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Do I tell him how I feel, or keep my peace?


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I'm not sure if this thread belongs here, or what, so feel free to move it mods if necessary.

 

Backstory: I knew this man 3.5 years ago, was really into him for a month, thought it was mutual, we texted every day, then he moved away and didn't even stop to say goodbye on his drive. We stopped talking. Then a couple months later, he resurfaced, apologized for his behavior, and I was dumb enough to give him another chance (i'm not sure what the point was). A month or so after that, we hung out (all of this was at a distance), kissed, and the next day he told me he quote "felt nothing". Naturally, as I really liked him, my 22 year old self was devastated and cut all contact. I deleted him on all social media, and his phone number.

I'd periodically hear from him, for the next couple years (ie, a get a text from a strange phone number, or a fb message wishing me happy thanksgiving last year and hoping I was well).

 

During this time, he apparently met a girl and proceeded to have a relationship for a year and a half, and I had my own things going. Fast forward to this fall. In October, while drunk after a night out, I was adding people on the app snapchat, and saw his old contact was still in there, so I re-added him. I regretted it the next day. He snapped me the next morning, asking how I was, etc etc. Somehow this slowly has turned into us talking every day for the last 48 (according to the counter mechanism on snapchat, it lets me know this). Initially I didn't really think much of it, I'm not interested, he screwed me over in the past. He claims he's grown and changed a lot as a person in the last 3 years, but we all know people don't really change (He was 26 then, he's about to turn 30 now).

But he's started exhibiting weird behaviors. In the last few weeks, he's started asking me how my day is. He texts me in the morning when he gets up, and at night when he goes to bed. And he's started remembering things I tell him--Ie, I told him about a trip I want to take, and he's been tagging me in fb posts related to it. He's also started remembering things i like, and tagging me in posts like that too. He's also started remembering dates--I told him about a huge meteor shower I was planning to watch, and he tried to find a way to come visit for that date so I wouldn't have to watch it alone. He's also made comments that he would take me out if I lived closer, and if I end up back in the region where he lives (several of the programs I'm applying to are there), "all bets are off" on taking me on a date.

He's told me me quote "I enjoy talking to you, I genuinely care how your day is going, and I'm more open and honest with you than i've been with anyone in my life."

 

Conversely, he still goes on dates, and I know he's on date #5 with this one girl. We talk about everything.

 

I haven't really given it too much thought until last night. He called me, for no reason, and we talked for over an hour.

 

I'm now sitting here puzzled. Did this guy develop feelings?

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He's putting his feelers out to see if you would be available. If you don't give him any comments or signals, he's not going to ask you out.

Guys are different...they like to play out their options regardless of them "dating someone. If something better comes along, the will go after that, and dump their date.

 

The only way to find out is to be bold and straight out ask him what he is doing, why he is doing it...what is his deal. He is the only one that can really tell you for sure.

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The only way to find out is to be bold and straight out ask him what he is doing, why he is doing it...what is his deal. He is the only one that can really tell you for sure.

 

I called him out on it last weekend, quote, "It may be just the margarita, but if I didn't know better, it's like you like me!" His response was to brush it off and say, "That's the tequila talking!"

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That's not calling him out on it. You need to point out the fact he acts like he's interested and it's confusing you. The interaction his is having with you is getting a little too cozy for "Just friends".

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That's not calling him out on it. You need to point out the fact he acts like he's interested and it's confusing you. The interaction his is having with you is getting a little too cozy for "Just friends".

 

I was fine until the phone call last night. Men don't generally call me at midnight their time, to talk about nothing sexual for an hour, while they lay in bed, unless they're interested.

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People do change. Men mature on a slower pace than women. It doesn't surprise me that at 30 he seems ready, while at 26, he was not. You were a bright spot in his life at one point. I wouldn't put too much into this yet, though, as you live far from each other and he's mostly building up a fantasy based on memories, and there isn't a lot of reality. Plus, maintaining a LDR is not easy and possibly not anything you want.

 

Personally, if I lived in the area, I would give it a go. Of course, "a leopard doesn't change his spots" is something to consider based on past behaviors, and there's really no way of knowing you have any compatibility in real life. It's hard to let these things go as having been on the receiving end. He's had LTRs, or at least one, so he's learned a few things, made a few mistakes, and is hopefully is a better man for it.

 

He sounds like he's interested in you, but at the same time, not living near each other, not possible. You can ride this out. I would avoid any romantic talk or relationship talk unless you want to give this LDR thing a go, which means the dating stops or you both agree you'll continue to see other people...I don't know how that would work, TBH.

 

He didn't "feel anything" back then. Was he protecting himself? Dating someone else? Didn't really feel the chemistry? Who knows. But right now he certainly seems interested, but of course I go back to having feelings for a fantasy and not the real person who didn't do it for him in the past, twice. :) You can see how this plays out, but proceed with caution. The third time may be no different than the first two, and I guess upon the demise of round three...don't do it again. :)

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People do change. Men mature on a slower pace than women. It doesn't surprise me that at 30 he seems ready, while at 26, he was not. You were a bright spot in his life at one point. I wouldn't put too much into this yet, though, as you live far from each other and he's mostly building up a fantasy based on memories, and there isn't a lot of reality. Plus, maintaining a LDR is not easy and possibly not anything you want.

