Author liladavis662 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 I blame myself. Certainly I'm the first to come here and say every story has 2 sides -- so I'm trying to get VERY fair advice. I don't think he's having an affair with his assistant -- but I do hate his defensive attitude around her. The daughter? She hates me because he got arrested early on in our relationship. I was married for 15 years to a very quiet and stable man. I met my current fiance-- he's latin -- surgeon. I had never known anyone to be so loud and aggressive. We had a fight and I was concerned that he would do something bad to me. I tried to leave and he wouldn't let me (he was trying to save relationship) and I called 911. While I told police I didnt' want him arrested --- they arrested him anyway for failure to let me call 911. When that happened -- his family found out -- and he trashed me etc. etc. So everytime someone in his family doesn't like me or does something...he always says...well, they don't trust you because you got their dad arrested. So -- I don't know. NOW I don't believe he would actively hurt me (physically) and I've come to get used to his anger and loud aggression/emotional abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Why do you stay with him? I wouldn't tolerate the cameras/spying. Not at all. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 I've come to get used to his ... abuse. You don't have to. Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Get away from this guy. He's already hurting you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author liladavis662 Posted February 12, 2019 Author Share Posted February 12, 2019 I've heard a LOT about what i've done wrong. So let me just say this.. This is what I think he would say to justify the equation. It's a NEST security camera. It's sold at Home depot -- people use these not stop in their homes. Why is he any different? It's normal to monitor your own home. So let me just be fair with that -- becasue when he says this stuff (maybe it's the abuse) I immediately try to justify it ... Get away from this guy. He's already hurting you. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 You have your own house and no kids with him. Free yourself and be done entirely with him this weekend. Get a moving truck, friend with a van, contact family whatever and be done with it. You can do this. Strongly suggest you seek IC to discover why you tolerated this relationship for so long. If you already have an IC and they haven't been helping you strongly in this direction - fire them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 I've heard a LOT about what i've done wrong. So let me just say this.. This is what I think he would say to justify the equation. It's a NEST security camera. It's sold at Home depot -- people use these not stop in their homes. Why is he any different? It's normal to monitor your own home. So let me just be fair with that -- becasue when he says this stuff (maybe it's the abuse) I immediately try to justify it ... Tell him to set it up so you can push a button to activate it when you leave the house. If he insists on monitoring YOU, get the heck out of that relationship. To answer your initial question, no I wouldn't be ok for myself, my friends or my family. Here are some books to check out: Controlling People by Patricia Evans Why Does He DO That? by Lundy Bancroft Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 this is one of the creepiest things I've heard of, and I've seen a lot. Admit it, you are staying with this creep because of the lifestyle and status it gives you. When you're ready to reclaim yourself, when you've truly reached the bottom, you will find the strength to leave. Hopefully, you'll still have something of your soul left. good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 It's a NEST security camera. It's sold at Home depot -- people use these not stop in their homes. Why is he any different? It's normal to monitor your own home. Are you sure there's not another camera, perhaps more stealth and on a different system, in the bedroom? The only people I know viewing security cameras the way you describe use them to monitor their pets. Draw your own conclusions... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 (edited) Wow, I am flabbergasted. WHY IN THE WORD ARE YOU CONSIDERING MARRYING THIS MAN?!? I am mean SERIOUSLY! I read your other thread and was concerned that this was an unhealthy relationship - now this? This is crazy, this is no way to live, this is no way to allow someone to treat you. This is not what you should be signing up for the REST OF YOUR LIFE for. He is abusive -you have said it yourself! Holy moly. No recording you is not okay. Screaming in your face is not okay. Gas lighting you is not okay. Telling you that you are the source of all of the problems is not okay. Ease dropping on you is not okay. Making you so scared that you call 911 IS NOT OKAY. You know what a common detonator here is? He has no respect for you. Why do you love, and want to marry a man who does not respect you? Thats the question you should be asking. Why do you allow yourself to be treated like this? Why have you settled for this? And second wife? So this will be his 3rd marriage? As in statistically has a 73% chance of ending in divorce? Do you really think that the 27% that stand the test start out as rocky and dysfunctional as this? Personally, I would never for a moment tolerate being recorded in my own home. NOT FOR A MOMENT! Why do you accept this? Why do you believe that you deserve to be abused? Edited February 12, 2019 by RecentChange Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 So bottom line -- in a normal relationship -- how would you feel if your spouse had a nest camera system and watched you while at home? He will be at work -- and just yesterday-- I tried to turn off the camera while I was in the living room. I think he got a notification and I saw that he turned it back on and continued the recording. Again -- I have access to it -- but I NEVER check it. He is constantly watching me or listening in to my conversations. These things do not happen in normal relationships. This is a controlling and abusive relationship, not a "normal" healthy relationship. And he can record you 24/7, but you can't record him verbally abusing you. Got it... do you think that sounds right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 It's been 4 and a half years. I just feel like I've changed my entire life (changed jobs and careers for him).... I don't know how to start over. Every relationship I've personally seen with this dynamic has turned out poorly, for obvious reasons. One partner simply has more equity in the deal than the other and there's an imbalance that affects most interactions. It's commonly said here "he who cares the least has the most power" and you're proving that correct. Your BF, who's changed or sacrificed nothing, has very little stake in your happiness. You, having jumped through every hoop, clearly see success tied to his satisfaction. If I had to chose to be one of you, I'd be him, much less emotionally on my plate. And it's always nice to let someone else do the heavy lifting. The whole thing with his daughter is a red herring. If she disappeared tomorrow, would things be any better between the two of you? You have some decisions to make... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 This video camera thing is super creepy. Get the police involved while you’re packing. Perhaps you can pretend to spend a few days back home and just take the essential things. Change your lock. Make sure to have a secure alarm system. Alert the police. