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I cheated on my fiance and can't win him back


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Old 22nd October 2018, 7:03 PM   #1
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I cheated on my fiance and can't win him back

So a little back story. I met the love of my life 5 years ago and have been head over heels about them since. My life was perfect, and I knew this was the man I wanted to marry, have children and grow old with. He was everything I wanted and more. He was tall, dark and handsome... yet very charming and we could talk hours on end. He was well educated, sophisticated and funny.



Due to his business, he was gone a lot, but I was eager like a puppy every time he was gonna come home off a business trip. He knows my best friends and had proposed to me in the sweetest way. Well, he knows my best friend and was, despite being raised in a religious household, nonjudgmental of of her and her past. Even though he was a nonpracticing member of his faith, I wanted him to know of my progressive views and my very Liberal and progressive friends. The reason why I brought up my friend is her and her husband will be a very important part of this story.


Throughout high school my friend and I were close because my parents were and still are super poor, and when we went homeless, my friend and her family was there to help. My friend for longest time thought she was a lesbian before falling in love with her now ex. My friends and I had always thought she was straight but never found the right guy. We knew however that once she found her first boyfriend that the guy was a complete jerk, and sure enough when she had put on weight, he was a very controlling, manipulative person and the break up was very ugly. It took years for her to move on, but eventually she met a guy online who even though he was not conventionally attractive, he treated her right, they soon fell in love and he moved over here to marry her. I was super happy for my friend.



Well, she would tell me of her various friends and how different people were envious of her and her husband's relationship and various women wanted to be the 3rd in their marriage. They would always decline stating they were monogamous and that my friend is no longer curious about her sexuality. Mind you, they would tell me this when I would go over to go drink with them.



One day when my fiance was out for a trip, I was over at my friends drinking to get a little tipsy like usual, when she for some reason brought up having a threesome and I laughed it off as a joke because I thought she was straight and I felt that we were having this awkward conversation because it was fueled by alcohol. She wasn't and she kissed me. Her husband, who was also drunk, came back from using the restroom and joined in. I don't know why I didn't stop it, but went along with it (part of me was missing my fiance in more than one way and I was longing for him). One thing led to another and we all woke up the next day in their bedroom. I was mortified and my friend acted surprised and kept apologizing. Her husband also apologized stating he blacked out and they both knew that this relationship meant everything to me and suggested keeping this a secret.



I didn't know how to tell my fiance, and he knew something was off when we talked on the phone but I kept lying. I ended up finding out I was pregnant, and I knew that he was not the father. When he came home, I wanted to sleep with him, but he always strongly suggested using a condom and I kept pushing since we planned on getting married anyways, to not worry. He said he didn't want an unplanned pregnancy and we fought and I said some very horrible things out of desperation (I know, it was wrong now to try and pass off this other man's baby as his). I was planning on telling him what had happened, but he found out.



At first we talked about having an abortion, but we both felt that it wasn't the unborn child's fault that this had happened. After a heated argument instigated by my fiance to my friend and her husband, and at times him almost beating the crap out of her hubby, they stated that they (since she was having difficulties having children) would adopt the child. They knew he was upset and apologized profusely. He asked if this is what I wanted and I agreed so I didn't lose him.



As time went on, I really fell in love with the baby boy growing inside of me. Each passing day made it harder and harder to think about giving him up. I fought with him a few times entertaining the idea that I at least got to visit my son once born and have him at least know who his real mom was, but my fiance was greatly opposed to it. At one point, I even threatened to leave which shockingly he didn't fight for me.



Unbeknown to me, my fiance was actually planning out something very detailed and cruel that has left me in my current situation. The week of my due date, he gave me an ultimatum that the kid is either adopted and treated like 100% my friend's kid and it's all of our little secret, or that I keep the kid, we move but I have to have my friends block me. I foolishly agreed to the latter since I was now in love with the idea of being a mommy and my friends respected our decision and blocked me from all social media.



We decided to move very far to a location where we knew no one. I was determined to be the best mom I can be as well as make it up to my fiance who I was under the impression would be my future husband by making him the happiest man alive and by being a much more attentive, better significant other. I also believed that before officially getting married we'd take couple's counseling.



The child was born and I had a gut feeling something was off. After recovering from the hospital and due to come home with a very healthy son, all the locks were changed and he had lied to authorities that I was crazy and even hired a lawyer to get a restraining order against me. He told me that he wasn't going to be humiliated like this and become a cuck to a bast*rd child and that he always knew my friends were a bunch of creeps. He immediately disconnected my line from his service and left me with a huge medical bill, no job, no home, and took possession of the car he helped get for me and sold it, so now I have no transportation.


