Colleague, FWB and now No Contact. Can I get my friend back (no benefits)

[Brazi319]

Looking for the ladies here.

 

I’ve known this person for four years. We worked together. After a year, we moved into a FWB situation. This lasted for two years. Over that time, we actually grew close. We were very much friends and we promised each other that if we decide that the benefits would end, we would still remain friends. Something that we were really passionate about. Might be because we had a lot of chemistry and a lot in common.

 

Our FWB situation ended two years ago. How it ended is a different story but it did and I accepted her decision and change in her life. What I am not so understanding of is the friendship.

 

In the last two years, we have actually seen each other maybe 4-5 times in total. I understand her situation has changed and respect that fully. It just seems that now our communication is so strained (well now nothing is happening).

 

When I did see her last December 2018, she actually mentioned something about starting FWB again but I laughed it off since I just wanted my friend back and understood that although she may want this, it would no where be like it was before (she has since had a child and hence time would be extra tight).

 

We were supposed to hang out but somehow while texting things got messed up and for whatever reason she thinks I dont want to talk to her (which is totally absurd). Anyway, it has been months since we have even texted just to say hi.

 

We are both very stubborn people. Neither of us wants to yield to the other. Not to speak for her but I do feel she has feelings for me (not romantically, platonic). We knew from the onset we would never be together but we did know that we really dug each other and we never had a bad time together (until the end).

 

Yes I know it’s stupid but this is why I am here. I would like to have my friend back (if I still have a friend).

 

It’s Mother’s Day in a few weeks. I would like to send her a Happy Mother’s Day text, just to break the Arctic ice that is between us.

 

Ladies, if you were in this position, how would you react to this? Would you be welcoming, be flat (as in not really care), ignore all together or let bygones be bygones and let the conversation flow?

[FMW]

It would depend on my thoughts and feelings about the friend and the relationship. Since you didn't say why it ended, it's impossible to say.

 

You want to reach out, so do it. I think the only way to thaw the chill is to discuss it with her. When she brought up being FWB again, you should have asked her what had changed her mind (since it seems she chose to end it), that would have been a good opening for discussion.

 

If you both remain stubborn, then nothing will change for sure.

[Brazi319]

It ended the moment she got back with her ex and got pregnant.

Although our FWB ended, I did not want our friendship to end although I knew at that moment it had to change. Just how much I didn’t know.

 

We went from texting daily to one text every two months. Again I understood as she is now pregnant and starting a new life. I also started a new job so our lives kinda diverged.

 

She had her baby and throughout it all we kept very little to no contact. We eventually connected last summer for the first time in about a year. Even still the communication was low.

 

But at the end, all I can do is reach out and if she replies, great and if she doesn’t, ill have to get over it.

 

That would suck. Man, we was cool.

[Versacehottie]

Is she still with her ex/father of the baby? I can only think that maybe she is being respectful of him by limiting contact with you. Also if he might be jealous or bothered that you guys were together when they weren't, he might not allow it. Assuming they must have somewhat of a rocky relationship, back and forth and straight away to having a baby, she may be extra cautious just to keep things copacetic with him.

 

Anyway, I do think you should send the happy mother's day text. It acknowledges her present situation, shows respect for it and lets her know you care for her in at least a friend way. I can't see why a reasonable person would have a problem receiving that. Though depending on her situation she might not answer. Sometimes for your own sake it's helps to do your best before you give up on a friend. Good luck

[Brazi319]

Yes she is still with her baby’s father. I am not sure if there is something there but again, I know nothing.

 

I sent her a text last week asking if she wanted to grab a drink this week. I have not received a text back.

 

I’m putting my ego and pride aside because I enjoyed her friendship. I now have to wonder if we were really ever friends because I thought I would at least deserve something of an explanation. Even a, “I’m happy, f*** off.”