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Okay, so this man also has anger issue (surprise surprise!). Had he been arrested before the time you called the police? Has he been disciplined by the medical board? It might be why he couldn’t find a good place to hire him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author liladavis662 Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 I asked him to stop with the recording of me. He said no. He won't allow me to control him and that he doesn't listen to all of my conversations but the fact that I'm so worried makes him wonder what i'm so concerned about. No I don't believe any cameras in the bedroom.... Are you sure there's not another camera, perhaps more stealth and on a different system, in the bedroom? The only people I know viewing security cameras the way you describe use them to monitor their pets. Draw your own conclusions... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author liladavis662 Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) When I met him...he was very paranoid about everything -- burglars etc. He just made me thing this is how he is...and that it's not anything personal. But as time went on -- I finally realized this was a recording of ME.... to monitor what I was doing and what I was saying. I work remotely and often work at the kitchen bar...and that's on camera. But it's tough -- tonight he told me he won't turn the cameras off and if I really want them off -- there's something wrong with my actions. He says he doesn't have a problem being recorded...why do i? Personally, I would never for a moment tolerate being recorded in my own home. NOT FOR A MOMENT! Why do you accept this? Why do you believe that you deserve to be abused? Edited February 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator edited quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author liladavis662 Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 No he hasn't been arrested before or disciplined by the medical board. He says all of his problems came from me and the fact that I kept telling people about our issues and said that he believes I blew them up and tried to be a "victim". He can't get a good place to hire him currently because his arrest (with me) was in the newspapaer. That may not be the ENTIRE reason but he blames me 1000 percent. Okay, so this man also has anger issue (surprise surprise!). Had he been arrested before the time you called the police? Has he been disciplined by the medical board? It might be why he couldn’t find a good place to hire him. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Okay, just a few things I wanted to comment on. First you say you know he wouldn't be cheating on you with the assistant.. You say she is fat, married with kids and your boyfriend is not attracted to her. But you also say in your first post that you have never met her so how do you know so much about her? Is this what he tells you? Secondly, his daughter's low opinion of you is coming from him. He is saying things to her that is giving her a false impression of you. This can be done very subtly. I've had an ex do this to me. He didn't come right out and bad mouth me but he'd drop the occasional snide statement or say something completely false pertaining to me and gave other people a really warped perception of what was really going on in our relationship. Lastly recording you, listening in on your conversations, watching you on camera is totally creepy and completely unacceptable. Not to mention how awful he talks to you. I feel like you can't see the forest for the trees. You live with this so you have normalized it and you defend him but it's not normal or defensible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheRainbow Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Need to get some perspective here. My fiancé and I have struggled. He’s recently told me that I need to make changes in my behavior. I don’t look “happy” and that I can be too demanding. SO here it goes: Why is it all on you to change? If he is not happy with how you are? He can either discuss it with you, change his own behavior or leave. Watching you on a camera is controlling. My husband has every reason not to trust me, or want me to change how I am, and even the idea of taping me has never crossed his mind. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) When I met him...he was very paranoid about everything -- burglars etc. He just made me thing this is how he is...and that it's not anything personal. But as time went on -- I finally realized this was a recording of ME.... to monitor what I was doing and what I was saying. I work remotely and often work at the kitchen bar...and that's on camera. But it's tough -- tonight he told me he won't turn the cameras off and if I really want them off -- there's something wrong with my actions. He says he doesn't have a problem being recorded...why do i? It’s not “tough” - you just simply tolerate a Huge amount of bull ****. And he knows it. He knows he can control you. He knows he can manipulate you. He knows he can gaslight you. He knows he can make you doubt yourself. What I can’t understand is why you allow this. Did your father abuse your mother? Was your ex abusive? Is his money worth all of this? For some reason, you are allowing him to take control over you. I just do not know why. But I can tell you it’s not normal nor healthy, and you will never be happy in this situation. My guess is that he will keep tearing you down until you hate yourself so much you no longer resist, and simply do what he says like a beaten dog. Edited February 13, 2019 by RecentChange Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 OP: You mentioned you don’t have friends and hobbies. Did he do anything to isolate you? How about your own family? Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 NEST security cameras tend to be something people with nannies, babysitters, pet sitters, housecleaners, handymen, etc use. Not something that partners use to spy on one another in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 I met my current fiance-- he's latin -- surgeon. I had never known anyone to be so loud and aggressive. Due to all the PC nonsense in today's world, I won't comment except to say that I'm not surprised at all, and I'll just leave it at that. I tried to leave and he wouldn't let me (he was trying to save relationship) and I called 911. While I told police I didnt' want him arrested --- they arrested him anyway for failure to let me call 911. Stop making excuses for this abusive POS. He wasn't trying to 'save' ANY relationship. He was trying to CONTROL the situation by refusing to let you leave. And then he turns around and completely disrespects you to his family rather than owning his behavior. And you chose to stay with him after that horrific level of disrespect. I'm sorry, but at one time you were a victim of this POS. But those days are long gone. You became - and continue to be - a full fledged volunteer. As Dr. Phil says, everyone has their 'currency.' But for the LIFE of me, I can't figure out what your payoff is in staying with this person. There isn't ONE positive thing he brings to the table. Not one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 OP, it appears that your fiance's wealth is enough to make you tolerate abuse from him. Marry for money and you will earn every cent. It sounds like you are already paying a heavy price for being with this abusive man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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