I tried to reason with him but had the cops escort me off of his new home. I just don't know what to do and I feel that my world is falling apart. My parents is too poor to assist me and I have no way of contacting my best friend. I just don't know what to do because I don't want to have my son starving and the homeless shelter that I'm currently in is miles away from various places that I can start working.



I just don't know what to do, I'm hurt, scared, and felt that karma has gotten the best of me. Some of the people that I have talked to had suggested drug dealing or becoming an escort to make end's meat and slowly pay off my hospital bill.


Should I try to patch things off with my ex since he's the best shot at my little one and I's survival?
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Old 22nd October 2018, 7:26 PM   #2
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I hear some people have good luck with "Go Fund Me" pages.
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Old 22nd October 2018, 7:27 PM   #3
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Quote:
I have no way of contacting my best friend.
Reverse the block on your friends. Find someone on Facebook who knows them to get the message through to them. Use social media to help you find them. The child's father needs to know... where does he work? They've got either a facebook presence or a website. Find contact information there.


Quote:
I just don't know what to do, I'm hurt, scared, and felt that karma has gotten the best of me. Some of the people that I have talked to had suggested drug dealing or becoming an escort to make end's meat and slowly pay off my hospital bill.
Do everything in your power to stay off your back, off the pole and off drugs. You're just going to be working harder than you've ever had to before to get away from this unforced error on your part.

In the meantime, you need to contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline to find out of they can help get you off the street first. Google that--we can't post outside links to things here.

Quote:
Should I try to patch things off with my ex since he's the best shot at my little one and I's survival?

Right now, this ball is in his court and going by what he's done so far, I wouldn't count on him for anything.

You're asking him to walk off you cutting him in two. Your motivation will look like you weren't prepared for the fallout of your actions.

I can't argue with his "scorched earth/you're going to pay" attitude right now. This wound is fresh, the child isn't his and he's got the financial upper hand, so you need to put anything thought of reconciliation out of your head for the foreseeable future.

If you go for fast money, make sure you can always look your child in the eye and not flinch from their reproach because babies don't stay babies.


Quote:
Well, she would tell me of her various friends and how different people were envious of her and her husband's relationship and various women wanted to be the 3rd in their marriage.

Pro tip: The next time this ever comes up in your life ever again? It's called "taking your temperature". She wanted to see if you will push back and by how much. Because you didn't express to her that you weren't bi or the monogamous type when it comes to other people's marriages/relationships, she filed this in the back her mind for when she brings it up to her husband that you're most likely game with a few drinks.


That there was when all of this could have been avoided.
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If the person you're with treats you in any way other than well, and you keep sticking around trying to make it work, you're no longer a victim of what they're doing--you're a volunteer. ~ Derrick Jaxn

Last edited by kendahke; 22nd October 2018 at 7:48 PM..
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Old 22nd October 2018, 8:22 PM   #4
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Find your friends on social media and get out of there. Start new accounts if needed.

You are the mother to another man's child. He is not going to forgive you. You could possibly end up a statistic if you keep messing with him. Nobody in their right mind carries out a plan like what he has done to you. Although I'm sure you have ****ed his head UP with what you did to him.

Don't strip to pay a hospital bill. That's ridiculous. Let the hospital bill go to collections, it's the least of your worries.

Get a job and take care of yourself and your child. Don't depend on anyone for your survival. Help and assistance is great but if you sit around and expect a man to take care of you, your life is at the mercy of someone else's wants and needs.

Find local agencies or a church to help you get back on your feet. Communities have assistance, you just have to ask around to find it.

You messed up, sorry. It's probably not reversable. Make a new life with the child you chose.
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Old 23rd October 2018, 6:54 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by Cryingandlost View Post
Should I try to patch things off with my ex since he's the best shot at my little one and I's survival?
Sad story ....

To answer your direct question, I think not. I don't believe your ex has any interest in ever having anything to do with you again. Not only did you cheat on him, but you also lied about the paternity of the child. Strikes one and two in a game where that's all you get. My guess is the lie probably made him more angry than the cheating. FWIW IMO he was way over the top with the cruelty. I don't see myself doing what he did but then again I don't know how he feels in this own mind about the betrayal.

Your ex is not the best shot at your little one's survival. The child's father is. My suggestion is your first step is to get in touch with your 'friend' and her husband. Wherever you are I'd think a local church or social agency could help with that. As far as your hospital bills, when you get in touch with the father you'll find out what his friendship is really worth. Really the paths of the rest of your life and that of your son's will depend on the integrity of your friend and her husband. I hope for your sake, they are up to the challenge.

Edit: BTW in my world of personal responsibility, though you are guilty as well, your friend and her husband are responsible to and for your son and you as well. You may or may not have the good fortune to someday find a man who is 'right' for you. But until you do, I believe they should provide you emotional support and help you 'be' in your son's life.