 

I have never ghosted / been ghosted because I rather tell you to your face what it is or isn't so this is very very new to me. Ive broken up many a times and sometimes not amicable but at least we both knew where we stood.

 

I will send her a mother’s day text because I do wish her a great day but that will be the last reach out. I would have reached out three times with no reply, I think that is enough trying.

 

I’ll move on. Although it would be kinda tough, I’m a big boy. What is going to be funny is when we run into each other (and we will) as she moved into the same town as me (and I already ran into her in traffic but she didnt see me).

 

Thanks all. Appreciate it.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not sure Mother's Day is the best olive branch but if all you want to do is send said olive branch in the hopes of repairing the friendship, go ahead. What's the worst that can happen? if she ignores you just go back to NC. If she responds it's a 1st step to repair.

[Brazi319]

I'm not sure Mother's Day is the best olive branch but if all you want to do is send said olive branch in the hopes of repairing the friendship, go ahead. What's the worst that can happen? if she ignores you just go back to NC. If she responds it's a 1st step to repair.

 

I have sent her two texts in the last two months, one in March and one last week. She has not returned neither. I am not on social media and I dont troll and look at her stuff. Thats not how I am.

 

I remember telling her when we first got together, “no matter what happens, lets promise that we will remain friends.” Something we both said we would do. I assure you I have not done anything. CanÂ’t do anything to someone you don't see nor speak to.

 

Im not even asking why. She has her reason. All I want to know is we are friends or not and based on these actions, I can only assume no. I just dont get it. Maybe that is the thing, not understanding. I mean its one thing if I called her baby ugly, I have done nothing but try to be a good dude. No Im not trying for the benefits part, she made her choice, I am good with that. If she doesnt want to be friends, wouldnt it be easier just to say, “leave me alone?”

 

This is why I am asking women. I asked my sister and she said only an immature person would not return a text especially if you were good friends. My sister is rather cynical but maybe she is right. I dont know and maybe I will never know.

[Versacehottie]

Ok now that i have more of the story, I think you shouldn't send a text for mother's day. Not because she is still with the baby's father but because you just sent on last week which she didn't reply to (yet). I think you just need to let it simmer a bit and give it a chance to be "behind" you both.

 

Though the fact that she is currently with the baby's dad (still) it does make a sense about why she is not replying. Plus she just might be very very busy and this is how she manages her life in that state (not cool but some people do this).

 

IMO, it's really rocky ground that she was hooking up with you and already broke up with her guy once and then seemingly rushed to have a baby. I'd be surprised if they stayed together for a long time. That seems very immature and not sensible or smart to do that on her part so you can kind of see from what she is doing with her life that she's doing things currently from a more emotional perspective than a smart one. I think you will get some "closure" (which i don't really believe in, nor do i really think she ghosted you but I digress) in the future--maybe not as immediate future as you will like but i'll bet that someday in the more distant future, you'll get your explanation/apolgoy from her.

 

BTW, I think you should reassess people's true ability to make the promise that you will "stay friends" in a FWB situation if it comes to an end. I think it's not a promise people can realistically keep so it's kinda just fluff or things people say but don't mean. They might idealistically mean it but keeping it is based on a new lifetime and new reality and their priorities will change. That, in fact, is the essence of the arrangement so it's a faux promise at best. Each person will likely reassess when their situation changes and will do what they do based on that new information.

 

I'd give it many many more months before you reach out again. Really the ball is in her court. I think in this case with these facts, mother's day is somewhat an arbitrary date/day so that you can get the closure you seek with a "nice" gesture. In context, it's too much though. She's not answered you. Your sister is onto something good luck

[guest569]

It's easy to promise you'll be friends forever without really thinking through the implications and practicalities. For one thing, not many people will be cool with their partner being close friends with someone that they used to have sex with on a regular basis. For another, having a baby chews up a lot of time and it's common for friendships to go on the back burner or people to see friends a bit less. In the boyfriends shoes, I would not be comfortable at all with the two of you texting daily and Netflix and chilling while I'm sitting at home with the baby. Most adult friends don't text daily and hang out so frequently as careers, partners and babies and elderly parents take precedence and time. But that is just my experience.

