4 years later/both [former affair] partners left marriages [new proposal]

[LivingWaterPlease]

Here is what I would do in your place. It will seem radical to many, I'm sure.

 

I would move out of the bf's house into my own place.

 

I would go to my ex-husband and admit the wrong and ask forgiveness of him. I would express my gratitude and admiration to him for his kindness toward me in treating me decently throughout the ordeal. I would also ask him if he would like to try to put the marriage back together. He'll probably say he doesn't want to. But, if he does I would try to do it.

 

No matter what the exH says I would ask my daughter to meet me because I want to talk with her. I would then explain what a mistake I had made by dishonoring the institution of marriage and in doing so hurting her, her father, and other family members. I would ask her forgiveness, express my love for her and my regret for letting her down. I would also explain that I've asked forgiveness from God and I would express to her that from this point forward I want to honor God's ways for families. I would also explain to her that I had asked her father for forgiveness.

 

I would evaluate my life and the way I was living it, deciding to honor God and all others with honesty, humility and selflessness. I would allow my daughter to observe this behavior and my contrition for however long she needed to do so.

 

I would realize it will take a long time to rebuild my relationship with my daughter and I would pray daily that God would soften her heart, heal her, and put His love around her.

 

Not sure what I'd do about the bf (fiance). I believe I'd take a break from him, but not sure. Of course, if the exH wanted to try to put the marriage back together that would mean the bf would be out of the picture.

[theperfectlife]

My relationship with my daughter was rocky right before and especially after the divorce. She lived with her Dad, hasnt spent a night with me in 4 years. She also avoided my side of the family the first year after DDAY because she was angry at them for supporting me. She then chose to forgive me, but told me she would never meet the OM. I pay half her college tuition, help her plan for her future, have gotten her jobs, etc. Before the engagement, we would shop, get pedicures, plan parties, meet for lunch, etc.

I have one other daughter, my oldest who is almost 24. She lives with us and accepts my relationship. I wouldnt say she is super close with my OM but wants to see me happy i think. However, this fact will not sway her sister’s feelings

[DKT3]

Decisions we make in life have consequences. When it comes to things like affairs those consequences impact far more people then the affair partners.

 

Could be you will never have a relationship with your daughter again, credit to affair. That's all done now, no sense in beating yourself up about quitting on your marriage or the damage it's done to those affected by the decision to get involved in the first place.

 

Some will say you can't or shouldn't bend to the will of you kids. In general I agree, however, in a situation like this, the truth is you are asking your daughter to accept the thing that was a source of great pain for her. Pain that you created.

 

Here is my thinking, you've already lost alot because of this decision to be with this guy, is it worth it? Is it worth not being involved with your future grandchildren? Truth is, you can get another man who will be good to you, one in which you wouldn't have to deal with the guilt and run the risk of losing more. You can never replace that daughter. Is it worth it to make a stand and run the risk? If so then stay, and hope that your daughter comes around. But if she doesn't??? Is it worth it?

[BaileyB]

My relationship with my daughter was rocky right before and especially after the divorce. She lived with her Dad, hasnt spent a night with me in 4 years. She also avoided my side of the family the first year after DDAY because she was angry at them for supporting me. She then chose to forgive me, but told me she would never meet the OM. I pay half her college tuition, help her plan for her future, have gotten her jobs, etc. Before the engagement, we would shop, get pedicures, plan parties, meet for lunch, etc.

I have one other daughter, my oldest who is almost 24. She lives with us and accepts my relationship. I wouldnt say she is super close with my OM but wants to see me happy i think. However, this fact will not sway her sister’s feelings

 

I would say, that is perhaps a difference in ages/the wisdom of a little life experience and most definitely, a difference in personality.

 

It’s obviously going to take a long, long time for your daughter to accept your relationship. The engagementust feel like adding insult to injury... you were doing the right things to rebuild the relationship, but this has clearly brought back the pain and betrayal... Sadly, you are now starting all over again.

 

I personally wouldn’t end things with the OM. As hard as it will be, your daughter needs to learn that your life is your life, and her life is her life. Unfortunately, those two lives can’t intertwine right now - not the way that you want it. It doesn’t mean that you can’t atill work to rebuild the relationship with your daughter. Give her a little time. Then, I would continue to reach out - let her know that you love her, there is no pressure to meet him, but that you are prepared to do what is required to rebuild your relationship. And - you do it - because you don’t want to lose your relationship with your daughter...