 

Personally, if I lived in the area, I would give it a go. Of course, "a leopard doesn't change his spots" is something to consider based on past behaviors, and there's really no way of knowing you have any compatibility in real life. It's hard to let these things go as having been on the receiving end. He's had LTRs, or at least one, so he's learned a few things, made a few mistakes, and is hopefully is a better man for it.

 

He sounds like he's interested in you, but at the same time, not living near each other, not possible. You can ride this out. I would avoid any romantic talk or relationship talk unless you want to give this LDR thing a go, which means the dating stops or you both agree you'll continue to see other people...I don't know how that would work, TBH.

 

He didn't "feel anything" back then. Was he protecting himself? Dating someone else? Didn't really feel the chemistry? Who knows. But right now he certainly seems interested, but of course I go back to having feelings for a fantasy and not the real person who didn't do it for him in the past, twice. :) You can see how this plays out, but proceed with caution. The third time may be no different than the first two, and I guess upon the demise of round three...don't do it again. :)

 

He's an airline pilot.Which changes his perspective on travel just a bit.

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You are in the friend zone. However, he's implied this wouldn't be the case in a different situation. (if you lived closer, etc). So yes he likes you, but you are still in the friend zone because he tells you everything about his love life. If you are okay with that, carry on usual.

 

Another option is to just ask him... Do we want to pursue this as something, or remain friends?

 

It's never fun if you have feelings for someone and have to listen to everything about their girlfriend /boyfriend. And the more serious they get, the less he will be able to make time for you. If that thought bothers you, ask him the above question.

 

Your feelings aside, he does need to know he's giving mixed signals and especially since he's seeing someone, that's a cue to clear up what the heck is going on here. It's ok to be friends if he has a girlfriend but it's not okay on his part to say romantic things to you at the same time. If he wants to be only your friend, his behavior should be much less flirtatious. Does he want platonic or romantic? Which ever it is, his behavior needs to reflect that. He can't have both.

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  • 2 weeks later...

He goes on a lot of dates, so presumably, he knows how to ask you out on one if he wants to date you. I lean more toward 1) he's looking for a no-date string-free sex partner or 2) he likes you as a friend. I mean, that "I felt nothing" was harsh enough to where I wouldn't care WHAT he wanted now.

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that "I felt nothing" was harsh enough to where I wouldn't care WHAT he wanted now.

 

I've felt this way for years about him and the whole subject, until recently.

Since the last time i've posted, he asked for my phone number, and texts me all day every day (presumably, he's not SO bored he doesn't have matches or dates or booty calls he could text?) He made a comment on Sunday that if I lived closer he would like to take me on a date, because he likes me.

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Well, finally he's talking about date at least. Although he isn't going to any trouble or any distance for it, which is a lukewarm sign. Hope you at least get to date and see if he's all he's cracked up to be.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Since the last post, we continue to talk every day. He facetime called me unexpectedly last week and we talked for an hour as well.

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How far away is he? Also, you may be taking his comment about more honest with you than any other girl as a compliment, but don't lose the actual text of it, which is he hasn't been very honest with women. He may only be more honest with you because of the distance. So be careful with this guy. He's already been kind of disrespectful.

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How far away is he?

 

He's 1700ish miles away. But he's also an airline pilot, and if he wanted to come visit...he could do so at basically no cost or hassle.

 

His dating life seems to have continued--he's still going on dates with the same girl, but they haven't done the deed, nor are they exclusive, and when I ask how things are, he says they only small talk or talk to plan the next date (if you're on date like 12 with someone...why is that happening?).

 

We were having a discussion about something unrelated the other night and he told me i'm apparently the only person he talks to every single day.

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Scarlett.O'hara

I have to agree with LilySun on this one. I'm getting a strong friend zone vibe here. He told you he felt nothing the day after you kissed, and when you recently told him you sensed he was interested he told you were wrong.

 

In addition to that, you have noticed that he doesn't try anything sexual with you when he contacts you (even late at night when you would expect that sort of thing) which indicates that you are fulfilling a companionship role in his life as a friend, not a potential mate.

 

He is single so it is not hard to understand why he likes to have someone he can connect with in that way, while he continues dating and sleeping with other women. It works out great for him, all basis are covered so there is no need to feel lonely.

 

I'm more concerned about what it is doing to you. You are investing your time and energy in him now, and I can see why it would give you the wrong impression, but you have to try and look at the big picture. If a guy isn't initiating anything romantic or sexual with you, it is unlikely that it is going to turn into a relationship.

 

If your needs are being met, that's great. However, if you want more than that, I think you are probably wasting your time. You don't want to start wondering why you are not good enough, so be careful.

 

Besides, as nice as it is to have companionship, it is always more fun to invest your time in a guy who you know is 100% into you.

Edited by Scarlett.O'hara
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If a guy isn't initiating anything romantic or sexual with you

 

*cringe* no...there is more than enough sexual going on at other times, I just don't want to TMI the internet. :sick:

In my mind, it's not uncommon for men to stick around for sex or the hope of sex or even the hope of dirty pictures, at least until something better or more accessible comes along. It's more uncommon for them to want to stay on the phone with you for hours when they're NOT getting anything out of it sexually.