 

As for the current situation.. You're leaving out crucial details here. It sounds like you had a falling out or misunderstanding over text as she has suddenly said that you don't want to talk to her and has cut you off. Seems odd. What did you say? Sending a happy mother's day text isn't going to fix whatever happened.

[preraph]

Well, there's several things at work here. In this order.

 

1) She has a baby. Babies overwhelm you and take ALL your time, literally. She doesn't have time for you and now with a child, you are way down the list of priorities and always will be.

 

2) Her baby father isn't going to put up with an ex FWB being friends with her. What are you thinking? No one would put up with that! Doesn't matter because she doesn't have time anyway with a baby.

 

3) You changed jobs. No place or time left to be friends even.

 

So sorry to deliver the news, but she doesn't need an ex FWB who wants to be friends because she's got a man and a baby.

 

This is how having affairs with friends often ends. Plus, this is how having platonic friends often ends, when they have kids.

[Brazi319]

As for the current situation.. You're leaving out crucial details here. It sounds like you had a falling out or misunderstanding over text as she has suddenly said that you don't want to talk to her and has cut you off. Seems odd. What did you say? Sending a happy mother's day text isn't going to fix whatever happened.

 

I would agree there is likely a misunderstanding over text. I am almost certain of that. Our communication pretty was sparse to say the least. When I would actually text, she would text back 1-2 weeks later. I understood that with a new child and hubby, she wasn’t going to get back fast, I got that.

 

Our last exchange was something like this:

Her: So when are we going to hang out again? I’m at the hair dresser.

Me: I didnt think you was going to get back to me so quickly. I’m hanging out in Philly

Her: Ok, so I wont bother you again.

Me: Huh???

This was in March, early part.

 

Then for different reasons, I got off both FB and IG. Then I sent her a text say a month later:

 

Me: Hey, wanted to see how you was doing.

 

Then last week:

 

Me: Hey, would you be up for a drink this week?

 

I didnt get a reply to neither one.

 

So your friendship comment, totally understand. Yes babies and husbands dont mix with former FWB, I get that too. Maybe we cannot be friend (or not friend like before). I get that too. However, what I dont get it NOTHING. Even if her hubby was like I dont want you to talk to him ever (which I can see) that is fine. She could still say, look I am with my man, want to make this work, be gone. I would 100% respect that. Would show me that there still is a level of civility out here.

 

I have ego and pride but I am not too proud if I did something wrong. I am not so proud that I cannot take the high road. I did already. Most guys would have cursed her out when she said she was pregnant while messing with me. ****, if I do the calculations, we were both sleeping with her at the same time (because I slept with her when I got back from my trip and her child was born 9 months from that month). So yes, I have swallowed a lot.

 

Alas, I think Ive talk this to death. Can’t get blood from a stone unless you hash someone over the head with it as I like to say. I am not bashing anyone and I’m tossing the stone. Life is too short, I know I am a good dude. I didnt do anything wrong and if I did I am open to apologizing if I wronged her in some way...but I have not.

 

 

We both had a saying, never settle because you will always settle for less. she settled (as she told me when we spoke). @preraph, you are right, she doesn’t need an ex FWB when she has a man at home and a child...but I know her. All of those evenings she would be crying on my shoulder spilling her guts, you get to know a person very well.

 

That is now someone elses job. I’m good.

[basil67]

Sending a Mother's Day text is beyond inappropriate. This day is about her and her family. An ex lover truly has zero significance at all on this day.