 

Obviously, you have made mistakes - BIG mistakes. But, you are remorseful and you are trying to make amends. You do deserve happiness, just not at the expense of other people. Right now, your happiness is at the expense of your daughter... which is why, I would not get married or expect her to meet your boyfriend. But, life is too short to hold this much resentment... it will eat her alive. I hope she learns that someday and you are able to rebuild your relationship and find some compromise.

Edited August 14, 2018 by BaileyB

[DKT3]

I would say, that is perhaps a difference in ages/the wisdom of a little life experience and most definitely, a difference in personality.

 

It’s obviously going to take a long, long time for your daughter to be more accepting. The engagement likely feels like adding insult to injury... you were doing the right things to rebuild the relationship, but this has clearly brought back the pain and betrayal... sadly, you are starting all over again.

 

I personally wouldn’t end things with the OM. As hard as it will be, your daughter needs to learn that your life is your life, and her life is her life. Unfortunately, those two lives can’t intertwine right now - not the way that you want it. It doesn’t mean that you can’t atill work to rebuild the relationship with your daughter. Give her a little time. Then, I would continue to reach out - let her know that you love her, there is no pressure to meet him, but that you are prepared to do what is required to rebuild your relationship. And - you do it - because you don’t want to lose your relationship with your daughter...

 

Obviously, you have made mistakes - BIG mistakes. But, you are remorseful and you are trying to make amends. You do deserve happiness, just not at the expense of other people. Right now, your happiness is at the expense of your daughter... which is why, I would not get married or expect her to meet your boyfriend. But, life is too short to hold this much resentment... it will eat her alive. I hope she learns that someday and you are able to rebuild your relationship and find some compromise.

 

She sought out happiness at the expense of her daughters happiness when she was at a very difficult age of life. Some would say its balancing the scale to reciprocate the sacrifice now.

 

Truth is, none of us know the RIGHT answer. Which is why I suggest she goes with what's most important to her. If its her relationship with the guy then stay and hope for the best and vice versa.

Edited August 14, 2018 by DKT3

[BaileyB]

She sought out happiness at the expense of her daughters happiness when she was at a very difficult age of life. Some would say its balancing the scale to reciprocate the sacrifice now.

 

Truth is, none of us know the RIGHT answer. Which is why I suggest she goes with what's most important to her. If its her relationship with the guy then stay and hope for the best and vice versa.

 

I don’t know that there is a right answer. Unfortunately, she chose this man and her own happiness over her children and her family so many years ago... so many decisions have been made since that it’s difficult to right this ship now - perhaps impossible.

 

I like the idea of moving out to get your own place. It doesn’t mean that you have to end the relationship, but it does mean that you put some separation between your daughters and your boyfriend. Your daughter/s could live with you and you can devote yourself to parenting/rebuilding those relationships. With time, because you are no longer fanning the flames of the fire by living with/marrying your affair partner, things may well improve and come together in a more harmonious way.

 

It really is the question - what do you value more - your relationship with this man or your relationship with your daughters? It may be possible to have both, but not right now, certainly not the way that you want it to be.

[Marc878]

As many have found when you go your own way everyone else gets to do the same.

 

Some can accept and some can't or won't. Choices always have consequences.

 

The cards have already been dealt, there is no reshuffling the deck.

 

Lean to live with it like everyone is.

[Mr. Lucky]

Break it off with my man, and feel guilty for hurting him and his 2 boys who are a big part of our lives. It would be a huge sacrifice, but hopefully my daughter would forgive me and we could have a more normal relationship

 

theperfectlife, no one here wants to pile on, we all get the pain you're in. I saw it in my own cheating spouse even though I was so angry I couldn't react to it.

 

But...

 

Your life is intertwined with others, both a blessing and a burden. Your daughter may feel you not only traded men in your life, you also traded families. She's hurt and angry in a way that won't easily subside and it may be too late for sacrifices and/or amends to fix things with her.

 

As you've said, can't rewind the clock so you have to live in the present. You'll have to more clearly define what happiness means going forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Betrayed&Stayed]

So it is your opinion that I give up my OM after living with him for 4 uears?

I am positive no one would treat me as good as he does, or love me the way he does.

 

 

My point being - you can continue to live with your OM, just don't expect your husband or daughter to be happy about it. Adultery destroys relationships; as to be expected.

[carhill]

As many have found when you go your own way everyone else gets to do the same.

 

Some can accept and some can't or won't. Choices always have consequences.

 

The cards have already been dealt, there is no reshuffling the deck.