Edited by Cam1
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Pilots are kind of notorious for cheating. Opportunity is just everywhere and they're on the road and all that. So be careful.

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You know, I think I'm actually kind of tired of this. We basically talk all day every day for the last several months and then yesterday, I didn't hear from him at all. Had a hell of a bad day yesterday for a multitude of reasons, and it would have been cool if someone I thought was one of my closest friends (..and then some), had been there. But he wasn't. I knew ahead of time he had another date with the same girl last night, and so naturally didn't hear from him all night either.

 

This morning he's like, "I was actually busy and then I had a date and slept over there, still no sex."

 

I get it now. My companionship apparently is only needed when he is bored and has nothing better going on. And the sexual side of things? I'm just a cheap watered down substitute until he actually gets SEX again. And then I'll be out the window anyways.

 

I'm glad I'm figuring this out now. His birthday is next week and I'm such a fool I had almost made and sent him baked goods for it!

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  • 1 month later...
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Update a month later: He stopped seeing the girl he was casually seeing. I've actually started going on the occasional date (which I don't feel that thrilled with or have time for in my opinion), which he knows about. He made mention a few weeks ago again about wanting to come visit.

 

Then he actually did. He's been here for the last 5 days. Feelings have been said both ways. I told him sex wouldn't be happening. He was very respectful of all my rules and boundaries. But then yesterday morning I caved. I was worried he wouldn't like me as much after sex, but that didn't happen.

 

I'm relocating in the next 6 months for school to one of 4 places. He voiced how he hopes I get in one particular school, because he can live there and be based there. Quote "I could live there for a couple years."

 

I really like him. I didn't ask what this is or if anything is going to transpire, because I was afraid to.

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I have this friend I've mentioned in a thread before: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/646437-friend-who-s-showing-weird-behavior-did-he-develop-feelings-2.html

We've talked every day for the last 5 months. I didn't want to like him, but I do. And he likes me too. We tell each other everything. We both casually date other people, except right now he's not seeing anyone, and I've started very causally seeing someone and gone on 2-3 dates with. We both know about the other person seeing people.

 

He came to visit last week for 5 days. I really enjoyed being with him. I swore to myself we wouldn't have sex. And then we did on the last day. And I don't feel bad about it. But I'm also scared. I'm scared because I like him, and I'm scared to ask if he sees something here too.

 

Meanwhile the guy I've casually gone on tinder dates with is rallying to see me, and I'm brushing him off while i'm figuring this out. I don't feel it's fair to him. I've told him I can't see him this week (I'm truly too busy with work, a grad school interview, and homework for a class I'm taking and the final is next week). His response was to offer to feed my dogs while I was out of town for my interview, then offer to bring me food for a study break, or ask if i wanted to have dinner and netflix with him to destress from homework. Like he's trying so hard.

 

I don't know what to do. I want to ask my friend what's going on here, and what his thoughts are, but I'm also really afraid that in the process I'm about to lose my friend, and things will never be the same again.

In my own life, I'm at a crossroads and relocating for graduate school in the next 6 months. He made comment while he was here, about him moving to one of the places I'm about to get in. Quote "I could live there for 2 years." He's an airline pilot, though, so living anywhere really isn't an issue like it would be in normal LDRs.

 

I'm 26, he's 30, and I'm really struggling here. I need advice on if I should say something, or just shut up and hope that it will pass and I'll get over it.

Edited by Cam1
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End things with Tinder guy. Not fair to him to keep dragging things along while you figure stuff out.

 

I would say something if I were you, then again, I'm a guy. I guess what I'm saying is if I were in his position, I would want the woman to say something. Who knows, maybe you both are feeling the same thing...sure sounds like that could be the case.

 

Best of luck and let us know how things turn out.

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We had this conversation before....call him out on it, ask him what he wants or what this is...FWB? or is he certain that he wants a commitment. don't be passive and lay hints, just be direct with him.

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We had this conversation before....call him out on it, ask him what he wants or what this is...FWB? or is he certain that he wants a commitment. don't be passive and lay hints, just be direct with him.

 

I want to, but i'm also afraid I'm going to hear "Well i like you, but x y and z..." and lose my friend too.

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staggerlee71
I want to, but i'm also afraid I'm going to hear "Well i like you, but x y and z..." and lose my friend too.

 

The way I see it, you have two options here:

 

1. Continue stringing tinder guy along and live in the gray zone about how your friend feels about you

 

or

 

2. Be direct and hear x,y and z. good or bad

 

either way, you caught feelings for this guy so unless he says he wants to be in a relationship, it will most likely be difficult to maintain a friendship if he doesnt want a relationship.

 

might as well go for it!!

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Given that you have feelings for him and you've slept with him, he's no longer a friend anyway. A Friend is someone who is a great mate and where there is no romantic feelings.

 

The two of you will never be simple friends again, so there's no sense pretending that it can happen. Talk with him and find out one way or another: Either date him or move on in your life without him

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