMOTELY so I could spend more time with him...and now he works non stop.
Sucks, but now that can be time you spend first with self care and then finding new relationships.


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he tried to get a new job (he currently owns his own business) and he hasn't gotten hired.
His problem not yours once you get out.


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As for the daughter -- I was SO angry and hurt. I haven't told anyone about what I heard.
I'm sorry it is super hurtful. You've been heard and I regret she seems as toxic as her father.


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I know my partner would say that I made it up -- and his daughter would deny it.
THIS RIGHT HERE ^^^^ should tell you all you need to know to leave. That is not how a wife or partner should be treated, ever.


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It hurts...

I know it sucks.


As for whether or not it is abusive - it certainly sounds like it. Although to me abuse identifies a pattern, not an individual incident, from your description it sounds like this was not some extenuated single incident (such as a harsh outburst after the loss of a family member, etc)..


An important thing, even if others or a professional wouldn't label it as 'abuse' - its ****ty. And it is enough that it is ****ty for you to leave.


Best wishes and prayers
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Old 12th February 2019, 1:16 PM   #9
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Thank you --

Actually, it's a theme in our relationship. He likes to say that all of the problems are from me. My attitude. My quietness -- My travel for work (which I rarely do anymore).

Could you leave just before Valentine's Day? I just don't know how to handle it... I know he's made plans for a massage for us.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 12th February 2019 at 3:27 PM.. Reason: Redact quote of prior post
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Old 12th February 2019, 1:21 PM   #10
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If you were my sister I would tell you to have a lease signed on a new apartment (or arrangements to move in with family, etc.) and have a moving truck rented by Saturday and tell him to go stuff himself for Vday and to be your own Valentine.


Are you OK with how he treats you because if he gets you a massage?


I know it is all hard and painful, but I wouldn't give him a chance to suck you back in.
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Old 12th February 2019, 1:27 PM   #11
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It's all complicated ---

He started taking free lance work near my old home. I still have it because I really wanted to move back there. 2.5 hours away. HE was trying to get a job there -- but wasn't thrilled about it.

He didn't get the job -- but started taking this freelance. So we have plans to go stay at my place starting tomorrow....until the weekend.

I guess I just deal with it next week...

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 12th February 2019 at 3:28 PM.. Reason: Quote of prior post redacted
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Old 12th February 2019, 1:31 PM   #12
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I think you know that this is not how a lasting, healthy and happy marriage starts.

If things are already crumbling - marriage will most likely make it all worse.

I agree with the other poster, I think you should start making arrangements to extract yourself from the situation. I know it’s a huge let down, emotionally draining etc.

But honestly relationships shouldn’t be THIS HARD.
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Old 12th February 2019, 1:37 PM   #13
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I'm just deep in it -- it almost seems like the norm for us now. There are good days that keep me holding on....and obviously there are plenty of bad.

It's just that I'm always the one he blames. I don't know too many people who sit on their laptop working from after dinner to 1am in the morning -- and expect their spouse to feel good about it.

For the longest time I would just sit with him -- watch TV and drink wine .... and if I fell ASLEEP he would say it was my fault
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Old 12th February 2019, 1:40 PM   #14
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Gently - everything is always a bit 'complicated' - don't let that become an excuse. Its not that complicated. Not so complicated you can't deal with it as millions do every day.


Be strong, everyone here send kind thoughts.


Maybe letting him give you a lackluster and unimpressive Vday will help you break free, which he may well ruin half intentionally - he is not putting much effort into the R from the sounds of things.


I Wouldn't let him move in or stay in your place with the relationship in such disastrous state. That would be inviting more disaster, entanglement and abuse given his behavior.
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Old 12th February 2019, 1:43 PM   #15
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I'm just deep in it -- it almost seems like the norm for us now. There are good days that keep me holding on....and obviously there are plenty of bad.

It's just that I'm always the one he blames. I don't know too many people who sit on their laptop working from after dinner to 1am in the morning -- and expect their spouse to feel good about it.

For the longest time I would just sit with him -- watch TV and drink wine .... and if I fell ASLEEP he would say it was my fault

This may seem confusing as you probably have some image in your mind as him being some great guy - but people are accountable for their actions and their actions define and show who they are.


Read your post as if it was from your little sister or a daughter.


He is not some great catch, just some **** who can and should be replaced because he is not kind enough and invested enough.
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