P.S. Unless you want to go deeper into the hole you're in, a) never drink with them again and b) never sleep with the husband again.

Last edited by nospam99; 23rd October 2018 at 7:04 AM..
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Old 23rd October 2018, 7:37 AM   #6
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Op, this is a very unfortunate situation. Please please please, take Kendahke's advice.

Make a new account on social media and contact the child's dad. If you make a new account, you won't be blocked and will be able to contact him. I hope and pray that you can get back on your feet soon.

Last edited by LoverOfDance; 23rd October 2018 at 7:40 AM..
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Old 23rd October 2018, 8:07 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cryingandlost View Post

Should I try to patch things off with my ex since he's the best shot at my little one and I's survival?
No, he doesn't want you. You have to make a life for you and your son. Even if your parents are poor you could still move in with them and get federal benefits for your son. Food stamps, medical and a check for your child. You can live off of that until you get a job. Where are you staying now? BTW, they say revenge is best served cold but what your ex did to you was freezing. He must be a Scorpio.

Last edited by stillafool; 23rd October 2018 at 8:10 AM..
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Old 23rd October 2018, 1:16 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Cryingandlost View Post
Unbeknownst to me, my fiance was actually planning out something very detailed and cruel that has left me in my current situation.
He royally screwed you over and you want him back?! If he had any integrity at all he break up with you after he finding out your cheated on him, instead of this elaborate plan to drag you out to the middle of no where and abandon you. I should be thankful I'm not your father, if I found out someone did this to my Daughter, there be a sallow unmarked grave in the woods with his body in it.

This guy is vindictive in the worst way, the only good thing to come out of this situation, is he showed you his true colors, who knows what kind of controlling Husband he would have turned out to be. Get to a women's domestic abuse shelter, reconnect with your social support circle and move on. Your far better off without him.
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Old 23rd October 2018, 1:19 PM   #9
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Yea, if I was engaged and my gal got knocked up by someone one else that would be a permanent deal breaker.
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Old 23rd October 2018, 1:26 PM   #10
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Also don't just assume that this other guy is your child's father, get a paternity test, condoms are to 100% fool proof, what a justice there would be if it turned out is was your ex-fiance child all along, then go for the max child support you can get, make sure the judge knows how he abandoned you at the hospital.
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Old 23rd October 2018, 1:52 PM   #11
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He is completely entitled to cut ties with you.
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Old 23rd October 2018, 4:46 PM   #12
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Collect call your friend & have them pay for you to come back. Cut ties with your FI. He's a cruel person. He had ever right to break up with you but to strand you like that is unconscionable. He is not a good person.

Do get a paternity test. If the baby is his, make sure you get every dime of child support & make sure any judge hearing the case knows what he did & said
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Old 23rd October 2018, 5:01 PM   #13
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Your ex-fiance is the injured party here, not you. I doubt he'll want anything to do with you after what you've done.

Your child should be your #1 priority.

Would you be willing to give him up to your friends?

Can you go live with your parents until you can get a job and back on your feet?
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Old 23rd October 2018, 5:15 PM   #14
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Put on your big girl pants [] and start making a plan for you and your child. You need to grab yourself by the shoulders and start being an independent adult. Find a job, any job, call your parents and make a plan. Get a paternity test. If it's his he is obligated to pay child support. If it's not his, go after the other guy. Sorry to be harsh, but this is no time for you to be focusing on anything except what's best for the child and you and becoming independent and strong for your child. And, given the way he left you, I don't think he's going to be much of a role model for the child even if it's his.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 23rd October 2018 at 5:25 PM..
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Old 23rd October 2018, 5:25 PM   #15
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Create an alternative social media account with your name (or first name and middle, whatever) so that your friends will recognize you and contact them.

Go to true people search dot com if, for whatever reason, your second social media account can't get in touch with your friends. Often you can find people's contact info on there (some of it can be old, but fairly reliable) if they haven't taken their profiles down.

Contact your county's social services agency and explore your options. You may very well qualify for some kind of benefits program. Also see if you can talk to a local pastor and if they would mind taking up a collections effort for you or can point you to a local soup kitchen/provide assistance with food.

Get a paternity test and be sure. And do not even think about getting back with your ex. While you were no saint, his actions were calculated and had complete disregard for the life of the innocent bystander (your child). Not that he's obligated to care, but ensuring you were cut off from any means of support without shelter in the middle of no where during a time where you should be recovering from childbirth is beyond typical retribution. He is likely the type of person that will not only never forgive you but always hold this over your head and make you eternally pay for it even if you reconciled. The dynamic would be extremely unhealthy.
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