 

I know the two of you made promises to stay friends, but it's actually very rare for ex lovers to stay friends. Especially when one has moved on and is in another relationship. They just drift on away. You are now in the category of

 

All in all though, friendship is like a fart. If you've got to push it, it's probably s**t

[Versacehottie]

What people "should" do and what they actually do are often two different things. Of course, a simple, "hey I'm really going to give this thing with my ex a shot & it's serious again" or "hey btw I'm pregnant" lol would have been the ideal way for things to play out. At least for respect of the friendship and time you spent together, kind of not to make you feel so used all those times she cried on your shoulder and you filled whatever need-for-attention gap she had. But hey she didn't do that.

 

I think if you go back and look at some of the key things about the way your FWB or even friendship was perhaps it was somewhat one-sided or that you may have worried deep down that she was going to be doing this back and forth thing, right? I mean even with the details coming out more and more over your posts, I got that vibe and i'm a total stranger. In part i think if you are really giving your friendship a chance or honestly it seems like your FWB really involved "some" feelings from both ends, I think a person who is not using you would be cognizant of not crying on your shoulder too much. They would want the friendship, budding FWB or possible relationship to have it's best chance--or at the very least not be seen as a user. Not everyone obviously will react in the same way but what you would want to look for WHATEVER the arrangement is, is someone who considers your feelings and doesn't take you for granted.

 

On the timing alone (that you were still sleeping with her when she got pregnant) it's pretty sketchy. She sounds lost, emotional and maybe like she is barely capable of taking care of herself & impulsive. If you put what is going on in that context, it's not surprising at all that she can't do what you would have hoped. TBH, if i were you, I would be damn concerned and curious about whose baby is that really. Just saying (not to add more stress).

 

But honestly I do think eventually you will hear from her. And honestly probably not good to hear from her now, when she will have nothing of real value to tell you. You did your best & i suspect someday it will all be clear to you, whether you hear it directly from her or the universe (haha) provides you with the answer in the form that she wasn't meant for you and this was a good thing, learning lesson or took you where you were supposed to be. Just go with the flow. You've done your best for now. Good luck

[Brazi319]

First, thank you all for your comments. Given me some great perspective and also some good laughs. If you cant laugh at yourself then life kinda sucks.

 

@basil67, love the song, made me think, made me laugh. Appreciate that.

 

@Versacehottie, thank you for your candor. The vibe you are getting is correct but I am 100% sure her daughter isn’t mine (I shoot blanks now, thankfully). As for your description of her, you must be good because all of those traits she has (lost, emotional, impulsive) and as the F isn’t he FWB, I would help her think slower, not to overreact.

 

I appreciate you all and thank you. This has been really helpful.

[Brazi319]

So recall that I sent her a text asking her out for a drink. She replied a week later. No, I did not send her a Mother’s Day text. Actually I felt good not thinking about this.

 

She apologized for texting back a week late and said she was thinking about me and wants to meet. I set up a date for Wednesday (which was yesterday). We never met.

 

When I sent her the address to confirm, at first she was good then later in the day shared she was tied up with work and wanted to reschedule for next week. I said ok.

 

So basically the conversation I had with her in January is the same conversation happening now.

 

I really don’t know how to feel about this honestly. It hard not to be cynical at this point.

[d0nnivain]

Just be cynical about the whole thing. Ball is in her court. Assume she will do nothing but if she does reach out you can be pleasantly surprised. It's better then being disappointed

[salparadise]

When I did see her last December 2018, she actually mentioned something about starting FWB again but I laughed it off since I just wanted my friend back and understood that although she may want this, it would no where be like it was before (she has since had a child and hence time would be extra tight).

Yes she is still with her baby’s father. I am not sure if there is something there but again, I know nothing.

I really don’t know how to feel about this honestly. It hard not to be cynical at this point.

 

 

I'm trying to get a handle on the timeline –– when she mentioned starting the FWB up again in December, was she with the ex-boyfriend/current boyfriend/baby daddy at the time? From what I can deduce, she was.

