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4 years later/both [former affair] partners left marriages [new proposal]


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Old 6th August 2018, 5:08 PM   #1
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4 years later/both [former affair] partners left marriages [new proposal]

I donít really know how to begin this thread....
Although my OM and I both left our marriages and have a great relationship, it has been my experience that there has been more pain than gain. I have persistant guilt, and too many things have been shattered. I have let my ex husband know how remorseful i am, and he actually has been respectful and decent even after all i put him through.
My current relationship included a recent proposal. I was very happy and thought i could move forward; but my youngest daughter has now disowned me and is very angry. She is 21 and will not accept the OM in my life-.
Any advice from people out there is greAtly appreciated
Do i move forward and get married hoping it will one dAy change? I am truly heartbroken in this current situaton
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Old 6th August 2018, 6:00 PM   #2
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You should make your choice independent of what your daughter thinks or says. If you’re happy with your new boyfriend, then accept the M proposal, if you’re not, then think twice about it. It’s like any other relationship - if you’re not sure, don’t do it.

As far as children are concerned, i believe that they really shouldn’t have any input in their parents’ love life. As long as they’re very well taken care of, that is. If you are a mother with half a brain, and a loving mother in addition to that, then your decisions will – for the most part – be based on what’s best for the kids anyways.

In your particular case, the children are adults, and so I don’t think that you “owe” them anything any longer. You’ve raised them well. And now it’s time to make your decisions for your own happiness. Whether or not that involves your boyfriend, aka former OM, that should be entirely up to you.
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Old 6th August 2018, 6:19 PM   #3
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Kids sometimes can be very judgmental about affairs, especially if they feel that they personally were lied to, or that their lives were unreasonably disrupted.

It's difficult, because you can't and shouldn't let your daughter hold your life hostage to her whims, but at the same time, you want to show her that you love her and always will. Which probably means that you have to keep reaching out at regular intervals, knowing that she is going to slap your hand away and huff about it, because it's important to keep offering and to show that you won't just give up on her.

She's 21, she probably wasn't going to be living at home with you anyway.
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Old 7th August 2018, 3:49 AM   #4
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I would say that you need your ex husband on board for this, your daughter will or may take her lead from how he is dealing with it. My son heard chapter and verse when my H told me he had been having an A, my first thought was for his and his Dad to continue to have a great relationship so asked him to go hug his Dad and tell him he loved him. he did and they still have a great relationship (so do I and my H).

Your daughter may not accept your partner, not right away, but time is a great healer. I would sit down with her or write her a letter, let her know that you love her, that you and her father once had a loving relationship, but that things happen. That you still love her, want her to, if not accept your partner, to at least try to rebuild your and her relationship. Then it is up to her. You cannot put your life on hold forever. I hope it works out for you all.
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Old 7th August 2018, 9:35 AM   #5
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It's hard. I have a friend who had an affair and ended her marriage to be with her affair partner. They have several children between them and their responses have ranged from being oblivious to not speaking to their parent. The stress of the affair and the other changes they have experienced as their parents divorced and established new home/new relationships has affected their grades and their happiness. Several of the kids have gone for counselling because they were struggling with stress and anxiety.

Personally and for my group of friends, we have struggled to accept this new relationship. He is a very nice man and they seem to be happy together, but I find myself keeping some distance. Although I am glad that my friend found happiness, I don't trust her in the same way that I did before the affair... I look at her differently now. My heart hurts for her husband and her children. It's fine but it's just not the same, something has been lost.

Time is a healer. Try to be sensitive to your daughters feelings and give her time. I'm sure it will all come together and be good again, but it will never be the same.
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Old 7th August 2018, 1:59 PM   #6
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I am not sure what you would expect...