 

Lean to live with it like everyone is.

Yep, accept the real. Millions of families, probably billions, deal with this kind of stuff and move through life, accepting the consequences. Do people get hurt? You bet. That's part of life. Try spending your life carefully avoiding hurting or offending anyone and it'll be an early and unhappy grave supplicating to the emotions of others. Do what you want, accept the consequences and move on. People, in general, aren't that important though we all think we're special and our id should be fed and watered in just the manner we desire. Mortal. Here and gone.

 

Many life choices destroy relationships. Infidelity, abuse, molestation, murder, rape, on and on. Heck, there's a second gravesite at the stop sign on my property because two guys recently chose to run it and were killed for their choice. The person who killed them, a woman, will have to live with that the rest of her life, as will their families. All those lives were changed in a moment by a choice. Consequences.

 

OP, regardless of what choice you make on the proposal, or even continue with this man, I'd expect your daughter to retain some level of animosity, hate, anger, whatever for a long time if not forever. She might even deny you your grandchildren. I've seen that happen too. However, she's young so there is hopefully plenty of time to repair your mother-daughter relationship. That takes two. Right now it ain't gonna happen. Accept that and move on.

[theperfectlife]

I guess my issue here is finding difficulty in accepting reality,and the consequences of my actions. The grass is not greener on the other side.

I am not sure what the future will bring. I will give it some time, but hope to find a resolution eventually. I do know however, that i can not continue this new life if i still feel this way in the future.

Thanks to all for the advice

[Mr. Lucky]

I will give it some time, but hope to find a resolution eventually. I do know however, that i can not continue this new life if i still feel this way in the future.

 

Have you thought about the fact that, feeling as you do, continuing the current relationship might be unfair to both the OM and his kids?

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

OP, question... I note in your opening post that you still refer to your partner, now long after the affair, years, as 'my OM'. Why is that? I would presume he's at minimum your boyfriend and, considering the marriage proposal question, potential or real life partner.

 

The MW's I've known personally who've exit affaired with MM's, they moved on, either cohabiting or getting married and left the past in the past, dealt with the kids and their stuff (all had kids, some minor some adult) and live in the now. Some are so successful I find myself a bit envious. How does it go with you? Most are my age, 50's-60's and have been together/married at least a decade now, some closing in on two decades.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear theperfectlife,

 

Are you still planning on getting married? I feel so bad for you. You gave up a good marriage and per your statement, you never gave your marriage an opportunity to survive.

 

Have you ever thought about breaking off this affair now partnership and living alone to find yourself? Have you ever thought about rekindling a relationship with your ex-husband? Do you still love your ex-husband? Life has some funny twist and turns. I don't think your life will amount to much as long as you stay with your present lover.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[theperfectlife]

Have you thought about the fact that, feeling as you do, continuing the current relationship might be unfair to both the OM and his kids?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, i have thought of this. We have lived together in the same house for over 3 years now. The boys are now 17 and 19, and are so happy with the proposal.

I am in therapy again, trying to overcome the feelings of shame and guilt that i feel. I dont want to make any other life changes yet and hurt even more people.

I love my fiance and care about his boys. It just hurts that my own children arent a bigger part of my life

[Mr. Lucky]

I love my fiance and care about his boys. It just hurts that my own children arent a bigger part of my life

 

You'll have to make a choice either way and live with the consequences. Along with that, you'll need to be cognizant of being in charge of only your own reactions, you can't control how others feel or act. Be honest, transparent and considerate of the others involved.

 

Hope things work out for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

2 weeks since proposal, youngest daughter still ignoring my texts. I would be relieved at this point if she and I could have a relationship again, even if she never meets my man. However i dont know how fulfilled i will be if she never lets me see her children one day(that is one of her threats). I don’t think i will return the ring....not in a rush to tie the knot! In counseling again, will give it time. Thoughts?

 

Is this man worth all this guilt and pain being caused to your other relationships?

 

 

My exH cheated. 13 years later the kids (adults now) have a mild relationship with him - but they know he isn't trustworthy and ONLY thinks of himself at every turn.

 

Remorse is one thing - DOING what's right is another.

 

You may never earn her trust back.

 

Leave her to her own feelings. That's only respectful.

[BaileyB]

Be honest, transparent and considerate of the others involved.

 

Hope things work out for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is good advice.

 

And, how long will you need to do this? In the words of Dr Phil, "until..." Until she hopefully, becomes more accepting of your love and your new relationship.

 

Good luck to you.