 

I don't know, but I'm guessing that she's extremely reticent, conflicted, prideful and probably has attachment issues. I wonder if she actually wanted a full relationship with you but wanted you to initiate it, and since you did not she ended up going back to the ex-bf and getting pregnant to lock it down. Then she cut off communication due to being so conflicted. It's probably best if she's pursuing a relationship with the baby daddy. Maybe she's still conflicted and would like to keep you simmering on the back burner since she's engaging and agreeing to meet, but then canceling.

 

What about you? Why, if you two were sexually attracted, and if you were such great friends, did you not pursue a relationship? Are you both doing the push-pull game on each other to the point that nobody know what's going on?

[Brazi319]

salparidise,

 

When we connected last in December, she was with her baby daddy, her baby must have been about 10 months and as far as I know, they moved in together in a home across town. She specifically asked if we wanted to start things up again, how would it work. All I told her was to text me and we will work something out. This process seems to have restarted itself.

 

you assessment of her is pretty spot on (as I think back about how she is; very, very reticent, prideful, attachment issues). Her dad left her mom, she was a product of an affair. I get it, she may have some issues. That didnt scare me, if anything talking about those issues I thought made us closer, allowed her to trust me. I never judged her. That was her rule.

 

A relationship was never in the cards, never an option. I told her that from Day 1. No Kids. Also, when we met, she had just gotten married. When we hooked up (a year later), she was already in a FWB with some other dude (for a few months, like 8-9 from what she told me). ThatÂ’s when I knew there was ALOT wrong with her situation at least. I requested if she messing with me, sheÂ’d have to leave the other guy. Not for pride but for safety and protection.

 

If her agenda is to keep me simmering then I have to decide do I want benefits more than friendship. She isnt going to keep me simmering for friendship. Also based on her behavior, her husband must have done something (or she thinks he has done something) because she is very impulsive. She will do things to get him back. This is what I know about her.

 

Maybe I am the one with the issue. Maybe I am giving her too much (whatever) and putting myself through this for someone who really isnt a friend at all.

[salparadise]

If her agenda is to keep me simmering then I have to decide do I want benefits more than friendship. She isnt going to keep me simmering for friendship. Also based on her behavior, her husband must have done something (or she thinks he has done something) because she is very impulsive. She will do things to get him back. This is what I know about her.

 

Maybe I am the one with the issue. Maybe I am giving her too much (whatever) and putting myself through this for someone who really isnt a friend at all.

 

Ah, so it's THAT complicated. Here's what I think... that she doesn't have much use for platonic friendship, nor does she know how to relate to men other than sexually. She needs to keep one in the wings, and in that sense you're sort of useful if she can a) sprinkle just enough crumbs to keep you chasing, or b) know you're available as a side-piece, strictly on her terms of course.

 

There must be something about you that makes this kind of drama appealing. You know that if you start hanging out you'll end up back to FWB but with more complications. Is that what you want? Would an actual girlfriend just be too boring to consider?

 

If I were you I'd get a real girlfriend and take her to an amusement park to ride the roller coaster. But it's your life.

[Versacehottie]

I agree with Sal's assessment about how she chooses to relate to people. That's her choice/problem.

 

My question is why ARE you putting yourself through this? Another FWB would be easier. Another friend would be easier more fulfilling. Try it

[oceanblue12]

My question is what parameters do most FWB arrangements have?

Do they go to dinner together or anything of a social nature ?

[salparadise]

My question is what parameters do most FWB arrangements have? Do they go to dinner together or anything of a social nature?

 

No, I think it's usually just an arrangement for casual sex on a regular basis, and they avoid socializing outside of the bedroom to keep the expectations simple and avoid catching feelings for each other. Of course that still ends up happening a lot of the time. It's almost unavoidable with oxytocin and human nature.

 

I also suspect that most of the time FWBs start out as acquaintances who flirt and carry on as opposed to actual friends. For one thing, platonic friendships between men and women only happen when the sexual tension is not present, which is the opposite of what makes FWB arrangements satisfactory.