Quote:
Originally Posted by theperfectlife View Post
I donít really know how to begin this thread....
Although my OM and I both left our marriages and have a great relationship, it has been my experience that there has been more pain than gain. I have persistant guilt, and too many things have been shattered. I have let my ex husband know how remorseful i am, and he actually has been respectful and decent even after all i put him through.
My current relationship included a recent proposal. I was very happy and thought i could move forward; but my youngest daughter has now disowned me and is very angry. She is 21 and will not accept the OM in my life-.
Any advice from people out there is greAtly appreciated
Do i move forward and get married hoping it will one dAy change? I am truly heartbroken in this current situaton
You know, I do hope that all of this can work out. I really do.

But honestly, what did you expect? You blew up two families, and you know you broke them up, because you were selfish and you could have maybe worked on your marriage.

You did this. Your daughter does not have a family because of you.

I know it hurts but when you get married to the other cheater, you will deserve each other.

You know, my cheating wife, really got pissed when I filed and started spending my weekends with one of my GF's at the time.

I will never understand why she reacted that way.

WHAT DID SHE EXPECT...
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Old 7th August 2018, 3:08 PM   #7
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You can move forward, but you shouldn't expect anything to change.
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Old 7th August 2018, 4:54 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theperfectlife View Post
I donít really know how to begin this thread....
Although my OM and I both left our marriages and have a great relationship, it has been my experience that there has been more pain than gain. I have persistent guilt, and too many things have been shattered.
Given the "more pain than gain", "persistent guilt" and "many things have been shattered", why would you want to get married right now?

Doesn't sound like a recipe for success...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 7th August 2018, 6:15 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
Given the "more pain than gain", "persistent guilt" and "many things have been shattered", why would you want to get married right now?

Doesn't sound like a recipe for success...

Mr. Lucky
This, and a daughter that was not speaking with me... Well, that's not exactly how I would want to start a new marriage... Give it more time.
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Old 7th August 2018, 9:30 PM   #10
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I just read you threads,you cheated 3 times,he has forgiven you and then you leave him ? not judging you but if i was the daughter i would react exactly the same way.You will need their father on your side but since he seems so decent and all even after your betrayal i guess he will talk to your daughter if you ask him
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Old 7th August 2018, 9:41 PM   #11
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My daughter was talking to me before the proposal, just refused to ever meet my new man because she knows he was the OM while married to her dad. I have apologized, shown remorse, and been there for her as much as she will allow. I suppose i had hopes that would eventually change. 4 years have passed, but I didnt realize the extent to which she would react.
I am trying to move forward and be happy without beating myself up every day
of my life
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Old 7th August 2018, 9:53 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theperfectlife View Post
My daughter was talking to me before the proposal, just refused to ever meet my new man because she knows he was the OM while married to her dad. I have apologized, shown remorse, and been there for her as much as she will allow. I suppose i had hopes that would eventually change. 4 years have passed, but I didnt realize the extent to which she would react.
I am trying to move forward and be happy without beating myself up every day
of my life
yes you want her to accept him eventually but he will always be the OM who caused pain to her father and broke up his parents.so no need to try,she will talk to you isnt that enough? i guess marriage made her angry because now it will be official and harder to ignore him
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Old 7th August 2018, 10:46 PM   #13
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Dear theperfectlife,

How do you expect your daughter react to the man whom her mother had an affair and broken up her family. I hope your affair and new life was worth the pain and destruction it caused for many of your loved ones.

Dreamer
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Old 7th August 2018, 11:27 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theperfectlife View Post
I am trying to move forward and be happy without beating myself up every day of my life
Part of that is being in touch with your state of mind and emotional needs. I'm with Bailey, seems like it would make sense to wait until it doesn't feel quite so forced. Your certainly have a right to your own happiness - as does your daughter...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 12th August 2018, 1:29 PM   #15
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2 weeks since proposal, youngest daughter still ignoring my texts. I would be relieved at this point if she and I could have a relationship again, even if she never meets my man. However i dont know how fulfilled i will be if she never lets me see her children one day(that is one of her threats). I donít think i will return the ring....not in a rush to tie the knot! In counseling again, will give it time. Thoughts?
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