[Artdeco]

I’m sorry, but at some point adult children need to accept their parents’ decisions. She had an affair, yes, but she also says that right now she’s in a happy relationship with that man. Why take that from her? Why make her unhappy just because family members don’t approve of the choice she made? The daughter is 21, the OP has been in this R for FOUR years. That’s a solid R in my opinion, also based on what op states. The exH has moved on. Why can’t the daughter? The other daughter seems accepting, so why ruining a good R? Because it started a certain way? Ok, I get that, but I’m sure they’ve worked through the pain, and at some point everybody needs to move on. I’m sure the A didn’t exactly happen in a vacuum, either. I’m not saying that all affairs come out of unhappy marriages, but in this case the A partners got engaged and have a serious relationship and it seems to be working well.

 

Are people seriously suggesting that op break up with this man, in order to appease her daughter? I think that’s utterly ridiculous. If the daughter accepts her mother’s financial support for her college education, then I’m sure she can accept her mother’s life choices. I’m sure it’s a hard thing to get over, even for older kids, but this special case is a little bit extreme IMO. The mother made a choice. She likes the outcome, minus the issues with her ONE daughter. I think that’s a no-brainer.

[Orokotikki]

I’m sorry, but at some point adult children need to accept their parents’ decisions. She had an affair, yes, but she also says that right now she’s in a happy relationship with that man. Why take that from her? Why make her unhappy just because family members don’t approve of the choice she made? The daughter is 21...

 

The daughter is no more "taking that from her" than the affair could be said to have taken her FOO from the daughter, less so in my opinion.

 

The daughter doesn't owe her any reconciliation.

Although I hope one day there is one!

 

"The mother made a choice. She likes the outcome, minus the issues with her ONE daughter. I think that’s a no-brainer."

 

Well I agree with you there if you think the 'no-brainer' is to decide to accept the fact things stand where they do. You cut those corners and you don't get a square deal.

 

TBH I love Dreamer's and the other's advice. As a BS and a romantic it tugs at my heartstrings.

 

But since those strings are merely connected to a fleshy lump which pumps blood and nothing more, I agree with you she may as well suck it up and move on. Such gestures would mean the worlds to the kids, and to the BS, but are not likely to succeed in restoring the M unfortunately.

[S2B]

Her daughter has every right to decide who she wants to have any relationship with.

 

And who she doesn't want in her life.

 

It's actually healthy to cut out people you don't trust and respect.

 

What's the point in staying in contact? To be mad? No! To pretend? No!

 

Can you see why your daughter may want nothing to do with you? You are not who she thought she loved. She likely feels like she has no idea who you are and what you stand for.

 

These are the consequences to your actions and choices.

[Artdeco]

If she cuts her mother out, that’s definitely her choice, however, in this case she should no longer accept her mother’s money in order to go to college. She’s 21, an adult, chooses for herself as to whom she wants to keep in her life or not, and should therefore accept all the consequences that come with that choice. It’s a two-way street.

[S2B]

If she cuts her mother out, that’s definitely her choice, however, in this case she should no longer accept her mother’s money in order to go to college. She’s 21, an adult, chooses for herself as to whom she wants to keep in her life or not, and should therefore accept all the consequences that come with that choice. It’s a two-way street.

 

I would agree unless the money was saved throughout all the years specifically for her college education.

 

Did both parents save together while she was young?

 

If so, then the daughter is keeping her obligation of going to school... and the money should be used as it was intended all those years ago.

Edited August 30, 2018 by S2B

[S2B]

After reading back my last response, i realize i didnt answer all questions.

 

What did i expect?

Well i thought with time perhaps my daughter would want to see me happy. Maybe she would see that I have not abandoned her. I guess maybe i was crazy to think that way. I didnt think she would be thrilled with the news, but honestly was suprised by her angry reaction. I didnt think i would have to choose between them".......

 

But you DID decide, right?

 

And now your daughter is showing you what results from your choices.

 

Maybe do the counseling to accept that your daughter has high standards for those she loves and you need to accept her perspective equally...?

[Artdeco]

I pay half her college tuition, help her plan for her future, have gotten her jobs, etc. Before the engagement, we would shop, get pedicures, plan parties, meet for lunch, etc.

I have one other daughter, my oldest who is almost 24. She lives with us and accepts my relationship. I wouldnt say she is super close with my OM but wants to see me happy i think. However, this fact will not sway her sister’s feelings

 

I think if the daughter wants to cut her mother out of her life, then that’s what she’ll be losing.