 

Without research it's all speculation though. I'd love to know how often one party expects to receive valuable consideration for their participation... and which party that would be

[Brazi319]

I agree with Sal's assessment about how she chooses to relate to people. That's her choice/problem.

 

My question is why ARE you putting yourself through this? Another FWB would be easier. Another friend would be easier more fulfilling. Try it

 

I’m not into drama, allergic to anything complicated. I do like her. She is unlike any woman I have met before (in many ways, not just sexually). Our chemistry WAS undeniable. I think I was addicted to that. I’m stuck thinking we could have what we HAD. I know its practically impossible.

 

Why am I even doing this? Addicted perhaps. Closure maybe. Laziness/afraid to look for something new. I started just wanting my friend back and that may not come to pass but I might get the sex back. And although the sex is AMAZING, I’m actually not that excited about it. Go figure. Good for my ego I guess.

[Flame Aura]

I’m not into drama, allergic to anything complicated. I do like her. She is unlike any woman I have met before (in many ways, not just sexually). Our chemistry WAS undeniable. I think I was addicted to that. I’m stuck thinking we could have what we HAD. I know its practically impossible.

 

Why am I even doing this? Addicted perhaps. Closure maybe. Laziness/afraid to look for something new. I started just wanting my friend back and that may not come to pass but I might get the sex back. And although the sex is AMAZING, I’m actually not that excited about it. Go figure. Good for my ego I guess.

Im really confused about what it is you actually want from her?

 

 

You say how great she is but then you said you would never get in a relationship with her, that doesn't make sense.

 

 

You had your fun with each other, she has a life with her boyfriend/ex and her child, why are you so obsessed to be her 'friend'? She doesn't need you in her life to be honest.

 

 

Stop doting on her and live your own life.

[Versacehottie]

I’m not into drama, allergic to anything complicated. I do like her. She is unlike any woman I have met before (in many ways, not just sexually). Our chemistry WAS undeniable. I think I was addicted to that. I’m stuck thinking we could have what we HAD. I know its practically impossible.

 

Why am I even doing this? Addicted perhaps. Closure maybe. Laziness/afraid to look for something new. I started just wanting my friend back and that may not come to pass but I might get the sex back. And although the sex is AMAZING, I’m actually not that excited about it. Go figure. Good for my ego I guess.

 

Well truthfully, there are brain processes that make this exactly what is going on. You can research But knowing that there is a psychological-physiological reason this is going on with you might make it easier to forgo messing with her anymore. It is kind of an ego thing. And of course, not a lot of people like to have things unresolved, on bad terms which anything but makes a person often feel that way.

 

here's the thing I think you should greatly consider keeping in mind that in part you can't help how you are feeling, that while you might be too lazy to find someone else, in effect you are just kicking the can down the road and will have to deal with it at some point. You are postponing what you will have to deal with undoubtedly at some point--whatever it takes to get her out of your system and a period usually of feeling neutral toward any girl, resetting and THEN finally being open to another girl. So by staying "open" to her, you are effectively postponing your chance for real happiness/connection with the girl for you. Lazy now=much more trouble in the long run.

 

Also without getting into it too much, each time you let someone in and out of your life like that it actually make the brain a little more determined to rectify it (that ego pull you mention), EVEN when you kind of feel ehhh about it, exactly like you have described above. I should bookmark the link that would explain this in psychological-phsiological terms but yeah you can research it IMO, you should use this period now to neutralize and reset yourself--and save yourself a lot of headache,heartache (let's be honest). My opinion is this girl is going to bring you nothing but drama and problems and you will find yourself asking yourself why you allowed it to happen a year or two later when you find yourself with the same information and opinion of her that you have here today. Knowing that part of it is in your mind and you CAN override it should help. Good luck

 

edited to add: you can be friendly with her wayyyyy down the road when you truly don't care much any more.

Edited May 31, 2019 by Versacehottie